Talking Sh*t

Editorial Discalimer

I want to begin today's blog post with the disclaimer. Today's post is literally

about fecal matter. If you are of the faint of heart please leave now and except my sincerest apologies. Please come back tomorrow when I'm talking about something frivolous like celebrities, nose jobs or boobs. Thank you.

Can we talk? Or the question is can we talk sh*t? 

I got to tell someone because I'm about to blow. I've got to confess that my dog has a shi*ty problem Or a shi*ting problem. Whatever you want to call it driving my family and I bonkers.

My dog is old. Probably about 13 to 14 years, we are not quite sure because he was a pound dog. About six months ago he started pooping on the kitchen floor, upstairs in the hallway and several other places in my house at night. We would let him out 1030 or 11 o'clock at night to make sure he was doing what he needed to do before bed. Sure enough, the next morning there was a package lovingly left somewhere in the house. It's gotten to the point that there are gates cordoning off almost all of the house that the dog is allowed to be in.

Now I know you're saying to yourself, "Haven't you taken him to the vet?" Of course we took him to the vet. We have changed his diet at least six or  seven times in the last six months, yet every night the dog manages to find his spot. The vet has diagnosed him with "hyper diarrhea". I like call it night shi*ting. You've heard of night eating? I think he has night shit*ing. For the last month he has been on probiotics and an anti-diarrheal medication. He takes half an antidiarrheal pill and a pill probiotic with his dinner.

I guess I can be frank here. Since medication, I can report that his fecal specimens have been firmer and better shaped, therefore much easier to clean the package off of the kitchen floor. Thank God for the bulk pack of Clorox antibacterial sanitary wipes at Costco. I might have a nervous breakdown without such a tool to clean up this daily occurrence. And I'm going through them about as quick as anything the dog eats and then goes through him. 

And its not getting any better. We are about to see the vet again for possibly the 5th time since this started and I'm beside myself with the prospect of getting up in the morning to face what awaits me. And here's the thing, this is not about me, it's about him and his health. The vet says his weight is fine and he does not seem to be suffering any ill effects from the chronic pooping. That is good, but WE are suffering from the amount of work and unsanitary aspect of this entire shi*ty situation.

I guess what it all comes down to is love. 

Love is a funny thing, because it makes you do things you would normally never do. Cleaning up dog poop daily is not the way I foresaw my dog living out his golden years, but if this is what I've got then this is what I've got. Like it or not, I love that dog more than I love his problem. So I trudge on, like a trooper hoarding Clorox wipes and supermarket bags to dispose of the problem and hope for the best. Tough sh*it, right?

Maybe it's psychological? But I draw the line at a doggie shrink because if this continues, I'm the only one who's going to need a shrink. 

Green To Red Christmas Experiment

So I have three poinsettia plants left over from last Christmas. Their hearty red leaves have, at this point, all turned green and they are thriving. I have them in a sunny window and they have grown to become quite beautiful.

But they are green, and they are poinsettias. Shouldn't they be red?

Now that fall has arrived on our doorsteps and the mums are in pots outside, I have been looking at the poinsettias and wondering if their leaves will turn back to a beautiful, deep red in time for St. Nick in December. So I googled this question to see what to do.

Lots of stuff came up, and what I found was that I just may have caught these beauties in time to make it work. The overall solution was this:

In order to get, or force a poinsettia plant to turn red you must eliminate it's light. The flower formation, key to turning the leaves from green to red, is triggered by periods of darkness. During the day the plant needs bright light to absorb energy for color production, but at night they must not receive any bright light for a minimum of 12 hours.

So what do I do? And is it even worth all the trouble? I could just buy new red ones and be done with it, right? Or I could keep them green and just keep them where they are, thriving and see what happens. The curious soul inside me thinks I should experiment with at least two of the three..

I then found this:
"You have to shorten the day light it receives. In high school I worked at a green house and we raised 50,000 plus poinsettias a year. Starting around September place it in the closet around 3 pm and take it out around 7am. This will force the leaves to turn red. Its a lot of work, trust me I know after all the years i worked in the green house I have never bought a poinsettia since."

What would you do bloggers?

Foxy Brown

EDITOR"S NOTE: Today's post is not a political endorsement of any candidate running for office or any political party. Today's post is just an observation/opinion on physical appearance and has no political agenda whatsoever.


Ok, so can we talk freely?

When did Scott Brown become so foxxy?? I'm watching my TV and I spy a Brown for Senate ad and I'm suddenly thinking. 'damn, that Scott Brown is handsome'. Of course, the ad portrays him as an everyday kind of guy who folds laundry and takes to the road to speak to the people, but I can't stop thinking that the guy is hot. Shame on me.

As a political figure, I'll keep my Scott Brown opinions to myself, but if he's speaking to a group of ladies, I'll wager that he's got ALL of their attention. I'm not sure that is a good or a bad thing, because during that speech, I'm sure 90% of those ladies aren't quite getting his whole message. Yeah, they're thinking what I was thinking and, "What was that you said again? Never mind."

