Earlsie then took to the sphere with his rendition of why the Evil Empire strives to be cooler, and being a bleeding red, white and blue Sox fan I had to follow suit. So fellas, step aside. It's time for the real "show" to start. (see what I did there? little baseball euphemism...)
#1. We are the Cubs Daddy: Just ask Pedro Martinez, cuz he coined the phrase. The Cubs are nothing more than a poor man's Red Sox. As I stated on RW's blog, we left those losers in the dust in 2004 and fact is fact. There is no more "wait until next year" because we turned around and did it again in 2007, proving that Cubbie's and every other poser, we be your daddy! Dare I say it, sometimes, (and I mean SOMETIMES) I kind of miss that underdog, loser team that we used to be. At least when we lost we could all agree to how bad we sucked. In that we were unified. But taking a look at our 2 shiny and spankin' new World Series trophies this decade puts all those feelings of inferiority to rest. History baby. We made history.
#2. You can be Bad Ass, I'll take the Idiots any day: Lovable idiots. They are the ones who brought us home the hardware. They had long hair, beards, cheeks stuffed with chew and baggy pants and they didn't care. And neither did we. We loved them as long as they were winning. And win they did. They took the Nation on a ride one October in 2004 that we will NEVER forget. Grown men cried and women who cared nothing about sports were suddenly spewing *Pedro* pitching stats like Jerry Remy. Grubby dirtbags who shocked the world and Reversed a Curse, making the stuff of legends.
Heroics, sacrifice, determination and drive are what those idiots coughed up and when the end of the ALCS championship was over, this Nation had really won the World Series. The Cardinals were just a technicality. Major League Choke makes Major League history. Those bloody sox are seated at the right hand of the Hall of Fame.
#3. Sweet Caroline: It's actually very cool that the Na-na-na-na chant heard 'round the world originated in Cominsky, but we invented a true blue Fenway tradition. No other ballpark in the world delays the play of game in the seventh inning so that it's fans can sing Neil Diamond's classic, "Sweet Caroline". It's ours and ours alone. We may look and sound like idiot's, but we don't care. No self respecting Red Sox fan would dare leave a game before "Sweet Caroline". (unless we were being brutally spanked) It's so good, so good, so good! Also, I believe Jordan's Furniture, a local furniture company was the first ever to run a promotion before the start of the 2007 season:
"As a promotion in 2007, Jordan's offered full rebates on certain pieces of furniture bought between March 7 and April 16 - provided the Boston Red Sox won the World Series. The store took out an insurance policy for approximately twenty million US dollars. Since the Red Sox did win the World Series, Jordan's Furniture gave an estimated 30,000 qualified orders away for free."
#4. Disco may suck, but Fenway believes, "Long Live Rock": The Boss, The Stones, The Police, Neil Diamond, Buffet, and McCartney are just a few of the Rock and Roll legends to have performed on the fields of "America's most beloved ballpark" to an adoring nation. This summer our very own Bad Boys of Rock & Roll Aerosmith, will perform and I will be front and center. The Stones concert was so mammoth, that rumor had it almost destroyed left field irreparably. The Winter Classic played at Fenway this year?? Poetic and beautiful. It brought a tear to a sports fan's eye.
#5. Harry God Damn Frazee, sucker: The bastard owner of the Red Sox who sold Ruth to the Yankees in 1919 and kicked off The Curse. All for a skirt and a Broadway show called, "No, No Nanette". Before then, the Red Sox were one of the most successful baseball teams in the majors, winning the first World Series and five more since the first. That all came to a halting stop after The Babe was sent packing. The rest is 86 year history. Bastard.
And Number 6???: This is The Nation.
It's not pretty, but we own it. It's the only place in the world where sitting down with your kids to have "the talk" means talking and teaching "Yankees smack-talk".
*this has been edited for accuracy*