What Would Carrie Do?

Let's take a different angle on all this Covid-19 perspective today. While watching my favorite go-to on TV, I decided to think about what this apocalyptic world would look like for the girls from Sex and the City. How would they handle this Social Distancing when their entire existence is centered around Sex...in the city? And just like that, I had my blog post.

I'm going to start with Miranda.

She's the sometimes angry corporate lawyer who is a cynical spit fire with a soft side. Steve, her husband and Brady, her son complete her world. But what about Miranda pre-marriage? I wondered what would this NYC lock down look like for her?

Miranda, I think, would be spending her quarantine days at her well appointed dining room table covered with legal briefs, zoom conferencing with her partners and clients. She'd be calling Carrie, after a long day of work and possibly meeting her for a clandestine walk, six feet apart, down the deserted streets of New York. While all of her possible suitors would be contacting her for booty calls, something tells me that Miranda would cautiously selective, or practicing abstinence for the good of all.

Then there's Charlotte

She is the gorgeous WASP with the Cinderella complex. Charlotte did get her fairy tale ending when she fell in love with her divorce lawyer Harry and had two beautiful little girls; one adopted and one conceived after a struggle with infertility. But what would Charlotte be like pre-fairy tale? Charlotte never gave up on the prospect of true love so what would she do if her all important search was suddenly put on pause?

Charlotte, I think, would spend her days, since her gallery is closed, cleaning out her closet of her Lilly Pulitzer and matching headbands, organizing her designer purses, by color, and watching romantic old movies on TV. Charlotte would not be meeting up with the ladies for a 6 foot walk. No, Charlotte and her Rabbit would be spending quiet nights home  alone.

The one and only Samantha

She is a true original. Samantha the sex-obsessed, brash and straight forward successful PR agent, moved out to the West Coast with her love Smith. She then moved back to the city because she "loved herself more" and we could all use a little more of that in our lives. Samantha was never one to shy away from confrontation, so what would a little self-isolation do to Samantha's never satiated sex drive?

Samantha, I think, would not take this Covid-19 crisis lying down, or maybe she would? Literally. Samantha would be forced to keep her sex line up to a select few. Preferably the ones with a house in the Hamptons and the ones she deemed "clean", because there is no way Samantha would stop having sex. With the prospect of no premiers, restaurants and parties to dress fabulously for, Samantha would be breaking the rules and having safe sex parties in her fabulous apartment in the meat packing district. And that handsome stranger she met while picking up her takeout? Oh Samantha, she may not be able to abstain. " Honey, it's all about the phermones We are all just reacting to each other's smell."

And our girl Carrie

She is our protagonist. Her nervous and self-deprecating personality belies her true intelligence. She is the supremely insightful author of her newspaper column "Sex and The City", and fiercely loyal to her girlfriends.  Carrie finally got her man, and she and John Preston, aka "Big" made it legal. But pre-wedding days, I found myself wondering what a self-quarantine would look like for Carrie?

Since sex is her business, I think Carrie would be spending her days Face-timing her friends and sources looking for leads and delving into what happens when sex is not an option. Then she would be spinning the tale of what Sex in The City looks like without the prospect of sex and the city.

She would be publishing her column daily, and since she was still working, she would definitely be shopping online. A lot. Sales on couture and sales on shoes all with free shipping, Carrie might find herself in a financial frenzy. After long days of writing and scouring unique sex stories, she might possibly invite the girls over to defy the shelter-in-place order to eat take-out and drink cosmos around her circular coffee table at least six feet apart. As for sex, I'm quite confident that during this unusual time in the history of our world, Carrie would be comfortable being an observer, chronicling the trials and tribulations of being a single in the new social-distancing age.

One thing is for sure, with all this uncertainty out there today it's unnerving to have to consider whether having single sex today is safe. Better we tune into our girls from Sex and The City to contemplate the meaning of our sex lives in this new normal.

While the world we live in has changed dramatically, I couldn't help but wonder, "What would Carrie do?"

Desperately Dirty Housewives...A Repost

*The following is a Re-Post-originally posted on The Daily Dandy on Friday, March 6th 2009. It was one of my favorites then and still is now.

I have led a sheltered, sheltered life. Now bear with me here for a moment and you will understand what I'm getting at.

I stopped by the local quick-mart yesterday to pick up some milk on my way home. The gas station/mini mart is located on the main thoroughfare, no more than .5 tenths of a mile from my street, smack dab in the middle of two affluent, suburban communities. I stop in there regularly; to get gas and last minute items and the staff and I are on a friendly, first name basis. We always take a few moments to chat about daily events, and often times they will share a story or two about what goes on in the quick-mart. Yesterday the story was focused on the amount of condoms that are sold in this particular store. The owner asserted that of the four mini marts he owns; this particular location, by far, out sells the others in condom purchases. He added that the purchases are made mostly by women-who appear to be just like me, apparently-and by that he meant your ordinary, every day mom.

