Father's Day Friday!

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that. 

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY. 

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? 

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal. 

http://www.ahajokes.com/par025.html

Happy Weekend bloggers! And a very happy Father's Day to you and yours from Candy's Daily Dandy!

I Hate It When That Happens

Fred rushes in and announces loudly, 'I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic.  Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a Jaguar doing at least 70 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her mascara.

I looked away for a couple seconds and then the next thing I knew was she was careering all over my lane.

It scared me so badly that I dropped my electric shaver into my coffee, and it spilled all over my mobile phone.

Friday Funny

A Woman writes to the IT Technical Support Guy

RE: INSTALLING HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelry Applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled another valuable program, Romance 9.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and SPORTS 4.1

What can I do?

Reply:-

Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: "ithoughtyoulovedme.html" and try to download
Tears 6.2. Then it will automatically run the applications Jewelry 3.0 and Flowers 3.5

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 3.5 or Beer 6.1.

Also DO NOT disturb the original package of Husband 1.0.... Otherwise new virus Girlfriend 2.5 will automatically be downloaded into your system.

So be careful. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 Program. These are unsupported applications and will Crash Husband 1.0.

We recommend: Cooking 5.0 and Cute Looks 7.7

Good Luck Madam.

Happy Friday bloggers! And try to remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. 

TGIF

It's Friday Bloggers! And that means it's almost the end of a long week for me! Today I thought I would regale you with some fun Friday funnies...

Amen to that brother!

What's the first one again? Oh, yeah, that one...

Adorable...

Did I mention I work weekends?

Did they actually have a kid named Friday? Those crazy Adams..

Off the "cute" charts!

Mmmm hmmmm...Latesha be looking fly!

Bad Decision Juice is always a good decision!

And this one had nothing to do with Friday but I loved it anyway!!

Happy Friday Bloggers! Try and be the ultimate opportunist this weekend!

A Joke For The Graduate

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" 

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." 
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" 

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."


http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/technology-jokes

Friday Funny

My husband and I were sitting at a table at my 20th anniversary school reuinion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a table. My husband asked: "Do you know him?"

"Yes," I sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God." said my husband. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?"

Happy weekend Bloggers! Make sure you stop and celebrate the moment!

A Little Nonsense Now And Then Is Relished By The Best Of Men..

Got some bad news yesterday and I feel like laughter would be the best medicine today...

It's A Good Friday

'

Hey bloggers! This is the end of a crazy, busy week and the start of the Easter holiday weekend.

I searched the interwebs for the best Easter humor I could muster up and I found some great ones! Consider this my little bag of Easter jelly beans to you!!!!

Happy weekend peeps! Have an EGGScelent holiday........

Friday Foolishness

A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. 

The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I’ll spend the night with you, but I’ve got to let you know up front that I’m on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says " That’s OK. I’ll follow you on my Moped. 



Happy Friday bloggers! Be nice to the losers...someday they might be your boss.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/bornloserjokes.html

Friday Funny

Oooops....

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. 
The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants.
 "Well," he says, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" 

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes/2

The Happiest Place On Friday

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she replied "It had to be at least 8 characters long."

Happy weekend Bloggers!!

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/agoraphobia-discussions/lounge/887043-tgif-jokes-and-quotes

Fire Is Good

There were three guys, a sex addict, a weed addict, and an alcoholic. 

They all went to hell for their sin and found themselves standing in front of the Devil. The Devil decided to make a deal with them saying,

"I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth." 

So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed. 

1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying "Aww my dick hurts I'm never having sex again", poof he goes back to earth.  

He then open the alcoholic room and the alcoholic says "Im never having beer", and gets sent back to Earth. 

Then the Devil opens the weed addict's room and the weed addict punches the Devil right in the face!

He looks at the Devil and says,

"You forgot my lighter bitch! 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/marijuanajokes.html

Cheeky Children

Talking Turkey

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey sandwiches every day! 

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating turkey, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said. 
'Okay' and she showed him. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more turkey.'

He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought a peanut butter sandwich instead. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating turkey sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her:

She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and Giblets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blondie P.I.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions: 

Officer: What's 2 + 2? 
Blonde: Ummm... 4! 
Officer: What's the square root of 100? 
Blonde: Ummm... 10! 
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? 
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno. 
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. 

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. 
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"



http://www.jokesoftheday.net/

Dumb Blonde?

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. 

She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" 

As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. 

Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/blonde-jokes/9

Working Girl

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

 The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!" 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/shortdirtyjokes.html

Blonde Delay

There are three moms. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde. 

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed." 

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"


http://kickasshumor.com/funny-joke/2966/there-are-three-moms-a-brunette-a-redhead-and-a

Candy's Weekly Wank

"You've just had your twelfth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?"

"Phil"

"But you named the last eleven Phil"

"Yeah its great. I say, "Phil go clean the room", they all go clean their room. I say, "Phil come for dinner", they all come for dinner."

"But what if you only want one of them?"

"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."