Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
They say the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie is your teeth, although after seeing how it is REALLY made, I think I'll pass on the pumpkin pie, thanks.
I found this next funny little ditty on Funny Thanksgiving Jokes, and thought I would share with you the absolute best way to cook a turkey.
How To Cook A Turkey:
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out
From Candy's Daily Dandy to you and yours, my best wishes for a wonderful and happy Thanksgiving holiday!
I am so thankful for wonderful blogger friends like you!
See you on Friday!!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Grabbing the title in an all out LANDSLIDE, RecoveringActor is Queen of the Comment! (*loud cheers from the crowd*)
But before RecoveringActor takes her prize banner above to display proudly on her sidebar, (with a link to my site) and makes her acceptance speech in dramatic style in the comment section of this post, we have some business to tend to.
Lest we not forget about our runners up, who fought valiantly till the end, and endured, as Cora so eloquently put it, "an ass-whuppin", we present our runners up.
1st runner up: Beckeye -In an "always the bridesmaid..." finish, Beckeye comes up with her second 1st runner up tie in as many years in the competition. Of course, if Ms. RecoveringActor cannot perform her duties as champion for any reason, Beckeye will take over and resume the crown and championship.
2nd runner up: TIE between Scope and Son of a Thomas- although Scope really got the prize here with his comment; the lovely Cora. No one can really compete with that.
3rd runner up: Gwen- Always a threat in any comment comedy competition, Gwen illustrates daily that commenting for comedy is a true art form.
4th runner up: Three way TIE between Words, Words, Words, Doc and Words again!!- Hey, this is much better than last year when I believe Mr. Words recieved no votes for his nomination. (also, I'm still giggling over your comment on Cora's deadly flatulence post)
5th runner up: Three way TIE between Scope, Beckeye and Scope- somewhere in here is a joke about a three-way, even though it's really with two, and Scope is squared, or something like that.
6th runner up: Three way TIE with ~E, Moooooog35, and Pammy Girl-again with the three-way. I'm not judging because what you people choose to do in the privacy of your own homes is really none of my business.
A hearty big Congrats to RecoveringActor and to all the nominees!!!
Thank you to all who played and voted in the 2nd Annual Candy's Daily Dandy Comment Content Hall Of Fame, and now I turn the podium over to you, RecoveringActor.
You are The Queen Of The Comment 2009!!!!
Monday, November 23, 2009
- The nominations are numbered so that you can correspond your vote with your favorite numbered comment nominee on the ballot.
- The blogger who nominated the other is named first, then the URL linking you to the post with the nominee's comment and then the actual comment nominated. *a word of caution: I got so lost in all the other hilarious comments on the posts that I had to keep going back and checking to see who was nominated. Better to stay the course, for the integrity of your vote-then go back and re-read later.
- Voting ends at 3am EST tonight. You may vote for as many nominees as you like-and let's employ the honor system here-but you may only vote for a nominee ONCE.
- The voting is open to ALL bloggers. You need not have nominated someone in order to cast a vote.
- The winner will be revealed Tuesday morning.
Without further adieu, I present to you the NOMINEES: (in no specific order)
1. Cora nominated Scope:
Scope said:"Dear Santa;
Could you add "Nanny Cam" to my wish list, if you know what I mean?
Dude, you so owe me a solid after last year's "Mr. Microphone" incident.
On a side note: this tidbit of hilarity may be the starter of the greatest blogger love story ever! As the future Mrs. Scope said in her own words:
"(And this is the IMPORTANT one as this is the comment which kicked off our relationship. In fact if he hadn't said that, we might never have even met. We call it "THE comment" 'cuz it is hands down the most powerful comment ever uttered in all of Blog World!!!! :-))"
2. Candy nominated Gwen:
Gwen said: "A year or so ago I ran into Aunt Flo's ex-husband, Uncle IUD, and I haven't seen her since. Uncle IUD is a little "stuck-up" but as long as he keeps her far away from me, we're cool."
3. Scott Oglesby nominated Pammy Girl:
Pammy Girl said: “Maybe you should get a ridiculous haircut, marry Jon Gosslin, have a litter of kids, exploit them on national television, abuse your dogs, and then become Jewish. You’d be tabloid fodder!”
4. Cora nominated Words, Words, Words:
Words said: "After reviewing all the comments on this post, I have decided to legally change my name to Lava Lamp."