Another staff member then proceeded to tell me about these same suburban women; the ones buying the condoms, propositioning him for a little discreet, extra-curricular activity,*wink, wink*. Now they had my attention. We then discussed it a little more. They said well dressed men in business suits also make numerous condom purchases and we all marveled over the frequency of this taking place in an affluent community such as ours. Who'd have thought? Interesting. Wealthy, successful business men and their lonely, neglected wives.

On my way home, armed with this new revelation, my mind went directly to a memory of a similar sort. About 5 years ago, I was waiting at home for a service man to come to turn on my irrigation system. This is a twice yearly appointment, and the homeowner must be present in order for the service tech to have access to the pump located in the basement. The company always give you a 3 hour window for the arrival of the tech. My window was from 9am to 12. I jumped into the shower sometime close to 9, and sure enough, I heard the doorbell just as I was getting out of the shower. I quickly threw on my bathrobe and slippers, wrapped a towel around my head, and rushed to the door.

I told the tech he was welcome to come in and go find the pump in the basement on his own, but that I would just need a few moments to get dressed before I could show him. The tech immediately put up his hand, beating a hasty retreat from the door and said, "I'll do what I need to do out here first. When you're dressed you can come and get me and I'll come in." OK, fine. I get dressed and go find the guy and walk him down to the basement to show him where the pump is. He then says to me, "I hope I didn't offend you by being short with you earlier. It's just that I have learned the hard way never to enter into a home when the lady of the house is dressed in a bathrobe."

Really. Forever the journalist, I pressed him for more information.

"You're kidding me, right?" I said.
"I wouldn't kid about that," he replied.
He proceeded to tell me the stories about how more often than not, the robe and the towel quickly drop to floor. He said he could write a book about the propositions he's received over the years and that despite his warnings, some of the younger guys he works with have actually messed up their relationships over their indulgence in this offer of an"afternoon delight". I was speechless.

Let me go on record here as being fully aware that this could take place anywhere in the US of A, and it is certainly not limited to affluent communities. I just need to wrap my brain around the fact that it actually does happen in real life and not just in Hollywood.
I have lived a sheltered life, for sure, because this stuff never ceases to perplex me. The service guy? The UPS man? The plumber? Not to imply that there is anything wrong with any of those professions. I just don't equate an afternoon quickie with my major kitchen appliance being returned to working order.
I just don't get it. And I'm glad I just don't get it.
Herein lies the point-these women "just aren't getting it" so they're getting it when ever and where ever they can, on the sly. The allure of the forbidden fruit.

This is just one woman's opinion is all, and to each his own, whatever floats your boat and every other seemingly appropriate cliche. I just think there needs to be some sort of connection, chemistry or history before engaging in the act. Call me old-fashioned, call me a prude even, all I'm saying is that I just think there are better ways to float that personal boat, if that's what you're looking for.
It certainly gives new meaning to the job title, service man.

Where Is Waldo?

So it took me a minute, but "Where is Waldo?" in these pics?

Especially since the Pap's usually splash pics of the women violators all over the press. Proof that wardrobe malfunctions are a unisex phenomenon. 

No wonder Don Draper is such a Mad Man...

This can't be good for the old sperm count.
 Last time I heard his fiance, Jennifer Aniston's clock was ticking.

This one of Becks is blatant....so sue me.

Lets Talk About Oral Sex

What's ironic about Michael Douglas' announcement yesterday that he contracted throat cancer from oral sex is that I had just watched, on Sunday night, Michael's latest movie, "Behind the Candelabra". His performance as Liberace, a beloved show-man and celebrity entertainer who was living as a closeted gay man, coupled with this stunning announcement, conjured up all kinds of sexual imagery and thoughts in my mind about the subject of oral sex. I could make a few crass jokes here, and say some things about the subject, but I won't because among all the imagery in my mind, there is one thing stands out the clearest.

Last fall Frack, my son, was at his annual check up and his doctor talked to me about immunizing him for the HPV virus, just like I had for my daughter Frick, two years before. I was a bit stunned and I might have laughed it off. After all, I thought HPV vaccinations were for girls and quite controversial, with the side effects and all. I had to think long and hard about the three-dose vaccine before I decided if it was right for her .She assured me that men need to be protected too and that this was a new area of concern for pediatrics. I said I would think about it and I pondered the idea of Frack complaining about getting a "girl" vaccine as a precaution. I then sort of decided it wasn't a priority and decided to revisit the subject this fall at his next checkup.

Today I don't feel that way.

Thanks to Michael Douglas, I don't feel that way at all.  Today I'm seriously going to have a discussion with my son about cancer and HPV and then I'm going to have a discussion with Frack's pediatrician and book the appointment for the HPV vaccine.

