The Nanny Chronicles

Another one bites the dust...

It wasn't bad enough that our boy Ben lost his freakin mind and started banging the Nanny, but now reports have surfaced that Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale's marriage may have been doomed over the suspision that Rossdale cheated with....THE NANNY. 

WTF? 

What gives? Do all these successful men have mommy issues? Or do all men have issues? Mom's hire nannies-especially working moms-so that they can contribute to the family financially, and socially so that they can have a life that is not centered around the kids. Moms need to feel good about themselves, and a good mom takes care of family first but then takes care of herself. When mama's happy, everybody is happy and a working mom needs both family and career to work cohesively to achieve domestic harmony. 

The nanny is key to the cohesiveness of those two worlds. But in today's crazy, sexed up, messed up world, do moms now need to worry about what goes on at home-with the nanny and her spouse-while she is working? So it would seem that any woman in her right mind would hire only Mrs. Doubtfire doppelgangers. Knowing what we now know, what are the options? 

Look, my kids are out of the nest and their "nanny" is still at my home 2 days a week taking care of household business. She has been with my family for 10 years and she's 28. AND did I mention that she looks like a Brazillian J LO? Am I worried? I wouldn't be human if I didn't let sinister thoughts creep into my head. Top that off with the fact that I was once married to a serial cheater and got my world rocked by the shit that he did. But I decided a long time ago that in order for me to live happily and not be completely devastated by a man and his extracirrucular activities, I have to love me more. Simple, I love me more and in the best case scenario he loves me more too. 

I don't know if simply loving yourself more is the answer, but it's a start. 

That and finding the agency that only employs women nanny's over the age of 75. 

Desperately Dirty Housewives...A Repost

*The following is a Re-Post-originally posted on The Daily Dandy on Friday, March 6th 2009. It was one of my favorites then and still is now.

I have led a sheltered, sheltered life. Now bear with me here for a moment and you will understand what I'm getting at.

I stopped by the local quick-mart yesterday to pick up some milk on my way home. The gas station/mini mart is located on the main thoroughfare, no more than .5 tenths of a mile from my street, smack dab in the middle of two affluent, suburban communities. I stop in there regularly; to get gas and last minute items and the staff and I are on a friendly, first name basis. We always take a few moments to chat about daily events, and often times they will share a story or two about what goes on in the quick-mart. Yesterday the story was focused on the amount of condoms that are sold in this particular store. The owner asserted that of the four mini marts he owns; this particular location, by far, out sells the others in condom purchases. He added that the purchases are made mostly by women-who appear to be just like me, apparently-and by that he meant your ordinary, every day mom.

Another staff member then proceeded to tell me about these same suburban women; the ones buying the condoms, propositioning him for a little discreet, extra-curricular activity,*wink, wink*. Now they had my attention. We then discussed it a little more. They said well dressed men in business suits also make numerous condom purchases and we all marveled over the frequency of this taking place in an affluent community such as ours. Who'd have thought? Interesting. Wealthy, successful business men and their lonely, neglected wives.

On my way home, armed with this new revelation, my mind went directly to a memory of a similar sort. About 5 years ago, I was waiting at home for a service man to come to turn on my irrigation system. This is a twice yearly appointment, and the homeowner must be present in order for the service tech to have access to the pump located in the basement. The company always give you a 3 hour window for the arrival of the tech. My window was from 9am to 12. I jumped into the shower sometime close to 9, and sure enough, I heard the doorbell just as I was getting out of the shower. I quickly threw on my bathrobe and slippers, wrapped a towel around my head, and rushed to the door.

I told the tech he was welcome to come in and go find the pump in the basement on his own, but that I would just need a few moments to get dressed before I could show him. The tech immediately put up his hand, beating a hasty retreat from the door and said, "I'll do what I need to do out here first. When you're dressed you can come and get me and I'll come in." OK, fine. I get dressed and go find the guy and walk him down to the basement to show him where the pump is. He then says to me, "I hope I didn't offend you by being short with you earlier. It's just that I have learned the hard way never to enter into a home when the lady of the house is dressed in a bathrobe."

Really. Forever the journalist, I pressed him for more information.

"You're kidding me, right?" I said.
"I wouldn't kid about that," he replied.
He proceeded to tell me the stories about how more often than not, the robe and the towel quickly drop to floor. He said he could write a book about the propositions he's received over the years and that despite his warnings, some of the younger guys he works with have actually messed up their relationships over their indulgence in this offer of an"afternoon delight". I was speechless.