5. ON THE SAME POST AS ABOVE Cora nominated Scope:
Scope said: '... FYI - When I turn on my lava lamp, it take forever to heat up, but when it does, there's just a massive spew that erupts forth. Then it takes like, anothe 45 minutes before it gets going again."
6. Scope nominated Moooooog 35:
Moooooog 35 said: "Worst. Email address. Ever.
7. Candy nominated Beckeye:
Beckeye said: "I wish Kanye had come out and said:YO DR. PHIL, I DIG YOUR MUSTACHE AND I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT JOYCE BROTHERS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST TV PSYCHOLOGISTS OF ALL TIME!!!!"
8. Cora nominated Words, Words, Words:
Words said: "I'm glad you got your revenge, but as usual it's the innocent bystanders that are always war's true victims."
9. Beckeye nominated Doc:
Doc said: "I'd be glad to read you a bedtime story. Go put on your footie pajamas and I'll read, "How Good Little Girls Go Wrong And Get Knocked Up By Celebrities". I'm not sure it will put you to sleep but the pictures are very graphic! Doc"
10. Joanie nominated Recovering Actor:
Recovering Actor said: "I haven't gotten over it yet... still scarred for life.And for the record, that pattern doesn't look good on ANYONE. I also had a giant bow on my butt. I forgot how awkward I looked at the age 11... What a weird wedding. It was the only time I've ever been in a wedding party. And I hope i don't have to snap anyone's crotch the next time I'm in a wedding party..."
11. Gwen nominated Son Of A Thomas:
Son Of A Thomas said: "Sources close to SOAT say the conversation between Clinton and Kim Jong went like this:
"Bill: "So what do you say?"
Kim: "I no see rut you mean."
Bill: "Like I said, whip it out and slap it on the table. The bigger one gets the girls. It's like rock paper sissors man."
Kim: (Lowers eyes) Just take the girls."
12. Cora nominated Scope:
Lying on the sofa with pants undone?
People, I think she is trying to kill me."
13. Cora nominated Beckeye:
Beckeye said: "You are like the Tara Reid of the blogging world."
14. Scope nominated ~E:
~E said: " Now if you should perhaps host a contest till the end of the month where for every (decently covered) boob/bra shot you get you'll donate like a dollar to cancer research, I might be inclined to join."
(which Scope did and raised $50.00 for Breast Cancer Research)
So there you have it!! Vote now and Vote often and good luck to all the nominees!! Voting will end at 3am tonight, so make sure you vote!!
Friday, November 20, 2009
1. Post a comment in the comment section of this blog post with only the name of your blogger Hall of Fame nominee and the link to your site where his/her comment is posted. You may nominate more than one blogger for consideration, but their comments had better be knee slapping hilarious!
2. I will retrieve the comments and, depending on the response I get, whittle down the nominees and post the top ten on Monday. The post will be up all weekend; the deadline is 12am Sunday, Nov 22. That should give you plenty of time to come up with the good ones and get the word out. And spread the word people, there is so much talent that needs appreciation out there. Let's show our blogging community we appreciate what they do!
3. If all goes smoothly, on Monday, after I post the top 10 for consideration, I will post a ballot on the Daily Dandy's sidebar and we will ALL choose the winner by voting, with the final results to be announced on Tuesday. So Nominate now and nominate often!!!
I will go first and give you an example from my list of legendary comments:
"A year or so ago I ran into Aunt Flo's ex-husband, Uncle IUD, and I haven't seen her since. Uncle IUD is a little "stuck-up" but as long as he keeps her far away from me, we're cool."
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The time has finally come to crown a new King of the Comment in the 2nd Annual Candy's Daily Dandy Comment Content Hall of Fame. (loud crowd applause)
Scour the archives, because this is your chance to show your favorite commenter some big love. For those of you who weren't around last year, we crowned the King of Comments to be the legendary, McGone, who has since "McGone'd" from the bloggersphere. Still the King in our hearts and forever in theComment Hall of Fame, McGone occasionally makes his prescence be known with his usual razor wit comment, and I wax a little nostalgic whenever I see his comments. Ahh, those were the good old days.
BUT, as is the case here at The Daily Dandy, nothing here is without a flair for the dramatic. It was a hotly fought race with the talent abound, right down to the finish. Those two blogger dark horses, Beckeye and Dr. Zibbs, would not be denied!!! The victory separated the three of them by a mere vote or two, with Becks and Zibsy SHARING 1st runner up duties.
