Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Gift Concierge Extraordinaire: Dear Gift Bi*ch!

It's all about giving back this time of year. During the holiday gift giving season, wouldn't it be great to have your own personal concierge to help you with those "hard to get" people on your list? Today I offer you my services as your FREE, personal, gift idea bi*ch in the spirit of Christmas.

My specialty, of course, is in the beauty industry, although I am well trained in all matters to do with shopping. Drop me a question in the comment section of this post with your intended gift recipient, their gender, likes and dislikes, and an idea of your price point. No gift is too small(stocking stuffer, gag gift, etc) or too large (diamonds, cars, etc) and no question will go unanswered. Address it to: Dear Gift Bi*ch! and I will get back to you in the comment section of this post immediately with fabulous ideas and locations for you to purchase. I am at your service for the day! Take advantage of my expertise and this FREE service and I promise you won't be disappointed. Let me take the worry out of your gift giving needs this holiday season.

*I totally stole the idea for this post from the Legendary Whiskey Marie. Her Chef Awesome series was intended as a service to the community, not to be confused with the community service performed here as in keeping with the terms of my parole.


That damn expat said...

That's a cute idea but I have all my gifts figured out already.
Oh well, since you are whoring yourself out for us here goes:

Dear Gift Bi*ch,
I want to give myself an awesome present because, well, I deserve it.
I love all things girlie. Some jewelry or make up would be appreciated.
In the spirit of giving, I'm giving you free reign - no price range!

Poobomber said...

Dear Gift B*tch,

What can I buy myself for Christmas on a budget of around $40 ($60 if I skip the turkey dinner) that would give me years of entertainment?

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Dear That damn expat,
Right on girl! You know you derserve it. I have been known to occasionally put a small, fabulous wrapped gift under the tree for myself (this year included-I couldn't resist this wonderful, silk, Ed Hardy skull scarf for myself which I wrapped from the Skull Santa)

For you I recommend a wonderful, fun, lip gloss trio from Chanel.
The Chanel Mini Glossimer Trio comes with three wonderful, nuetral mini lip glosses (Chanel makes some of the best glosses in the biz) in an adorable, black, logo embossed case which can double as an evening clutch or a make-up bag for your purse. The price is $50.00 and can be found at any Nordstrom's Dept store.
the link is here: http://uma.chanel.com/makeup/-makeup-lips-gift-set-les-trois-levres-scintillantes-mini-glossimer-triolimited-edition-/product/MALPR36G

Also, Tiffany and Co have some great, new silver bracelets to choose from. Might I suggest the Tiffany Beaded Bracelet for $185.00. This design is an elegant, classic piece you will heart yourself for having. (The matching necklace then becomes a great gift idea for someone to give to you for say a birthday, anniversary, etc) If that's not your bag, then check out some of their new styles.

Because every good woman desreves a little Blue Box under their tree..Don't you agree?

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Dear Peebs,
I love that you want to gift yourself! After all you have been a very good boy all year-haven't you??!!!

My first suggestion is this handy "I Can't Even Drive Straight", A Gay Pride's Bumpersticker Postcard Book. The on line description of this $5.49 book is:

"Your guy can get his swerve on and state his position on and off the road with this bumper sticker postcard pack. Cards include the messages "If God Didn't Make Homosexuals, There Wouldn't Be Any," "Do Ask, Do Tell," and "I Can't Even Drive Straight."

and can be found here:


As for the entertainment, I would think placing one of these babies on the bumper of your car and watching what follows you home would be enough to keep you, (and us) entertained for some time to come.

Also you may want to consider a NetFlix Gift Subscription. Since you are staying in the $40.00 range, a two month subscription at $33.98 will get you two months of all the porn you can watch and you may still have enough left over to buy yourself a drink. You can select from good porn, bad porn, theme porn, soft porn or any porn that "tickles" your fetish.

After all you deserve it!

That damn expat said...

ooohhh I've spent ten minutes cruising the Tiffany site. Thank you!
And you are right, we all do deserve that little blue box!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Would it be in bad taste to ask for the Gift B!tch in the above photo for Christmas?

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Dear Mjenks,
Not at all! In fact, I will link you to the site I lifted the photo off of. What you choose to do with it from here is entirely none of my buisness. I am here to serve you. Glad I could help!


BTW-I guess I see it. She does have AUBURN highlights in her hair.

McGone said...

Dear Gift Bi*ch!

I have to buy a co-worker a gift for under ten dollars that starts with the letter Q. Seriously. And that should give you some insight as to why i have a hard time getting out of bed and coming here every morning.

