I'm Gonna Need Some Serious A** Kissing, A Friday Rant

Dear You Don't Get It,

Kiss my ass. Really, because you just don't get it. You think you are the only one out there who has what I need? Well, you aren't. There are LOTS of other places out there to find what I need. So again, kiss my FAT ass! 



I'm done with you and your games.

I can't understand your logic. You will loose on this one, like you lost on the last one. Remember, YOU LOST. Didn't you learn from that? I gave you legit credibility and you turned your nose up at it so kiss my ass. 

Look, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. I know you are playing hardball, and I expected as much. But this? You are going to loose again because now you are being unreasonable. Good luck babe, you aren't the only game in town. See, that's me up there with my ass waving goodbye as I walk away. See it? Kiss it! Kiss my fat ass.

I hope you realize that this is a down economy in an election year and your little game isn't going to gain any friends. In fact, I know you are loosing friends. That much is certain or you wouldn't have needed me in the first place. You know I'm right. Get your head out of your ass and onto my ass and start kissing it, cuz that's what we need to get the deal done.

Smarten up because the clock is ticking. Grab my ass now before someone else starts kissing it.

Don't say I didn't give you a shot. My ass is waiting.

xoxox-
Me

Heroine In Heaven

Nora Ephron has left the building.

And while I never knew the woman who would turn out to be the essayist, Oscar nominated screen writer and movie director of a generation, I knew her well. Or should I say she knew us well, the "us" being women everywhere. Norma had a unique gift. She could see it then she could write about it.

She could write the hell out of anything and she caught the attention of people in her profession early in her career at The Post. When she fell into Hollywood, quite by mistake, Ephron's prose was so real and funny that it was hard not to see her genius. She turned her divorce from Watergate journalist, Carl Bernstein into literary and Hollywood gold with her novel "Heartburn", which was turned into a screen play and she never looked back. Not bad when you have Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson playing out your life story. Her many screen writing credits brought her the opportunity to direct and in 1993, she landed her first hit with "Sleepless In Seattle".

She continued to succeed as woman in the exclusive boys club in Hollywood and her credits are impressive. "When Harry Met Sally", "You've Got Mail" and "Julie & Julia" to name a few. Oh, to be a fly on the wall in the mind of Nora's genius. Today, as I read the articles and obits on this legendary lady, one specific essay stands out. Interesting that it was not written for Hollywood or for publication. It was written as a Commencement Address to the 1996 graduates of Wellesley College, her  alma mater. She talked about how upon her entrance to Wellesley, in the fall of 1958, there had been an article in the Harvard Crimson stereo typing women's colleges. Wellesley, it said, was a school for tunicata-(a fish who spend the beginnings of life swimming around exploring the ocean and the second part of life lying on the ocean floor breeding). Nora went on to recall how 25 years later, everyone of her classmates still remembered the definition of the tunicata.

Long story short, the world of Wellesley in those days so long ago, taught Nora and her classmates that they were in college attendance to marry success not achieve success. It would seem that Nora made a career out of proving them wrong. Be your own heroine.

And those words certainly resonate with me.

In closing her Commencement Address Nora said this, and I will remember this always and make it a mantra:

"Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope that you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women."

Look And Find

So my BFF sent me this and it totally stumped me for a few days. 

It was entitled "The Hokey Pokey". 

Tell me what do you see?

The Art Of The Deal

I wish I were this guy today.

I'm in the process of making a deal and my business "green" is showing. I'm taking a big risk here and I'm negotiating with some serious sharks. Do they smell blood in the water? It all boils down to this: risk vs. reward. Can I risk it? Will the reward be great? Or not so great?

My gut tells me this is it. This is the one. What would The Donald say? What advice would he give little Miss Greeny?

 “I like thinking big. I always have. To me it’s very simple: if you’re going to be thinking anyway, you might as well think big.” Donald Trump.


