Thursday, December 18, 2008

Robo Christmas Cop

I know I promised a short post today (so I lied), and I will try to condense this story as much as possible cuz it's a good one.

Last year at this time, I bought My Guy a 36" plasma TV for his new home office as his Christmas gift. As you may have read in a previous post here, I ended up getting him something better (the artist finished it before Xmas), so I needed to return the TV to the Costco Wholesale Warehouse I bought it at. The TV was big, and heavy, so it took myself and my wife (she is my cleaning girl and I call her my wife with all the love and respect that term implies) a great deal of effort to get it into my SUV. I drive over to Costco and when I get there, of course, there is NO parking. So I drive up to the main entrance, remembering that when I purchased the TV, I was able to pull right up to the front and get some assistance loading it into the car.

Let me now just give you the visuals so you can get a mental picture: Think horizontal. One horizontal being the front entrance, the other horizontal (about 30 yards directly in front of the entrance) being at least 10 EMPTY handicap parking spaces lining the front.

As I am pulling up to the front I notice an employee standing outside smoking a cigarette. Since I can't stop here and block the flow of traffic building up behind me (remember I have the entrance on one side and row of EMPTY handicap parking on the other and not much room in between), I pull into the first handicap space, leave my car running, and get out to walk the 10 yards or so to ask the smoking employee how I would go about getting some help with the huge TV. She tells me NOT to park there because I will most certainly get a ticket, but to back it out and pull up to the front so she can call another employee to come with a dolly to assist me.
OK, the whole exchange took about 10 seconds and I have not walked more than 5 yards away from my car, which is of course, still running. Right? So I get back into my car and as I am about to pull out of the space, I see a police cruiser come flying up behind me, skidding to a halt directly behind my car. Not good.

It must have been my lucky day because none other than Robo Cop, fully flanked from head to toe in black riot fatigues with a black sniper hat on his head, steps out of the cruiser. He approaches my vehicle and I roll the window down to explain what is taking place.

Before I can even utter a word, Robo Cop, who is now red faced, snarls from his teeth, "License and registration." This is how the exchange goes:

ME: Officer, I have a huge TV in the back and I was just ask....
ROBO:(face getting redder, still snarling through his bared teeth) I SAID license and registration. You are in violation parked in a handicapped space. License and registration Ma'am.(he is now swaying back and forth on his feet)
ME: (fumbling for my license and reg) Officer, can I just explain? You see I was trying to get some hel...
ROBO: Unless you have a handicap placard hanging from your rear view mirror, which I don't see, you are in VIOLATION, so there is nothing to explain.
ME: I was asking that employee over there the best way to get some help with the large TV in the back of my car.
ROBO: (yelling to the employee who is still standing there) I CAN'T DO MY JOB BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. YOU CAN'T TELL SHOPPERS TO PARK HERE....
ME: (interrupting him this time) She didn't tell me to park here. In fact she told me not to park here. I left my car running and was asking her about some help.
ROBO: (holding his black, gloved hand, up to the employee) Sorry Ma'am. (now to me) You are in VIOLATION. (spitting) Now, I'm going to ask you one more time; LICENSE and REGISTRATION!
ME: (handing it to him thinking to myself, "keep your cool Candy". The whole "batting my eyelashes" thing is now out the window because Robo here is way too jacked for a big bust) Officer, can I get out of my car and show you the enormous box in the back?
ROBO: You can do whatever you want, still doesn't change the fact that you are in VIOLATION!

Don't ask me why, but I get out of my car and go to the back of my car to show him the big box.

ME: See, this is far too big for me to get it inside by myself. I didn't even turn off my car. I never intended to park here. I pulled in so I wouldn't block traffic and I was just asking for some help. I never even walked more than 5 yards away from running my car.
ROBO: (No reply. Still rocking back and forth on his feet staring at my license)
ME: (waiting a good 10-15 seconds in silence) No Christmas spirit, huh?

Robo then walks over to the cruiser and gets in. I get back into my car and sit and wait. After about 5 minutes, Robo pulls the cruiser up a whole 2 feet and comes over to my open window.

ROBO: Ma'am, move your car immediately to the front of the store.
ME: I can't, your cruiser is too close. Can you move it up a little more?

Robo makes no reply but walks over to the back side of the cruiser and stands with his arms folded. I now know there is no way I am not getting a ticket for the VIOLATION and that Robo is going to bust my balls to the fullest extent, so I move my car. It took about a 25 point turn to get my SUV out of the handicap space because, I swear to you, Robo hardly moved the cruiser up enough for me to get out AND he stood there, arms folded, red faced, watching me. At one point, while making the 25 point turn, I said to him through my open window, "officer if your going to stand there your going to have to forgive me if I run over your foot".