Thanks Mr. Douglas. Seriously? No matter what images came to mind when you made your announcement, your courage in divulging this to the public may save countless lives. The awareness and your celebrity bring this subject into the spotlight and give ordinary people like me something to think about.

And thanks for helping me to make an informed decision to protect my son against a deadly form of cancer.

Wiggle It, Just A Little Bit

And the winner is.......Miami's Fontaineblue Hotel and Happy Mommy! 

And it did not disappoint! We arrived Friday afternoon to pouring rain and lots of excitement. Of course a little rain never never held back this group, and we quickly had lunch, unpacked and went down to the lobby to explore our new surroundings. In hindsight, I should have realized that a lobby that has a huge bar, complete with a light up disco floor in the larger portion of the lobby was there for a distinct reason, but in my "just arrived" excitement I hardly noticed.We had a few drinks then went off to the first destination, Mr. Chow in the W Hotel. 

Is everything in Miami a "scene"? I'm not complaining, because I seemed right at home in the nightclub atmosphere of the Asian Fusion  famous chain restaurant. The food was outstanding, the wait staff amazing and the atmosphere was fun and young, but a bit loud for an intimate dinner if that's what you are looking for. But that's not what this group was looking for. This group was ready for a little party. I said little right? 

All of that was fine and well, but the real heartbeat of Miami and our trip was yet to come. We had no idea what we were about to encounter. Now, I had been to Miami before, but I brought the children last time and we enjoyed the famous South Beach in a different way. This time it was from an entirely new perspective. The Fontaineblue has a unique vibe and by unique I mean after dark it turns into something completely UNBELIEVABLE. (Heff and Bama, save your pennies, cuz this place is your kind of vacation!)

After Mr. Chow, we arrived at the front of the Fontaineblue among what looked like lots and lots of young people. Did I mention lots? and we sort of looked at each other like, "What's going on here?" 

WHAT WAS GOING ON? Hundreds, and I'm not kidding you when I say hundreds, of scantily clad young women and men had descended upon the lobby of our hotel. Scantily clad being the operative words here. One young lady was more "naked" than the next and it was then that we decided that this "show" was so much better than anything we would have paid admission for. 

For the next two to three hours, we sat at the lobby bar and had what was the best part of the trip: the people watch. The Fontaineblue has a famous four story night club called LIV and no we didn't go into it, but believe me when I tell you, we didn't need to. The line to get into LIV starts forming early in the evening and never stops. The club opens at 11:30 and closes at 5:30 am, but the real show is what takes place outside the club in the expansive lobby. 

Jiggle and wiggle were jiggling and wiggling all over the place and I'm sure jiggle did not know what wiggle was up to. Boobs, butt and legs were on display in every size, shape, color and creed and even the fat ones looked gorgeous. I swear. It was hilarious and us newbies did not know where to look next. The entertainment was endless. The best part were the dresses..or lack of and the high heels. Judging by the height of the high heels and the length of the dresses, (strategically just above the coochie area, was the average) you would have SWORE there was a stripper convention going on at that hotel, and not the medical convention that was taking place in another part of the hotel. 

That scene was only topped by the scene at the hotel pool the next day. Really, that scene was much better if  I ever believed that could happen. I never have seen more bikini's, boobs and big heels at a beach destination. Skin was a pre-requisite and if you weren't showing lots skin, you were the one who was looking uncomfortable. God bless them, they were out in full force at the pool too. What a scene. 

We saw much more on our ventures up to Ocean Drive. That's where the late great Gianni Versace was brutally murdered on his front steps in 1997. His palatial private residence is now a private club complete with a restaurant, but you can't walk by there without stopping to ponder the sad shame of his untimely murder.  On our trek further down we caught a full on Drag Queen show that was amazing! We didn't even need to go into the bar that was hosting it, this one was right on the street for all to enjoy! Some of the most beautiful transgendered men/women I ever had the pleasure of judging with my applause. It was at The Clevlander, a few crazy blocks down, that we saw first hand the art of naked body painting and pole dancing right on the street!!! In full on view of everyone. The point here is, if you can't beat em', join em', so we sat and had a few jovial cocktails and enjoyed yet another show. 

All in all, the endless skin show was a blast, and the trip a huge success, but the greatest thing of all was the great time spent with great friends. Like the name of the famous night club in the Fontainebleu, it makes you want to LIV your life to the fullest. Miami beach is one of those places that really enjoys life. 

And a life like that is certainly worth living every once in a while.

Rock For All Ages

Wow.
Right, they didn't reinvent the wheel here, but I sure had a good time. So shoot me.

