Showing posts with label My Issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Issues. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Cleaning Out The IN Box
Uggh...
My desk at work is a clutter of crap! I can't believe I have let it get like this because it is so out of character for me. And I can't even stand it for one more minute. I guess it means I have been busy with other things, but a cluttered desk must mean a cluttered mind and my mind is clear.
Don't you hate it when things pile up on your desk? I have been focusing on the immediate things like everyday stuff that's necessary and INVENTORY! My focus has been to complete inventory before the big events of the weekend, which I almost did-but in the interim everything else landed squarely in a pile on my desk. Now I am back to work and it is looming over my head like a wrecking ball. I can't stand looking at it and I feel like I can't focus on anything else until I clean up that mess. I'm going to dig right in and destroy the clutter like nobody's business. I might even surprise myself.
Because my mind is clear, even if my desk is not.
p.s. This photo is not my desk..if it was-you might find me crumpled up in the fetal position somewhere near there.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
On Love And Loss
It's come my attention lately that I have issues....
I know what you're thinking. Candy? Issues? Yes, (lol) Candy has issues. Shocker, right? Some of these I didn't realize I had until I was put into a situation that triggered a response I didn't feel comfortable with. The issues I talk about have to do with love and loss and I admit to having had my fair share of both. I truly believe you can't have one without the other, so the smart ones calculate risk vs reward when entering into love.
Was I smart? Was I stupid? Looking back I think I was both. But I now know that I got "snookered" by deception. Where was the integrity? I now know there was none. Where was the trust? That went out the door with the lies and the rest remain blurry and fuzzy...like the memories of that love I repress. Truth? Are you kidding me? Truth is for the strong who have the integrity to trust in themselves. As I said before the deception in my life had none of those.
I was lucky though...
I found love again. It restored my faith in truth, integrity and trust and it feels great! But I now know that deception lays in wait for me, lurking in the dark alleys of my soul, ready to pounce when I am most vulnerable. I'm mot afraid though because the love I found is bountiful! This love has restored my faith in myself and this love will never leave me. How do I know? Because this is my love.
I love me more.
And that's the best love of all.
Labels:
Amen,
I Love Candy,
Jerks,
Me,
My Issues,
My Shit,
My Stuff,
Self Esteem,
The Ex Files
Monday, November 19, 2012
The Ten Dollar Difference
She walked away thinking, "Who am I to have been blessed with so much?" Then,"
Why me and not her?" Realistically there was a vast difference between them, but
what was it? Clearly it was more than just ten dollars.
If it is true that people come into your life for a reason, she wanted to know
what the reason was? The woman told her she was her angel. An angel disguised as
a person but she was beginning to think it was the woman who was the angel.
It was a quiet Sunday in November and she found herself with something she
hadn't had in weeks; time. But she wasn't complaining. She was on top of the
world, feeling a high she hadn't felt in years. She was living out her dreams
and watching them come true. And she had the love and support of her family.
She knew they believed in her. That morning was not unusual. She had stopped off
to get some cash at the ATM, then on to the nail salon to pamper herself. The
few extra minutes to the city were worth it because they do the best job. She
almost stopped to do ten other things that morning before the bank, but she
didn't.
She pulled up to the closed bank in her expensive car, a pricey , designer
handbag dangling from her arm. As she took out her ATM card to gain access to
the door a man and his young daughter were exiting. They hurriedly pushed past
her when she immediately heard the bellowing sobs from within.
The woman stood shaking, short of breath, almost hyperventilating, fumbling
with her cell phone, her greasy nails and hands visibly shaking uncontrollably.
"Are you alright?" she asked the woman.
"No," the woman said through heavy sobs. "That machine just ATE my ATM card!"
the woman screeched. "I came here to get ten dollars and that machine ate my
card."
Immediately, she felt a small sense of relief. She put her hand up to the
shaking woman and said,
"Relax honey. It's happened to me before. You can come back tomorrow and get
your card." she said. "Don't worry."
This only made the woman cry harder, as the tears streamed down her slightly
grey complected face and dropped onto her grease stained jacket.
"But that was my last ten dollars." the woman said. "I haven't eaten in three
days and I needed that money to get some food. I can't wait until tomorrow" she
cried.
She knew what was coming next, but she wasn't sure if the overwhelming feeling
of doom was because she knew that the woman was going to ask her for the money
or because she already knew that she was going to give it to her.