Think big? That's what my dad keeps saying. And if I'm worried about the risk, then I shouldn't be at the table with the sharks. I may be green, but one thing I know about me is that I am tenacious. Is this a crisis or is this an opportunity? It's a challenge and I have never been one to turn my back on a challenge.

One thing is for sure.

This is going to be one hell of a ride.

Monday Mashup

• Yooouuuuuukkkk! We are going to miss you buddy. Always good for a big hit, the consummate Red Sox, your funky stance in the batters box was legendary. Thanks for the memories and the two World Championships you helped us get. You will always be welcome here. I don't believe any of the crap they are dishing out. When they say it's not personal, it's business, don't believe them. Valentine didn't like you. Salute to the skipper! Love you dude, Godspeed in Chicago. 

• Obama is in my hometown today! He is digging up cash for his campaign from the Richie Rich's that live in this town. Holy blue state! No check writing Democrat wants to forget that Gore lost New Hampshire in 2000. Obama's peeps are taking note and leaving no electoral vote stone unturned. If you've got $18,000.00 you too, can sit with Barry and Michelle for dinner. Any takers?

• Clint Eastwood's 18 year-old daughter is having sex with her boyfriend. Thank you Mrs. Eastwood and Company. I'm sure her father is thrilled that now the entire E watching world knows that.

• One week down in Uganda, and I haven't heard a word from Frack. They told us that no news is good news. I guess.

• Did Dr Oz just jump shark?And if he did I'm pissed about it. He has teamed up with Montel Williams to endorse these weight loss supplements and when I saw Montel on his show, Dr. Oz immediately lost credibility. So Montel is in great shape and he has written a few diet and exercise books, but isn't he the same guy who can get you a short term, cash advanced loan? Why should I believe him now just because Dr. Oz says so? I'm not buying it and Dr Oz just fell off the"his word is law" pedestal.

Oh, For Friday's Sake.

Oh yeah, it's Friday! It's been a hell of a long week bloggers and I gotta tell you I am ready for some weekend.

Summer is here and it's time to enjoy and that's what I intend to do. Latesha here looks ready for the weekend too. You go girl! You gotta love a lady who's not afraid to let it all hang out!!

Happy Weekend Bloggers and don't be afraid to let your freak flag fly.

We Were A Groovy Bunch

Every time I see this show it brings me back to my childhood. A happy time in my life, being the youngest of five, I sometimes caught a similarity to the Brady's life and the one that I was living. I could relate, which is probably why it was one of my favorites. I would be the Cindy in my family, and I can compare almost every Brady to one of our family. They had one more than we did, but we were nonetheless every bit as super goofy and fun as the Brady's.

Dare I say, we were a bit more sinister. 

My older brother and sisters were more daring than Marcia, Greg and Jan. They used to steal mom and dad's cars, have rousting parties when they weren't home and smoke cigarettes and drink beer with their friends in the pool area after dark. The Brady's would never do that. Or the Brady's would never do that on TV. My brothers used to fight till someone drew blood, yet you know that Peter absolutely idolized Greg and would never come to blows with him. 

Yes, my sisters fought over clothes and boys, and I remember the vicious battles over the sweaters, but Jan and Marsha always shared their stuff peacefully. Or so it seemed. In my family those "sharing" issues between sibling still remain today. In the TV world of the Brady's family issues were dealt with in 30 minutes or less. Is there a Brady playbook for handling teenage angst in 30 minutes or less?  It would be no less than literary gold.

So what did we learn from Mike, Carol, Alice and the clan, and why were we so mesmerized by this pseudo TV family? The answer lies in our idealization of the American family. The Brady's epitomize the traditional American family, because they are were not traditional at all. They were a blended family yet never was the word "step" used to describe a Brady. In fact, after the beginning theme song was over, you forgot that "this group must somehow form a family" and you bought into their world. Part of every kid who watched and worshiped them, wanted to be one of them. 

