Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Who Lobbied For Murphy To Pass His Law?

Get a load of this one...

So yesterday was day three and counting of no power. My mom and I decide to get a hotel room so the children could have a hot shower before the first day of school today. A hot shower for myself wouldn't have been a bad idea because the shower I took yesterday was so COLD that it gave me a headache. Anyway, My Guy and My Dad stay at home (because we have 3 dogs) and we pack up everything, have dinner and settle in to the hotel room with the TV on. I have never been so happy to watch a re-run of NCIS, I tell ya.

I turn out the lights and I'm just about to fall asleep in my air conditioned room, when My Guy texts me. I know what it's gonna say, because he went to bed almost an hour earlier. "The power is on", the text says. I chuckle to myself and think if we hadn't got the hotel room, we wouldn't have got the power back. That's just how that Murphy's Law thing works, doesn't it? I call him and he tells me that the power surge woke him up and that it took him a good 20 minutes to shut everything off because every single light in the house was on. Great. No really, I'm so happy, but I tell him we are staying put and we will enjoy the hotel for the night. Why not? We drift off to sleep. Or so I think.

Frack is tossing and turning and Frick is sniffling. Loud.
12:30 AM, Frack wakes me to tell me he can't sleep. Being the caring and understanding mother that I am, I respond with,

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Nothing," he says. Poor Kid.

It's now about 2:00 AM I think and I see Frick's waif-y little silhouette sitting in the arm chair next to my bed. After blinking so hard that I practically break my cornea, I ask her what the HELL she is doing?

"Nina (her grandmother) is snoring and I can't sleep," she responds.

I already know this because the snoring was keeping my slumber at bay also.

"Go back to bed," I say, and she does.

Miraculously we make it through the rest of the night without much disturbance. Save for the snoring....and the alarm goes off at 5:30 AM. We snooze it a few times and Frack rises for his shower.

"Mom, there's no hot water."
Frack is now standing in front of me with a towel wrapped around his waist. If this is a joke, it's a bad one and I look at him with that WTF face you make when you are half asleep at 5:30 in the morning.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes mom. There's a snow flake on one side of the shower knob and a sun on the other side and the water is cold on the sun side," he says.

Oh yes, I get out of bed and guess what? He had the knob on the wrong season. Problem solved. Hot water flows. Except now I'm WIDE AWAKE.

Frick gets up and starts banging on the door. "Frack, I gotta pee. Let me in!!!" "
"No way, I'm naked," he says.

About 20 more minutes of them fighting over this and that and sure enough, they wake my mom. She starts screaming at them to grow up and stop it, and I'm so grateful when they leave at 6:30 AM. My mom and I start to relax again and we are talking about where we are going to have breakfast when the hotel FIRE ALARM goes off, loud and screeching.

Over the loud beeping we hear, "Attention guests. We have been notified of an emergency. Please exit the building immediately."

Are you kidding me? It's 6:40 AM and we gotta leave the hotel. I look at my mother and tell her to get up and get dressed cuz we are getting the HELL OUTTA HERE and I start throwing everything into a suitcase. Lord, I'm not even sure I got everything from the room, but I didn't care. I think I left black skid marks as I was speeding past the multiple fire trucks and hotel guests outside the building, but I didn't look back.

All I know is that I took an hour long shower this morning and turned on almost every electrical device I could find.

And I'm grateful that I could, dont' get me wrong.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I'm Powerless

I woke up Sunday morning thinking this whole storm was a bust.

I didn't see any serious weather outside my window, really.

Anything that looked treacherous. "What a bust!" I announced and sort of chuckled at myself and the weathermen who were documenting every second of Hurricane Irene.

That was three days ago and I should have known better because I have been without power for three days since.

I have to be grateful, really. No one is hurt. Everyone is ok, we have food and we have money to buy food and each other to keep company. Half of the town I live in has power and half does not. My little store has power and Internet today and I'm back to work.


I've never experienced this for this long before. If you'll indulge my selfish whims for a moment:

Things I'm freaking out over:

  • No TV. You know I'm having withdrawal. Three days and counting.

  • Cold showers. Are you kidding me? No, just no.

  • No Air Conditioning. No Internet. And did I mention NO TV?

  • It's fine during the day, but when the lights go out all bets are off. Candlelight begins to become less romantic.

  • We have a generator, but it's keeping some food cold in the garage refrigerator and our sump pump working in the basement. We plugged in phone chargers and a lamp but nothing major. I'm actually JEALOUS of my friends who have power.

  • I feel completely discombobulated and disconnected from my life. You begin to question how dependent we are on the modern conveniences of electricity. If this is a test I FAILED.