Let me go on record here as being fully aware that this could take place anywhere in the US of A, and it is certainly not limited to affluent communities. I just need to wrap my brain around the fact that it actually does happen in real life and not just in Hollywood.
I have lived a sheltered life, for sure, because this stuff never ceases to perplex me. The service guy? The UPS man? The plumber? Not to imply that there is anything wrong with any of those professions. I just don't equate an afternoon quickie with my major kitchen appliance being returned to working order.
I just don't get it. And I'm glad I just don't get it.
Herein lies the point-these women "just aren't getting it" so they're getting it when ever and where ever they can, on the sly. The allure of the forbidden fruit.

This is just one woman's opinion is all, and to each his own, whatever floats your boat and every other seemingly appropriate cliche. I just think there needs to be some sort of connection, chemistry or history before engaging in the act. Call me old-fashioned, call me a prude even, all I'm saying is that I just think there are better ways to float that personal boat, if that's what you're looking for.
It certainly gives new meaning to the job title, service man.

What? Wait? Again?

Am I the only one who is shocked by the latest Tiger Woods news that his break up with Lindsay Vonn was due to the fact that he cheated with a "faceless, nameless, woman"?

I think I am.

I had to Google the news yesterday because I hadn't heard about it on the gossip pages of a trash magazine. That's surprising, don't you think? On the contrary, I actually believed the official statement put out by Lindsay's people that the breakup was due to the fact that they both "lead incredibly hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our lives apart". It made sense to me. What a fool I am. Or maybe what a fool Lindsay is, but I was sure this time was going to be different. He knew the world would be watching, and they were. apparently he was seen with the woman and decided to "come clean" (no pun intended) to Lindsay about it.

A Tiger never changes his spots...does he?

A good life lesson for all of us.

The Tangled Web

I'm not quite sure what to make of this woman, but upon first glance at her, my thoughts are not good.

Now who am I to judge her, really, but I truly believe this woman has some bad karma following her around. Rielle Hunter, her real name, Lisa Jo Druck, has lived a tough enough existence since meeting then Presidential candidate, John Edwards in a hotel bar in New York in 2006. She famously became his secret mistress and bore his love child in 2007. All by choice. You see, she has been weaving this web of tangles for quite some time and karma, as they say, can be a real bitch.

Ok, so what makes this situation more tawdry than most adulterous affair stories? The guy was running for President of the United States, while engaging in an adulterous affair with his so called "document-arian" who scored a $250,000.00 contract to film Edwards behind the scenes of his campaign. When his aides quickly realized her work was shoddy and unprofessional, the jig, behind the scenes was officially up. And up meaning everybody involved knew that Hunter and Edwards were doing the nasty on the quiet.

John Edwards, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

The guy was swimming in the biggest fishbowl of all, yet he continued to have a adulterous affair with this woman while continuing his campaign for President and doing so while his wife of many years battled cancer.

Talk about lying and cheating.

How do you live with yourself?

These two not only lived with themselves, they lived with Edwards trusted aide, Andrew Young, who is no better than them, and bilked the wealthy Edwards campaign supporters out of millions to keep the secret quiet. What did they think would happen? Did they really think that Edwards had a chance at the White House? And that if he won they would sneak Rielle and her baby in the back door of the Oval Office?

I'm sorry to say that they both deserve each other, Rielle and Edwards. It's the innocent children I feel sorry for. Elizabeth, may she rest in peace, got her revenge. After it was all revealed, she got rid of the biggest cancer of all, HIM, and went on with what was left of her life. As for Edwards and his mistress? These two continue to dredge up feelings of  lies and deceit wherever they go.

Edwards is a social and political pariah and Hunter? She's just a pariah. And I'm not quite sure what to make of that.

I Was Just Thinking...

This guy is a pathetic figure.

Jennifer Lopez's estranged husband, Marc Anthony, felt the need to conduct a televised, prime time interview to explain that his marriage "just ran it's course", and that there was no infidelity.
I'm not sure I really believe him or I really care. It's a toss up. The guy is a serial adulterer. He left his pregnant wife for JLo and karma's a bitch. Also, rumors are swirling that he is having an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith. Another home wrecked by the king of salsa.

