Trainwreck

I've been a bit of a trainwreck lately.

In the best possible way, of course. But my blogging time has been directly affected. The more The Candy Bar's numbers go up, the less time I have to blog. These are good problems to have because when all is said and done, I gotta devote my time to the thing that pays the bills. All week I had plans to blog, yet I never seemed to find any time. Like this week I had plans to blog about:

• "Don't Discount the Discount"-I went shopping with my high school girl friends on Monday afternoon. We went to a Nordstrom Rack and while there I found at least 6 things that I liked that were cheap. Normally I don't buy cheap items, but these were fashionable and fit well. The price made me think twice? Really? Expensive items don't make me think twice but the cheap ones did? Were they not good quality? Would they last? I bought them anyway and I'm glad I did. I have received lots of compliments on my discounted clothing and heck, if they don't last, it's not like I paid a bundle for them.

•  "Stop and Smell the Success"-As I stated earlier, I'm getting busier and busier at the store. This is great, and it's about time but I have to remember I am not superwoman. Some days I forget to eat both breakfast AND lunch. Not good when come quitting time I'm so stressed out and I have a headache that I can't even enjoy my down time. I gotta take a moment. I've got to breathe, and let someone else do it. I don't have to always be the one doing. I already am the one worrying about it so I might as well let someone else do it.  

• "Trainwreck"-After an especially stressful day, which resulted in a headache, I took two Advil, ate dinner and watched the movie "Trainwreck". It was just what the doctor ordered. It was a dumb-ass movie, but I loved it! Amy Schumer is hilarious. Who knew LeBron James was funny and a surprise cameo from John Cena made it worthwhile. The sex scene with Cena was worth the two hours alone! He was hysterical! The laugh was a great release and much needed.

Yeah...It seems like I woke up and it was Friday already. Where did the week go?

For now, I'm ok, great in fact. But I've got to remember that this train I'm on will NOT be a wreck.

Dog Days Of Summer

You're either a dog or a cat person. I'm not a cat person, so the doggies are King today on the Daily Dandy!
Some of these are literally LOL worthy!

I miss my little pug Jingles....

I see this just about every morning from Buddy...

Tell me about it baby...

Grandpa doggie wisdom.

If this ever happens to me, I'm not asking questions.

Ohhh boy they are getting creative!

Seen this before..more than I care to remember. 

Now that's funny...

This one reminded me of Frick and Frack...I wonder why?

I couldn't resist this one...

Love this one!

Somedays I feel like Buddy is looking at me this way.

Happy Tuesday Bloggers! Enjoy the dog days of summer while you can!

Too Much Alcohol Is Never A Good Thing

One day there were these 3 men in a bar. They all got drunk and went home. The next day, they gathered together and talked about how drunk they were. 

The first guy said, "I was so drunk last night, I made out with the lamp." The second guy said, "That’s nothing, I got my DUI." The third guy said, "I went home and blew chunks." 

The first and second guy asked the third guy what was so bad about that and the third guy said, "NO! You guys don’t understand! Chunks is my dog!" 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/threemeninabarjokes.html

It's A Really Good Friday

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"? 

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. 

He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." 

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. 

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/easterjokes/threeblondesjoke.html

Happy Easter Bloggers! Here's to spring!

The Curious Case Of The Missing Takeout.

While away on a small respite with my family, we indulged in one of our favorite traditions back home-Sunday Chineese dinner. The food was great, the company better and we enjoyed our family ritual in a different state and atmosphere. After dinner was done, we asked for the left over food to packed up and then headed to our home away from home where we safely ensconced said leftovers in the fridge.

Important to note-there were 5 boxes of Chineese takeout. 4 large boxes and one small box.

Day 2 of our fabulous vacation, and the family decided to grill dinner on the fantastic grill out back. That morning, we went to the supermarket and got all of the needed items for the feast. The menu was planned-including some of the stir fry veggies from the Chineese take out. I confirmed the veggies were still a viable entity, by opening the box and tasting a cold piece. Frick, who is here with some friends, informed me that she would be eating some of the leftovers for lunch. I know that the veggies are safe around a bunch of young girls so I then went on about the rest of the day.

It's now later that afternoon and I come back to the house to begin preparations for our cook out. I had to start the water for corn, marinate some of the meat etc, when I noticed that there was only 

1 takeout box left in the fridge- and it wasn't the stir fry veggies. No biggie, I thought, the girls must have eaten the veggies with lunch and I thought I probably should have told them of my intended use for the veggies for dinner. When the girls come back, I jokingly say to them, "hey, you must have been hungry because you ate the veggies too, huh?" Frick is surprised. "No mom, we only ate what was in 2 of the boxes." Really? I asked where the other 2 boxes had gone. They had no idea. 