"I thought for sure Zibbs would come up lame," Beckeye said in her post-contest interview. "But that sly Yak held on and kept us laughing."
And with so much new talent out there in the sphere, this could be any one's crown for the taking.
So here's how it works:
Tomorrow I'll post the starting post with the rules and regs-the contest itself-and leave it up all weekend for you all to scour your archives and make your nominations.
On Monday WE will all vote-the King Of the Comments is a democratic process-and on Tuesday the winner will be crowned.
Heck, I might even offer the winner a prize this year
Read here if you want a look at how this works from last year. There are some big blogger names!
So if you're planning on playing, it's game on baby!! And even if you're not playing, you can still read the nominations, laugh your butt off and vote for the winner.
Start spreading the word.....
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever')
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
It used to be true that this was the time for retailers to "make their year", gouge the prices if the need be, and reap the benefits of a healthy holiday buying season. Such is no longer the case, as major retailers, little guys like me, and everyone in between have had to offer, unheard of at this time, discounts to get consumers into their retail establishments. Open up your mail box or your email box and you will see what I mean. There were no less than 15 offers of 20% or more off at major retailers like JCrew, Bloomingdales, Saks, Barneys New York, etc in my email box from the time I got dressed to go to work and the time I got to work, (no more than an hour) leaving me to wonder, how do I compete?
The facts are what they are and it's a fact that discounts bring in the shoppers. Which means I must offer the customer great customer service AND a substantial discount. Will this effect my bottom line? Yes, but it won't kill me and it certainly won't hurt to build that ever important customer relationship. Gone are the days of excessive shopping, as they are a thing of the past. Even the shoppers who CAN afford to binge, simply are not. They too, appreciate a discounted price for goods. Another sure sign that the climate has changed; Nieman Marcus offered 25% off everything in the COSMETICS department last week-this is unprecedented. It has always been a rule that any discount coupon from a major retailer did NOT apply to cosmetics. It was right there in the fine print, and any savvy shopper knew it. Hence the new order of the retail business.
While forecasts for retail over all show spending to be up, I wonder how up if the majority of goods were sold at a discounted price point. Take moment to think about the discounted offers you have received in the past week and post them in the comments section. I'm guessing there are more than you can even remember. Let me know if it motivated you to go to the store, buy more, or think about checking out that store because you hadn't been there in a while. Then let me know if you intend to be on a spending spree this holiday season.
Your fellow little guy would appreciate it.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Really? No tobacco in Ontario??
I had to think about this one for a while....I'm a little slow on the up take.
Because isn't that what every woman is thinking while riding a crowded bus?
As an ex-smoker, I concur...
Bwahahahaha!! The bi*ch got everything!!
This is by far my favorite.
It's like they crawled into my brain and pulled out my thoughts.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I fell down hard yesterday; again, but I have to get up.
The strength to get up is innate and it protects me.
I pray it will see me through, for I have been walking on unsure footing for a while.
My trail has ended and I choose me.
I walk it alone and I will try not to stumble.
I have gotten up before and I will get up again. I have faith in me.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
- $20 bucks in the hand does not make anything a certainty.
- In life, we try to live within the boundaries we set.
- Patience really is a virtue.
- Due diligence is key to any decision making process.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Only in the land of the free and the brave are we privy to a free show like this in the middle of the afternoon. If what they say is true and that the super market is a great place to find a mate, then sister is going for the full court press here. No wonder she has a gaggle of followers behind her. They get any closer and they may just get a wink from behind ;0
It just leaves one to wonder and sctatch the head,........What the???
"Sammi Jo wondered whether it was just her or was there a slight draft in the market?"
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Despite all your impending wisdom I still have to ask, "ARod?" (I can't chastise him today-as he just captured his first "brass ring". Congrats, ass)
"I love boys," Hudson says in the new British Elle. "But I believe they're really simple."
Kate believes that all boys want are sex and a sandwich. Then she offers this gem, "I sometimes feel like when you're talking to boys, they just hear certain keywords," Hudson continued. "But if you had a bubble above their head, they'd be thinking about game scores, masturbation and food." And there it is...the girl's a fricken genius.