I'm off tonite to a hotel. Screw this.

Last I heard, power will be restored by Saturday.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Friday Freak Show

Hey Bloggers! It's Freaky Friday over here at The Daily Dandy and not just because today's parade of WalMart Crazzees are extra Freaky! No it's a freaky weather watch for these here parts, and it's wreaking havoc with my anniversary weekend.

In any case, today's edition of the Friday Freak Show makes me wonder, "What the hell is wrong with these people?"

Feast your eyes on these:

Do you think Trixie here is a working girl trying to save a buck shopping at WalMart? Or is she just working?

I can see no other reason for her to be giving out free know what I'm saying?

Hee hee...I just can't help but think closet freaky man here is kinda cute. I'm sorry. There no doubt he's living out some secret, deviant fantasy with this outfit. Judging from the tan lines on his knees, I would guess that he spends most of his days wearing board shorts trying to convince the free world that he is a normal hetero-sexual.

This is just too REDONK for words. I keep trying, but I have none. What?

This is just too cool. gotta get off the pipe. This sh*t is chronic, and I don't know whether to feel bad for her or to smack her upside her head. And don't even tell me sister is gonna get in that vehicle and drive....

Oh, no she didn't...

For the love of God, these jeans should have been tossed YEARS ago. Hell, they are right on target for complete and total disintegration in the year 2013.


No. Just no.

Oh God, this woman should be arrested for child endangerment. You teach your children this crap and you put them in danger of getting the pulp beaten out of them by haters. ESPECIALLY if they live in middle America.

Really? What is wrong with these people?

Happy Friday Bloggers. Have a wonderful weekend and stay out of any local WalMarts.

If only for your sanity.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

OMG You Guys!

Sometimes the best laid plans aren't laid at all.

They are spur of the moment decisions that can end up really good or really bad. Yesterday my spur of the moment decision was one of the best I have made in a long time.

Let me rewind a bit and say that Frick, a true thespian at heart, (not lesbian) has been obsessed with Legally Blonde, The Musical ever since it hit Broadway a few years ago. "Her dream role", Frick has seen Legally Blonde, The Musical once in Boston and thousands of times on YouTube thanks to MTV. She, like every other 17 year old theater geek, can sing and recite the ENTIRE show. Let's just say that the character of Elle Woods gets a lot of face time in Frick's bathroom mirror. We had heard back in June, that Legally Blonde was coming to the Ogunquit Playhouse in Maine at the end of August. Since Ogunquit is a mere 10 mins away from our beloved summer spot, York Beach, we though taking the trip there would be a piece of cake and sort of filed it under "Z" in our minds.

Well yesterday the "Z" file popped up and we searched the internet for the show only to find that it was indeed, opening night last night. With the summer winding down, the back to school countdown at the single digits now, and Frick having to work her hostess job for the rest of the week, we made the snap decision to drive the hour and a half to Ogunquit to watch the show. Frick, myself and My Nephew made the drive after work, stopped for pizza and saw an AMAZING show, then turned around and came home in the wee hours of the morning.

It was awesome. Not only did we see a professional production of the show, with an original Broadway cast member, but seated a mere 10 rows in front of us was former President of the United States, George H. W. Bush and his wife Barbara. That was the cherry on top of a great evening. It was a historic moment, being in close proximity to a surviving American President, and I needed to remind the uninterested kids about the little slice of history they were sitting near. He has lost a step, for sure, in a wheelchair and he looks a bit older, but he still had his magnetic smile and was appreciative of the audience's applause and standing ovation acknowledgement.

Frick regaled us on the ride home with her spontaneous renditions of the music from the show and I haven't seen her so happy in a long time. Time well spent, I would say and all done in the flash of an instant. It's the memories will live forever.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

And So It Begins...

So, as most of you already know, Frick is going to be a senior when school starts next week. A joyous time in one's resume of life. Or so it should be, but what we are learning fast is that the next few moths will be from hell.

You see, Frick has to start the college application process and it ain't going to be a cake walk. Now a days the process is so arduous and long that it has left us both feeling like Mr. Blutarsky up there. There is so much to this whole college thing and then Frick's circumstances become even more time consuming because she is applying to be a theater major. That means that not only does she have to apply to each school, she also has to audition for each school.

Can you say Valium?