I then asked My Guy. He had no knowledge of the whereabouts of the 2 missing boxes. Ok, I thought now this is curious. I'm so curious that I decide to satisfy my curiosity by checking the trash can. Interestingly enough, the trash had just been taken out. I inquired with everyone in the house as to who had taken out the trash? My Guy said he had taken out the trash, but did not throw away the missing 2 boxes. Now I'm more than intrigued. WTF had happened to the 2 missing boxes? If Frick and her friends had not thrown them away, and My Guy had not thrown them away, and I know for sure that I had not thrown them away, then where were the 2 missing boxes? 

I tried to dismiss the whole incident as unimportant, but the nagging mystery poked at my psyche. Who was lying and why? And was there a stranger who came into the house and took the 2 boxes of leftover takeout? The empty trash can held the answer and my curiousity was just about killing me, so I went out to the garage and I opened the trash can. The nearly empty can held the white kitchen garbage bag clearly visible, so I reached in and retrieved the bag. Yes, I opened it because at this point I needed to know if the 2 missing boxes were in there. Just as Frick and My Guy had said, the 1 large box and 1 small box the girls had eaten for lunch were inside the bag but not the 2 missing boxes. 

I can't say I wasn't disappointed. Now Im really perplexed with this strange situation and I tie up the white garbage bag and throw it back into the trash can. It was then that I spot 1 of the 2 missing boxes thrown at the bottom of the can! Right next to it is the other missing box, but curiously they are without a trash bag, just thrown randomly into the can???!! And none of the food had been touched, as they were both still full of food and veggies.

What the? And here's the kicker- no one is admitting to anything. It has now become a running joke between us, with everyone accusing one or the other of lying about the missing boxes of takeout.

What do you think happened here bloggers? I'm just about ready to think there is a ghost on vacation with us. 

Today's Special: 2 For 1 A "Real Bargain"

So there has been a lot of funny talk about marriage at The Daily Dandy lately. I called to memory-and even pulled up and recited-a post that made me chuckle. I thought it really put things into perspective then and I still do now, as I have repeated this story more than once in the past week.I hope it brings you a laugh and some perspective too.


This is a RE-POST which first appeared here on July 29th, 2010. Titled "Divine Intervention"

So I was at my store the other day and one of my favorite customers and I were having a chat. We were talking about marriage and spouses and such, seeing as I'm heading down that path again in just 5 short weeks. We talked about longevity and commitment and how marriage is work. I was telling her that my mom has been complaining that she is really frustrated with my dad lately, for one reason or another. My customer then relayed this story to me, which I found to be quite amusing, indeed. I then, immediately relayed the story to my mom. True or not, this is one I will remember.

She told me that she had seen an interview with the Rev Billy Graham and that she always calls it to mind when she is feeling less than amorous with her spouse. She said it gives her peace.
The story goes like this:

The Reverend was asked by the interviewer if the Lord had ever spoken to him directly. The Reverend response was, "Only once." He went on to say that he had been arguing with his wife one day and while shaving his face alone in the bathroom, still stewing over the specifics of their argument, the Lord spoke to him and said, "You're no bargain, either."

I couldn't help but think it was genius.

Whether or not the higher power actually intervened and spoke those words of truth to the Reverend is completely irrelevant to the point, which is, so true.

"You're no bargain, either"

Damn, ain't that the truth.
This is not an endorsement of the Reverends teachings, or a religious or political agenda advancement. It's just a simple take on that age-old commitment of marriage.

It sure puts things into perspective doesn't it?

Happy New Year!!

 

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. 

Lots of love,

Candy

2 Weeks Till C-Day

Hey Bloggers! It's just about 2 weeks and counting till the day that Santa lets us all know if we have been naughty or nice! Judging by these photos, there's going to be a lot of coal passed around, Just sayin...

Not sure if this dude is serious or not, but in a very small way the suit is kinda bad ass..scratch that-it's just bad!

The funny thing here is that Dad find absolutely nothing wrong with this picture. I can just hear him, in response to his daughters horrror, "What?"

The modern Addams family. Hey, they like to spread the Xmas cheer too! 

Oh my...What the? Uhhh, I guess I will reserve judgement here. I'm all for flying your freak flag. Right? 

But this?This is just too creepy for words. Well there are two words that come to mind: "Jazz Hands!"

After the previous two, this somehow seems normal....

Nice! Bad Granny here is workin it! You go girl!!! I love it when people poke fun in the face of Christmas.

And speaking of poking fun in the face of Christmas...This one needs no explanation.


Happy Friday Bloggers! And I hope you have a very jolly weekend!

It's Our Civic Doodie

Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides.

Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?''

The other agrees enthusiastically and they part.
Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.''

``Not really,'' says the second. This is the third time I've done this today.

Happy Halloweenie!