The guy's got some kahuna's, though, I'll give him that. JLo's publicity machine is cranking out the bad press for Marc Anthony daily so that she comes out of this smelling like a rose and keeps her crown as American Idol's princess. I guess a Nightline ABC News Interview to tell "his side of the story" is a good move. Score Marc Anthony 1 on his side.




I got an email from US Weekly today that read:

Exclusive: Watch Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries Make Out on Honeymoon

I ask you who's the bigger idiot? Them or me? For publicising their honeymoon or me for actually opening the email? Ugh,

I am guilty of being addicted to Gilt Groupe. Daily, I get an email update that informs me of some fabulous sale on some fabulous designer goods that I must look at and buy. Of course, everything is sold at 60-40% off retail prices, so do you blame me? I look at it this way, I could have much worse addictions. One's that could destroy my life with complications and serious illness.

So I like to look good? Is that such a crime?

Did I hear that Elisabetta Canalis, George Clooney's ex-girlfriend is a new cast member of "Dancing With The Stars"? Now I see exactly why George dumped her like a hot potato. Fame seeker, much? George don't play that game. She totally just jumped shark....

Also in the cast: Chaz Bono. I may just have to tune in to check that hot mess out.

Rob Kardashian. Cuz there's not enough of them in the press to keep them relevant.

Nancy Grace: The shark's are circling....She's gonna jump!

Oh Lord.

It's a good thing I'm perfect.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I went to bed last night with a slight headache and left my TV on, something I never do. I awoke about 4:30 am to some sad sack ABC News round table that had a bunch of good looking people talking news. Or so I assume they were talking news, because it was then that I heard that Jesse James and Kat Von D had recently ended their engagement and their relationship.

I'm sorry, but I this is somewhat vindicating for all us Sandra Bullock fans. The guy's a quadruple LOSER and somewhere Sandra Bullock has to be smiling to herself, just a little bit. Kat Von D is the one I really feel sorry for. It looks like she got duped by one of the most hated men on the planet. Reports are saying that their relationship could not endure the long distance between them. Are you kidding me? She is in LA and he is in Austin. You mean to tell me that all that money between them couldn't get them close enough together on the weekends?

So why end things just because they couldn't be together every day? If that is the truth, then wouldn't you do something about it? Breaking up seems so illogical. My suspicion tells me that someone else is involved. The easy and most obvious indication for the break up would be that he cheated with some tattooed, white supremacist, swastika-ed model, but reports have already surfaced that she is currently back with Nikki Sixx, her former boyfriend.

Maybe Jesse got exactly what what was coming to him and maybe not, but judging from one of this season's LA Ink episodes, Kat was inking a childhood picture of Jesse onto her torso. I'm thinking that's not a move a woman would make that was cheating, and now she's stuck with her new ink. Good thing she's in the business. I'm sure it's already been turned into something else.

Another one bites the dust, and I couldn't be happier. I like Kat much better without that loser.

Separate Lives

After 25 years of marriage, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver announce their separation. It seems sad, really that this couple, who seemingly had it all, are ending their union. But it's not at all shocking. What would be shocking is if President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama announced their separation while in office, but this announcement is worth noting.

Marriage seems to be a detriment these days, and I wonder why most people can't or won't put up and shut up like our founding fathers did. What does this say about our society today? Are we not built for commitment? I come from a broken marriage, but it was not of my choosing. I thank the good Lord above for getting me out when he did, but I may not have chosen to end it if I was left to my own decision. THEN. Knowing what I know now, I would have ran for the hills, but in my ignorance, a modern girl like me had an old fashioned take on marriage.

Now I've gone and done it again and I'm so happy I did, pledging this time to honor and love and go where ever it is my marriage takes me. Am I crazy? I think not. I'm just hopeful and happy. Today. But what happens when that happiness fades and life throws some curve balls at me? Do we just get out? Is this how it works? It was reported that Marie Osmond just remarried her first husband, again. So what are the odds of them making it this time around? Did they just realize they made a rush decision to divorce the first time, or was there something worth saving there?

Jesse James is probably the most hated man in America for cheating on every body's sweetheart, Sandra Bullock. There's no way these two could have stayed together after the news of his illicit affairs during their marriage hit the press. But that's what society says. What did they say to each other in those final days? In some way I think when a man cheats, he knows that there is no turning back after the crime has been committed. I believe it is a cowards way to end a marriage because the act speaks the words the coward is unable to say.