If that's not bad enough, there are the standardized tests. For you laymen, that is what is commonly known as the SAT and now-a-days the ACT. You can send either one score or the other, possibly both, or your best score of the two. Then there's the tutors. Frick is now on her second round of SAT tutoring, because the first round, (which cost over 2 GRAND) didn't go so well. Highway robbery. Of course there's a separate tutor for the ACT test and a college coach to aid you with the application process. This all spells out $$MONEY$$ and we aren't even talking tuition yet.

But I want to give my daughter every opportunity to achieve her dreams, and if I can do so then I consider it my responsibility. I worry that both her and my expectations are high and that disappointment could follow. Lucky for us, we are both optimistic and capable and whatever will be, will be. It will not be from lack of effort. You see Frick is an excellent student with an excellent work ethic and I would not be putting all of us through this if she wasn't the type of kid that will do well and be able to handle it.

So yeah, I'm working today to help my baby girl get everything she need to BEGIN the process, and yeah, I took the day off.

Is it five o'clock yet? I've got a glass of wine with my name written all over it.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Daily Dribble

Hey Bloogers! How was the weekend??? Today's dribble is brought to you by my messed up mind and all it's workings. It's just a sampling of the mindless crap that was running through my mind today.

  • I watched "Face The Nation" yesterday for the first time, ever. Not light and airy programming, but compelling nonetheless. The back and forth of partisan politics was almost amusing, although I can't say I didn't learn something and that my time was not well spent.

  • My Tommy and his bride Giselle were just voted the richest couple by Forbes Magazine at $76 million a year. Really? Do these two have it all or what? They beat out Beyonce and Jay-z who came in second at $72 million. Dang, If you told me that My Tommy shits unicorns and rainbows I might just believe you. He better sprinkle some of that magic dust onto the fields of Gillete Stadium and bring us home the hardware this season.....Bit*h.

  • I went to my girlfriend's fab house on Sat nite. We had the most fantastic dinner on their roof top overlooking the city of Boston. She served so much good food; steamed lobsters, Caprese salad with 3 different tomatoes and other wonderful cuisine. Her dessert would have put old Martha Stewart herself to shame. Picture this: simple and delicious orange bread, smothered in whole blueberries (not crushed), served with a blueberry sauce, if you so chose. I sat with 5 of my best friends that night and just enjoyed life.

  • I will have been married one full year next Sunday. Time sure flies when you are having fun and I'm loving it.

  • Even though the end of August is fast approaching, I'm not going to panic. There is still plenty more of it and I intend to stop and enjoy what's left of the heat of summer. September is a great month in New England too. I can't even look at the fall fashions in the stores right now. It just doesn't seem right. It's like they retailers are pushing the end of the season for their gain. Well I'm not having any of it. None.

Have a great Monday bloggers and keep summer in your heart.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Flashback Friday

Hey Bloggers! Happy Friday. I'm dedicating this post to my blogger buddies Beckeye and Dr Kenneth Noisewater, Heff and Bama Trav and all you other music aficionado's.

Me? I suck at music, but a song came on the radio the other day that brought me back to a wonderful time in my life. The Monkees were a TV phenom boy band back in the day and I used to watch them with stars in my eyes. The beloved band, The Monkees, were comprised of heart throbs and awkward hippy teens who cranked out a groovy sound for a comedy TV show aimed at teens. I was their target demographic and I took the bait hook, line and sinker.

Funny, the group endured all kinds of criticism because the band was formed around a TV show. Some say they lacked the strengths of a band that had been jammin together for a while and dubbed them a fraud. But you can't deny the songs they produced that still stand today.

So I chose three of my Monkees favorites and lets vote on the quintessential song that represent them. I'll tell you later which one is my favorite.

Have a Pleasant Valley Weekend Bloggers.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Oblivious In The Bloggersphere

So it's turning out to be a Porn kinda week over here at The Daily Dandy, and if you read on you'll get what I mean.

One of us screwed up real bad. I'm talking about Boston based Barstool Sports blogger who got himself into quite a bru-ha-ha over something he posted on El Presidente, aka David Portnoy, last week posted and commented on pictures of My Tommy's 2 year old son, Benjamin, frolicking naked on the beach while on vacation in Costa Rica with his mom Giselle. The photos were of a naked Baby Ben's "privates" and his comments, considered both controversial and inappropriate, set off a firestorm that went from bad to worse for El Presidente and Barstool Sports.

Portnoy, who at first refused to remove the pictures because of complaints, argued that the pictures were all over the Internet and that he was just posting what was already out there. And that's exactly when his carefully constructed house of cards began to fall. "Babygate" as it has been dubbed, caused the fall out to start almost immediately. Portnoy, a regular contributor to WEEI's Dennis and Callahan radio sports show, was immediately banned from the radio station. WEEI's Vice President of programming, Jason Woolfe tweeted in response to caller's complaints:

“No we will not have portnoy on again. What he did was completely irresponsible. It’s not about whether he was allowed to do it or not. It’s about common decency. And he showed none.”

