My Cup Runneth Over

Sorry fellas, but this is a rant about BRAS, and damn if I'm not in the middle of a mid-life bra crisis. I'd like to start by saying that I've learned a thing or two in the years that I have been wearing a bra about the sizing of a woman's bra. The first and most important thing being:

• The bra size you were in your twenties is not-I repeat-NOT the size you are in your forties. 

Now this is a very tricky statement, because your bra size, or your boob size changes throughout the course of your life so many times that it's way too numerous to keep track of. So to accommodate, we buy new bras in new sizes. We know that breast size fluctuates due to:

• Pregnancy
• Hormonal changes-which occur monthly
• Weight fluctuations
• Human body growth

These are a given, and in my lifetime I have experienced all of these more than once. Hence the 6,000 different sizes of bras that reside in my lingerie drawer. I have lace bras, sports bras, under wire bras, strapless bras, colored bras, seamless bras, padded bras, push up bras and so on. But at the moment I have NO bras-not one- that fit well. When did this happen to me? I noticed mid-summer that the bras that I own were either old, too small or too big, but none were just right. So what did I do? I went to my local dept store and bought some new bras. Judging by my old bras I determined that I needed a larger cup size and a larger back size. Seems logical enough right? 

Wrong...I bought 4 new bras in the new size. Of the 4 bras, one of them is passing for a some what comfortable fit, although my cup runneth over..I then went to TJ Maxx figuring I could buy some cheaper bras in all sizes that I thought might fit me and return the ones I didn't need. This was the WORST idea ever, because now I am so confused as to what size I am that seriously considering burning all my bras this weekend.

Frustrated as hell by this I took to the World Wide Web and punched into the Google Search bar, "proper bra sizing". I found a formula that looks something like this:

1. For Band Size: Using a tape measure and wearing a bra without padding measure low on your back at your bras band level lifting it higher as it comes around your body. 
2. For Bust Size: Measure around the fullest part of your chest (at nipple level)
3. Subtract your Band Size (step 1) from your bust size (step 2)

If the difference is:

0, your cup size is AA. 
1, your cup size is A. 
2, your cup size is B. 
3, your cup size is C. 
4, your cup size is D. 
5, your cup size is DD, etc.

I hope this is accurate because it's getting very expensive, and very uncomfortable. 

You Get What You Pay For

I learned my lesson but good this weekend. When it comes to razors, the old adage is true; you get what you pay for.

Frick asked me to get her some razors, so being the stellar mother that I am, I bought her the cheapest, bagged up by three's, pastel colored, piece of shit disposable razors I could find. You know, the kind you would buy because you think that $12-15 dollars is too much to spend on a razor for you teen aged daughter. I figured, what the heck, she's just shaving her legs, and I remember having those razors in my high school gym bag when I was her age.

What I forgot was that when I was her age, we didn't have better disposable razor options like we do today. I was under the impression that a razor is a razor any way you slice your fricken skin when you are shaving. I somehow forgot that razor companies were built on quality so much so that they now own major sports stadiums in cities where 3 time Super Bowl champions play and sexy MVP quarterbacks showcase their superior skills. How could I have forgotten?

You see, Frick is waaay to smart for me. She immediately poo-poohed the cheap razors I bought her and went straight into my bathroom and took my Gillette Venus razor. (a razor so important that it's ad campaign is built around the goddess that is JLo)

I thought, "whatever" and happily took the cheapy, pretty razors up to my shower. No big whoop, I decided, a razor is a razor.

Herin lies my problem. I was DEAD wrong.

Now, shame on me cuz this ain't my first time at the "shaving" rodeo. I've been shaving this body for over 30 years, and yes it hasn't always been a cake walk. Somewhere along the way I must have learned this lesson and I guess that's why I have the Venus razor, but I must have forgot. Armed with my new razors I took to the showers.

First try, I nicked BOTH my arm pits, (and that fricken hurts) and one ankle.

Next day, I re-injured the arm pit scab, and I won't even tell you what other parts of my body now have nicks and cuts. (Holy crap! that hurts)

Ooooh nooooo, I learned my lesson here. Never again will I buy cheap razors to shave my tender, sensitive skin. Never. If it's the last $20 bucks in my wallet, it's going to a quality razor because now I know better. The new dog, Frick, taught the old dog, mom, new tricks, and she was right.

You get what you pay for in the razor department and I've got the nicks and cuts to prove it.