And so, in our own way, we too were like the Brady's. My family posed for a secret anniversary picture for mom and dad, we wrote letters to our favorite football heroes to help out a sibling, we got our noses broke by an errant ball here and there, and we may have used the words, "far out" and "groovy" to describe life. But most of all I think that in the archives of our lives, deep down, the Brady's gave us the validation that family was what mattered. Their tales and antics made ours seem special. That we too, were sort of like them. 

And every time I catch it on TV Land, I have to watch it. It brings me an unexplained peace that I never knew existed. It's a peace that only a child feels when they know they are loved and that they are safe. 

Isn't It Ironic?

http://failblog.org/tag/irony/

I Was Just Thinking....

• Real men don't cry. Real men don't lie either. Roger Clemens was acquitted yesterday of all charges that he lied to Congress when he denied using performance enhancing drugs to extend his baseball career. What the? I can't believe it. We all know he lied about using so how could the jury not know? His friends, his trainer, those closest to him all took the heat to protect The Rocket and his good name. They admitted, under oath, to being injected with steroids, but we are expected to believe that Roger wouldn't? And for that matter, what good name? Clemens has tarnished, torched and blew up that name so that he can pretend that he never used steroids.  And that's the thing with liars, their lies become truths in their own minds. And now those blurred lines have a verdict to fuel their fire. Still won't get him into Cooperstown.  
• It's five o'clock somewhere. Actually, it's 4 o'clock in the afternoon in Uganda where Frack is now spending day one of his three week mission. They arrived early this morning about 12:40 am EST and are halfway through day one of the expedition. I pray he takes good care of himself and the group, as he was voted Team Leader. Wouldn't it be great if I could get him to "Team Lead" his homework this fall? I miss that kid so much already and it's only day one. One day at a time, mom.
• Long live Rock! So I'm watching TV last night and I see this Pet Smart commercial about the new Brett Michaels Pet's Rock collection for your pets. It's an exclusive line designed by the rocker that offers, bowls, beds, toys, leashes and apparel for that Rock Star pet in your life. Brett Michaels? Isn't that the guy that won the Celebrity Apprentice a while back? Is this what that trophy gets you? Somewhere the Gods of Rock and Roll are having a good, hearty laugh about this one. And speaking of Rock and Roll, I'm thinking I'd like to go and see the "Rock of Ages" movie this weekend. The theater geek in me will not be denied, but the Tom Cruise fan, even though I think he's a douche, wants to watch Cruise make history. Rumor has it there are some stellar performances from Cruise, Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin. Worth the take, I say. 
• Forever a Townie. I watched "The Town" last night. I had never seen it and dang, if that wasn't a great movie. Jeremy Renner was fabulous but Ben Affleck??(be still my heart) was HAWT! Who knew a Boston accent could be so sexy? This guy could steal my heart any day, and I didn't even know I liked him. The movie, based on the novel, "The Prince of Thieves" is set in Charlestown, MA and Affleck and his group of thugs are major bank thieves. This one never stops delivering from start to finish and if you haven't seen it, like me, I highly recommend it. Two Daily Dandy thumbs way up!

Tater Tale

So I heard this great story over the weekend, and I thought I would share it with you.

The book above was written by a local guy, who created, "The Adventures of Pat The Potato" to explain to a young family member about the size of one's heart and what can happen when a young potato finds the courage to succeed. It is a story about a very small, second grade potato who leaves home to get away from the ridicule of being the smallest potato in town. Written for his young family member who was struggling with peer pressure, the book became family lore and was then accidentally introduced to a publisher.

Mr. Gannon, flabbergasted that someone found his children's tale interesting enough to publish, was overjoyed to learn that not only did his tale about Pat sell, but the book was quickly adopted by the Potato Museum in Idaho as their pseudo "mascot" book. The sales of the book from the visitors of the museum and the sales on Amazon.com have been good and Michael Gannon couldn't have been more surprised.

