Desperately Dirty Housewives...A Repost

*The following is a Re-Post-originally posted on The Daily Dandy on Friday, March 6th 2009. It was one of my favorites then and still is now.

I have led a sheltered, sheltered life. Now bear with me here for a moment and you will understand what I'm getting at.

I stopped by the local quick-mart yesterday to pick up some milk on my way home. The gas station/mini mart is located on the main thoroughfare, no more than .5 tenths of a mile from my street, smack dab in the middle of two affluent, suburban communities. I stop in there regularly; to get gas and last minute items and the staff and I are on a friendly, first name basis. We always take a few moments to chat about daily events, and often times they will share a story or two about what goes on in the quick-mart. Yesterday the story was focused on the amount of condoms that are sold in this particular store. The owner asserted that of the four mini marts he owns; this particular location, by far, out sells the others in condom purchases. He added that the purchases are made mostly by women-who appear to be just like me, apparently-and by that he meant your ordinary, every day mom.

Another staff member then proceeded to tell me about these same suburban women; the ones buying the condoms, propositioning him for a little discreet, extra-curricular activity,*wink, wink*. Now they had my attention. We then discussed it a little more. They said well dressed men in business suits also make numerous condom purchases and we all marveled over the frequency of this taking place in an affluent community such as ours. Who'd have thought? Interesting. Wealthy, successful business men and their lonely, neglected wives.

On my way home, armed with this new revelation, my mind went directly to a memory of a similar sort. About 5 years ago, I was waiting at home for a service man to come to turn on my irrigation system. This is a twice yearly appointment, and the homeowner must be present in order for the service tech to have access to the pump located in the basement. The company always give you a 3 hour window for the arrival of the tech. My window was from 9am to 12. I jumped into the shower sometime close to 9, and sure enough, I heard the doorbell just as I was getting out of the shower. I quickly threw on my bathrobe and slippers, wrapped a towel around my head, and rushed to the door.

I told the tech he was welcome to come in and go find the pump in the basement on his own, but that I would just need a few moments to get dressed before I could show him. The tech immediately put up his hand, beating a hasty retreat from the door and said, "I'll do what I need to do out here first. When you're dressed you can come and get me and I'll come in." OK, fine. I get dressed and go find the guy and walk him down to the basement to show him where the pump is. He then says to me, "I hope I didn't offend you by being short with you earlier. It's just that I have learned the hard way never to enter into a home when the lady of the house is dressed in a bathrobe."

Really. Forever the journalist, I pressed him for more information.

"You're kidding me, right?" I said.
"I wouldn't kid about that," he replied.
He proceeded to tell me the stories about how more often than not, the robe and the towel quickly drop to floor. He said he could write a book about the propositions he's received over the years and that despite his warnings, some of the younger guys he works with have actually messed up their relationships over their indulgence in this offer of an"afternoon delight". I was speechless.

Let me go on record here as being fully aware that this could take place anywhere in the US of A, and it is certainly not limited to affluent communities. I just need to wrap my brain around the fact that it actually does happen in real life and not just in Hollywood.
I have lived a sheltered life, for sure, because this stuff never ceases to perplex me. The service guy? The UPS man? The plumber? Not to imply that there is anything wrong with any of those professions. I just don't equate an afternoon quickie with my major kitchen appliance being returned to working order.
I just don't get it. And I'm glad I just don't get it.
Herein lies the point-these women "just aren't getting it" so they're getting it when ever and where ever they can, on the sly. The allure of the forbidden fruit.

This is just one woman's opinion is all, and to each his own, whatever floats your boat and every other seemingly appropriate cliche. I just think there needs to be some sort of connection, chemistry or history before engaging in the act. Call me old-fashioned, call me a prude even, all I'm saying is that I just think there are better ways to float that personal boat, if that's what you're looking for.
It certainly gives new meaning to the job title, service man.

This Is It

Ahh, the comment.

It's the fuel to the blogger fire, and the love that keeps our blogger hearts pumping. We write and we wait, needing that tiny confirmation that someone is out there reading our words. The comment is, in short, the crack in our proverbial crack pipe. And once you get one comment hit, you're hooked.

As bloggers:

We need the comment.

We covet the comment.

We have to have the comment.