Then the Massachusetts State Police, under the direction of AG Martha Coakley's office, showed up at the door of his home and requested that he remove the pics from his site. According to Portnoy, he was told that it would be in his best interest to remove the pictures so that the complaints would stop deterring them from getting back to their real police work.

But the biggest blow of all came from none other than The King of All Media, Shock Jock Howard Stern who invited Portnoy to his radio show yesterday morning to discuss "Babygate". In Portnoy's own words,"an ironic twist of fate", Stern told Portnoy he had crossed the line.

"I have three daughters and I gotta tell you, Dave, I would never post a picture of a child and comment on their genitals, and I’m known for outrageous commentary,” Stern said on his syndicated Sirius XM radio show.

Stern also added:

“People said, ‘You must take this down, it’s kiddie porn,’ and I saw the picture and quite frankly, I do think it’s kiddie porn,” he said. “I don’t think you can put up a picture of a 2-year-old nude.”

Portnoy told the Boston Herald that he thought Stern would be in his corner and ridicule the mainstream media for their reaction, but was subjected to the exact opposite. Although he told Stern he was torn over removing the pics and felt like a "sell out", Pornoy still maintains he was within his rights to post the pictures, but admittedly was unprepared to wage this battle.

For me, I think that Portnoy made a common error that of us some bloggers make and that within the confines of our little domain, we rule all. Or so we think.

Do I think that Portnoy is a "kiddie pornographer"? Hell no.
Do I think that a bad joke turned super bad. Hell Yes.
Did Portnoy think something was funny when it really wasn't? Oh yes.

While The Daily Dandy has not the following nor the revenues that Barstool Sports has, the commitment is nonetheless similar. Heck, over here at Candy's Daily Dandy I am the Queen, and what I say goes.

I think that Portnoy's problem's stem from an over-inflated feeling of self importance within the Barstool Sports world. He forgot the golden rule. It's the first rule I learned in graduate school. "Journalists", if that's what we choose to call ourselves, must report responsibly or face the consequences. Period.

What do you think?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Shoe Porn

It's been a well documented fact over here at The Daily Dandy, that Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry. Let's face it folks, 90% of men have viewed porn and the other 10% are liars. We also know that women enjoy viewing porn from time, and some more than others. For me, I see porn as a more personal and recreational tool, quite effective when used occasionally and properly.

In keeping with yesterday's pornographic/retail theme, I present to you some of the greatest Shoe Porn I have ever seen. These dazzling and gorgeous "works of art" are the brain child of Kobi Levi, an Israeli shoe designer.

Consider it my random act of kindness for the day, ladies. Go ahead and be as loud as you want.
Your welcome.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Retail Therapy Is Underrated

I have a confession to make.

I've been on a retail BENDER lately and I feel good. It's just that I'm just not so sure my bank account agrees with me. It all started innocently enough.

A small luxury item like the $ungla$$es pictured above. Just the right amount of cache to make me look and feel good.

Then, someone complimented me on my new small luxury item and asked me where I bought them. I start thinking I am all smart for finding said item and start thinking about my next conquest. Surely that gorgeous handbag or blingy bracelet I've been eyeing couldn't set me back that much. Could it? The desire to own them washes over my entire body.

I decide to cut off that voice in my head and go for it! The adrenaline pumping through my veins produces happy endorphins and my enthusiasm is contagious. Now I'm beginning to believe I am an invincible shopper. Screw it! I'll just take it back later, I reason, and my credit card has the skid marks to prove it.

My family? My girlfriends? They all convince me that I deserve it. Yes, they whisper in my ear,"you work so hard all week long. Put all that hard work to use." That $uede jacket will be perfect for fall, but if I don't buy it now it will be gone. And I must have these $hoes to go with the new jeans and that expen$sive belt I bought, which I reasoned would be the only belt I'll ever need. YES! A new fragrance. YES! A scarf and a great top! Oh, YES, this is the good life. The bags keep mounting, and my heart is racing to keeping pace with my euphoria. Oh YES! YES! This is it! I can't carry even one more, overflowing with purchases, bag.

I'm on top of the world as I dash out to the car. I put the bags in the trunk and start home.

My breathing steadies.

I am contented and peaceful. The ride home is slow and relaxing, playing out the successful events in my head. I pull into the driveway and go into the house.

Yes. Life is good.