Yours in Christ,

Scope said...

Dear Gift Bi*ch;

Sister, in your peer group, country, more Eddie Bauer than Tiffany (FYI - Don't think that you're not winning a STAR).

I was thinking a nice scarf/glove set from Macy's. (Bought the sister-in-law she hates a set from Nordsrum.). Something in the $50 range. I have already gotten her a puzzle like every year, but that damn Sass makes me feel like a perv for doing that now.

Help Gift Bi*ch, you're my only hope!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Dear McGone,
Ok, good one. So many ideas.
My first suggestion would be a $10.00 gift card to Quiznos Sub Shop which, if convieniently located, would be lunch on you.

Quiznos main site is here:

Hopefully you can use their on-line store locator to find one near you.

Also you may want to gift that special someone with some Q-tips.
Yes, those handy little ear cleaning tools now come in handy dispensers of all shapes and sizes. Some are convienient for travel and inexpensive so you could get a few sizes for your money to gift the user with a month or two's supply.

Then there is a $10.00 roll of quarters. Do you have metered parking at work? Possibly your recipient uses a laundramat for doing laundry. Or if it's a guy he could just slip it into his front pocket discretely and be the life of the office that day! That's a gift for all the ladies (and closeted men) in your office!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Dear Scope,
I am thinking that a wonderful, plush, Throw Blanket is a fabulous gift for that hard to buy someone. especially during the winter months, the warm and cozy Throw is a woman's best friend.
You say she is your sister-in-law? Then you sould have a good idea of her home decor. Also the blanket can be tailored to her personal style.

I love the Pottery Barn and they have a great selection of different throws here:


If she's preppy, like you indicated, the Argyle throw is a classic. (a little more than you wanted to spend, so sue me)

Also this Organic Cotton Knit Throw from West Elm is devine and $49.00!


West Elm also has some FABU candles. Check out the Simple Wood Frame Lanterns and the Footed Glass Hurricane lanterns here:
These are right in your price range.


I like the scarf and gloves idea. I found this yummy oatmeal Cable-knit scarf from Banana Republic for $49.00 and there are cute matching gloves with a nice leather strap here:


I also thought this was a unique spin on the traditional scarf:


With a gift from Banana, one can never go wrong.

Let me know if you want more suggestions!

LYDIA said...

Dear Gift B*tch,

Great advise so far! Sometimes I think we are twins...

Let's see. I should ask a question. Hmm.... Yes, I actually have one! I need to buy saki as a gift for someone to go with the saki/sushi set I bought for them. Any suggestions on a brand?

Thank you Gift B*tch!

Scope said...

Dearest Gift Bi*ch;

Now here's where I get in trouble: would www.theslanket.com fit, of not fit your suggestion? I think they look like a good idea. But I have been tragically mistaken in the past.

Also, I need a "Secret Satan" gift for a coworker that I don't really like much. $25 max. He's late 40's plays the cello recreationally, Jewish (if it matters), Gay (if it matters), an annoying pain in the ass, and the reason they hired me in to fix the crap he's made the last 6 years (it SO matters). He's a film buff. I was thinking a gift card to the local movie theatre chain or the "art house" theatre maybe? A dead rat with $25 shove in it's behind would be politically incorrect. But funny as hell.

I'm also thinking of spinning your idea, and gag fifting myself in the "Secret Satan". The way we are doing it, is that it's supposed to be annonymous, so I think I could pull it off.

And why would a team that is half Jewish, and the person running it is Jewish, why would they call it "Secret Santa" ("Satan" was a typo. Twice!) instead of "Secret Snowman"?

Oh wise and wonderful Gift Bi*ch of the East, I need your guidence.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Sorry, sorry, sorry..The Gift Bi*ch took a tiny, extended lunch break but I am back to service all your gift idea needs.

Dear Lydia,
Sake was a tough one. But fear not, I would never want to disappoint you!!The information I found was on this site:


There are over 113 brands to choose from with all different price ranges. I would suggest staying with an American brand of Sake, as it will be easier to find. Sake should be sold at almost all major liquor retailers or at any local Asian grocer or market.

Might I suggest you try a flavored Sake. Like the "Hana Fuji Apple Sake" or the "Hana Lychee Sake" because if you are planning on drinking it, this may make it alot easier. Sake tastes like ASS! Sorry, no easier way to say it. I Love the idea of accompanying the Sake with the Sake/Sushi set. Yes we are so alike.
Hope this helps!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Dearest Scope,
Fear not, the Gift Bi*th is here!
The Slanket is perfect! love the whole concept!! You know your sister better than I-But alas! it looks like it is completely sold out on that site.

