My Cup Runneth Over

Sorry fellas, but this is a rant about BRAS, and damn if I'm not in the middle of a mid-life bra crisis. I'd like to start by saying that I've learned a thing or two in the years that I have been wearing a bra about the sizing of a woman's bra. The first and most important thing being:

• The bra size you were in your twenties is not-I repeat-NOT the size you are in your forties. 

Now this is a very tricky statement, because your bra size, or your boob size changes throughout the course of your life so many times that it's way too numerous to keep track of. So to accommodate, we buy new bras in new sizes. We know that breast size fluctuates due to:

• Pregnancy
• Hormonal changes-which occur monthly
• Weight fluctuations
• Human body growth

These are a given, and in my lifetime I have experienced all of these more than once. Hence the 6,000 different sizes of bras that reside in my lingerie drawer. I have lace bras, sports bras, under wire bras, strapless bras, colored bras, seamless bras, padded bras, push up bras and so on. But at the moment I have NO bras-not one- that fit well. When did this happen to me? I noticed mid-summer that the bras that I own were either old, too small or too big, but none were just right. So what did I do? I went to my local dept store and bought some new bras. Judging by my old bras I determined that I needed a larger cup size and a larger back size. Seems logical enough right? 

Wrong...I bought 4 new bras in the new size. Of the 4 bras, one of them is passing for a some what comfortable fit, although my cup runneth over..I then went to TJ Maxx figuring I could buy some cheaper bras in all sizes that I thought might fit me and return the ones I didn't need. This was the WORST idea ever, because now I am so confused as to what size I am that seriously considering burning all my bras this weekend.

Frustrated as hell by this I took to the World Wide Web and punched into the Google Search bar, "proper bra sizing". I found a formula that looks something like this:

1. For Band Size: Using a tape measure and wearing a bra without padding measure low on your back at your bras band level lifting it higher as it comes around your body. 
2. For Bust Size: Measure around the fullest part of your chest (at nipple level)
3. Subtract your Band Size (step 1) from your bust size (step 2)

If the difference is:

0, your cup size is AA. 
1, your cup size is A. 
2, your cup size is B. 
3, your cup size is C. 
4, your cup size is D. 
5, your cup size is DD, etc.

I hope this is accurate because it's getting very expensive, and very uncomfortable. 

Dumb Blonde?

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. 

She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" 

As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. 

Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/blonde-jokes/9

Changing Course

I've got to change course and talk about something else....

So forgive me, but I thought I'd change it up quite a bit. Today I want to talk about the newest beauty craze-
Tit-tooing.

You heard me right, TIT-TOOING, and it's all the rage. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't read about it for myself. Now "tittooing" is nothing like the picture above. No, this latest beauty craze comes out of the UK and it's not about pictures on boobs."Tittooing" is about  the tattooing on or around the nipple to darken the areola or re-shape the nipple. And get this: some people think their nipples are too pink.?

"A lot of people want their nipples made darker. It’s the fashion," says Gail Proudman, a clinician who performs the procedure. "Some people think theirs are too pink or their boyfriends want them done. I think sometimes they are doing it because they are conscious of them being pale and they think it’s fashionable to have dark nipples."

Since when did nipples become "fashionable"?

The entire procedure takes about two hours to perform and touch ups are needed every 12-18 months to avoid fading. Prices have been quoted at 1,200 British Pounds for a full set, which according to today's calculations is about $1827.60 USD. A real bargain.

I have to wonder how safe it all is?

I guess it all comes down to the youth in our culture being obsessed with perfection. I'm all for doing a safe procedure if you can afford it and it makes you feel good. But the last time I checked, unless your job description listed "porn star" a woman's nipples were kept mostly under wraps. Or bras. Or shirts for that matter. I'm not sure what this says about the direction of the youth of our world.

One thing's for sure, I'd file this one under titty torture.