Rock of Ages was a two hour long rock and roll anthem to my youth. I loved it because I didn't have to think about it too hard. I just had to sit back and be entertained. Beside the fact that I could name all the  bands and sing along to virtually every jukebox song that was played out in musical form on the screen, the cast of Hollywood heavies made it an even more enjoyable rock and roll adventure. Oh I know, Rock of Ages was panned by the critics and it opened to minimal box office success, but I would venture to guess that this one will grow some legs and spark new life on DVD.

For me, it was two things; the music, oh the beautiful music, and the cast. Let's start with my favorites:

• Paul Giamatti. The guy is an anomaly by Hollywood standards, but he has truly perfected the "slime ball, scum bag" role to an art form. He's so despicable and disgusting (that heinous ponytail,  ewww) that I hate to love him and love him I do. My visceral response to his work only leads me to believe the truth and the truth is that Giamatti is genius.
• Alec Baldwin. Hello? Is there any comedic role this guy can't turn into gold? As an over the hill rocker who stayed too long at the party, Bourbon Room owner Dennis Dupree, Baldwin and his loyal side man Lonnie (Russell Brand) gave one of the movie's comedic high points with REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight this Feeling". 
• Russell Brand? He just played himself, with a spot on makeover of a hair band groupie, which is why it was no stretch. His warm and fuzzy Lonny is the emotional anchor that binds this story together and serves as the comic relief. 
• Then there's Tom Cruise as Stacee Jaxx, a resurrected Axl Rose type of rock God. Cruise nailed it and for me, the guy plays this role so dark and so sexy that I was left almost searching the iTunes store for Arsenal/Stacee Jaxx songs. It's such a departure for this Hollywood Marquee player, that I once again am amazed by Cruise and his brilliance when he throws something different at me. See: Tropic Thunder

The rest of the cast rounds it out quite nicely. While I enjoyed the performances of Julianne Hough and a somewhat unknown Diego Boneta, and Malin Ackerman and Catherine Zeta Jones, this one belonged to the big boys. 

And the music. 

The climactic finale, with the rock and roll anthem of today, Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" was predictable but nonetheless enjoyable. It somehow managed to sound fresh and uplifting, but for me it was Cruise who made it new. 

Again, I'm just a sucker for a Rock and Roll story for all ages. So shoot me. 

Did Bama Get A Job In Advertising?

I was just minding my own business this morning.

I was working out on my elliptical, like I do almost every morning watching Good Morning America. (Katie Couric was guest hosing because Robin Roberts is on vacation. I hope they don't replace Robin, because I'm a huge Robin Roberts fan...)

Anyway, like I said, I was just minding my own business and this commercial came on. I could hardly believe it. You know the old saying that sex sells? Well holy Liquid Plumber! I might have even got a little hot and bothered, had I not been so surprised that this commercial was airing on morning TV. Imagine all the desperately dirty housewives out there in America after catching this PORNY ad? The househusbands of America could be rejoicing!!

For sure, it's got moxie. Judge for yourself:

I Was Just Thinking....

What the hell is wrong with this world?

My morning paper is filled with tawdry and tragic tales of sex crimes. Are people really that stupid? Lets talk first about legendary Penn State Football Coach Joe Paterno. While the facts on this case seem solid, the details are wherein the devil lies. Literally. What a horrid mess of details. Coach Paterno's former assistant, Jerry Sandusky has been charged with 8 counts of sexual molestation with boys in 15 years.

In 2002, Mike Queary, came to Paterno to report seeing Sandusky in the showers with a 10 year old boy. At that time Patreno took the matter to athletic director Tim Curley and vice president Gary Schultz. All three of them are jobless today and dishonestly discharged from their respective careers. At 84, this legendary role model disgraced his name by taking a play directly from the Catholic church's play book; shut up and make it go away. Maybe Bernard Law and Joe Paterno can now become Penn pals, complete pun intended.

Then there's Cain. Herman Cain has taken a play directly out of the Bill Clinton playbook and is playing the adamant denial game. Now this is a little something I know about. Liars always believe their own lies. After a while they are so convinced of their innocence that they will go to great lengths to convince you and themselves of it. But it never pans out and karma is a bitch who will never let you forget. One woman interviewed in the Boston Herald said, "Herman Cain is a sociopath. You can catch them doing something on video and they'll deny they were even on the planet." My point exactly. And this guy want to run for President? These are not adulterous charges, these are titilating and scandalous charges by multiple women.

Then there's this doosey: A woman in Attleboro, MA stands accused of forcing her 10 year-old daughter, crying, to stand naked in front of her computer web cam so a "photographer" could measure her body type for a bikini shoot. Seems this 41 year-old mother was shopping around for a modeling gig for herself on the internet when she received a Facebook message from a man claiming to be from a Florida photography firm. She then sent pictures of her naked breasts to him and told him about her 10 year-old daughter.