It's true that Scott Brown got some mad swagger these days. Is it because he is a US Senator and he splits his time between Washington and the state of Massachusetts and has tons of photo ops with important and influential people? It can't hurt, and that's what I'm talking about here today. Physical beauty=opportunity. Shallow, but true. Now with all that attention, I have to ask the question if attention=votes? And in an election year, when the women's vote is highly respected and sought after, I wonder if Foxy Brown here has a slight advantage in the voting booth.

As my dad would say; maybe yes, maybe no.

I'd hate to think that women were that shallow.

It's Way BEYOND The BED And BATH

So I take Frick shopping yesterday for college, cuz you know, first year and all, and we are not quite sure exactly what she's going to need. I know it's hard to believe, but it wasn't that long ago that I was in college. So we make our list and we go off to college dorm headquarters: Bed, Bath and Beyond.

We already got all her bedding at Pottery Barn Dorm, (a GREAT deal btw) and now we needed to find all the extra little things she will be needing. Upon entering Bed Bath and Beyond, we were immediately greeted with huge signs announcing their college program. You can sign up. like a registry, and scan all of the items you want, then pick them up and pay for them at a Bed, Bath and Beyond near your college. They even had a print out for your specific college (NYU) and a list of what to bring and what not to bring.

This was great! But completely overwhelming to say the least. They provide check lists for college dorm room and the options? Holy cow, you can pimp a college dorm room out to your heart's content if not your wallet.

We spent over three and a half hours pouring over the items, and they get you with all of the special little things. Take for example the bed bug thing. Since Frick is going to New York city, I have to consider the fact that bed bugs could turn out to be an issue. Bed, Bath and Beyond has the solution, of course, with special mattress protectors, pillow protectors and bed bug spray. Yes, please. We added them to our cart. Then she needs organizers for the closet, her shoes, the bathroom, her desk top, and don't forget kitchen and cleaning supplies and now we are just getting started. A safe? For valuables, yes of course. Then she needs wall coverings, towels, and a bean bag chair. Why not?

When we were done we spent way over $1000.00. Crazy? I have been going over it in my head. Does she need it? I decided it is all necessary, but here's the thing: Some we took home with us but most we left on the registry to be picked up in NYC. Now I'm thinking that if we pick it up there and pay for it there, we will be paying a much higher sales tax rate. Is it worth it for the convenience? Or will we be loading the car down with more stuff, thereby using more fuel? You see my conundrum?


There is but one saving grace.

Bed, Bath and Beyond will accept as many coupons as we have items. This is a very good thing and may save my sales tax dilemma.

So help a blogger out and please send any and all coupons for BB&B my way, because I forgot to mention that at the exact same time we have begun all this madness......the tuition bill arrived.

Lord have mercy.

Money Matters

This is what my kids think I am. A fricken money machine.

I swear, this is all that they see when they look at me. Money, money, money. And here's the thing, THEY BOTH HAVE JOBS! Their best excuse? "Oh, I deposited my paycheck and I left my wallet in my room." Really? How stupid do they think I am?

Here's how stupid. They always say it's for food because if they say it's for food, they know I will give it to them. Usually it's a 5 dollar bill or a ten dollar bill but those $5.00 to $10.00 hits really add up after a while, and the next thing I know, I have not a dollar in my wallet.

So here's a newsflash for them: I'm not a money machine and the good times stop here! Use your own hard earned money, and eat at home before you go out. I don't care how "un-cool" it is to eat at home. If you're so worried about how cool it looks then use your own money.

And another thing, any money I find in the washing machine, including $20.00 bills, will now be going into my pocket. Finders keepers. If you aren't responsible enough to keep track of your cash (or mine for that matter) then I will take back control of said money. Just like the cruel world, there will be no money mercy.

The tribe has spoken...

Fashion Frenzy

I am a nut.

Many of you who have been hanging around The Daily Dandy for long enough know this to be fact. You also know that I am a fashion nut. Fashion speaks to my soul, and nothing makes me feel better than the feel of fine fashions against my skin.

But today I am a SMART nut.

Today I made some mean fashion decisions and hit the mother load.

Italian designer, Missoni, (my most very favorite designer) hit Target stores across the country today with low price, fabulous signature zig zag goods designed for the masses. I have been counting the days till this fasionista's dream came true ever since I saw the ad on TV a week ago.

"Shut UP," I found myself saying out loud to no one in particular when I saw it.

Missoni and low price are two words you would almost never see in a sentence together, so imagine my excitement when I learned of this offering. I had my strategy all planned out too. I was going to go right at 8am when the store opened, and I even called last night to confirm the sale. Myself and 10 other women stool outside the huge store this morning, ready to enter. Piece of cake, I thought, this is going to be easy.

You never saw 10 women turn on each other quicker in your life.

It was a fricken free for all. The section where the inexpensive Missoni fashions hung was small, but those 10 women weren't fooling around. Most were grabbing hangers of clothes, 4 and 5 at a time and stuffing them into their carts. I some how managed to grab 3 dresses, a jacket and a skirt for Frick and move on quick. I knew there were shoes.

I got to the shoes just as one woman had about 15 boxes in front of her and she defensively hovered over the boxes. I grabbed my size in the two pairs that I wanted and was herded out of that section by the masses that had moved on from the clothing. Steering my cart over to the housewares section with the intensity of a Brinks truck driver, I then scored some of my favorite items on my menu. I got a two tired appetizer tray, a set of three nesting bowls, two mugs, a candle tray, a serving platter and two bath towels. I almost didn't even know what I was doing. Almost.

