Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
* 10 am. so i'm sitting in the jury pool room at one of the many district courthouses in my state, doing my civic duty. we just saw the judge, a woman, and she explained to us the many duties and things we must consider if we are called to serve on a trial.
then they played for us a video explaining all the things that could potentially happen if we are called to serve with some old sandra day o'connor looking bag, narrating. blah, blah, blah. i'm sitting in a room with 22 other people; my peers, I assume, and I am the only one with a laptop. huh? we had to leave all cell phones in our vehicles, for they are not even permitted in the building. I have already gone through x-ray security, been subject to a search, and now we have been instructed to stay in this tiny room and wait.
we will going up to the courtroom momentarily to sit through the jury selection process, so i've decided to make today's post like a twitter update and keep you randomly posted of the events throughout the day. who knows what will happen, but the feeling around here seems to be that they are taking this shit seriously. little do they know there is a dreaded blogger amongst the jury pool. hee hee.
i can tell you this, while i was waiting in line to go through the courthouse security, i heard this conversation taking place behind me.
"yo man, i just slapped the bitch," said defendant 1.
"no way dude, where?" said defendant 2.
"right out there in the parking lot, just now. the bitch ratted me out in court so i hauled off and slapped the bitch down," defendant 1 said.
"nice. that oughta look real good when we sit down for the trial today," defendant 2 said.
defendant 1 replied, laughing, "yeaaah. that bitch learned not to f**k with my ass, ever."
should be an interesting day. I'll keep you posted.
12:30-Sorry to disappoint you, but we have been DIS-MISSED! Can't say that I'm upset, because really the only thing I observed, besides the "bitch slap conversation", was the VERY pregnant and VERY beautiful Philippino girl who sat across from me in the jury room, for 2 straight hours, and did.... ab. so. lute. ly. NOTHING. She had not a thing to read, no cell phone, and made not a sound for two hours. Maybe she was a Zen Master and has perfected the art of meditation, because I was thouroughly impressed. And this coming form the only person making noise in the room (the clickety clack of my computer)!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I say, NO WAY! Let's look at the flip side of these flops. (see what I did there?)A one time personal trainer, Marcia Kilgore, designed a flip flop that is said to help women and men to tone and trim the legs just by wearing them while running every day errands. The result; The FitFlop. Medical research has proven that wearing FitFlops can actually eliminate the strain and stress on the lower back by realigning the force of the body while while walking and testimonials repeatedly show that FitFlop wearers have seen a reduction in foot and back pain, some by as much as 50 percent.
Sign me up! They retail, starting at $50-$60, and come in many styles and colors for both men and women. I will admit to seeing them on people whilst out and about and can report that FitFlop wearers are FitFlop lovers. Not the most fashion forward looking shoe, but it does have an athletic appeal and I'm thinking I will take the plunge into the world of floppy fitness!
For today, the temps will be nearing 90 degrees (what happened to Spring?) and rest assured, my feet will be well "flipped" out with the newest addition to my flip flop family.
Can you blame me? What's a little back pain between friends?
Monday, April 27, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
I'm leaving today for a little R&R in sunny Florida and will return to the bloggersphere next Monday, April 27th, so take care bloggers and have a great week!
Now on to the real business of the day. Today is a big day in Boston, as the 113th running of the Boston Marathon takes place right here in my fair city in a few hours. Besides the Kenyan domination of the marathon, no Boston Marathon would be complete without a story about a truly inspirational father and son team from Massachusetts who manage to steal our hearts at the finish line every year. Dick and Rick Hoyt or Team Hoyt, as they are known throughout the world. Their story is an unbelievable story of a father's love for his son, living life to the fullest and determination and I share this with you today and dedicate it to one of my most favorite and loyal bloggers, Skylers Dad.
The video below runs 10 minutes long, so will it take some time to view it, but as Skylers Dad sometimes reminds us, "you will be much richer for it".
Go team Hoyt!
And Skylers Dad?
In case you didn't already know it, I think you're a pretty special Iron Man too!
This one's for you!!!!
Friday, April 17, 2009
The Fidgeco. Pronounced; "fige-ee-ko"
That's the name my Grandma Driscoll, God rest her soul, used when she referred to the female genital area. The word still cracks me up. It's not the name we in the family used regularly, for it was Grandma Driscoll's name alone. "Shut that door! The draft is going come in and go right up my dress to my Fidgeco!," she used to say. We still laugh about it today.