And when the comment makes you laugh so hard, you nearly choke on your saliva, you know you've just hit blogger nirvana. That's what all this hub bub is about. Giving back to your fellow bloggers, and showing some BIG BLOGGER LOVE.

Welcome to the 2nd Annual Candy's Daily Dandy Comment Content Hall Of Fame.

The Comment Content Comedy Hall of Fame works like this:

1. Post a comment in the comment section of this blog post with only the name of your blogger Hall of Fame nominee and the link to your site where his/her comment is posted. You may nominate more than one blogger for consideration, but their comments had better be knee slapping hilarious!

2. I will retrieve the comments and, depending on the response I get, whittle down the nominees and post the top ten on Monday. The post will be up all weekend; the deadline is 12am Sunday, Nov 22. That should give you plenty of time to come up with the good ones and get the word out. And spread the word people, there is so much talent that needs appreciation out there. Let's show our blogging community we appreciate what they do!

3. If all goes smoothly, on Monday, after I post the top 10 for consideration, I will post a ballot on the Daily Dandy's sidebar and we will ALL choose the winner by voting, with the final results to be announced on Tuesday. So Nominate now and nominate often!!!

I will go first and give you an example from my list of legendary comments:

There are so many to choose from, and since I can only post ten, (and it's MY contest), I feel I have to nominate two, because I just couldn't choose between these gems.

1. I wrote a post titled "Moe, Larry, and Dr. Phil, The Stooges Of The News". I talked about the ridiculous over saturated news programs, specifically Larry King Live, and the controversy surrounding the Kanye West/Taylor Swift debacle. I also expressed my disdain for "psychological expert" Dr. Phil showing up on Larry's show, to give us his take on the "Kanye Gate."

Becks blew me, and (everyone else) away with this comment.....

"I wish Kanye had come out and said:YO DR. PHIL, I DIG YOUR MUSTACHE AND I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT JOYCE BROTHERS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST TV PSYCHOLOGISTS OF ALL TIME!!!!"

2. I wrote a post entitled "Dear Old Aunt Flo". I wrote of my "monthly visitor" as my dear old Aunt, that always seemed to visit on NOT the most timely of occasions.

Gwen one of my blogger favorites said...

"A year or so ago I ran into Aunt Flo's ex-husband, Uncle IUD, and I haven't seen her since. Uncle IUD is a little "stuck-up" but as long as he keeps her far away from me, we're cool."

See how FUNNY!!!! And it's really easy too!

So there you have it, the first two nominations for The Daily Dandy's Comment Content Hall Of Fame.

So let's have a good old laugh this weekend and nominate, nominate, nomintate!!!

Then come back on Monday and we will all vote, vote, vote!!

Show your civic blogger pride.

Hump Day Humor

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever')

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Let's just say this is a public service to the men out there.

Print this list out, fellas and post it where you can see it daily.

Live it, learn it, for it will serve you well, grasshopper.

You can thank me later.

On The Flip Side

There are two sides to every story.
Yesterday I wrote about the horrors that some teens are capable of.
Today I'm sharing the flip side of that story.

Maybe it was fate, karma or whatever you want to call it, but when I got this in my email today, I knew I had to share it with you.

There is a huge rock near a gravel pit on Hwy 25 in rural Iowa. For generations, kids have painted slogans, names, and obscenities on this rock, changing its character many times.

A few months back, the rock received its latest paint job, and since then it has been left completely undisturbed. It's quite an impressive sight. Be sure to scroll down and check out the multiple photos. (all angles) of the rock. I thought the flag was draped over the rock, but it's not. It's actually painted on the rock too.

Here's the artist: Ray ' Bubba ' Sorensen.

Congrats Bubba. You have redeemed my faith in teens.

A Daily Dandy Public Service Announcement

You know we've all had "one of those days" when everything goes from bad to worse. Yesterday was a prime example of one of those days. While I was driving my daughter to and from and all over God's creation, trying to get the kids to their closely scheduled activities on time, I uncharacteristically began complaining about how much my life sucked. Fear not, my little cherub seemed to say, for she had just the answer for her over-stressed mom.

"You need to go to F My Life.com," she said.

"What did you just say?" I responded, in no mood for sass or games.

"It means F-my life. It's a website where people share their stories about how 'f-ed' up their lives are. Some of them are hilarious and really make you feel so much better about your own life," she explained.