The looks on the other shoppers faces as we navigated throughout the store was priceless. I caught a section for men's ties. I had to buy My Guy something. I scored a cute winter scarf, I grabbed a multi colored throw for the house and I found the perfect duvet and shams for my guest room. I was delirious with adrenaline, and I knew I was done. At the check out line the woman in front of me telling me her shopping cart story, was almost pathetic.

"That lady rammed into me with her shopping cart, ON PURPOSE."

I was almost embarrassed to have been a part of it. Almost.

It was exactly 8:34 am when I started my car and pulled out for my departure with the treasures. Thirty four minutes from start to finish. I'm not even going there with how much I spent, but I can tell you that the most expensive item was $79.99.

And I'm a smart shopper who, today, is in zig-zag heaven.

Epic Fail

Oh boy, do I have a story for you.

So I'm reading the Boston Herald yesterday and I read this:

North End restaurateur Nick Varano is heading to the small screen with a new show on New England Sports Network. The charismatic Strega owner is hosting an opening casting call tonight for a co-host/reporter from 8 to 11 p.m. at Strega Waterfront.

So why the auditions? “None of my friends are good-looking enough,” Varano quipped. Produced by Dirty Water TV productions, “The Strega Life with Nick Varano” will air once a month on NESN starting in early April. “It’s going to be like a variety type show,” Varano said.


So I let this marinate in my mind for most of the morning, I then ask some of the people I work with what they think. You know, like if I'm too old for this at this point in my life and stupid self deprecating crap like that. I gotta tell you that as much as I love being the center of attention, I really don't love being the center of attention.

I was surprised by what I heard. Everyone was all over me like white on rice.

"Oh my God, You HAVE to do this!"
"Candy, this was made for you!"
"You're so gonna get this!"

Later in the day, one of my favorite clients came into my boutique. We were chatting and working together, and she said to me, "Candy, you need to be in the movies." (OK, just so you know, I am not blowing smoke up my own a**, she really said that) I then tell her about the audition, to which I receive the same reaction. Fans, gotta love them. Funny thing is I then started thinking maybe I should do this. My background is in journalism, I've been in front of the camera countless times, yeah, I can do this.

I put my plan into action and did my due diligence. I called the company and asked about the specifics, did some research on Mr. Varano, told my husband, who got a good chuckle out of it and then lent his support and got a good friend to come with me. We arrive at the audition location and I put my name on the list. I was surprised to see of hundred women there, 90% of them had head shots and resumes. I did not, but fueled by my new found rock star status, I didn't care. I was not one bit nervous or intimidated. I actually felt so in control and quietly confident that I barely recognized myself. I was completely in my own head, which was a triumph in itself.

We sat at the restaurant bar and waited until it was my turn to dance. When my time came, I walked into a room with about 25 other women. I was at the back end of the line, about five in from the end. They announced that for this round of auditions, we were to grab the mike, stand in front of the camera, say your name, say you "Live the Strega life" and tell a little bit about yourself and then turn to the judges and do it again.

I watched as almost all of the 20 women in front of me bombed, and began to feel the adrenaline pump through my veins. Suddenly I felt like a crack addict on a bad trip, and I wondered why that girl of quiet confidence who walked through the door minutes earlier had abandoned me like a criminal scrambling from police sirens. I needed to think fast and do something to make me stand out from the rest as the ladies before me were toppling like domino's. Then it came to me! I knew exactly what I was going to say that will make them remember me and I'm going to take a risk.

My turn came and I took the microphone, said hello to the judges, (one of which was none other than Rajon Rondo), and began my shtick. I started out strong, real strong, so I thought. I announced articulately that I "lived the Strega life", and that the Strega life was all about passion, food, fun and fashion, living life to the fullest.

Then I gave it to them, the line I was sure would make them remember me and get a chuckle out of them.

I said in my best Seacrest impression, "And I am the next American Idol."

Crickets.

The rest is a blur, because at that very moment I was revealed to be the poser that I was. I wasn't at all surprised that they didn't ask me to stay and I wondered why I hadn't gone with my original plan. I didn't tell them about my blog, my kids, my shop, my life, and I realized I left them with very little other than the fact that I think I'm the next American Idol.

Epic fail.

In hindsight, I realized that I failed because I abandoned who I really am and I abandoned that quiet confidence of the girl that walked through the door. I should have repeated to them what became my mantra yesterday, before my fateful audition.

"You can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket."

And I got a valuable lesson. I realized that sometimes, the only real competition is within yourself.

Unrest In Peace

A quick peek at all the news that's out there today reveals s a lot of unrest. It's everywhere you look. There's the unrest in Egypt. There's unrest in Lybia and in Mexico City the drug cartels are bonding together to resist capture. Here in the US, Charlie Sheen is babbling and manic-ly proclaiming his rock star status while Lindsay Lohan has commenced on her own "Unrest-full" press tour.

I read yesterday that although there is unrest in the world we live in, Americans are more interested in who won an Oscar and whatever words last came out of Charlie Sheen's mouth.