In our house we used a somewhat Italian form of the name, which I'm sure got butchered somewhere in translation; Pishaliti. Prounounced; "pee-sha-lee-tee". Nonetheless, it was our special name for the vajay and we were never shy about using it.
"MOM, Chris is throwing rocks at me and trying to hit me in the Pishaliti!" or
"OW! Watch it jerk, that just hit me right in the Pishaliti!"
I'm sure everyone has their own version of a name for the all mighty vagina. Eve Ensler wrote an off-Brodway play called "The Vagina Monologues" where she celebrated the various names for the vajay, the theme throughout the piece,"is the vagina as a tool of female empowerment." I saw the show in Boston with Ensler as the monologist a few years ago, and was amazed, entertained and awed at the power of Monologues message. In 1998, Ensler formed V-Day, which has raised over $50 million to benefit women's anti violence groups from The Vagina Monologues.
I am embarassed to admit, although the show's powerful message was not lost on me, for the naughty little child that resides within me, the most entertaining and memorable came when she lists the many names for the vagina.
These are just a few.
Tuna Taco or Pink Taco
The snack that smiles back
Notorious V. A. G.
So please, do share here your special vagina names, so that naughty little child in all of us can live, if just for a day.
For more names click here
Thursday, April 16, 2009
See that cute little guy above? He has to go through life with a nasty name like Rat. Nothing cute about that. Lets just say he just got a bum rap in the name department, and deep inside there is a good and pure soul, just waiting to get out. It could be, because I can relate, dude. I spent some of my adolescence with that same name. Sort of.
I was over at The Gancer today, where blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater does his schtick and was inspired by his post about bullies to tell you my story. Check him out and tell him I sent you!
I was 13 and in the 7th grade. In my town, the Junior High (as we used to call it back in the "olden days", now it is commonly referred to as Middle School) brought the four elementary schools from different parts of town together. There were lots of new kids coming together and meeting for the first time. In my home room there was a group of boys I didn't know and they were heckling me and trying to get my attention. I can't remember exactly what I said back to them or what happened, but I do remember this one kid in particular ending the scene by calling me a "Pit Rat". I still *shudder* when I think of it, because some how that rotten kid managed to make sure that every boy in the Jr. High referred to me by that name.
It caught on so quickly that even kids I considered my friends began avoiding me like the plague and shouting out my new name in the cafeteria and in the bus line. The damage had been done and I was marked with the Scarlett Letter of names. Those formative years were HELL and I can remember even my own brother who was in High School, four years ahead of me, casually throwing the nasty name at me around the house. It was bad enough that at 13, I had braces and was going through an "awkward stage", but now I was a social pariah and my friends handled interaction with me wearing kid gloves.
I think the breaking point was when I was riding my bike home from a softball game one day and my neighbor's, these two, white trash, butt ugly, greasy twins, who had more than a few inbred, genetic defects like more than one row of teeth (I kid you not), shouted out as I rode by them, "Hey, it's the Pit Rat!" That was it for me. ROCK BOTTOM. I think I cried for a week after that.
But this story has a happy ending.
Like all good fairy tales, the braces came off and the ugly duckling soon became the Freshman Swan when entering High School, and the name was fast forgotten. The good news is that even though I went through HELL, I wouldn't change that experience for Tom Brady's hand in marriage. (and you know how much I love my Tommy). I truly believe it made me a stronger and better person. It made me look at my peers for who they were and not what they looked like or what they were wearing and certainly not for what gossip said about them. Because of this, I was able to befriend kids from all the different social groups, never forgetting a kindness shared with me when times were tough.
I remained with the "coolie" social group, even though they put me through hell, but my new status gave me power and a genuine compassion for others. I later found my social navigation, based on a solid foundation of real, with kids from every realm of the social strata, made me the target of envy from those same people who had name called. And what happened to that horrid kid that started it all? He spent his High School years drenched in his anger, cast out from everyone by his own choice.
I'm sure you're wondering, with my positive lesson learned and with my new status, did I forgive that kid? HELL NO! I never resorted to name calling, but believe me when I say he never DARED approach me or any party where I was in attendance. It was an unwritten rule with him and I. It was even evident when both he and I won the "Class Devil" superlative for the yearbook and he did not show up for the picture. He knew better and I had a big smile on my face for that shot, happy that this gander had cooked his own goose.
