I Hate It When That Happens

Fred rushes in and announces loudly, 'I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic.  Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a Jaguar doing at least 70 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her mascara.

I looked away for a couple seconds and then the next thing I knew was she was careering all over my lane.

It scared me so badly that I dropped my electric shaver into my coffee, and it spilled all over my mobile phone.

Happy New Year!!

 

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. 

Lots of love,

Candy

Witty Wednesday

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself  and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been  waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good,  and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,  things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club  and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.  There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's  old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating .  The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending  end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences  and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and  whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were  dying of  cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS!  Why did you do that?' 'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping  with your father after I'm gone.'

Ballsy Elephant

What do you do with an elephant with that has 3 balls?


Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

A Joke For The Graduate

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" 

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." 
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" 

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."


http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/technology-jokes

True Love?

Oooops....

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. 
The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants.
 "Well," he says, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" 

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes/2

The Happiest Place On Friday

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she replied "It had to be at least 8 characters long."

Happy weekend Bloggers!!

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/agoraphobia-discussions/lounge/887043-tgif-jokes-and-quotes

Cheeky Children

Blondie P.I.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions: 

Officer: What's 2 + 2? 
Blonde: Ummm... 4! 
Officer: What's the square root of 100? 
Blonde: Ummm... 10! 
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? 
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno. 
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. 

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. 
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"



http://www.jokesoftheday.net/

Overheard at Fenway Paahk Last Night.....

Sorry for the f-bomb. 

Monday Morning Joke

Two guys are out enjoying a beautiful day of golf.

One guy steps up to the tee box and sets up to take his shot. Just as he's about to swing through, a funeral precession drives by. The man stops and waits for the precession to go by and even bows his head in respect as the procession drives through.

The other guy looks to his friend and says, "Wow, that was amazing that you just did that. That was just about the classiest thing I have ever seen on a golf course."

His friend says, "Yeah, it was the least that I could do. After all, I was married to her for thirty five years."

Little Lord Fauntleroy

Its been a royally crappy week bloggers, so I am ready for the weekend. 

This time it's Frack and believe me when I say that boy is pushing every button! Nothing I can't handle, but I forgot about this stage. I often wonder how the hell I made it through Frick?  Here's some humor to kick off the weekend and pray for me bloggers!  I need all the patience and grace I can get.

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=1120

Monday Morning Blues

Post mini vacation and this is me.

I suck today.

Just no good. But it's back to the grind anyway because life waits for no man.
So I decided that a joke today should liven things up....of course, this is NSFW, so keep the volume low.

Now that was funny~ Happy Monday bloggers!!