Monday, December 1, 2008

Top Ten Reasons Why An Entire Weekend Of Drinking After The Age Of Forty Is Never A Good/Bad Thing

To kick off the joyous holiday season, I spent the weekend with a group of my high school girlfriends drinking, shopping and reaking havoc on the shores of Cape Cod. Did I also mention that after the age of forty this may never be a good thing. Here's why:

10. Old age is a bi*ch! Hanging out with the girls and drinking WAYYY too many is a constant reminder that you're no longer eighteen and invincible. Grow the F-up! (Although, somewhere we must get "brownie points" for giving it the old college try and getting it somewhat right).

9. Two Advil just doesn't do "the trick" any more. Forty-plus'es need at least three or four and, having to remember to take the Advil before, during and after the drink fest is key. God forbid you forget this all important detail, cuz if you play-you pay!

8. A gaggle of dazzling, hot, drunk, loud and obnoxious "cougars" attract the most undesirable male following. The Cape Cod "townies" thought they had died and gone to heaven and became our fan-club for the weekend. Lucky for us, a little more than a few of them had ALL of their teeth. Good times.

7. Drunk shopping puts impulse shopping to SHAME. You wake up the next morning to find your $300 in cash is gone, and you've got more than a few shopping bags full of unnecessary Black Dog apparel and Cape Cod hoodies and t-shirts to show for it.

6. Being the only make-up artist in a group of seven gorgeous women is not easy. Forty plus women see this as a free spa service for the weekend and will most definitely take advantage of this fact. Trying to get your own make-up on and everyone else's in a timely fashion is a not an easy task-especially when they are lined up and waiting outside the bathroom door.

5. No matter how "skinny" you think you are-there's always someone else in the group that leads you to compare yourself to Shamu The Killer Whale on his best day.

4. No one can see. I mean really-everyone is fighting this fact in one way or another. Some have gone the contact lens route or have reading glasses, while the rest of us drunks are pretending we can read the menu and ordering all kinds of obscure shit no one ever heard of because we just can't see the fine print. (The good thing here is we are all in the same boat)

3. There's always one. Yup, one of us overindulged in party mode and ended up spending the wee hours of the morning on what I can only compare to "a bad trip". The thing is after Forty, instead of realizing that you are just plain sick, you think that you are either having a heart attack, a serious allergic reaction, or someone slipped you a mickey in your drink. Contemplating a trip to the emergency room becomes a lot easier after forty than if you were a kid in high school and the panic that ensues becomes debilitating. While we took turns holding her hair as she prayed to the Porcelain God, she would utter things like, "Tell my kids I love them." Good thing for her we were all there to get through it, consoling her and taking care of her. We had her back.

2. Drunk over 40's are smart. No one wanted to be designated driver so we hired a local cabbie with a mini-van to lovingly be our "bitch" for the weekend. I think he had more fun than we did and turned out to be a great guy who watched out for us.

And the number one reason Why Drinking After the Age of Forty Is Never A Good/Bad Thing:

1. It takes two days to recover from a full weekend of drinking with the girls. Waking up on the Monday morning after a weekend bender with every muscle, ache and pain intensified, serves as your notice that the weekend's activities go against every law of nature of your forty year old body. But the memories, bonding and time spent with people you love like crazy and love you the same way are well worth it.

For sure, we will most certianly do it all over again. It's just that now, we need at least six months between to recover!


McGone said...

I've gotten to the point where my girlfriend and I usually put the numbers of several cab companies in our cell phones before going out. That's how I know I'm an adult. That and all the hair in weird places.

That damn expat said...

Nevertheless, sounds like you had a fun weekend!
And you should have some sort of contest with those Cape Cod shirts as prizes. I'd definitely participate, I've always wanted to go there.
My word verification is extrafun. I rest my case.

B.E. Earl said...

See the problem is that you are drinking regularly enough. Drink every weekend and several times during the week and you will build up an immunity to the hangover. See?

LYDIA said...

Oh I love being a girl - I can picture your weekend of fun. Sounds much better than my weekend of: nap for three hours, wake up, drink Theraflu, watch Lord of the Rings, repeat.

Dr Zibbs said...

At least you had fun.

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

Good times! At least I do my drunk shopping at NM and Tory Burch. Good luck with all those ugly-ass T shirts and caps...

Gwen said...

Training. To stay in shape you need training. Start drinking on Arbor Day to prepare for the next gathering.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I love it! Great advice from more than a few "seasoned" vetrans Thanks for the tips!

Scope said...

I have a feeling that where your (heart) Wrecking Crew (Magnificent Seven?) to walk into any bar, Cape Cod or downtown Boston, you're going to draw A LOT of attention from the guys in the bar.

And let me get this right: Thursday - Cooked dinner for 35. Then told them, "Don't let the screen door hit ya where the good Lord split ya" tossed the bums out, then went out on the town? FRI/SAT or just SAT?

Because that's stamina.

And my tips for marathon drinking: Water. Especially 24 oz BEFORE going to bed. Also drink something you don't especially like. (Mine is domestic light beer). You'll nurse it a little longer than say, Capt'n N Cokes.

And next time I see "the Owl" at the walgreen's checkout, I'm so buying that little cheater to help with menus in dark restaurants.

kimallaboutyou said...

And that sums it all up! Loved it, since I was one of the over 40 drinking girls!!! Lets hear if for Candy's Birthday tomorrow....she is still the youngest fairy princess of us all. Had a great time and look forward to many more. Love ya Citrus Candy

~E said...

Looks like I have much to look forward to! Or not look forward to.

I think if I start practicing the being drunk part now, by the time I get to 40 I should be good.

or dead from cirhossis. either way...GOOd TIMES!

delmer said...

I spent part of the Friday after Thanksgiving in a sailboat on the Charles River (At least that's what I said, over and over. It was The James in VA.) I'd intended to get a glow going on the boat and then "unglow" during our day-late Thanksgiving dinner.

I realized I couldn't drink like I used to when I noticed I seemed to be getting a bit more smashed even as I was shoveling turkey into my mouth while drinking Diet Pepsi.