I get the car to the front and he gets back into the cruiser. I get out and stand there thinking about what to say to this complete DICK without getting into trouble. He comes out and hands me the $100.00 ticket. I take the ticket but not without saying to him (and it's all I could think of at that moment):
ME: Officer you have been EXTERMELY rude and I hope that Santa brings you COAL in your stocking!
He turns and walks away. End of story right?? No-I must have been a very good girl last year because I got my revenge on Robo-jacked up on ROID rage-Cop in two great ways.

The first: After all the hub bub, an employee came out to help me immediately. We get the TV out of the car and I go park LEGALLY, then get into the retun line at the front of the store. Well who works at the return desk? None other than Smoking Employee. When she sees me she comes right over to me to say that the cops behavior was completely out of line and unnecessary. She tells me that she was all shook up from him yelling at her and I tell her that my heart is still pounding and my adrenaline pumping from the entire exchange. While we are talking, I look up and see Robo Cop coming around the corner. I couldn't help myself but to glare at him and he matched my glare, our eyes locked in a predatory stare. As he walks in my direction, he has the BALLS to smile a snarky grin at me. I look right at him as he is passing me and say loud enough for all the people in line to hear, "Merry Christmas," and just as he goes by me, out of my eyesight I then say, "RAMBO".

Oh yeah, that felt way too good!! Even though I got him verbally, he still got me because I was the one with the $100.00 ticket in hand. But not for long!!!HAHAHAHAHA!

The Second: I called My Guy immediately who knows all cops in that town because he grew up with them and lucky for me, Robo's boss is My Guys good friend. I was able to rip up the ticket and can you believe Robo told his boss that I WAS MEAN! HA! All I have to say to him if he is reading this is, "Dude, get off the roids and Merry Christmas douchebag!"


Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

What an ASSHOLE. Seriously, I just don't get that. What was the point? I'm glad you were able to rip up the ticket-and down here in FL that ticket is $250. He MUST be on steroids...

Julia said...

Good for you!! What a DICK!!!!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

One summer in college, I worked for a mail processing plant that employed handicapped folks. It was a sort of a place where they could work and earn money for themselves, but people were still there to help them.

Well, one of my duties was to drive a set mail route everyday. We had permission from every place to use the handicapped spots because I was in and out in under 30 seconds.

One day, some asshat comes up to me as I've just finished my swooping in and getting the mail and knocks on my window.

"You're in a handicapped parking spot. Not cool, dude."

"For one, don't call me dude. For two, I have permission."

"Not cool, dude. Don't park there ever again."

"Do you know what kind of services we provide?"

"Doesn't matter. That's for handicapped people only. Don't park there again, dude."

"Listen, you call me dude one more time, and you're going to be the one needing the handicapped spot."

"Are you threatening me, dude? I have a mind to speak to your supervisor."

"Number's one the side of the van. If you need it, I'll be back here tomorrow. Same time. Same spot."

He started spouting something else, but I rolled my window up and left. I think he called my boss and my boss said, "Do you know what kind of services we provide?" Asshat.

Lisa said...

ROFL. Great story!
and the eyelash batting almost always works... jerk.

I bet he did get coal.

LYDIA said...

I would have been furious! I love that Rambo thought you were the mean one.... What a baby!

Dr Zibbs said...

Always start by undoing a button or two and crying.

Scope said...

There are somepeople who shoild never be given power or authority, because they will use it to be DICKS. And that's one reason why I should NEVER be given POWER or AUTHORITY.

For some reason, I thought SUPER COP was just going to be a Mall Cop, who dreamed of joining the force.
Just be glad he didn't ask you to preform the "special breathalizer" test to get out of the ticket. Those guys can be creepy like that.

My word verification is "hurter".

That damn expat said...

You big old meanie!

Andy said...

What a jerk, but I'm glad you gave him what-for. I wish you would've run over his foot haha

Joe D. said...

Knowing myself I would have made an off color comment. . .or five. Then proceeded to getting beaten or shot to death by six or seven of his biys

~E said...

HAHAHAHAHAH!!! I have a date with a cop in a few days. Thanks for giving me dinner conversation.

Oh and P.S. Merry Christmas Douchbag indeed!

Scope said...

You've been tagged to post a CRAPPY GIFT! Follow the link for details.