Mr. Gannon relayed how amazed he is every month when he opens his small royalties check from book sales. The publisher has since asked Mr. Gannon to write another book. He has declined, of course, because the story came from an idea he had to help a young family member to understand that it's ok to be small and that sometimes being small sometimes has it's advantages. Never claiming to be an author, Mr. Gannon decided that Pat the Potato would be his only literary effort.

An effort like that, it seems, is no small potato.

Friday Freak Fest

Happy Friday Bloggers!  Today's edition of The Daily Dandy is lovingly brought to you by those freaks at Wally World, where the freaks just keep on getting freakier. Thank God.

And away we go..

"Jesse knew it might have been a mistake to let Uncle Earl and Cousin Luther decorate the car for the wedding."

"Pam rejoiced in letting the kids decorate the car." LOVE this! You go girl!!

OK? Tell me this isn't hilarious? 

You know that this pic is the mother's Facebook avatar. 

Because of the recent recessional economy, Walmart had been forced to hire non-union delivery people. 

EWWWW. I almost feel bad for her. Do you think she knows? Denial ain't a river in Egypt...

Black and white. Artsy? or more like Fartsy?

(I completely stole the idea for that quote from peopleofwalmart.com. I thought it was just so perfect)

Here's a couple a honey's for my boy Heff. BUT, I know Heffy better than that. He'd only hit the blonde.

And this one made me almost loose my breakfast. This one is so wrong on so many levels so where do I begin? The horror. The hygiene. In the biggest cesspool of dangerous germs, the lady decides to SIT ON THE TOILET?

What is wrong with people these days?

Have a great weekend Bloggers and PLEASE, don't sit on any public bathroom toilet seats for the love of God.

It Can't Be That Bad, Can it?

Funny True Happenings To Make You Laugh on Thursday

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000 USD. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from tree hugging onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale. 

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe, leaving her mentally retarded.

In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from 'flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his 'phone and electricity had been cut off.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

There now. Your day's not so bad, is it?

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/index_thu.htm

I Freakin' Hate Bugs

So I just got finished reading my buddy Scope's post about spiders, and it got me to thinking about bugs and how much I hate them.

Sorry bugs, I hate you. All of you.

Then I got to thinking about Frack and about how my baby boy is leaving in 5 short days to travel to Uganda on a three and a half week mission. Going on a mission to help build a school in an impoverished country is a great opportunity for Frack. He will be seeing and doing things that most kids his age may never get the chance to do and learning important survival and life skills.

But they cautioned us about the bugs.

Mainly the mosquitoes, and in Uganda they carry diseases like Malaria. Frack has gotten all of the necessary shots for his trip abroad, but I'm SUPER paranoid about the mosquitoes. The kids have already start taking anti-malaria medications now, and will continue during their entire three and a half weeks there, then for a week after they return home. You have to know it's a concern when the packing list and itineraries all require a treated mosquito net for sleeping,  I started talking to all the other moms and we all decided that if we can treat the mosquito net for sleeping, then we can treat the clothes for wearing. And the sleeping bags, and their shoes and clothes and their back packs and whatever else is accompanying them on their journey. I just decided to treat the shit out of everything.

Cuz I freakin' hate bugs. And I especially hate mosquitoes. In Uganda.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate Uganda. Uganda was voted one of the best places to travel to in 2012, and I couldn't be happier that my son will get to experience this beautiful country on an exhibition, I just hate the Ugandan mosquitoes and bugs. And then there is a long laundry list of other things I am worried about. Of course the helicopter mom is worried about everything but despite my worries, I recognize that it's time for Frack to spread his 16 year-old wings and fly.

I just don't want him flying around with the bugs that carry disease.

Holy Crap!

So this is how I'm feeling today.

The world is being held together with duct tape. Dang, something better give for me in the universe soon because I'm ready yet I'm hanging on by the crack of my butt!

Like duct tape, I'm strong and I stick to it. (and I also come in many fashion colors...)
This too shall pass, and the need for the duct tape will be diminished.

and the rainbow is just at the horizon.

It was a whirlwind, but that's exactly how I like it.

