Friday, September 17, 2010

Boy Bashing

So here I am in my bliss full, still-on-my-honeymoon phase of just-married life and someone sends me this:

To all those men who say, 'Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free?" Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Hee hee! Tough talk. I received that little blurb in my email the other day and I thought I would share it with you. I call this practice, "boy bashing" and to be blunt, every once in a while we all need to engage in a little "boy bashing". It puts perspective on that age old HE vs. SHE debate. And there's power in numbers. Even I had to sort of chuckle when I read these. It more than makes me lean toward my fellow sister's team.

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12! . Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Sorry fellas, you know how much I love you all, but us girls know that on those game nights downstairs in your buddy's "man-cave", or on your golf "man-cations", or even on boys poker nights, you boys come up with some doosies that bash us girls.

It's all in good fun. Right ladies?

So like they say, "If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen." Which you guys do so well anyway....


Jim said...

One I've seen a lot lately is "Why did God invent men? Because vibrators can't cut the grass."

Amazing how thick and fast the stereotypes fly, when men and women get into their bashing. I'd stay and join in, but I'm busy planning what to make for dinner tonight, so my wife can kick off her heels when she gets home, sip her wine while she watches the news, and wait until I announce that dinner's ready . . . as usual :-)


Raquel's World said...

OMG that pig one was soooo funny I have just emailed it to all my friends. Loved it!

Heff said...

I've never felt so hurt in all my life !!!

How degrading !

Ok, I'm over it - somebody pop in a porno flick....

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Jim-LUCKY LADY!! And you're a fab cook to boot! We can only dream. You are a keeper, as we say.

Raquel-So glad I could help with universal boy bashing today.

Heff-You know I'd never bash you! You're my favorite cave-man, chauvinistic male in the world!!

sybil law said...

I'm almost always up for some man bashing!!

Furtheron said...

to be honest on our man days we are normally just talking about how fast our cars are etc. boys and their toys... :-)

the walking man said...

For me personally #4 is pretty far off the mark.

And you Candace my dear are 1 billion times the sporto than I am so I think it safe in this case that you and my old lady spend way more time in "man caves" than I do but the rest especially the bashing part---Shit she ran me out of the kitchen twenty years ago, stopped me from mowing the lawn about the ten years ago but I did buy her a brand new snow blower for the winter. So bash away babe.

wigsf said...

80% of women are against marriage???

I call shenanigans on that!

80% of women will get pregnant just to ensure a marriage.

SkylersDad said...

Let me apologize in advance by taking up so much comment room, but here is something to bash my proud heritage:

Sex and the Scottish man.


Friday Night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from
the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a black pudding supper and 3 pickled onions his mind set on one thing. LOVE! Or as he says himself "ma nookie". His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous
excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance a ma hole?" The good lady in
question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of picked onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant.
This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply "Awaity f*ck ya bam".


Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic
fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go". Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.


After 12 pints, sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self
esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ya useless bas*ard" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman". Oral sex is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He
approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ya like to put your teeth roon this?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies
smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "On ye go" she says "but don't disturb me".

Unprepared by this slight rejection the man drives enthusiastically to perform
such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man may emerge from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke, "Bas*ard, you could have told me it was your bad


Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his
willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he
explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fu*k, I've shot ma load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by
uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shi*e, ar*ehole". The woman is speechless.
The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?". Given his level
of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout
"Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big "man".

Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman - a
veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

The Dental Maven said...

Add to the list:

Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, full bodied and can keep you up all night long.


Elenka said...

Pretty funny, glad you're 'still'on your honeymoon!

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm? Thank God I'm gay, because that makes me the un-stereotypical male. When I'm done paying the cleaning lady, cooking dinner and giving hubby a full-priced designer outfit for our anniversary, I'll sit back and be thrilled that at 40-years-old, I still don't need Viagra.

Touché, girlfriend!

PS - And thankful that there is no man-cave in our home...Does a 'gift-wrapping room' count as a man-cave?

Anonymous said...

SkylersDad,I have never been with a Scotsman. Untill I read your comment, I did not know what I was missing.I wonder, do you ever come to Houston?Just wondering.