As I told Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, some years later at the High School reunion, he approached me and told me that the reason he gave me the name in the first place was because he liked me and I rebuffed him and embarrassed him in front of his friends. I listened to his story, because after all those years, he must have felt the need to atone. But like I said over at the Gancer, if justice is sweet and swift, today he is living in a trailer park with his 250 lb wife and his six, dirty scrappy little kids.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Maybelline Lash Stiletto Mascara. I cannot say enough about this, $6.99 worth of magic in a tube. If you are anything like me, I am always on the hunt for the perfect mascara. I have worked with and tried them all.Cheap, expensive and ridiculously expensive. My favorites are always the same and in order; Trish McEvoy, High Volume Mascara, Lancome Definicils Mascara and Benefit Bad Gal Mascara.
Generally there are two types of mascara. I prefer a lengthening mascara over a thickening mascara. One lengthens your lashes, one thickens your lashes.
FORGET EVERYTHING I JUST SAID...because this little white trashy number does it all in it's sexy little tube. It works much like the aforementioned Definicils mascara, if it were pumped up on Viagra!! It is true sex on a stick. It lengthens, defines and separates the lashes like nothing I have ever tried, leaving you with embarrassingly sexy, stripper ready lashes to bat at your own free will. If, after you have applied it, you need more volume to go with the out-of control length, let it dry and layer a bit more at the root of the eyelash and voila! you have both length and volume.
At this price, you can buy it in bulk so you are never left out of the party with wimpy, demure looking lashes. For years Stiletto's red-headed, inbred cousin, Maybelline Great Lash (the pink and the green) has been getting all the good press. Hailed as the world's #1 mascara, it can now take it's seat at the back of the bus because Lash Stiletto just smacked it back into submission with it's dominatrix lush lengths.
Why should the strippers have all the naughty fun? I'm telling you, pick some of this up today. I guarentee it will be a better and a less expensive investment than say a good porno and a dose of Viagra!
Unleash or UNLASH the stripper inside you!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
So, let's celebrity bash and spice up the quotes with some blogger magic. These are actual celebrity quotes from gossip rags. I'll go first and them you can respond in the comments with your comments on any quote that strikes you. Because after all, celebrities are people too.
And that would be exactly what???? Yeah, I can see your talents are fighting a battle to stay hidden in that dress.
"He goes,'Charlize, this is going to be different for you...people are going to see this movie'...Then I'm like ....'You know what? I have a statue at home called an Academy Award.'" Charlize Theron in US Weekly on joking with Hancock costar Will Smith.
Oh snap! Step off Fresh Prince!! Joking my ass. Love her! Huge girl,crush on the smokin hot Charlize."I recently had a Red Bull problem. I found myself maniacally drinking it. I was up to seven a day. ...Then Red Bull contacted me and was like,'We want to send you a minifridge.' I was like,'No please! I love you but I can't' It's like giving a crack addict free crack." Eva Mendes in Us Weekly.
I think there are a few councilors at Cirque Lodge in Utah that would testify in court that it wasn't Red Bull that's the problem....
Thanks Tom, just what the world needed., more rediculous photo's of "Spedi". Why couldn't you just opt to be glib about it?
"My trainer just shakes her head and says,'This is a disaster.'" Jennifer Garner on not loosing all of her baby weight in Star Magazine.
Oldest trick in the book. This is the part where we all supposed to go,"Oh no Jennifer, you're not fat...." Boo-fricken-hoo.
"There are times, trust me, when I watch it back and I just think, God, I wish I hadn't said that." Simon Cowell on being mean to American Idol contestants in Us Weekly.
To be perfectly honest I thought that quote was indulgent rubbish, Simon. You haven't got a chance in hell because quite frankly, it was utterly forgettable.
That was sort of fun. Now it's your turn.
Please feel free to bash hard and often.
Monday, April 13, 2009
So I will leave you with these photos, taken at precisely the wrong time, as a Mute Monday of the screwed sorts, because misery loves company and these people look like they are in no better shape than I am!
I guess it's not that bad after all!
Friday, April 10, 2009
VOICEMAIL, HOME of the Daily Dandy Headquarters, after a long period of non-service on April 8, 2009. Home Voicemail was credited with keeping the Daily Dandy family informed of important messages for years, and only recently became stricken with it's long battle with redundancy and newer technology.