I paused for a moment to ponder the reality of my 14 yr old recommending to me, quite matter-of-factly, a website with one of The Seven Dirty Words represented by it's letter in the title. Of course the blogger in me saw this as a great research opportunity and I listened intently as she extolled the virtues of the airing personal rants with the world. I weighed my options; mother teaching opportunity vs. blog fodder. Guess which won?

Then I visited the site www.fmylife.com.

It's not like I don't waste enough time on the internets and this site was no different.

Some examples I encountered that cracked me up while there included:

Today, I was volunteering at a school. There's this really bratty boy there and he was being rude, so I joked, "How are you ever gonna get a girlfriend when you're so mean?" He responds, "I think the better question is how are you ever gonna get a boyfriend when you're so ugly." He's 7. FML
#858893 (26) - 04/07/2009 at 7:34pm by ugly

Today, my girlfriend and I were outside tanning in the sun. I asked her if she could put some sunscreen on my back. Thinking it would be funny, she used the lotion to write "I Love Little Boys". I work as a children's swimming instructor. FML
#864226 (25) - 04/08/2009 at 12:03am by Anonymous

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML
#503348 (302) - 03/21/2009 at 12:46am by Anonymous -

Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. TWICE. FML
#859604 (81) - 04/07/2009 at 8:11pm by Anonymous

Needless to say you need to check this out for yourself and if you are a regular user of FML, let me know if it succeeds in bringing you the satisfaction of laughing at yourself when it's just about all that's left to do. I have to admit to spending more time on the site than I expected, as I could completely relate to having more than a few," f my life moments" myself.

A Daily Dandy Public Service Announcement

It's spring ahead Daylight Saving Time! That special time of the year when the loss of one hour of precious sleep kicks you right in the a**. I've put together a list of helpful tips and things to watch out for to get you through the next few days.

Drag your butt out of bed.

Yes, it's dark when you wake up now. No, the clock's not wrong. You still need to get up for work. The bright side to all of this is that spring is here!

Eat breakfast.

Even though you feel like you could crawl back into bed and sleep for a few more days, eat a proper breakfast to provide fuel for your busy day.

Drive safe today.
Studies have shown that the Monday following the spring Daylight Savings Time change, has seen a 17 percent increase in motor vehicle accidents. Sleep deprivation is the major contributor resulting in the statistical increase. Do your best to be sharp and focused while driving today.

Avoid Cranky people.
Watch out for serious crank pots today. Everyone's snooze button was working overtime this morning, so expect unusual irritability while people re-adjust their bodies bio-rhythms. Not the best time to ask for that raise or an extra vacation you've been longing for. Wait a week or two.

Stay on schedule.
For the first few days of the time change, I find myself looking at the time and thinking to myself, "but it's really an hour earlier". This causes me much confusion and chaos inevitably ensues. Better to stay the course.

Pick the kids up on time.
Now that the time change is in effect, the kids soccer, lacrosse, baseball and softball practices can take place later and at the outdoor facilities. Don't be that mother sitting at the middle school waiting to pick up your child while your child is waiting to be picked up across town at the field. Make sure you get THAT e-mail today.

Limit your caffeine intake.
Thinking thoughts like, " the sun is still out so I can have that extra cup of joe" may work against you. Consuming caffeine later in the day is sure to wreak havoc on your already readjusting sleeping patterns.

Enjoy the extra hour of sunlight.
Fire up the grill! Nothing says spring and summer like the smell of burgers cooking on the gas grill. The best of spring is yet to come.

Get your sleep.
As I said before, stay on schedule. If bedtime rolls aroud 10 pm or later, don't kid yourself into thinking it's really 9 pm or an hour earlier. Stay the course because either way you pay. And when the clock strikes 6am the clock strikes 6am.

It's a harsh reality.

Happy Daylight Saving Time.

Desperately Dirty Housewives

I have led a sheltered, sheltered life. Now bear with me here for a moment and you will understand what I'm getting at.

I stopped by the local quick-mart yesterday to pick up some milk on my way home. The gas station/mini mart is located on the main thoroughfare, no more than .5 tenths of a mile from my street, smack dab in the middle of two affluent, suburban communities. I stop in there regularly; to get gas and last minute items and the staff and I are on a friendly, first name basis. We always take a few moments to chat about daily events, and often times they will share a story or two about what goes on in the quick-mart. Yesterday the story was focused on the amount of condoms that are sold in this particular store. The owner asserted that of the four mini marts he owns; this particular location, by far, out sells the others in condom purchases. He added that the purchases are made mostly by women-who appear to be just like me, apparently-and by that he meant your ordinary, every day mom.