• Frick's party was a great time. The kids, the family, the neighbors, even the dogs enjoyed themselves. Buddy was caught more than once stealing someone's plate of food off their table.The weather was great, we had a huge Texas style BBQ and lots of Fred Flintstones, carnivore, meat eating took place. It was a great way to cap off Frick's high school career.

• The Celtics LOST. That sucked big time and was not a great way to cap off the party, but life goes on. I still love those boys! They have a hell of a lot of heart and soul and managed to give us playoff excitement almost every year. The difference I see? You gotta make baskets. Plain and simple and if you are not making clutch baskets in the clutch, you go home early. Go Green.

• I spent the entire day yesterday cleaning my house from top to bottom. I'm afraid to admit this, but I kinda liked it. As much as I dreaded starting the process, once I got going I realized that, Hey, I'm good at this. I went crazy too. I vacuumed, moped, wiped down, broke down tables and boxes. I filled trash bags and tried my best to recycle responsibly and when it was over, it was nice to enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done. But don't get me wrong here: Next time I'm hiring a cleaning crew. Don't judge.

• Fire is good. I love our fire pit. We are beginning to make loads of great memories made out there and I love the fact that Frick and Frack and their friends are coming along to join in. I have learned some new things about my kids and their friends out there, just "conversating".(I made that word up) My parents even sat down with us Saturday night and we had an all out, four alarm, fun, family fire pit. My dad was so comfortable, he even took his shoes off. Good times.

• Change is a coming. I can almost taste it and I'm wondering if it's appetizing or not. Stay tuned.

Living The Crazee Life

Hey Bloggers! 
Happy Friday. It's been a long week and I'm ready to party.
My BFF sent this to me and I thought I'd share it with you. 

Happy Weekend everybody and try not to become one of these statistics. 


Life Explained by Graphs

Special Is As Special Does

I had the WORST day yesterday. I mean the worst.

It started out bad and got worse as the day progressed. It wasn't just one thing but a culmination of a lot of things and I was quietly, secretly trying to hold it together. Then, the biggest hit of all came and it was like a tidal wave of bad about the one thing that you can get me with 10 out of 10 times. My kids. And this time it wasn't just one, it was both.

As you know, we have been in celebratory mode around here with Frick graduating and all, and it all culminates this weekend with a big, blow out, $$oiree for her on Saturday. It's the party she never had, but I think she deserves and I made sure to "order it up from the caterer" (this will make sense in a minute) Then the blow came and it left me sick to my stomach.

I'm still in limbo over my feelings, and as I sit here today and wait for the rental company (that there is no turning back on), to come and set up the massive tent, tables, chairs and dance floor, I have to ask myself, "What the hell are you doing?". Then like a little grace from God, just when I had asked for it and needed it, it came to me in my morning paper. It's not really the answer, because there is no answer, but it's a statement. A mission statement to all those parents who are feeling like I am right now.

A local English teacher addressed the students at commencement last weekend and his speech entitled, "You're  Not Special" put it into perspective for me. He said what needed to be said to all of us parents and students and overachievers who think our shit doesn't stink. Boy are we wrong.

Basically it was a much needed bitch slap to all of us who get caught up in the race for perfection.

"You are not special. You are not exceptional.

Contrary to what your u9 soccer trophy suggests, your glowing seventh grade report card, despite every assurance of a certain corpulent purple dinosaur, that nice Mister Rogers and your batty Aunt Sylvia, no matter how often your maternal caped crusader has swooped in to save you... you’re nothing special."

Was my cape really that obvious?

What the heck? It was like this guy was talking directly to me and his words were never truer. He did what needed to be done and he told it like it needs to be told. As a parent in the community, an educator and mentor, he gave it to them straight, just like the real world undoubtedly will. 