Why? Because we can. Because our forefather's fought many a famous battle of unrest to ensure that we had certain freedoms from political dictators and oppressive governments. So we can indulge in frivolity, in the privacy of our own computers, if we so choose.

In Beijing, the Chineese people are uprising against authoritarian rule, only to be met with police force and imprisonment. In Yemen, thousands of protesters took to the streets to protest against their president, possibly hoping for the same kind of outcome as Egypt. Yet, in LA, they are calling a press conference to announce the new cast of Dancing With the Stars.

And somehow, it's OK because that's just how we, as Americans, roll. Detroit Free Press journalist Mitch Albom wrote about how the Kardashian's made $65 million dollars last year without doing anything of particular importance. Not one of them found a cure for cancer, wrote a Pulitzer Prize winning essay, solved an economic crisis or contributed anything of civic value to this country. They simply perfected the art of having an audience and we bought it, all $65 million hooks, lines and sinkers.

There is a battle going on in this country too, over public vs private workers and the unions that represent them. The battle hymn of the so called "working man" can be heard throughout the land.

I just hope it's not loud enough to drown out tonite's 20/20 episode with Charlie Sheen.

Falling Down

I fell down yesterday, but I got up.

I fell down hard yesterday; again, but I have to get up.

The strength to get up is innate and it protects me.

I pray it will see me through, for I have been walking on unsure footing for a while.

My trail has ended and I choose me.

I walk it alone and I will try not to stumble.

I have gotten up before and I will get up again. I have faith in me.

Mini Me

A while back, on some,"10 random facts about me" meme, I posted the fact that I love miniatures. I still have my childhood doll house, pimped out with awesome, life like mini-furniture and home accessories, rugs, lighting, etc, that would rival any museum-quality reproduction. In certain places in my home today you will find a few miniatures, here and there, tastefully placed as to enhance the decor of the room. My mom used to joke when I was a kid that I would one day marry a midget to encapsulate my love of mini things, (I married a mental midget, but that's a story for a different day) and both of my kids got the "mini" gene.

Having said all that, I consider myself a discriminating mini collector, as a coveted mini, for me, must have that certain aura of duplicity to send me into a frenzy.

By now I am sure that you have all seen the SmartCar.

Adorable, economical and all over Europe. I thought they were cute, but they did not leave me running for the car dealership wanting to make a deal.

Today that has all changed. I got an email that sent my mini-instincts into overdrive, literally! I'm not quite sure these are real or not, but I am more than sure that I want them all!!!

I present to you my mini fantasy.

heehee, The Smorvette! For those "just you and the open road" days.

The Smaudi A3, for the one child pick-ups after the soccer game!

The Smorche!! This one is quite possibly my favorite, as I am a Porsche owner. (My Guy technically is the owner, but I drive it more than he does)

The Smerrari! AHHHHHH! This one is so stinkin' cute I can hardly stand it!

The Smamborghini!! By BFF's hubby has the exact big version. G-Dog, this could be for you and Big's weekend driving!!

How could I choose between them? I want them all!

I think I'm in love.....

The Gluttony Of Chinese Eating

Why is it that when ordering Chinese food you end up ordering wayyyy more than you need? What is it about Chinese that turns you into a gluttonous pig who has to devour every thing? When we eat Chinese it's almost like the last supper, as everyone needs to order their favorite dishes and spoons far more food onto their plates than they should.

Let's say you go to your favorite steak house. Do you ever end up ordering 5 or 6 appetizers and then 3 or 4 main dishes? Not likely. What about Italian? Do you ever end up with numerous entrees and box the rest to take home? It's more likely that where ever you eat, besides Chinese, you possibly order one appetizer, one entree and if you don't finish it, you take the rest home. Right? So why do we cram fork-fulls of Chinese into our mouths like the apocalypse is about to descend upon us? Then, after the bountiful banquet of Chinese has been consumed, we leave the restaurant, with stomach's fully distressed, to go home and feel the need for something more to eat a mere 2 to 3 hours later. What gives?

I have my favorites at the Chinese restaurant, and I guess I would feel a sense of loss of I did not consume a small amount of each dish when I am eating Chinese. For instance, I love egg roll, and I have to have some Crab Rangoon and steamed vegetarian dumplings. But then those chicken fingers and chicken wings look awfully good, so I have to try those also. My Guy loves beef terriaki on a stick and my son loves Peking Ravioli, so I need to taste a little of those too. Boneless spareribs for my daughter, and those are just the appetizers! Then comes the main entrees. The kids love chicken lo mein and General Gau Chicken with fried rice, then I have to have my spicy string beans and chicken and shrimp dish as well as a sizzling beef with onions dish and what the hell; lets get the shrimp with lobster sauce and try the basil chicken special!

You see where this is headed?
I'm feeling sick all over again. The worst part is, that after all that gluttony, we take home the left overs, but no one wants to touch them because we made such pigs out of ourselves the night before. After a feast like that I have just about had my fill of Chinese for at least a few days.