Another staff member then proceeded to tell me about these same suburban women; the ones buying the condoms, propositioning him for a little discreet, extra-curricular activity,*wink, wink*. Now they had my attention. We then discussed it a little more. They said well dressed men in business suits also make numerous condom purchases and we all marveled over the frequency of this taking place in an affluent community such as ours. Who'd have thought? Interesting. Wealthy, successful business men and their lonely, neglected wives.

On my way home, armed with this new revelation, my mind went directly to a memory of a similar sort. About 5 years ago, I was waiting at home for a service man to come to turn on my irrigation system. This is a twice yearly appointment, and the homeowner must be present in order for the service tech to have access to the pump located in the basement. The company always give you a 3 hour window for the arrival of the tech. My window was from 9am to 12. I jumped into the shower sometime close to 9, and sure enough, I heard the doorbell just as I was getting out of the shower. I quickly threw on my bathrobe and slippers, wrapped a towel around my head, and rushed to the door.

I told the tech he was welcome to come in and go find the pump in the basement on his own, but that I would just need a few moments to get dressed before I could show him. The tech immediately put up his hand, beating a hasty retreat from the door and said, "I'll do what I need to do out here first. When you're dressed you can come and get me and I'll come in." OK, fine. I get dressed and go find the guy and walk him down to the basement to show him where the pump is. He then says to me, "I hope I didn't offend you by being short with you earlier. It's just that I have learned the hard way never to enter into a home when the lady of the house is dressed in a bathrobe."

Really. Forever the journalist, I pressed him for more information.

"You're kidding me, right?" I said.
"I wouldn't kid about that," he replied.
He proceeded to tell me the stories about how more often than not, the robe and the towel quickly drop to floor. He said he could write a book about the propositions he's received over the years and that despite his warnings, some of the younger guys he works with have actually messed up their relationships over their indulgence in this offer of an"afternoon delight". I was speechless.

Let me go on record here as being fully aware that this could take place anywhere in the US of A, and it is certianly not limited to affluent communities. I just need to wrap my brain around the fact that it actually does happen in real life and not just in Hollywood.
I have lived a sheltered life, for sure, because this stuff never ceases to perplex me. The service guy? The UPS man? The plumber? Not to imply that there is anything wrong with any of those professions. I just don't equate an afternoon quickie with my major kitchen appliance being returned to working order.
I just don't get it. And I'm glad I just don't get it.
Herein lies the point-these women "just aren't getting it" so they're getting it when ever and where ever they can, on the sly. The allure of the forbidden fruit.

This is just one woman's opinion is all, and to each his own, whatever floats your boat and every other seemingly appropriate cliche. I just think there needs to be some sort of connection, chemistry or history before engaging in the act. Call me old-fashioned, call me a prude even, all I'm saying is that I just think there are better ways to float that personal boat, if that's what you're looking for.
It certianly gives new meaning to the job title, service man.

Gift Concierge Extraordinaire: Dear Gift Bi*ch!

It's all about giving back this time of year. During the holiday gift giving season, wouldn't it be great to have your own personal concierge to help you with those "hard to get" people on your list? Today I offer you my services as your FREE, personal, gift idea bi*ch in the spirit of Christmas.

My specialty, of course, is in the beauty industry, although I am well trained in all matters to do with shopping. Drop me a question in the comment section of this post with your intended gift recipient, their gender, likes and dislikes, and an idea of your price point. No gift is too small(stocking stuffer, gag gift, etc) or too large (diamonds, cars, etc) and no question will go unanswered. Address it to: Dear Gift Bi*ch! and I will get back to you in the comment section of this post immediately with fabulous ideas and locations for you to purchase. I am at your service for the day! Take advantage of my expertise and this FREE service and I promise you won't be disappointed. Let me take the worry out of your gift giving needs this holiday season.

*I totally stole the idea for this post from the Legendary Whiskey Marie. Her Chef Awesome series was intended as a service to the community, not to be confused with the community service performed here as in keeping with the terms of my parole.