Captian's Log

Captain's Log, Star Date: Day 41 Quarantine 2020: 

The troops are getting restless.

41 days into a Nation-wide shutdown and life on this ship is stable but teetering on danger. The crew of five is well fed, well clothed, clean, (depending upon the day) and rested. Provisions are abundant but restlessness is approaching like a meteor heading straight into our galaxy. Morale is stagnant.  The schedule is simple but constant; eat, clean, sleep, repeat. Weather conditions in this quadrant of the star galaxy have been brutal. The result has been increasing anxiety from barometric pressure on the body inducing a lack of vigor and vitality. Must keep the troops productive! This enemy is sneaky and lethal, but we can beat it.

Biggest concerns of the crew:

• Lavatory paper: In the earlier days of quarantine, before toilet paper was a scant commodity in ship's canteen, fluffy 2-ply was the constant. Due to demand, 1-ply is sometimes all the ship's captain can secure, resulting in reported unwelcome "finger holes" when employing it's desired use. 
• Mess Hall menus: While this ship boasts a Five Star chef, gratification for all it would seem, a daunting task. Chef's choices for daily menus are welcome and delectable, but there's always that ONE.  Yet, 4 out of 5 is still a great satisfaction ratio. Commissary Chef Candy offers her observations, "This isn't a restaurant, you know."
• Refrigerator Duty: "Wasn't me," a constant theme when weekly clean out sessions produce some penicillin worthy mold in the back of the fridge. Crew are questioned regularly and held accountable for uneaten, poorly contained foods that have been left for dead. Fines have been known to be levied. 
• Cocktail Hour: Which most day's turns into "Cocktails for Hours". The outcome of which can result in poor crew production on the morrow. Inebriated behaviors are tolerated for first time offenders only. 
• Flatulence: What was once a intensely personal behavior has now become commonplace and public on this ship. Repeat offenders often refer to behavior as such, calling it lighthearted and funny. When confronted with the outlandish actions, certain crew members have resorted to the much more devious act of "crop-dusting". Fines may definitely need to be levied.
• Privacy and Consideration for your Fellow Crew Mate: While in close quarters, the door closed to the bathroom would signal an occupant. A simple knock on the door would suffice, as opposed to the "busting in without knocking" tactic sometimes employed here. Also, a binge watch session does not give the viewer all day, common room TV rights. Each of the crews living quarters are fashioned with their own personal TV in which to binge watch, so common areas must be considerately utilized for the greater good of all on board. 

With the end of quarantine somewhat in sight, the Captain's job is to keep a tight ship! Steering the course and navigating the daily tasks can be daunting but we must not let boredom and negativity penetrate this spacecraft. It's all speed ahead for a safe landing in the coming weeks, but what that liberation looks like is yet another matter. We look forward to daily life being somewhat similar to the life we had before, although we know this won't be true for a time to come. Going out into the world again daily will be challenging and at times dangerous. But  face those challenges we must! We need to resume some sort of normal behavior soon, yet with guidelines for our safety and the safety of those around us. Safety first!

 And we must remember most of all, that injecting disinfectants is ill advised. No matter what the man with the orange face says.

If I Were A Porn Star...

I'd attend the Porn Golden Globes looking like THIS..... she looked flawless.

So, if I were a porn star my name would be??? Ever wonder what yours would be???? Cmon, you know you have...

I was out some friends and we played this game, and it was hilarious!

Ready?

Your porn name is comprised of:

• your middle name
• the name of the street you grew up on 

Mine? 

Ann Woodridge

Not very sexy. So if you choose to go with  just a single Porn name as a headliner instead, go to the spice cabinet and count the third spice in:

My spice name is AWESOME!

Cinnamon...

Hell yeah, spicy and  sexy! I'll take Cinnamon any day.

What is yours? 

I cant wait for this. It's gonna be good...

A Dog's Life

So I'm back from the big city. I spent a whooping 24 hours there, but it was well worth it. While enjoying the fabulous company of my BFF, we took a leisurely stroll through her neighborhood on what was a splendidly perfect NYC summer evening. Besides all the sights to see in New York, (and believe me there are many) I was taken by how many dogs of all shapes and sizes there were around the streets.

It seemed at every turn, there was a really cute, little face, panting and prodding for my attention. And I'm a sucker for a cute face. And while I walked by the majority with a smile, I must have stopped and patted at least 5 or 6.

New York is very dog accommodating. I even saw several leashed dogs enjoying a spot at an outdoor cafe of a restaurant. No one cared. It was all quite normal, even. It would seem to me that dogs live a good life in the city. Here in the burbs, it's very rare you see a dog in a restaurant, and even then, the dog is in a bag and tucked somewhat lovingly away. But not in New York. Dogs rule the streets.

We saw this guy a few times, with two different people, which means the dog probably has his own staff. On my last trip to the city, I saw a special dog park, complete with doggie sprinklers and cork floors, all for that special little pampered New York City pooch. And if that's not enough, there are doggie day care places and doggie spa's on almost every block in New York. It's big business in a city that is small on space. Henri Bendel, the chic, extremely upscale New York department store has one of the nicest doggie boutique's I have ever seen. The fashions, the accessories, the dishes and bedding is enough to make a young child jealous and your pooch the envy of every other dog in town.

Yes, it must be a dog's life for a New York City dog. They are respected on the streets and enjoy the sites of the city. Who's to say that a dog needs lots of acres to be happy. It seemed to me that these pooches had the best of both worlds. Let's not forget Central Park, for when the country is calling.

And there's always the Hampton's....

It Can't Be That Bad, Can it?

Funny True Happenings To Make You Laugh on Thursday

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000 USD. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from tree hugging onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale. 

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe, leaving her mentally retarded.

In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from 'flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his 'phone and electricity had been cut off.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

There now. Your day's not so bad, is it?

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