"John" then told her he had a client who wanted to do a bikini shoot with a mother and daughter. The planned a Skype conversation with "John", who explained that his camera was broken, which is why the mother and daughter couldn't see him. The mother then had her crying daughter strip naked and pose in front of the camera for about 15 minutes. "John" was arrested in Iowa after the mother's sister tipped off police. She told authorities that "John" had offered the mother $20,000.00 for her and her daughter to come to Florida for the shoot.

I'll say it again, are people really that stupid? What the hell is wrong with this world? Sex and scandal and stupidity.

That's a daily trifecta that has no winners.

I Was Just Thinking..

This is a societal conundrum.

So I'm watching E News the other day and they are teasing this new Joe Jonas video that's super sexy. They keep saying how he's grown all grown up now and "steaming up" the screen in his new video with some unknown girl. E News must have teased the "sexy hot" video about 6 times before they showed Joe in an interview and the video.

During the interview they asked him about the "chemistry" between him and the girl and about his new music. It occurred to me that the media was treating this like rite of passage for one of the Jonas Brothers, giving him a proverbial slap on the back, and actually heralding this new sexy Joe Jonas. So I thought about this for a second.

Not that I'm a fan of either one of them, but it made me think of Miley, and herein lies the conundrum. A few years ago, Miley Cyrus tried to do the same thing but she was lambasted in the media for being over sexualized too young. Granted, Miley was about seventeen at the time, but she quickly became a naughty girl in the media and her reputation took a huge hit. Her family even suffered the consequences of the stress of a negative media spotlight. Now I'm not saying we should have a fundraiser for Miley, but what I am saying is the double standard here is not lost on me.

Last time I checked, Miley Cyrus had millions of adoring little girl fans, and the last time I checked, those millions of adoring fans are also fans of The Jonas Brothers. Why is it OK for Joe Jonas to now come out all sexy and studly, and he is patted on the back, even pimped out and promoted in Hollywood? Joe Jonas is is 22 and Miley is 18. In the past few years Miley has amped things up on the "sexual" scale for sure, but she defends herself saying, “Every 18-year-old explores sexuality and experiments and tries things,” she says. “For me there’s no reason to change that. You have to be true to yourself.”

In the face of the media glare, that wants to paint Miley as a harlot she says, "I stay in the house pretty much every day. I don't go out. I've had the same boyfriend for two years."

Look, Mother Theresa she's not, but I couldn't help but see how wrong it is for Hollywood to glamorize Joe Jonas' jump into sexy waters and at the same time try to drown Miley in hers. It's these same people who made millions of dollars off her bubble gum Hannah Montana image that are now ostracizing her for being too sexy too soon.

I just don't get it. It's as if Joe Jonas has been given the key to the Playboy Mansion and invited into the good old boys club, while Miley was escorted out for doing the exact, same thing.

It's certainly a societal conundrum. Don't you think?

A Daily Dandy News Flash

Overheard on my treadmill this morning: More housework=More sex


Really? I found this so interesting. So, if I stay home and clean the toilets, I'm gonna get rewarded in the bedroom? No, that can't be right. What if it was reversed? What if My Guy stayed home and cleaned the toilets? Does that mean that he's entitled to an evening of me being his own personal love slave?

According to a new study, the more housework you do, the more sex, you as a couple, are likely to have. Hmm, I needed to investigate this fascinating fact further. The study shows that sharing the household chores actually "promotes friendship and intimacy". Participants said they saw the work in the home as a show of commitment to shared interests and taking pride in their environment. Some believed that actually being alone in a place that you are comfortable and relaxed was conducive to the sexual experience.

The study defined housework as nine chores: cleaning, preparing meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, driving family members around, shopping, yard work, maintaining cars and paying bills. Just a brief glance at those nine chores and I can rate the score for me and My Guy as:

Candy:5
My Guy:4

(And technically, it's only 8 chores for us because one of those chores listed, neither of us do)

OK so, hey! That's sexy. The study also found that most of the participants were highly motivated individuals who tended to prioritize their lives, making sex a priority rather than let the demands of a busy life interfere with intimacy. This study is said to now join a larger body of longitudinal studies that illustrate how housework shapes the dynamics of a marriage. They suggest sharing household chores are the third most important factor in maintaining a healthy marriage; right behind faithfulness and healthy sexual intimacy.

Well I'll be damned.

I can't wait for Saturday. We've got a whole day planned of household chores.

Scenes From A Bonfire

Today's post is a re-post from Oct 31, 2008. The scene that plays out here really happened in my backyard. Guest 2 is a good friend and Guest 1 was her, at the time, new boyfriend. I post this in honor of the couple, now married, who will welcome their new born daughter at some time today. Congrats to Mr and Mrs Fabulous! Looks like your fire for each other has never gone out.

