Friday, March 26, 2010

I Have An Announcement To Make


"I had sex with both Jesse James and Tiger Woods and I have the racy texts to prove it."

Weston, MA, March 26 2010-Candy of Candy's Daily Dandy reveals proof of her 3 year, steamy, sexual relationships with both Jesse James and Tiger Woods and releases this statement to the press through her attorney.


Why not? Hey, everybody else seems to be doing it. Why shouldn't I jump on the bandwagon and see what I can gain from it? That should at least score me a phone call from Gloria Allred, which should be good because I've always wondered how that woman sleeps at night.

What's wrong with our society today is not the invention of the Internet so much as our dependence on portable electronic devices. They deliver instant access to our social networking world and for some, it's like main lining with your dark side. They are killing us slowly. Our children are occupied by text when we are trying to connect with them. Facebook and IM and ichat are pinging and blooping in the background while the kids are doing their homework and the emotive notification tone of a text message disrupts a productive stream of consciousness.

Have you ever stopped for a moment to listen for your ring tone because you swear you just heard it, only to find it was in your imagination? OR been on your cell phone having a conversation while furiously looking around for your CELL PHONE? Sometimes I'm panicked, searching for my phone only to find that is already in my hand. I'm that dependent on the stupid thing. And it is why people like the aforementioned adulterers were able to continue their lurid behavior on the sly. In the world of electronic sex, naughty, hot exchanges are key to fuel the adultery fire. We'll call it safe sex because no body fluids need be exchanged and it can easily be deleted. The secret is safe. Unless you're a celebrity these days.

I'm not interested in looking at My Guy's cell phone because honestly, I don't want to know. And I shouldn't have to, in a perfect world. But we all know that this isn't a perfect world. There are other ways to pick up on the cheating cues, unless you are married to a psycho-pathic deviant liar. Like I was. Like Elin is and Sandra. How did we not know? They were really good at keeping their deviant, torrid, text sex a secret because it wouldn't be as much fun otherwise. Deviance is like a drug and the sex is the haze of the high. An addict will do whatever it takes to keep the high going and the text message is the needle that delivers the drug instantly. And there's no paper trail. Instant gratification in your front pocket.
And lately, skanky deviants and bimbos are lining up for a handout. Or a photo spread, or some notoriety and a book deal and the skanky deviant celebrity is looking for a fix. But the real villain here is the text message and the cell phone just may be the new sex toy.

16 comments:

wigsf said...

So, Tiger or Jesse, who swings the bigger club? If you know what I mean.

B.E. Earl said...

"...and the cell phone just may be the new sex toy."

That's what the vibrate setting is for. ;)

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

word up Candy.

pfft!

Heff said...

THE WHOLE WORLD'S GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET !!

Joker_SATX said...

Oh, I don't know about that. I think this sin has been around since Adam and Eve took the big bite!

I mean, you don't need a cell phone with Texting to get it done..A web presence on Ashley Madison and an email address works just as well.

The Cell and texting just makes it easier.

Lets face it, the word "bastard" came into existence for a reason.....

RW said...

We can limit our behavior. The human race existed for thousands and thousands of years before cell phones - and isn't it funny how everybody yearns for the "good old days."

My wife goes bananas if we go out and she's forgotten her cell phone, and I didn't take mine because the only person who talks to me on my cell is here and... well... she's right there. We have to drive all the way home to get it, and it turns out it's for nothing.

I mean come on. We lived without it for most of our lives. wtf?

Brian said...

Geeze, I thought instant gratification in my front pocket came through that hole in the bottom! Ohh, wait - it's vibrating now!!

The spousal unit. No instant gratification there. Yet.

SkylersDad said...

The moment I read those texts by Tiger I just knew you were Dominant Mistress CDD!

BeckEye said...

I did them both as well. Along with John Edwards. Can I get my check and reality TV series now?

Scott Oglesby said...

Honestly, I’ve never cheated in a serious relationship. I’ve never been into casual sex so there was no point. But I always wonder how Don F*cking Draper keeps getting away with it. And why he would to begin with. Why any of them do?

You scared me with your title….whoo. I have a similar thing coming out soon, and I didn’t want you to think I was stealing.

the walking man said...

Something mus be wrong with me. My cell phone makes and receives phone calls, not photos, no sexts or texts and I don't get all jonesing if I forget to take the damn thing with me when I leave the house.

I wonder why people complain when the court puts them on a tether when they so willingly accept and pay so much money to have one.

BamaTrav said...

I feel cheated, you didn't try to gain crap from out escapades. :(

The Dental Maven said...

So, I'm confused. Was it easier or harder to have an illicit affair before technology?

Scope said...

My situation is a little different. I am addicted to my BlackBerry. When Cora is 200 miles away. Every bing, buzz and blurp could be her. We originally connected digitally, and still do.

But, hopefully, she can attest to the fact that when we are together, I can do a pretty good job of ignoring it, unless it's the special 3 buzzes and a ding, which is work.

Cora said...

Ever heard Allison Ireheta's song "Robot Love"? This post reminds of a lot of that.

As for tech being a tool for cheaters, yep. My ex-husband used the internet and his pager to woo his best friend's fiancee and a couple other girls while sitting right there in the same room with me. My first clue something was wrong was that he'd hastily minimize whatever was on the computer and jump up looking soooooooo guilty whenever I walked by. My second clue was that he'd get pages and immediately leave the house, telling me work had called him in - yeah, that one fooled me until the day his boss called looking for him and I realized he wasn't at work like he'd claimed. Jerk.

My point? Tech might be a tool to cheat, but guilty faces and big mouthed bosses will always be there to rat out the cheater in the end. :-)

Cora said...

Just read Scope's comment, and, yes, he DOES ignore his blackberry unless it is work-related.

Reason number 999,659,521,353,871,150,001 why he is AWESOME!!!!