Try this site instead:


As for "Satan" see my suggestions above for Poobomber or Peebs for gifts for that special Gay man in your life.
I do like the idea of a gift subscription to NetFlix for a month, if he is a "movie buff" as you say.

Could be a big hit with the guy and for your price range not a bad idea.

I think this is the BEST idea of all!! It's called OptINow and it enables the giver to do their part to end global poverty and hunger.
Check it out here:


I LOVE this idea!! It gives this guy, a complete douchbag, the chance to redeem himself and you, of course, will be the shining star for starting the chain. It should be very interesting to see what he does with it!! Doncha think!

~E said...

Dear Gift Lady (B*tch is such a negative word),

I have a dad who this year imposed a less than $50 limit on our gifts to him this year. I was planning on getting him a GPS unit but even I'm not stealthy enough to try to pass that off as costing $49.99. He likes James Bond movies but already has the full collection, he is very very handy but already has a garage full of tools. Hates ties, still has clothes in his closet with tags on them...



LYDIA said...

haha...I don't care much for saki either! But it's essential for the gift! I do like saki mixed with a plum wine? I will have to look for a flavored one... the only place they sell liquor in Utah is at the State liquor store and they don't have much of a variety. Wish me luck and thanks Gift Bitch! er, Bi*ch.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Dear ~E-
Dad's trying to keep his kiddies in check in this tough economic climate. I like it.

Ok, my first suggestion is a little more than the $50.00 price range but I think this gift is practical and he may love it! (plus you don't have to tell him)

These babies are DYNAMITE for that hard to gift guy.


The Ugg Ascot Slipper in China Tea. These are the ultimate slippers! I can't really even call them slippers because they are really more like shoes. They also come in black. They are leather slip-ons with shoe-like rubber soles and can be worn in the house or out and about. The slipper part is the fuzzy, cozy insides to delight the feet. I gifted My Guy with these last year (and he is not a slipper guy at all) and he loves them, wears them all the time and occasionally wears them to work. The kicker here is that they are $100.00 but well worth it and a great pair of kicks.

Other suggestions: Is your dad a golfer? A box of golf balls is a great gift for a golfer and come spring your dad will be thrilled to have his own supply.
Might I suggest these-as they are the Rolls Royce of golf balls:


Also if you are still interested in a GPS system, you can add the feature to his cell phone for a monthly fee. If he is a Verizon user the fee is $9.99 a month.
Check for details here:


If you want to get him a bunch of small things my suggestion is to suff a stocking full of goodies for him-each wrapped individually.
(this is my dad's favorite part of Christmas and something I must do for him every year)
Snoop around-what razors does he use? Shaving cream? shampoo? Deodorant? Is he a cook? Buy him some exotic spices. Is he a business man? A Cross pen is a great idea. A tiny framed photo of his favorite daughter for his desk is sure to make him smile daily. Does he have a favorite gum or mint? Stock him up. A Dunkin Donuts Gift card or Starbucks-wrap it up and throw it in. The key is to find the little things he loves and shower him with a stuffed to the brim stocking. I assure you he will LOVE it!

I hope this helps.

MelO said...

Great idea, Gift Bi*ch!!

I'm stealing the "I've made a donation in your name to the Human Fund" idea so I won't be needing your services.

HOWEVER, should you feel you purchased too many Chanel lip gloss trios, Tiffany's bracelets (as if there IS such a thing as too many... hmmph!), or Pottery Barn throws... YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME!!!! :D

BTW... VERY impressive solution for McGone... I thought for sure you'd say Q-tips, but I NEVER thought Quizno's......and for a $10 limit? Oh! Brilliant!! You are one brilliant gift bi*ch!

~E said...

I don't know about the first two but the last idea is DYNAMITE!!!

I'm gonna haul my butt over to his favorite stores tomorrow (unless I get snowed in) and start on that basket of random goodies right away.

You are my angel!!!

Oh p.s. my word verification is "phondle" ;)

Lisa said...

Dear Bitch,
I want to get the perfect gift for all my friends and family and I want to spend a total of about $35.
Broke with a big heart.


p.s. oh, and pick out something for yourself while you're at it!

Gwen said...

Great ideas, Gift B*tch! Sadly, my shopping is all done but I love your ideas. I'll remember you the next time I'm stumped.