Just like Brad and Jen. Brad knew he had crossed the line, and try as honorably as he might, everybody knew the line had been crossed. He had no choice, he had to get out. But what happens when there is just nothing left in the marriage tank void of infidelities? They separate. They live alone and trudge through life without the other. Maybe they turn to someone else. Maybe not. Maybe they work it out. Maybe they don't. Life offers no assurances, but I somehow hope that marriage has not become disposable.

Here's an old fashioned girl who believes in commitment, throwing her hat into the ring.

I hope Arnold and Maria work it out.

I Have An Announcement To Make

"I had sex with both Jesse James and Tiger Woods and I have the racy texts to prove it."

Weston, MA, March 26 2010-Candy of Candy's Daily Dandy reveals proof of her 3 year, steamy, sexual relationships with both Jesse James and Tiger Woods and releases this statement to the press through her attorney.

Why not? Hey, everybody else seems to be doing it. Why shouldn't I jump on the bandwagon and see what I can gain from it? That should at least score me a phone call from Gloria Allred, which should be good because I've always wondered how that woman sleeps at night.

What's wrong with our society today is not the invention of the Internet so much as our dependence on portable electronic devices. They deliver instant access to our social networking world and for some, it's like main lining with your dark side. They are killing us slowly. Our children are occupied by text when we are trying to connect with them. Facebook and IM and ichat are pinging and blooping in the background while the kids are doing their homework and the emotive notification tone of a text message disrupts a productive stream of consciousness.

Have you ever stopped for a moment to listen for your ring tone because you swear you just heard it, only to find it was in your imagination? OR been on your cell phone having a conversation while furiously looking around for your CELL PHONE? Sometimes I'm panicked, searching for my phone only to find that is already in my hand. I'm that dependent on the stupid thing. And it is why people like the aforementioned adulterers were able to continue their lurid behavior on the sly. In the world of electronic sex, naughty, hot exchanges are key to fuel the adultery fire. We'll call it safe sex because no body fluids need be exchanged and it can easily be deleted. The secret is safe. Unless you're a celebrity these days.

I'm not interested in looking at My Guy's cell phone because honestly, I don't want to know. And I shouldn't have to, in a perfect world. But we all know that this isn't a perfect world. There are other ways to pick up on the cheating cues, unless you are married to a psycho-pathic deviant liar. Like I was. Like Elin is and Sandra. How did we not know? They were really good at keeping their deviant, torrid, text sex a secret because it wouldn't be as much fun otherwise. Deviance is like a drug and the sex is the haze of the high. An addict will do whatever it takes to keep the high going and the text message is the needle that delivers the drug instantly. And there's no paper trail. Instant gratification in your front pocket.

And lately, skanky deviants and bimbos are lining up for a handout. Or a photo spread, or some notoriety and a book deal and the skanky deviant celebrity is looking for a fix. But the real villain here is the text message and the cell phone just may be the new sex toy.

It All Started With The Apple

Tell me it isn't so.

Tell me that it's not true because after all I have been through and I SHOULD know better, I still have the hopes and dreams of a woman who is optimistic about love and marriage.

Tell me that it's only a few bad apples that spoil it for the rest of us.

Tell me anything, "because I'm still kinda touched by 'your word is Oak thing'." (obscure Jerry Maguire reference) and your public declaration of love as "having my back".

Tell me to grow the f*ck up because as history proves, it all started with that God dammed apple.There's no two ways around it, because it's always been there and temptation is indeed, the fruit of all evil.

Another one bites the dust.

In this still-breaking story, the public obsession with salacious, celebrity infidelity takes yet another ugly turn. This time, America's newly crowned sweetheart is at the center.

Oh, Christ. Not that it's any of my or anyone else's business, but are we to believe that these new allegations, by some tattooed vixen, for money, fame, or whatever are FALSE? Do we really care? Yes, we do because somewhere inside of us we were all pulling for this mismatched couple to be happy. Sandy certainly looked happy. Sandy certainly sounded happy. Jesse doesn't look so happy (in that photo). It's ugly and only going to get uglier. In public. My heart goes out to her.

Who knows, maybe they had an agreement. Maybe she has some tattooed love slave on the side too. I would never venture to guess what is acceptable for others in a marital relationship, but I can tell you that it's not what I would agree to. Here's the thing, Adam couldn't resist the temptation and allegedly neither could Tiger or Jesse, so maybe a little piece on the side isn't so tragic.