Then someone mentions the restaurant's wonderful lunch buffet and my Chinese wheels start turning. Could I do it all over again? I guess I could just have a little bit, because it's nothing like dinner. At lunch you have the option of ordering a lunch plate, complete with 2 to 3 delicacies suited to your tastes. No biggie right? The other option is the "all you can eat" buffet which, of course, has an endless supply of everyone's favorites, with no limit on your servings or their size and if I go for that option I can get more of my favorites.

And so it begins again.
The gluttony of Chinese eating. I am almost ashamed to tell you that I am seriously considering having some right now.

I just have one question for you.

How many of you are going to the local Chinese restaurant for lunch today after reading this?

Gwennie, Your Challenge Has Opened A Pandora's Box Of Emotions

One of my favorite Blogger buddies Gwen, over at Everything I Like Causes Cancer has reached a blogging milestone. She hit the 600 mark. That's right, 600 posts and still going strong! Way to go Gwen, and a hearty Daily Dandy Congrats for keeping us laughing. Gwen is seriously the best! She is not only completely HILARIOUS, but sweet, smart, generous and caring. The blog world would be so much more of a LOL wonderful place, if there were more Gwens in the bloggersphere, but make no mistake, there is only one Gwen. Go check her out and tell her I sent you. (and if I ever get my butt to St. Louis Gwen, I am so looking you up for a round of drinks)

In honor of her 600th post Gwen asked us to join her in celebrating with her by finding a piece of clothing/footwear/accessory that you can't get rid of.

As she put it:

I suspect everyone has at least one piece of clothing like my pajama top: that pair of shoes you can't seem to throw in the trash despite them being broken down and soleless; that ratty-ass three-quarter-sleeve tee-shirt from the 1986 AC/DC Fly on The Wall tour that is covered in paint stains the same color as your second bathroom; that pair of jeans you finally had to make into cut-off shorts and now you can't get rid of the shorts even though your ass hangs out the bottom like a $2 hooker.

So I want you to do me a favor. Tonight when you get home from work, or today while the kiddos are napping, go find your clothing/footwear/accessory equivalent of my pajama top and take a picture of the revered item. Post the picture on your own blog tomorrow and tell us the story behind it. You don't have to link back to this post because I don't get fussy about stuff like that but please do come back and leave a comment so we can find and enjoy your stories.

I am more than happy to oblige. BUT, little did I know that the item I chose would cause a cacophony of emotions from deep inside me.

You see those raggedy-ass clogs in the picture above? Yeah, they are what's got me into a lather. See, I bought them about three or four years ago at a DSW Shoe Warehouse (read:discount). They are Michael Kors $89.00 cloggy things but I loved them to death....literally. Look at the heel of the shoe on the right, you will see that it has snapped, almost off, just barely hanging by a thread. The thing is, this is not the first time the heel on these suckers have snapped, while I was wearing them. Noooo, this would be the second time, only the first time it was the other shoe's heel that gave out. I contemplated throwing them into the trash then, but decided to research the cost of gluing the wooden heel back on because I became quite attached to the little clogs.

I loved them because they have a great wooden heel (that apparently wasn't strong), and in their prime I wore them to work with dress pants or jeans, as they crossed over into both the casual and office dress genres quite nicely. Not to mention that they are slip ons!! Yahoo for slip ons, I tell you. Easy and looked great. I was in Clog heaven. I always felt great pairing them up with my sexy jeans, they elongated the legs nicely and made be feel sassy.

Now, the good Lord above knows that I own over 6,372 pairs of shoes. Each one unique, some breathtakingly expensive, some not. The initial $89.00 investment on these shoes will be nearly doubled after I have them repaired for the second time, as the first repair cost $45 at my shoe guru's shop. But I can't let them go...After I broke the second shoe, I put them in a bag and threw them in the trash......Then I went back out the garbage can and retrieved them. Yes. I. Did. And I retrieved them again today from my car, so that I could photograph them for you. They've been in there for about a month now, the intention is to get them to the shoe guru, but I keep wrestling with the justification in my mind.

WTF is it with these shoes???? I have bought shoes twenty times more expensive, in less than three seconds, that have never let me down and performed to perfection on command. So what is it about these, inferior, cheaply made, soooo way past the season, clogs that has me in an emotional tailspin?

Christ, I need a shoe psychologist.

Desparately Searching The Dog Whisperer

My dogs suck.

There, I said it. I love them very much and really wouldn't want to live without any of them, but sometimes I feel like they rule my life. I have 3 dogs too many, and they most certainly subscribe to a "pack" mentality because they gang up on me regularly.

They know that I am a sucker for a cute face and they work that fact to their advantage.

Lets take a look at the three of them individually, and by order of age.

Amos-Amos is the black and white Jack Russell Terrier. Amos was a stray that My Guy got at a local dog shelter seven years ago who was severely abused. We aren't quite sure of the exact age of Amos, but the vet has "guess-timated" his age around 12 or 13 years old. He had been adopted by families twice, both times he was brought back for biting and nasty behaviors. He also had severe hip problems, from being abused, and was on the block to be put to sleep. When My Guy saw Amos, he was told that Amos was un-adoptable and to take him out of consideration. Of course, after playing with him for a bit and then taking him for a walk, he pleaded with the powers that be at the shelter to adopt Amos, exclaiming that this was the only dog for him.