EXT. BACKYARD BONFIRE-10pm

Male HOST sits at a backyard bonfire on a crisp autum night with his two guests.

GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 are young people in a committed relationship.

GUEST 1 is a male and GUEST 2 is a female. GUEST 2 is making smores over the CRACKLING fire, the marshmallow still melting amongst the flames.

HOST: Tonight marks the first time I have allowed my 12 year old son to go trick-or-treating with a group of his friends without parental supervision.

GUEST 1: (Leaning into GUEST 2) Man, when I was 12 on Halloween, I remember getting my first kiss with Debbie Simpson in the back of my best friends garage. Yeah, that's what I was doing at 12 without my parent's supervision.

GUEST 2: (Looking straight into GUEST 1's eyes) Debbie Simpson? That's the name of the first girl I ever kissed too!

Momentary SILENCE as GUEST 1 and GUEST 2, intensley hold each other's stares.

Robust LAUGHTER ensues.

Sex On A Stick

Oooh baby, baby.

"It's a Britney Spears sex riot!" Sue Sylvester shouts as she pulls the fire alarm on McKinnley High's Glee club performance for the high school assembly.

And it was.

Rachel in a half shirt, braids and school girl skirt singing, "Hit Me Baby One More Time." Brittany in her sex slave costume, gyrating all over the screen, (the girl is an amazing dancer) with a massive python draped over her shoulders, and the Glee club and Mr. Shuester performing a super sexed up version of, "Toxic" in the school gym, causing the aforementioned sex riot. And Jacob the Jew?? Creepy at best.

Not only did Sue Sylvester catch the Jewish Afro King stroking the salami, naked, in the library while watching a video of Rachel, but after he spies Rachel in the belly bearing, school girl look, he offers to kill his parents and then give Finn his house for Rachel. This episode was supposed to be about self awareness and expression, but it somehow turned out to be more about sex and fantasy. Is this Brittney Spear's legacy?

John Stamos is introduced as Emma's boyfriend-dentist and while working on their teeth, he inadvertently takes the kids on a nitrous oxide induced fantasy world that apparently is dominated by Brittney Spears. Cool, together and drop dead handsome, Carl (Stamos) has Shue worried about loosing Emma. And Shue turns into a complete turn off. EWWW, Shue. I thought he was so much cooler than that. I actually threw up a little in my mouth when he and Emma were sitting in his ridiculous, new bright yellow corvette he bought while singing, "Sailing"...

Artie and Finn both get what they want, which is back on the football team and Quinn does not get what she wants, which is back with Finn. Surprisingly, she formed an alliance with Rachel only to trick him to see if he would bite. I find it hard to believe that the once "untouchable" Quinn would put herself in that position, but it was somewhat endearing.

Hot, steamy, sexy Glee last night was not one of my favorite episodes, but it somehow managed to answer some major plot questions as well as turn up the heat in the room. Can't you just see Britney Spears? At home, viewing the tribute episode with her family, a bucket of fried chicken at her feet (she is country, after all), drum stick in hand, wiping her oily, free hand on the front of her shirt, "See mama, look I told you, I'm so sexy!!!"

I'm Going To Take A Nap

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Oh Lordy! Is there hope for us???

Have a great weekend Bloggers!

Pillow Talk

Overheard in another stratosphere....

HUNNY: I'm going to be needing some nookie tonight baby, and since when do I have to schedule an "appointment"?

BUNNY: Oh just you wait for the honeymoon, Mister. Rules say that on your honeymoon you have to have nookie EVERY DAY, and at least 2 or 3 times a day.

HUNNY: No, the rule is....

BUNNY: OH NO, you don't get to make the rules.

HUNNY: Why is it that you tell me your rule, and when I try to tell you mine, you jump all over me and yell.

BUNNY: Because mine is a joke.

HUNNY: How do you know mine isn't?

BUNNY: Go ahead.

HUNNY: Rule says that before you are married every time you have sex, you place a penny in a jar. After you are married, you take a penny out of the jar. The rule says you will never be able to empty the jar.

BUNNY: Ha Ha....that better be a joke. Not funny....


I'm not saying that's the conversation that My Guy and I had this morning.

What would make you think that???

No Wok Today

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work.
You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great!
I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.

Today's Special: Porn

What's your take on Porn?

Really, I want to know because I was out last night with Frick and her girl friends and couple of their mothers and we started talking about men and porn (not with the girls). And I didn't just wake up one day in the stupid tree, because I know all men view porn. That's just a fact. But here's a newsflash: Women view porn too! I think it's normal for people to view porn from time to time, any more than that and it could become a problem. Yes? No?

Do tell. Because I'm curious.

