Too Much Alcohol Is Never A Good Thing

One day there were these 3 men in a bar. They all got drunk and went home. The next day, they gathered together and talked about how drunk they were. 

The first guy said, "I was so drunk last night, I made out with the lamp." The second guy said, "That’s nothing, I got my DUI." The third guy said, "I went home and blew chunks." 

The first and second guy asked the third guy what was so bad about that and the third guy said, "NO! You guys don’t understand! Chunks is my dog!" 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/threemeninabarjokes.html

Friday Funny Flashback

*This is a re-post from The Daily Dandy, April 2010


Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger, he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Have a great weekend bloggers and try think before you speak.

Cuz H's are EW!

I define myself in many ways; mother, wife, entrepreneur, and friend to name a few. But there is a part of me that lives on inside the woman that is all which I have described.

That part of me is still a 12 year old girl.

That's why I think this is so funny, brilliant, endearing and SPOT ON accurate!
It also makes me an even bigger Jimmy Fallon fan...like if that's even possible..like really.

This is the latest from the EW! franchise and I fricken love it.

For Real? This Is A Good One.

I nearly fell off my chair when I saw this today...

Shared on FB by my blogger friend Sybil Law, this morning, it's a story that's about as crazy as it gets! The cookies you see above were made to look like.....vagina's. Yup vagina's but that's not the crazy part of the story. I'll get to that part but first I have to comment on the absurdity of the cookies above. Like those things are LOL worthy, but somewhat appealing at the same time. Which makes me LOL even harder!! Vag cookies.....good times.

Anyway, the crazy part of the story is even better than the cookies made to look like vaginas.

The crazy part of the story is that those cookies were made by a mother of a second grader for said second grader's entire class. Reportedly the mother was "excited for the opportunity" to bring in some baked goods for the kids. According to mommyish.com , the mother brought the treats in and announced to the teacher that she should use this as her opportunity to teach the children about vaginas! When the teacher removed the tin foil and saw the cookies, adorned with ALL KINDS of vagina's, she emphatically told the mother that she could not serve the cookies to the children as they were inappropriate. The mother, furious at this, stormed out of the classroom leaving the baked vag's behind.

OMG...that is a good one! Crazy bat shit mom then sends the teacher an email with the rantings of an insane person about how she's missing the opportunity to "educate and empower women". Hilarious. She claims she's trying to spread her message?

I gotta say, I'm not quite sure if it's her message, that's she's trying to spread. It's obvious to me that this mother is definitely off her meds.

Funny Cup O' Joe

A blonde goes to her doctor and says that every time she drinks a coffee her eye hurts. 

The doctor prepared her a hot, fresh cup of coffee to see what really happens. She took a sip of the coffee and screamed, "Ouch, that hurts!" The doctor said, "I know your problem." 

The blonde asked, "Is it bad, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, you just need to take your spoon out of your cup before you drink your coffee."

We Are, At Times, A Very Sick and Twisted Society.

So I remember when Frick was little, we were planning a big birthday party for her and she was pumped!!! I'm not sure why, but I thought it would be funny to tell her that I wasn't going to her party. I think the gag lasted a whole 10 minutes, but I remember she wasn't too happy about it. The moral to this story?

She has never let me forget or live it down, still to this day. It's become a cautionary tale in our household.

So why is this so funny to me? The answer lies in the title of today's post.

Watch it through to the end, as there are some redeeming moments and a hilarious twist at the end. And I have to tell you....I guess I'm just sick and twisted enough to laugh out loud through this whole thing.

Enjoy!

Jammin' With Jimmy

Happy Friday peeps!

Since I'm Slow Jammin' the weekend with Jimmy, I thought I'd take the hottest jam of the summer and view it "Jimmy" style. His band The Roots is amazing and considering they are all using children's instruments this version still rocks!

Enjoy and have a great weekend bloggers and try not to blurr too many lines.

Politically Incorrect Auto Correct

This has been all over the Internet and I thought it was way too funny not to share. Happy Monday!

The Ultimate Sports Fan

What if you could, as your last dying wish, stick the proverbial nail in your favorite sports team's coffin? No pun intended.

Scott E. Entsminger, of Mansfield, OH, who died on July 4th at the age of 55. A life long Cleveland Browns fan intended a pun indeed. Scott left instructions in his obituary requesting  "6 Cleveland Browns pallbearers so the Browns can let him down one last time". And somewhere in heaven, the sports world is laughing their proverbial asses off!

Had Entsminger known that his obituary instructions would go viral, who knows what else he would have done? According to his obituary, Mr. Entsminger wrote a song and sent it to the Cleveland Browns every year. He also offered the Browns his best advice on running the team. Maybe the Browns should have listened. Because of Entsminger's obit humor, the team is receiving the most positive press it has in years.  The team reportedly will present Entsminger's family with an official Browns jersey bearing his name at his memorial service today.

A dying man's last wish; to crack a joke heard 'round the world at the Cleveland Brown's expense. A bitter sweet ending for a long suffering fan's life but Scott, it would seem certainly had the last word. Of course, all mourners at today's service are encouraged to wear their Cleveland Browns clothing in honor of Scott.

Witty Wednesday

This is me in a million years......well, maybe not a million.

Candy's Weekly Wank

"You've just had your twelfth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?"

"Phil"

"But you named the last eleven Phil"

"Yeah its great. I say, "Phil go clean the room", they all go clean their room. I say, "Phil come for dinner", they all come for dinner."

"But what if you only want one of them?"

"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."

Holding On For Dear Life

Girlfriend got a tight grip goin for safety.

Bunch Of Blondies

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


http://www.ahajokes.com/blo055.html

A Holiday Cautionary Tale

I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and driving this holiday season. 

As you might well know, some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some shots.  Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit
I did something I've never done before.  I took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint, but because it was a bus, they just waved it through.  I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it! 

Knee Deep In It

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a knock on the door one Friday, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'

Look And Find

So my BFF sent me this and it totally stumped me for a few days. 

It was entitled "The Hokey Pokey". 

Tell me what do you see?

Oh, For Friday's Sake.

Oh yeah, it's Friday! It's been a hell of a long week bloggers and I gotta tell you I am ready for some weekend.

Summer is here and it's time to enjoy and that's what I intend to do. Latesha here looks ready for the weekend too. You go girl! You gotta love a lady who's not afraid to let it all hang out!!

Happy Weekend Bloggers and don't be afraid to let your freak flag fly.

Proof That Men Should Not Be Allowed Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

Reply

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter


I jacked this AS IS from http://www.jokesaboutmen.net/men_jokes_sixteen.html

Freaky Friday

You'll go mad for these deals.

So it's Friday bloggers, and that means it's time to get your freak on!

I'm thinking of going to see," The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I hated the book, and just couldn't get through it but everybody says that you need to force your way through the first few chapters. Duh? Why would I want to read a book that I have to force my way through the first few chapters? So, I think I'll go see the movie first and then decide whether or not I want to force my way through the first few chapters and complete the book.

And speaking of freaky, this kind of freak is the funniest freak I have seen in a while. The audio here could be considered NSFW, so be forewarned.

Enjoy and make sure you get your freak on this weekend bloggers!

Wikid Real NSFW

Ok so this is way too good NOT to share.

All I have to say about this is while the sports worship is completely accurate, we don't really sound like that.

Do we?