Sex and a sandwich. How could we not have seen it before? Is it not true that after a good meal, a great game on TV and a roll in the hay, life couldn't get any better for Joe? Would Jim be trolling the strip clubs on Saturday night if Sandy had a turkey in the oven wearing nothing but a sexy apron over garters and 5 inch stilettos at home??? Is keeping things hot in the bedroom and hot on the stove really the key to keeping your man? Could it really be that simple? One would wonder, although the logic here is compelling to say the least.
And if men are that simple, what about keeping your woman? What would be in the bubble above our heads, boys? The fact of the matter is that you would have no idea because this week's spread on the Giants game and the pastrami on marble rye in your lunch bag keeps you from venturing an educated guess; so says Kate the Oracle.
Is she right? While I love the precision and skill with witch Ms. Hudson lays it all out there, letting the world know, quite casually that she has men all figured out, I have to refer to her recent track record when it comes to men.
I mean really, ARod????
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
He wasn't the punchline of jokes, that he had become.
He wasn't creepy and freaky, wearing masks and funny costumes.
He was not at all frail and demure; he was awe inspiring.
And most of all, he was not gone; he was ever so present.
He was the Michael Jackson I remembered I had loved so much; the performer.
Regardless of what you may think about Michael Jackson and the choices he made, this documentary, chronicling the final rehearsals for his sold out London tour, leave the remaining piece of the crazy puzzle that has been his life. And in true to concert form, we were shown what would have been his final show. Nothing more.
That is what made this movie so great. I didn't need more. I saw exactly what I wanted, which was all Michael, all the time. Dancing, singing and doing his thing the way only Michael could. I forgot about the monkey, and I forgot about the Elephant man, and for a brief moment I remembered the magic. He was scary skinny, and his face was at times grotesquely absurd, but in those moments he was the pop music giant he used to be; in control and commanding with his undeniable talent.
And if This Is It, then it's ok by me. I felt like I experienced his final vision last night and it was as if I went to his concert with my friends. It was pure Michael without the gossip and the drama and it was music to my ears. We toe tapped, bee bopped, jammed and sung along with him, right there in the theatre; and so did everyone else who was there. You couldn't help it. The music was in you. Just before his tragic death, he was seen as somewhat of a joke, a freak and an enigma. There were those who wondered if this final tour was a desparate move by a desparate man on the brink of financial ruin. He even took the tour overseas; unsure if his homeland would pay one more time to see the King Of Pop. Sad, that it took his death for us to remember we used to love him. Really love him, his music, and the way he made us feel.
Kudos to Kenny Ortega for making it simple.
There wasn't much that needed to be done.
Michael stood all on his own.
And if you loved him for his song, then you will simply love This Is It.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year.
I couldn't believe it... the first time ever!I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me and being the thoughtful man that he is, he even gave me an opening day present. He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'. I'm so fortunate to be married to him. I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat below....
Monday, November 2, 2009
I'm done with you.
WE are no longer a WE as in, you and me.
I've decided that I'm better than you and that I know better. I left you some seventeen years ago when I was young and had plenty to live for. But when the horrid events of the "Big D" happened 4 years ago, I sought you out for comfort. And you didn't disappoint. No, you were there to give me the satisfaction and comfort I needed. The proper crutch that numbed out the pain. And we rekindled our old love affair again. Just you and me.
I guess I need to thank you for that because you kept me from doing "stupider" things. I guess even then I knew better, but when it came to you, I was weak. You offered me a casual danger that fed my edgy side and fueled my addiction. And you got me through the worst times providing the perfect shoulder to cry on no matter how hard I cried. Slowly you gave me my strength back, because I knew I could count on you to always be there for me. I could control you.
But what I realized is that I couldn't control me when I was around you. And as life got better, I shouldn't have needed you any more. But still, I kept you close. I never wanted to let you go because I was afraid I wouldn't be OK without you in my life. And that you controlled me more than I wanted to admit. You smell, you look bad, you're dirty and I hate that I love you so much. But I love me more, and you've overstayed your welcome for far too long.
I chose November 1st and I stuck to it; just 24 hours free of you.
Will I make it? I pray to God I do. But somehow, I think the worst is over. I think that if I can make it through your little reminders in my head throughout the day, clean, that I will succeed and I will survive. You're just a bad habit and habits are made to be broken.
And soon you will just be a distant memory of a love we once shared.