"Can you give me ten dollars? I haven't eaten in three days." the woman sobbed.
"I'm having a bad week."
"Why don't you call the bank and see what they can do for you?"she said.
"I already did," the woman replied. "I have to wait until tomorrow. Oh God, I'm
having a bad week. Can you give me ten dollars?"
She stood there, in all of her abundance. The blessings practically dripping
from her body and she quietly wondered why me and not her? She felt like a
little girl doing something she shouldn't. Like when you know your going to get
into trouble with your mother, but she didn't hesitate.
"I'll give you the ten dollars. OK? Now take a deep breath and calm down. It's
going to be alright," she said.
"Oh thank you. You're an angel,"the woman said as she paced back and forth
within the small ATM crucible. "I'm having a really bad week."
She kept repeating, "Take a deep breath." to the woman as she effortlessly took
out ten times the ten dollars so desperately needed . The two then walked across
the street to change the $20.00 bill that the ATM dispensed. "It's going to be
OK," she kept telling the woman, to which the woman kept replying, "I'm just
having a really bad week."
She knew she had to ask, but she felt a bit guilty after she did, "You are going
to buy food with this money, right?" she said. "Not something you shouldn't be
buying."
"Yes. I'm going to Hannaford Farms right now. You are an angel dressed as a
person. Thank you," the woman sobbed.
They then parted ways. She was left to feel the mixed emotions of that exchange.
Why her? Why that morning? And what makes them so different? Aren't we all just
ten dollars away from having a bad week? What was ten dollars to her on that
day? How could she say no, with everything she has been blessed with? It made
her feel sad because she knew that it was a lot more than ten dollars that
separated the two women.
She remained quiet for the next hour or so. Even her regular nail girl
commented, " You're so quiet today. Not your usual self." She had lots to share
about her own life, all the good news that was happening to her right now, but
it wasn't important any more. She just wanted to be quiet.
She didn't tell anyone about it either, because that's not why she did it. She
did it because that woman needed it and she knew she had to help her. She knew
there would be those who would tell her she got fleeced by a con artist, and
taken for a ride. Maybe she did but maybe she didn't. Maybe it was a cautionary
tale for her, but she decided to keep it to herself.
Until right now.
Labels:
Amazing,
Blessings,
Help,
Helping Others,
Me,
My Crap,
My Issues,
Reflective,
Why?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
A Heavy Issue

Now that the major meal-eating-holiday's are over and the time to resolve is fast approaching, I want to talk about weight. I got to thinking about it because I, like everyone, over indulged this weekend, and now I am feeling feeling gross and I'm not loving the mini muffin top that has sprouted over the top of my skinny jeans. Those are the same jeans I'm supposed to feel skinny in, but don't really at the moment.
It's no surprise that losing weight is one of the most common New Year's resolutions, as the weight loss in this country is a big business. For me, this year, the issue a bit different than it has ever been. I have pretty much kept off the thirty pounds I lost two years ago, give or take a five pound fluctuation here and there, and now I'm bored with this last amount of weight I lost. Now I want more, much more. I want my friends to tell me I look like I lost weight and I want to be able to say, "Yes, I did loose weight."
I want to put on my skinny jeans and not be able to wear them because they are too big. I want to go down a whole size, and "live there", and I know exactly what I need to do to get there. Is it attainable? Of course, but I was wondering if I would ever be happy there. The mini muffin-top I speak of, should take me 2-3 weeks to get back under control, then I should be able to shed 10 good pounds in six weeks. But will I be happy at that magic number?
My trainer tells me it's not about a number on a scale, but whether or not your weight affects your overall health, and my BMI is right where it needs to be. So why am I not satisfied with all of this information? Why am I now resolving to loose 10 more pounds?
Because society dictates that women should be thin, and I'm beginning to think that no matter what weight I am, I'm never going to be really satisfied. It should be a victory, that I have kept the weight I lost off for two years, but instead I yearn to impress myself with more. I want to know in my head that I have reached that magic number and that the size jeans I am wearing reflect that. It's a psychological and emotional issue for me, and I think I will never fully understand it.
It's a constant battle.
It's like death and taxes.
And it's always there, in the back of my thin thinking mind.
Labels:
Health,
Losing Weight,
My Crap,
My Issues,
Psychology
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