He went through a vigorous adoption process and was cleared to adopt Amos on the condition that he would give Amos the proper surgery for his hips and because My Guy was a single man at the time and could devote his full attention to Amos's needs. Needless to say Amos is a different dog today than he was seven years ago. He came to live with us; myself, my two children and my two dogs, 3 years ago. Amos adjusted to family life and the rest of the dog pack beautifully. So much for the opinion of the "powers that be" at the shelter. He is a very intelligent dog and very intuitive and is the best cuddler in the world.

Amos is the true alpha of the pack. Boss Hog of all the other dogs (and sometimes me) for sure, and a mama's boy. As I type this, he is "allowing" me to share my desk chair with him. He has 80% of the chair, allowing my ass the remaining 20%.

Jingle-Jingle is the fawn pug and the only female dog in the pack. Miss Ming, as she is affectionately known, is 6 years old and is the sweetest, little pain in the ass dog ever. She snorts, farts, snores and sheds. Jingle has to be on top of me if I am sitting on the couch watching TV, god forbid any of the other dogs get closer to me than she does and she is a little spitfire. She takes no crap from any of the other dogs and will let them know if she has reached her limit with them in no uncertain terms. She is an excellent watch dog, but will bark at the slightest thing and loud and often. This, of course, sets off a chain reaction of the other two, which leads to a cacophony of endless dog barking. She is also the trash queen, as she sees any unattended trash barrel as a new world which needs exploring. Of the three, I have to say that Jingle is the most disobedient, yet the lowest maintenance dog.

Buddy-Buddy is a 5 year old boxer and the star of The Daily Dandy Post's entitled, "See Buddy". Buddy is a love, but he is my problem child. Spastic, mischievous and supremely energetic, Buddy gets into trouble, A LOT. But with a face like that he regularly gets away with it and he knows it. Garden hoses, potted plants, basketballs, newspapers; anything out side is free game to Buddy. If for some reason the garage doors were left open, Buddy will drag out hockey bags, golf balls, tools, trash, shovels and anything else that strikes his fancy. He lifts his leg wherever and whenever he sees fit, and this includes inside the house, and he is a slobber-er. Yup, long drool threads that hang from his jowls, threatening any outfit I,or anyone in the house is wearing. Buddy is sweet and plays stupid, but he is much smarter than he thinks we think he is.

My dogs have their own staff. I'm not kidding here, Buddy and Jingle go to Doggy Day care on Mondays and Buddy occasionally works with the trainer there. Amos used to go to work daily with My Guy, but because he's now a family dog, he's "semi-retired" opting to stay home with the pack more often than not. They also have my cleaning girl, who stays with them when we travel and tends to them daily.

None of this seems to be promoting changed behavior. The dogs will listen to My Guy first, he is the true alpha, but when it comes to me, it's like they got my number. They'll behave for a little while and then they'll just do what they want anyway.

Someone please get me The Dog Whisperer stat! As I type this they are barking incessantly at a woman walking a dog down the street-inside the house! AHHHH!

Cesar Millan, TV's self proclaimed dog psychologist says:

"I rehabilitate dogs. I train people." - Cesar Millan

I need a people trainer ASAP.

"911, What's Your Emergency" Part 1. I had to make that call this morning. I fell on the ice and banged my head. Right now I am in the ER. I'm ok.

Gentelmen (and ladies), start your engines!!!

*Please be advised, the content presented here is adult in nature and may contain the use of profanity and sexually explicit content. Content of this nature is expressed here today only for the purposes of the electoral process and not usually contained within writings posted on this site daily. Kinda.

I received 26 equally hilarious posts and comments for nomination to the Hall of Fame. That being said, my job, to whittle them down to only 10, was NOT easy. Then, you factor in that what may strike some as comical may not be as funny to another, and you begin to see my conundrum. It is also the beauty of this democratic process.

So, taking into consideration the fact that there is so much good stuff here, I decided to post the top 15 for consideration on the ballot (can you blame me?) and the other 10 for the category of Honorable Mention.

The guide lines for the election are as follows:

• The nominations are numbered so that you can correspond your vote with your favorite numbered comment nominee on the ballot.


• The blogger who nominated the other is named first, then the URL linking you to the post with the nominee's comment and then the actual comment nominated. *a word of caution: I got so lost in all the other hilarious comments on the posts that I had to keep going back and checking to see who was nominated. Better to stay the course, for the integrity of your vote-then go back and re-read later.


• Voting ends at 3am EST tonight. You may vote for as many nominees as you like-and let's employ the honor system here-but you may only vote for a nominee ONCE.


• The voting is open to ALL bloggers. You need not have nominated someone in order to cast a vote.


• The winner will be revealed Tuesday morning.

Without further adieu, I present to you the NOMINEES: (in no specific order)

#1. Falwless nominated Mike for:
http://everythingilikecausescancer.blogspot.com/2008/10/atonement.html

mike said...
I don't even think that's a real unicorn.

#2. MeLO nominated The iNDefatigable mjenks for:

http://justeasier.blogspot.com/2008/11/have-you-seen-this-yet.html

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...
Wow. I was afraid we were gonna go all Sharks and Jets there for a second.