Grow the f-up Candy, and smell the dirt in the garden. Who the hell am I? Joan of Ark? Am I asking too much for monogamy and fairy tales? Damm Cinderella and her happy ending and Snow White too. They can all go straight to hell. It's that friggin apple and it's not like we weren't warned. It's always been there. In the beginning of beginnings. Maya Angelou once said, "When someone reveals himself to you, you better listen." Did Adam not set the bar for the male species?? And right out of the gate too, so there would be no questions. Insurance for his homeys.

The way I see it serpents, vixens, lust, greed and temptation will always be prevalent, it's how one chooses to handle the temptation that speaks volumes about one's character.

And really, who wants to be married to a character?

Today's Special: The Mighty Fall Hard "Fuher Shure"

This is becoming the biggest sport in the world.

Vegas is now taking odds "Fuher Shure".

The Worst LIE Of His Career

I feel the need to weigh in on this whole Tiger Woods debacle on this forum, considering a few factors:

1. I once was a wronged, cheated on spouse. (repeat: I WAS-past, not present)

2. My son is a young boy who at one time idolized what used to be "Tiger Woods".

c. Because I have a blog and I can.

I think that Josh Duhamel is probably the happiest guy in the world right now. I speak of Fergie's (Black Eyed Peas) actor husband, because until Tiger's UNBELIEVABLE story of multiple, cross-continental, global, adulterous trysts that broke last week, Josh was the dirty dog of the tabloid world. The media was collectively looking at Josh with a "how could you?" scowl, for his "transgressions" with a stripper in some hotel room.

Josh should send Tiger a huge fruit basket for the holiday's, because, sadly, Tiger's torrid story makes Josh look like a choir boy.

This morning, after woman number 10 has emerged as his alleged mistress, Tiger finds himself with the worst lie on the golf course of life. And that's what this is really about, isn't it? LIES. And I know a lot about lies, considering I lived one for many years. I think that, maybe, the difference between my EX and Tiger is about seven zeros. What I mean by that is that my EX's torrid sex stories weren't worth six zeros, or even two zeros to TMZ. I have a feeling that if they were worthy of some zeros, my story would have played out much like Tiger's. I may even venture a guess to say I know a small bit about how Elin is feeling.

I feel pretty confident guessing that she F-ING hates the sight of her husband right now and she most definitely (sorry anti-violence folks) has either hit her husband with her hands or some other object, or has fantasized about it. Today's 24 hour Tiger media drama is reporting that Elin has moved out of their home. Yeah, I'm sure she has been pushing for that since the minute she learned about everything. I'm sorry she had to withstand this with his sorry-ass face for as long as she has.

Do I believe every $$ grubbing tramp who says she slept with Tiger over the last few years?

Do you?

I do believe he f-ed up ROYALLY and that he has been banging whatever he wanted for as long as he wanted, but all of these women??? I'm seeing money talking here, more than truth, for the most part.

The problem is the almost, "addiction and deviance" that is revealed by 1. the numerous sexual partners and 2. the deviance in which Tiger continued these sexual affairs. Herein lies the problem, with LIES being the operative word.

LIES destroy lives.

Cheap, tawdry ho's who sleep with other women's husbands are not the problem. The problem is Tiger's addiction to the deviance and the lies he has strung together to support his secret life. I was Elin, and even without the zeros, the house of cards falls just as hard. Because of the lies, I can never really look back and say, "Well, we had some good years" because I don't believe that. I don't believe anything was EVER true, because it was all based on LIES. And if I were betting on Elin, I would say it was even money odds, she is feeling somewhat similar and that this marriage will not survive.

I can't even imagine being Elin today and having a 24-7 media frenzy, detailing every sick and hurtful detail of my one time, beloved husband's, deviant, sexual trysts for the world to consume. AND yes, it's possible she HAD NO IDEA. Deviant, psychopathic liars are so good at keeping you in the dark.

I can tell you this. This is not going to be a victorious, come from behind victory for Tiger Woods. The athlete who at one time was a beacon of mental toughness, will now endure the scrutiny of disgrace in his life off the course. He is a fool that has chosen the wrong path and has destroyed his legacy and his life.

There is no magical club in his golf bag that can get him out of this LIE.