Happy Friday bloggers! Today is not just Friday, it's HALLOWEEN!! We were discussing last night how Halloween is a really huge deal if you are between the ages of 5-12. It's probably the second most anticipated day of the year for a kid.

Proof that some of us never really grow up, here are some hilarious examples of halloween creativity at it's finest!

Couple o' boobs, these two. The one on the right is kinda pretty? No?

This is great! But the toilet dude? He's going to get a serious quad workout tonite. And the other guy?
He's going to catch a serious cold tonite?

Stop it....that is the cutest/funniest thing I have ever seen..

Gross...just gross, but the further I look at it the more I think its genius. Yeah, gross, but genius.

Bwahahahahah! Really? Bwahahahaha!

I gotta give the guy props for creativity. I love it! It may not work so well with the ladies though. It's like he's putting the cart before the horse. You know what I mean?

Now this guy? He's got it all figured out. If he finds any takers he's gonna have a good time tonite. 

AND THE BEST FOR LAST:

I'm sorry, but I LOLed so hard when I saw this. This is so wrong on so many levels but you gotta love it when someone laughs right in the face of life. Imagine the two of them looking at this photo 20 years from now! I just think this is hilariously wrong, but hilarious nonetheless. 

Happy Halloween bloggers! Have a safe and happy evening and take a moment to appreciate this all Hallows Eve, a unique American tradition. 

Marcel Is Back

Just so cuuuute...

Friday Funny Flashback

*This is a re-post from The Daily Dandy, April 2010


Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger, he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Have a great weekend bloggers and try think before you speak.

Cuz H's are EW!

I define myself in many ways; mother, wife, entrepreneur, and friend to name a few. But there is a part of me that lives on inside the woman that is all which I have described.

That part of me is still a 12 year old girl.

That's why I think this is so funny, brilliant, endearing and SPOT ON accurate!
It also makes me an even bigger Jimmy Fallon fan...like if that's even possible..like really.

This is the latest from the EW! franchise and I fricken love it.

For Real? This Is A Good One.

I nearly fell off my chair when I saw this today...

Shared on FB by my blogger friend Sybil Law, this morning, it's a story that's about as crazy as it gets! The cookies you see above were made to look like.....vagina's. Yup vagina's but that's not the crazy part of the story. I'll get to that part but first I have to comment on the absurdity of the cookies above. Like those things are LOL worthy, but somewhat appealing at the same time. Which makes me LOL even harder!! Vag cookies.....good times.

Anyway, the crazy part of the story is even better than the cookies made to look like vaginas.

The crazy part of the story is that those cookies were made by a mother of a second grader for said second grader's entire class. Reportedly the mother was "excited for the opportunity" to bring in some baked goods for the kids. According to mommyish.com , the mother brought the treats in and announced to the teacher that she should use this as her opportunity to teach the children about vaginas! When the teacher removed the tin foil and saw the cookies, adorned with ALL KINDS of vagina's, she emphatically told the mother that she could not serve the cookies to the children as they were inappropriate. The mother, furious at this, stormed out of the classroom leaving the baked vag's behind.

OMG...that is a good one! Crazy bat shit mom then sends the teacher an email with the rantings of an insane person about how she's missing the opportunity to "educate and empower women". Hilarious. She claims she's trying to spread her message?

I gotta say, I'm not quite sure if it's her message, that's she's trying to spread. It's obvious to me that this mother is definitely off her meds.

Dumb Blonde Friday

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. 

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. 

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''


Happy Friday bloggers. Have a great weekend and please don't let the kids play with anything dangerous. 

Wordless Wednesday

I can't...even...

Funny Cup O' Joe

A blonde goes to her doctor and says that every time she drinks a coffee her eye hurts. 

The doctor prepared her a hot, fresh cup of coffee to see what really happens. She took a sip of the coffee and screamed, "Ouch, that hurts!" The doctor said, "I know your problem." 

The blonde asked, "Is it bad, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, you just need to take your spoon out of your cup before you drink your coffee."

On Stage

Did you ever hear a song in your car that just spoke to you? Made you burst out in full on sing song like you were on stage? In front of thousands of people? Singing like you've never sang before?  I know you have. We all have. And we have all seen someone at a red light just belting out a song like they are in the middle of Madison Square Garden in front of the adoring crowd.

That's why this is so funny.

You go Ellen! I wish I could do that every morning with a different celebrity in my bathroom.

Lady got some pipes..both of em.

Witty Wednesday

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself  and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been  waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good,  and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,  things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club  and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.  There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's  old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating .  The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending  end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences  and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and  whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were  dying of  cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS!  Why did you do that?' 'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping  with your father after I'm gone.'

Ballsy Elephant

What do you do with an elephant with that has 3 balls?


Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.