#3. Dr Zibbs nominated Words, Words, Words for:

http://everythingilikecausescancer.blogspot.com/2008/11/he-has-name.html

words words words said...
I say he's getting you accustomed to this form of communication so that he can fulfill his legal requirement to notify you that he's a sex offender without actually talking to you face to face.Even if that's NOT it, this is the best thing that could ever happen to your blog. I'm jealous

#4. Dr. Zibbs nominated Whiskeymarie for:

http://everythingilikecausescancer.blogspot.com/2008/11/he-has-name.html

Whiskeymarie said...
I actually once dated a guy who basically just left me a note. He ended up being the boyfriend who didn't ever really have a job who played Nintendo all day naked, but it really did have a sweet beginning. Our first date was (and I don't say gross stuff like this often)...magical. Who cares if it's the garbageman? That means he has a steady job and will bring you all sorts of cool stuff that he found on his route, like broken chairs and unwanted babies.

#5. Candy nominated Vodka Mom for:

http://thatblueyak.blogspot.com/2008/11/elevatorsold-peoplethe-retarded-butt.html

Vodka Mom said...
sweet baby jesus. Finger condoms? I'd type more, but it's hard to type with one hand, while the other is protecting my a**.

#6 Gwen nominated Eric (who I am assuming is this funny dude) for:

http://everythingilikecausescancer.blogspot.com/2008/10/marco-pollo.html

Eric said...
I'm waiting to see one of these headlines from the Post Dispatch...

Joe "Six Pack" Biden Caught Trolling for Walleye

Completely Hairless Woman Terrifies Small Children With Lack Of Eyelashes

Metropolitan St. Louis Sewer District Tells Soulard Woman – We've Taken About Enough Of Your S**t

Local Office Worker "Works From Home" on Fridays. Rest of Office Sees 15% Productivity Increase.

Angie Devastated As Brad Elopes With Her ARCH Nemesis

#7. Falwess nominated Beckeye for:

http://thatblueyak.blogspot.com/2008/08/whos-birthday-boy-that-looks-taller-on.html

BeckEye said...
You know that elevator that you're on has an H for "Hell," don't you?

#8 Falwess nominated Dr. Zibbs for:

http://lotsbetterthenyourblog.blogspot.com/2008/09/large-hadron-wha.html

Dr Zibbs said...
Falwless, you've got a good blog, but when it comes to Science, you don't know shit. Let me field this question. You see, when you got a proton and you want to split it..wait..there's an atom split but it's very small so when...uh..I gotta go.

* funny post Fal-equally funny comment Zibbsy; but be sure to read mjenks comment also. it was TRUE genius.

#9. Candy nominated Slyde for:

http://candysdailydandy.blogspot.com/search/label/See%20Buddy

Slyde said...the dog is just being framed by the white man...

#10. Candy nominated Poobomber for:

http://www.whiskeymarie.com/2008/11/cant-talk.html

Poobomber said...
You forgot to mention Bob likes spanking and hardcore a**play and a*al, while Mavis likes double penetration and dirty sex with strangers.

They're the perfect couple. They thank Jesus every time when Bob can pick up a hitchhiker leaving Mt. Rushmore, bring him home, tie him up, and he and Mavis can get their freak on....

*click above to read the rest. Great Stuff. BTW-you both should write a book about the life of Bob and Mavis. Good times.

#11. Gwen nominated Pistols at Dawn for:

http://katrocket.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-big-wicked-online-pageant-entry.html

pistols at dawn said...
Finally, someone using children for their intended purpose: prop comedy.

#12. Gwen nominated McGone for:

http://everythingilikecausescancer.blogspot.com/2008/06/playing-with-our-food.html

McGone said...
Is it gross to make out with an elf?Not at all, but if you are expecting them to call you the next day, you'll be very disappointed.I'm sorry, I have to go. I have something in my eye.

#13. Fancy Schmancy nominated Dr. Zibbs for:

https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=4010235121801086626&postID=1617990470694354356

Dr Zibbs said...
That lady is a jerk! But how funny would it have been if when you asked the kids where his mom was he was really a midge like on the Warner Brothers cartoons, "Listen seee, I'm a full grown man. Whadya talkin' about lady?"

*read further the back and forth with Fancy and Zibbs. Great stuff.

#14. The Imaginary Reviewer nominated Beckeye for:

http://imaginary-review.blogspot.com/2008/07/horoscopes.html

BeckEye said...
I went to high school with this girl who was a crazy born again Christian, and she told me that horoscopes were the "gateway" to devil worship. Well sir, talk about being able to predict the future! One night, after she told me that for the umpteenth time, I ripped her tongue out, cut her throat and offered up her blood to the Dark One. She's my zombie slave now and, gosh, we still laugh about the irony of that whole thing.

#15. Gwen nominated The Lady Who Dosen't Lunch, Falwess, Suze, and Whiskeymarie for:

http://everythingilikecausescancer.blogspot.com/search/label/I%27m%20not%20here%3B%20please%20leave%20a%20message%20and%20I%27ll%20get%20back%20to%20you%20on%20my%20return.

Falwless said...
*moves tent to back porch*
The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...
I'm very sorry. I pooped in your bushes while I was waiting.
Suze said...