Today porn is more than Marilyn Chambers and a VHS tape hidden in your basement. Today porn is interactive. It can come to your front door and knock on it if you choose. Porn can chat with you on the phone for $7.99 for the first minute and $8.99 for the additional minutes. Porn is in our e-mail boxes. Porn can be viewed at the office, in your car, at the library, in a staff meeting, on the train, porn can even be viewed in a house and with a mouse-if that's what floats your boat. In our cyber world porn is omni-present. And easy. So what's acceptable and what's crossing over into the creepy?

I have some experience here and I say that porn can be the playground for the deviants. Now that's not to say that using pornography from time to time makes anyone a deviant. Hell no. I am saying that because most porn is dark and forbidden, the deviant in some can take over and turn a life upside down. I have see this first hand. But what about your average Joe, just getting jolly because his girl is out of the country for a month and porn is what's keeping him honest. Then porn becomes a public service? And how much is enough?

Give me some guidance here, bloggersphere. What's normal and what's not?

I Have An Announcement To Make

"I had sex with both Jesse James and Tiger Woods and I have the racy texts to prove it."

Weston, MA, March 26 2010-Candy of Candy's Daily Dandy reveals proof of her 3 year, steamy, sexual relationships with both Jesse James and Tiger Woods and releases this statement to the press through her attorney.

Why not? Hey, everybody else seems to be doing it. Why shouldn't I jump on the bandwagon and see what I can gain from it? That should at least score me a phone call from Gloria Allred, which should be good because I've always wondered how that woman sleeps at night.

What's wrong with our society today is not the invention of the Internet so much as our dependence on portable electronic devices. They deliver instant access to our social networking world and for some, it's like main lining with your dark side. They are killing us slowly. Our children are occupied by text when we are trying to connect with them. Facebook and IM and ichat are pinging and blooping in the background while the kids are doing their homework and the emotive notification tone of a text message disrupts a productive stream of consciousness.

Have you ever stopped for a moment to listen for your ring tone because you swear you just heard it, only to find it was in your imagination? OR been on your cell phone having a conversation while furiously looking around for your CELL PHONE? Sometimes I'm panicked, searching for my phone only to find that is already in my hand. I'm that dependent on the stupid thing. And it is why people like the aforementioned adulterers were able to continue their lurid behavior on the sly. In the world of electronic sex, naughty, hot exchanges are key to fuel the adultery fire. We'll call it safe sex because no body fluids need be exchanged and it can easily be deleted. The secret is safe. Unless you're a celebrity these days.

I'm not interested in looking at My Guy's cell phone because honestly, I don't want to know. And I shouldn't have to, in a perfect world. But we all know that this isn't a perfect world. There are other ways to pick up on the cheating cues, unless you are married to a psycho-pathic deviant liar. Like I was. Like Elin is and Sandra. How did we not know? They were really good at keeping their deviant, torrid, text sex a secret because it wouldn't be as much fun otherwise. Deviance is like a drug and the sex is the haze of the high. An addict will do whatever it takes to keep the high going and the text message is the needle that delivers the drug instantly. And there's no paper trail. Instant gratification in your front pocket.

And lately, skanky deviants and bimbos are lining up for a handout. Or a photo spread, or some notoriety and a book deal and the skanky deviant celebrity is looking for a fix. But the real villain here is the text message and the cell phone just may be the new sex toy.

Sex And The Sandwich

Kate, Kate, Kate.....today scribes all over the country are lauding you as an oracle, a savant, a sage, for your recent comments about men in a magazine interview.
Despite all your impending wisdom I still have to ask, "ARod?" (I can't chastise him today-as he just captured his first "brass ring". Congrats, ass)

"I love boys," Hudson says in the new British Elle. "But I believe they're really simple."
Kate believes that all boys want are sex and a sandwich. Then she offers this gem, "I sometimes feel like when you're talking to boys, they just hear certain keywords," Hudson continued. "But if you had a bubble above their head, they'd be thinking about game scores, masturbation and food." And there it is...the girl's a fricken genius.

Sex and a sandwich. How could we not have seen it before? Is it not true that after a good meal, a great game on TV and a roll in the hay, life couldn't get any better for Joe? Would Jim be trolling the strip clubs on Saturday night if Sandy had a turkey in the oven wearing nothing but a sexy apron over garters and 5 inch stilettos at home??? Is keeping things hot in the bedroom and hot on the stove really the key to keeping your man? Could it really be that simple? One would wonder, although the logic here is compelling to say the least.

And if men are that simple, what about keeping your woman? What would be in the bubble above our heads, boys? The fact of the matter is that you would have no idea because this week's spread on the Giants game and the pastrami on marble rye in your lunch bag keeps you from venturing an educated guess; so says Kate the Oracle.

Is she right? While I love the precision and skill with witch Ms. Hudson lays it all out there, letting the world know, quite casually that she has men all figured out, I have to refer to her recent track record when it comes to men.

I mean really, ARod????