Born in the spring of 2001, Mr. Home Voicemail was a vital part of the everyday life of his family with family members rushing home to check in with him daily. Home Voicemail also possessed modern features that allowed his family to check in from outside the home with easy access codes and at one time boasted the best messaging service of it's kind.
Mr. Home Voicemail became stricken with inactivity over the last few years as personal cell phones, equipped with voicemail service, became more and more prevalent in society.
"It got to the point that I kept forgetting to check my home voicemail because I had my cell phone at all times," a family member said. "My home voicemail mail box would become full and it became easier NOT to delete the messages. If someone wanted me, they could get me on my cell."
A victim of a vital strain of newer technology, Mr. Home Voicemail put up a valiant fight right to the end. "I began putting my cell number on important documents like the school and the doctor's office as my contact number, " another family member remembered. "But every once in a while, I would catch something important that Home Voicemail would pick up."
Mr. Home Voicemail leaves his family of four with a substantial savings on their home phone bill, and private services will be held at the home for immediate family only. Donations can be made to AT & T Wireless: account number 463512.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Johnson's Baby Shampoo- This gentle shampoo contains no soap or alcohol and is known for it's "no more tears" formula, which won't irritate a baby's eyes if it gets into them. It does, however, contain chemicals that will clean the hair and scalp effectively without stripping either. I have read reviews on this products for adults that say although it's surfactants will help to remove grease and cleanse the hair, the surfactants (wetting agents) in Johnson's baby shampoo formula are milder than ones you would find in drug store shampoos. Great for sensitive scalps; not great for oily hair. This product is gentle enough to be used every day, but best used daily by adults with short hair. This is a product designed for babies who don't have a lot of hair and users report it does not foam up enough to sufficiently cleanse longer hair. This shampoo leaves hair smooth, shiny and soft with a wholesome, clean and fresh smell.
It is also effective, when diluted with water, as a gentle make-up remover and a great make-up brush cleanser. Guys: Try this as a shaving cream for sensitive skins.
Johnson's Baby Lotion- This product is a staple in my beauty routine. A daily user of body moisturizers, I love the smell, texture and rich, effective ingredients in this moisturizer. It's fast-absorbing emollients leave skin with a soft and smooth, non-greasy feel. It's hypo-allergenic and allergy tested, and protects both babies and adults skin from nagging dryness with ease.
Can we talk about the scent? There is no product more pure and clean smelling than Johnson's baby lotion. Although it's nice to use other, higher priced fragrance body lotions, for every day moisturizing this rich formula gives the other alternatives a run for the money. At $ 3.50 for a 15 oz bottle, your minimal investment in a bottle should last you 2-3 months with every day use.
Great for stubborn dry hands and feet. Apply Johnson's Baby lotion liberally on hands and feet. Before rubbing lotion into skin completely, put on socks and or gloves. Remove socks and gloves after 15-20 minutes and you have just given yourself an inexpensive, at-home, "beauty wrap" that will be sure to improve the appearance of hands and feet.
Johnson's Baby Oil- This multi-use baby oil is a product I use much more for myself than I did with my own children. Besides millions of teens using it in the 70's as a sun-tan oil (oh, the horror!) adult women all over the world have been using this product for decades to combat stubborn dry patches. The pure mineral oil forms a soft, protective barrier on the skin which locks in moisture and protects against excessive moisture loss. Dermatologist and allergy tested, this versatile formula can be used in many ways.
As a gentle eye make-up remover, apply Johnson's Baby Oil to a cotton ball and gently rub eye area to remove make-up. It even works on water-proof mascaras, just make sure you cleanse the skin thoroughly after using, to remove the excess oil from the delicate area around the eye.
The best way to use Johnson's Baby Oil? Leave a bottle in your shower. Just as you are finished and about to get out of the shower, DONT! While the water is still running, apply baby oil all over your body, (much like you would a moisturizer), rinse off lightly, and step out of the shower and towel off. The baby oil will soak into the skin immediately and leave a silky protective moisture barrier for the rest of the day. You skin will be absolutely GLOWING!!
Pure and simple and inexpensive luxuries are the best way to describe this trifecta of beauty classics.