"Yes, you’ve been pampered, cosseted, doted upon, helmeted, bubble-wrapped. Yes, capable adults with other things to do have held you, kissed you, fed you, wiped your mouth, wiped your bottom, trained you, taught you, tutored you, coached you, listened to you, counseled you, encouraged you, consoled you and encouraged you again. You’ve been nudged, cajoled, wheedled and implored. You’ve been feted and fawned over and called sweetie pie. Yes, you have. And, certainly, we’ve been to your games, your plays, your recitals, your science fairs. Absolutely, smiles ignite when you walk into a room, and hundreds gasp with delight at your every tweet. Why, maybe you’ve even had your picture in the Townsman! And now you’ve conquered high school... and, indisputably, here we all have gathered for you, the pride and joy of this fine community, the first to emerge from that magnificent new building...

But do not get the idea you’re anything special. Because you’re not."

Guilty as charged and justly so, because we may have taught our over scheduled, over achieving children that it's more about the medal and less about the race. He then goes on to encourage the graduates to pursue a more fulfilling life, one that puts the focus on hard work and achieving. Because Frack's three week trip to Uganda this summer NEEDS to be about the children they are helping and the school they are building, not the resume he is building. The irony is not lost on me. 


“The fulfilling life, the distinctive life, the relevant life, is an achievement, not something that will fall into your lap because you’re a nice person or mommy ordered it from the caterer.”


Amen to that. Because I will certainly remember it this Saturday as I'm cutting the check to the caterer. 

The Thief Among us

So I go into my favorite little gas station/variety store this morning and I see the owner behind the counter. He and I are on a first name basis and we exchange pleasantries. After a few moments of this and that, I ask him where "Bobby" is?

Now "Bobby" is the regular attendant who, for the past 5-6 years, has been faithfully behind the counter at the convenience stop. Close to my home, the gas/convenience store is a place that my entire family uses for gas, lotto, scratch tickets, milk, eggs, etc. on our way to and from home.  "Bobby" if you remember, was the guy that told me the story of what turned out to be one of The Daily Dandy's most popular posts entitled, "Desperately Dirty Housewives." We knew about his new baby, his wife and I even knew him before he got married three years ago, when he was a single guy looking for fun.

So, this morning, it was a natural response to walk into the store and inquire about "Bobby." The owner of the shop replies, "Bobby" stole a large sum of money from my safe, lottery tickets and cash from the register and fled the country."

"Huh?" I blinked. More than once.

"Are you kidding me?" I said. He wasn't kidding. A couple of days ago "Bobby" never showed up for work. The owner called all over looking for him. He called his wife, his friends but no one knew where "Bobby" was. Then, hours later the owner got a call on his cell phone from a strange number. He answered it and it was "Bobby" who was rude and told him that he stole money and that he was in another country and that he was never coming back.

"It was almost like a F-you, you suck," the store owner said. "Thanks for everything."

He then told me that he had taken....get this, the CUSTOMERS for money. What? I couldn't believe it so I questioned him further. He told me that "Bobby" turned on the water works and gave an Oscar worthy, good guy, down on his luck, performance to some of the regulars. "So are you saying they just, like, cut him a check, right there on the spot?" I asked.

Evidently people are that stupid, or generous, or whatever you want to call it. I can't say I might not have fallen for it if he had asked me, because "Bobby" was someone I felt like I knew. In a small way, yet I thought I knew who he was, enough to believe him if he said he was in trouble. That's the thing, you think you know someone and then you find out you don't know them at all.

So here's the question:
Does that make you stupid?
or
Does that make the other person a deviant genius?

I've often posed that question to myself.

What Time Is It?

Ok, so I suck.

It's 1:35 EST and I still haven't completed my blog post for today. I'm sorry. I had an 8:30 meeting this morning (keep fingers crossed for me, good things) and then I got to work and started to compose a blog post for you and I got slammed with customers. That's a very good thing because suddenly there is a sudden run on the stuff at The Candy Bar, but not so good for my Daily Dandies!!!!

C'mon back tomorrow and I will finish the story I was trying to tell you today. It's a good one too.

You think you know someone....