Just Say No To Nookie

Tufts University, in Medford, MA, just two days ago, added a rule to their student handbook banning students from engaging in "the sex act" in their dorm rooms while their roommate is present. Seems officials at the college have been fielding complaints about sexual promiscuity during "lights out" time from students for a while, so they decided to take action. The issue has been hotly contested and analyzed on every newpaper and talk radio station in Boston.

Opponents say it is a direct violation of a students constitutional rights of freedom, while proponents say, it's time has come. With my own undergraduate dorm days long behind me, I can't say I haven't dealt with this one before on a personal level. Without saying whether I was the violator or the victim, I'll just say that since the dormroom was invented, this issue has been played out in almost every scenario.

Let's take, for example, it's components; young, good looking (for the most part) hormonally fueled 18-21 year-olds, away from home for the first time in their lives, enjoying the fruits of their new found freedom. Can you say sex and drugs and rock and roll?? Hell yes!! And if the sex is free, it's good for the taking. Some believe they are not one's to starve at a banquet, so when the opportunity presents itself, they must dine as if the Apocalypse is fast approaching. Everything and everyone else is considered collateral damage. Others believe that some consideration is in order or possibly a mutually agreed upon sign, that things are gettin' jiggy up in here, and to check back later. *wink, wink*. I'd have to agree with the latter.

Really, how hard is it to find some privacy in college?? Not very. And if you want it bad enough and don't care who sees you, what's to stop you from going for it under some shady tree? And once you add drugs and alcohol into the mix, you usually end up with all bets off the table when it comes to dorm rooms. Then add one pompous and inconsiderate roommate and you've got a sticky situation, quite literally. Bravo to Tufts for giving the student body an option other than the favored f-bomb response from said roommate. I doubt that adding the rule to the handbook will halt the late night nookie in the bed next to you, but it's a start.

It gives the victim a voice when their voice is not being heard over the animalistic moaning and groaning going on over there in the dark.

Boink Buddies

I heard a story from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another friend- and I know you get the drift here. Anyway, my friend told me about this friend of ours, (we used to work with her), a woman, who if I had to estimate, is somewhere in her 60's. Said woman is cute, short and tiny with a cute little figure, but if I'm telling the truth, she looks her age. Not that looking her age is a bad thing, just an important detail to the context of the story. As I stated, said woman had a nice figure, but has no surgically enhanced details, you know, like huge, fake boobs or has had any work done on her face. Nothing that would be considered super sexy. She is your average looking sixty year-old woman. She is a widow-lost her husband many years ago and lives alone, as her children have all grown and married and has two beautiful grandchildren.

My friend told me that said woman is banging a hot, forty year-old body builder, and has been regularly for about ten years. They meet once a week, strictly for sex and then go home at the completion of the sex act. There is no pre or post-coital dinner's, it's strictly business. The body builder has a serious girl friend who he lives with, but still manages to sneak in his weekly sexual trysts with this woman. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I try not to be judgemental but I think I was most shocked at the deviance of affair. I call it an affair because the guy is "seemingly" in a committed relationship. If I'm being completely honest here, I was also shocked by the fact that this woman is banging a "hot", young, piece of man. Shame on me because who the hell knows what attracts one human being to another.

The more I thought about the story, the more I began to realize that this woman just may be my new hero. As I said, we used to work with her and she never once told us about her boink buddy. She never bragged about her boink buddy. She never mentioned it, and there was plenty of opportunity for her to do so. The subject of sex came up frequently amongst the women, especially at the lunch table. And she could have-you wouldn't believe some of the stuff women will share when a group of ladies are talking about sex. I thought about her life and wondered if this was the ideal situation for her. She gets her needs met, no games, strictly regular business, and can go home to her life. I doubt that she has any delusions of romance with this guy, and if it is true that this has been going on for ten years, then it's possible that these two have worked out a perfect arrangement that suits them.

I still think the guy is a complete douchebag for cheating on his "girlfriend" and something tells me that the dude must get off on the fact that he's banging a older woman on the sly, but again, I'm not judging HER as one would assume that she is mature enough to know exactly what she is doing with this tool. To each his own, but somehow, I feel caught up in a complete double standard. I have a new found respect for this woman yet I feel complete disdain for the guy. How can this be?? I guess the only thing that is "wrong" with this picture is the fact that they are both cheating on an innocent party, but if I remove that emotion from the equation, I am left with the logic that being boink buddies seems to work just fine for them/her. Who am I to judge?

I guess I have to say good for her! I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to decipher this equation and deduce that there will be no romantic, story book ending here. No riding off into the sunset of love with her Prince of Boink, but is that what their boink buddy relationship was based on? It would seem to me that these two have figured out a mature, consenting arrangement that is beneficial to both parties, more like a business deal. There is no buddy-buddy involved here, it is strictly boinking as usual.