Camping on your front porch - ha? I broke into your house, drank your alcohol, slept in your bed and ate the last of your Rice Krispies. Wait....you do live in New Jersey right? gulp...right?
Whiskeymarie said...
I was camping on what I THOUGHT was your porch...Your neighbors have no sense of humor whatsoever. You'd think they would have been HAPPY to come home to a passed out drunk chick in her underwear. Hmmm...maybe it was the vomit in the mailbox that they were mad about. Who can really say?

So there you have your Top 15 nominees for consideration. As I said, this was not easy so if you didn't see your favorite above, you can cast a vote for them in the Honorable Mention category.

Honorable Mention Nominees are as follows: (in no specific order)

#1. Dr Zibbs nominated Some Guy for:

http://thatblueyak.blogspot.com/2008/11/random-things-about-blogs-and-some.html

Some Guy said...
I actually prefer StatCounter for my statistical needs (I have used Google Analytics, too). It seems like it's much more detailed. For example, it tells me what people are wearing when they read my blog. Seriously, some of you people are pretty depraved.

#2. Gwen nominated Gwen and Whiskeymarie for:

http://www.suzelssass.com/2008/11/change.html

Gwen said...
Whiskeymarie is a man.Oh shit, that's not MY secret to tell. Oops
Whiskeymarie said...
I had something funny to say, but I was laughing so hard at what Gwen said that I forgot what it was. Oh yeah- Gwen has a "thing" for midgets, and she has webbed feet.
Gwen said...
Whiskeymarie speaks the truth; I'm a very good swimmer.

#3. Falwess nominated Dr. Zibbs for:

http://www.whiskeymarie.com/2008/11/cant-talk.html

Dr Zibbs said...
Mavis: Bob! We're on the Internet!

Bob: Did we win something?

Mavis: I don't know...it.. looks like...we're getting made fun of.

Bob: Get my gun.

#4 Candy nominated The iNDefatigable mjenks for:

http://candysdailydandy.blogspot.com/2008/10/we-interrupt-this-program-for-special.html

*don't read the whole thing-well, you can if you want to- but scroll down to the picture of Mel Gibson and read just that.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...
That chick to the left looks Jewish. You think Mel's uncomfortable?

#5. Gwen nominated Falwess for:

http://ladywhodoesntlunch.blogspot.com/2008/08/brace-yourself-i-hate-birds.html

But Falwess graciously denominated herself. I just love this post! It is hilarious and Gwen's comment is a classic to which the Lady who dosen't lunch's reply is great too! A vote here is for all three of them!

Falwless said...
I cannot stop laughing. F**K. This is way funnier than anything I have ever posted on my blog ever. In the history of ever. I may just have to rename my blog after seeing this post. Or add the addendum (except for Gifts from a Broad). S**t.I'm gonna go read it again and laugh like I've never read it before. It's always better the second time around because then you know when the good parts are coming up.God I need a life.
Gwen said:
A gaggle of Car Sh***ing F**k Knuckles destroyed the interior of my convertible once. I've had the it hand-detailed twice and that s**t won't come off in some places. The same night someone stole the instruction manual for my car out of the glove box. I didn't lock it because, really, who steals a f**king instruction manual?!? A dipsh*t who can't likely read, that's who.Oh Lady, you've got me riled up now. Look out.
The Lady Who Doesn’t Lunch said:
Gwen - It's the Elmer's glue in their diet that keeps the s**t sticking for decades. Little bastards. Calm down Gwennie - get a drink.

#6. Gwen nominated The Imaginary Reviewer for:

http://katrocket.blogspot.com/2008/08/high-four.html

The Imaginary Reviewer said...
Wow, he's playing a hand? That's impressive. Soon he'll work his way up to being a groin, then a torso, and eventually he'll be a whole boy!

#7. Gwen nominated Anonymous for:

http://everythingilikecausescancer.blogspot.com/2008/11/he-has-name.html

Anonymous said...
Gwen and Brian: The first meeting.

Gwen: It's so nice to finally meet you!

Brian: (Scribble, scribble, scribble)

Gwen: You say "You have watched me from afar and have been too shy to come forward." How cute!

*click above to read the entire comment.

#8. Mr. nominated Big Ben for:

http://slopmaster.wordpress.com/2006/02/06/man-hands/#comments

· Big Ben said:

There is no doubt I would have punched him in the face.
· Big Ben said:

on second thought I don’t want to fight someone with an erection

#9. Fancy Schmancy nominated Kate for:

https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=4010235121801086626&postID=5059078710701860162

kate said...
Ha! That is a great story!! And I'm sooo glad I'm not the only one. Last year, when my daughter was in first grade, I went to pick her up from school. Another (very proper) mother and I were discussing a play date and pick up times. I MEANT to ask "What time to you eat dinner?" Instead I asked "What time do you start drinking?" Yes, I'm afraid I did.

#10. Dr. Zibbs nominated McGone for:

http://thatblueyak.blogspot.com/2008/09/dude-at-wcu-not-getting-laid-this.html

McGone said...
It would really be a cherry on top if the owner said "OK, now that you have the costume on, let's practice the dance moves."

Told you this would take some time. My work here is done. Happy Voting!!