Go ahead and baby yourself for a change.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
#858893 (26) - 04/07/2009 at 7:34pm by ugly
#864226 (25) - 04/08/2009 at 12:03am by Anonymous
#503348 (302) - 03/21/2009 at 12:46am by Anonymous -
#859604 (81) - 04/07/2009 at 8:11pm by Anonymous
Needless to say you need to check this out for yourself and if you are a regular user of FML, let me know if it succeeds in bringing you the satisfaction of laughing at yourself when it's just about all that's left to do. I have to admit to spending more time on the site than I expected, as I could completely relate to having more than a few," f my life moments" myself.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Last night my son came home with some basic English grammar homework and figured he'd ask me for help. Considering the fact that I am a "writer" who has a Masters Degree in Journalism and someone who writes just about every day, he figured this assignment would be a cake walk for me. I would have thought so too.
The assignment was straightforward. The sections on the front and back worksheet were clearly outlined with directions; read the paragraphs and underline the parts of speech. Nouns, pronouns, conjunctions, similes, adverbs, etc. My son then looked to his mother for quick definitions of these every day parts of speech. It was almost as if a loud creaking of the opening of the squeaky door in my brain which houses such information could be heard throughout the house; the cobwebs and the moths nearly visible right there at the kitchen table. I scrambled.
"Uh, conjunctions...," I said.
The School House Rock "Conjunction Junction" anthem began playing quietly in my head. I seemed to remember, through the song, something about hooking up phrases and clauses and cargo trains.
"Conjunctions are words that connect words to other words in the sentence, " I replied.
"Huh?" he said.
His answer, far more decipherable than mine. My brain went into overdrive. I decided to start with the easy ones. Nouns and pronouns. We got through that in about three minutes. Adverbs were next. School House Rock, again, came to my rescue; mostly words ending in LY. After that I was revealed for the fraud that I am. I had no more School House anthems.
So I did what any red-blooded American writer/mother would do. I went to Google. Trusty old Google had all of the definitions we needed just a simple click away. He went right to work, armed with his new and improved conjunction definition, and all the others I was not able to define from memory. He even went back and checked his work, a sure sign he understood the assignment. I thought about how I use these same words every day while composing this blog, yet I never attribute them to their specific parts of speech. Thank God for Google, as I was able to save face in front of my son.
This was not the first time I have gone to Google for homework help, nor will it be the last. I am the first to admit that math is not my strong suit, for I have no degree in computation. Both children have surpassed my basic math skills in school and I am at a self-proclaimed disadvantage when it comes to their math assignments. Google has come to my rescue more than once. Through Google, I have even gone through brief math tutorials which have triggered rusty math skills enough so that I could help my children complete their assignments correctly. I might have even felt a satisfying sense of accomplishment for doing so. Trusty old Google.
What would I do without you?
After we completed my son's English assignment, my son said, "Thanks mom."
To which I replied, "Thank Google."
Monday, April 6, 2009
"How can you be sure an Arkansas girl is a virgin?
She can outrun the governor."
Mr. Odum credits Gwen with single handedly helping him to "break out of his shell" and dedicates his 2009 Mr. Congeniality award to her. His brilliant campaign slogan: "With Herb's win, wash away your sins" seems to be gaining momentum all over the bible belt as a rousting battle cry. Instead of campaign buttons, Odum supporters and staffers are handing out these ingenious "Wash away your Sins" towelettes, which have been popping up all over the Belt's diners and public rest rooms.
So please join us in supporting Herb Odum for "Over 55 Mr. Bible Belt Pagent" King, because a vote for Herbie is a vote for clean living.
Friday, April 3, 2009
For those of you not familiar with the term NSFW-It means, "not suitable for work" and today's selection is certainly one you may need to look over your shoulder to check if the coast is clear before viewing. This left me with that WTF look on my face.
Today's subject is Primates, and who doesn't love an adorable little monkey? But this guy?
His behavior is just downright nasty for sure, yet it's almost as if he revels in the political incorrectness of his actions. Kinda like he's giving the proverbial middle finger to the world.
The person that sent me this also provided the disclaimer, "You may not want to view this if you have a weak stomach". Umm, yeah. So don't say I didn't warn you.
p.s. You know I so sent this baby to Gwen
p.p.s I know, I know. Sorry.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Expectations are high, with each parent already lovingly planning the child's future path, while carefully taking into consderation the child's culture, surroundings and familial influences. The possibilities for the child's future are endless.
Some are expected to conform to the society in which they enter.
Others are just born with it.