Tuesday, January 19, 2010

They Always Win

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less
(2) don't ask for money all the time
(3) are easier to train
(4) normally come when called
(5) never ask to drive the car
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people
(7) don't smoke or drink
(8) don't want to wear your clothes
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...


the walking man said...

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

Amend this to:(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, enter only naked.

that will keep the casual visitor away.

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

LOVE it!!!

SkylersDad said...

I love this! Dogs are the best.

Bill Stankus said...

Yes, too bad we can't sell our children, especially during the ages of 12 to 21. Also, doggies are most excellent home protectors.

Scott Oglesby said...

I loved this post. This was a true flash of your creativity and brilliance! Our Dachshund is the neediest dog I’ve ever had in my life, and I’ve had a few. He can not be away from you for more than 38 seconds before he begins a high pitched howl.

LegalMist said...

they "don't hang out with drug-using people"

Possibly true - but I did have an alcoholic Cocker Spaniel once. He used to go from person to person at our backyard pool parties, sneaking up on them and drinking from their plastic cups that were sitting next to them while they dangled their feet in the pool and chatted, all unaware. If someone left a cup sitting unattended on a table, he'd jump up and knock it over, then lap up the beer that spilled. He'd stumble around, pass out, then wake up all thirsty and hung over the next morning.

Then he'd head out back to where the empty keg was and sit and drool at it.

BeckEye said...

Dogz rule!

Slyde said...

that was awesome!

The Dental Maven said...

That's BRILLIANT!!! I do love me some dogs.

Tatyana Vinogradsky said...

Hehhehee. Awesome. And it's true- "you don't live here. They do." That's right haters, suck it.

Mrs. Holly Hall said...


oh how I miss me Henry!!


Scope said...

Is that a Standard King sized bed, or a California King sized bed? Trying to get the dimmensions right in my mind.

Cora said...

If they get pregnant, you can sell their children! Baahahahahahahaha!!!! You just made my day!


Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Excellent messages for 4-pawed friends and 2-legged acquaintances.