I still have to pay for it. But for now, it was all worth it.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Back In Business

It's good to be back. As much as it's good to go, it's also wonderful to be back in business. I always need a day to come back to earth after a vacation of too much drinking, relaxing, eating and fun and today will be no exception. I did some boating, had breakfast on Martha's Vineyard, ate some fried clams and snuck in some much needed beach time. And now it's over and it's time to get back in business.

I want to give a BIG BIRTHDAY blogger shout out to my girl Frack who will turn 17 tomorrow. Where did the time go? I can hardly believe it. Not a baby anymore, but not quite an adult either and already 17. WOW.

How was your week bloggers? Did you miss me? Did you enjoy the summer weather? I certainly missed all of you.

It's back to business over here at The Daily Dandy. Have a great weekend.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Gone To The Beach

Ahhhh, it's my turn bloggers. I'm taking off and I'm going to the beach. I'm ready for some R&R and I intend to take full advantage of it and be LAZY. Whoo hoo! I can't wait.

I will be returning to the bloggersphere on Friday, August 12th. I prefer to leave the location a secret, but lets just say that I won't be attending any Happy Hours, or crashing on the dirty floor of some summer rental. I'm too old for that crap. But maybe I'll see Adam Sandler. Word has it he's been enjoying the beach too. I'll keep you posted.

I was always lousy at keeping a secret.

Have a great week bloggers, and enjoy!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, in a world not too long ago, a wife's job was to serve her man....
Oh, how the times have changed. The wives and mother's of today have redefined their roles and our fore-mothers fought valiantly for our equality.

Thank you, Gloria Steinem? The woman suffragettes?

These are so REDONK that I had to share them with you.

Ya, millions of housewives today are still taking pep vitamins to get through the day, "cuter". But they are no longer called "pep" vitamins, they are called "perks".

Hmmmm, "for sale by all Druggists".....That hasn't really changed much either.

Ok, so this one gets me crazy. Notice it's a woman's hand with the beer opener? Is she drinking the beer herself? I think not. Again, I'm thinking all the beer cans will open this easy so that a woman can serve her man and his obnoxious buddies....

Are you f-ing kidding me?

See? Our mothers did it and we turned out 1 in 13 alcoholics.

I'm digging this whole James Bond Vibe, but really? And they went with this ad? Don Draper should be fired and the guy here should be kicked in the balls. Just sayin....

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Farmer And The Blonde

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to change her hair so she would look like a brunette.

With her brown hair, one day she went for a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed,


The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

joke provided by

Monday, August 1, 2011

When The Happy Was In Happy Hour

I graduated high school in the early eighties. Life, back then was a little bit easier, a little bit safer and a hell of a lot more fun than the way things are today. Summer vacation meant weekends on Cape Cod, with your friends and most definitely Happy Hour.

Happy Hour on Cape Cod seems like another life time ago, but I made some of my greatest memories of young adulthood there. It was legendary. We would team up and hop into someones car, drive the hour and a half ride to the Cape and land directly on the beach. The days were spent working on our tans, flirting with cute boys and laying in wait for the main event, Happy Hour.

Back then, there were lots of places serving 25 cent beers and deals for fruity cocktails, just perfect for a young crowd with little money and a fake ID. Happy Hour was the place to be if you wanted to enjoy the cheap booze and cute boys/girls. Headquarters for us was the legendary Pufferbellies or The Mill Hill Club, where the lines to get in would snake around the building. More often than not we would go straight from the beach, bathing suits still wet from the ocean and wait in line to enjoy Happy Hour.

Gordy Milne, DJ Gary Titus and Jim Plunkett were the genius' armed with a cadre of dirty sing along songs to entertain and drinking contests with prizes. But the real prize was the experience, the culture of Happy Hour and the memories we made. More often than not, after hours of Happy Hour, we had no place to stay overnight, so we would either crash in our cars or crash on the floor of someones weekend rental that you didn't know. Then get up the next day and do it all over again. The Jersey Shore cast has nothing on Happy Hour, as we invented the good old, drunken summer rite of passage.

Now there is a documentary being made about those days of glory called "The Kings Of Cape Cod", and this trailer takes me back to a wonderful time of youthful abandon. Some of my close high school friends met inside the walls of the huge warehouse turned night club, Pufferbellies, and are now 20 years happily married with teens of their own. Would they want their teens doing what we did back then? Most certainly not, but they still share the stories with them about a time when things were different.

And when being a 19 year old, spending the summer drinking on Cape Cod was considered a normal rite of passage. Oh, Happy Hour.....where have you gone?