Tuesday, May 15, 2012
What A Bit*h
I woke up this morning with a memory I'm not proud of. I decided to share it with you so that I may find some forgiveness for the sin I committed.
Back in the early 80's, I was a high school freshman, just beginning to feel my oats as a young, pretty girl. I was finally one of the "coolies" as my dad used to tease us, and with my new found status, I had several choices for a date to the Freshman Semi-formal dance. For some God forsaken reason, I decided to listen to my mother and let her fix me up with her friend from work's little brother who was the same age as I was. I remember the excitement that would build every time my mom assured me that "Carl" was handsome, sweet and fun. After all, his sister Marina was gorgeous, she had dark hair and I remember her big brown eyes and flawless make-up.
I told all of my friends about my special date, and how nice and handsome he was. Soon word got around about my mystery man, and my friends were curious and inquisitive. All I knew was that this guy was great, and I could hardly wait to meet him. I made arrangements to attend a pre-dance party at one of my friends home and then to drive over to the school dance with another couple. (our parents would be driving, of course) Soon the night came and I could hardly wait to meet my Prince Charming. It's funny, I don't remember the dress I was wearing, (I think it was white) or what anyone else was wearing, but I remember everything about Carl.
My heart was racing when I saw Marina's white car pull into the driveway. I waited in the kitchen and as I heard my mom answer the door and invite them in. My pulse quickened as a huge smile crept across my face. Then Carl walked in. It was as if the band in the soundtrack of my life had just played a rousting rendition of the blooper music, because Carl was nothing like I had imagined. He had dark hair, like his sister, that was perfectly coiffed in a Deney Terrio style and he was wearing a dark suit and tie, but all I saw was his NOSE. And it was that big.
My heart, the one that had been giddy with school girl anticipation, dropped into my stomach and stayed there for the rest of the night. I greeted Carl, exchanged pleasantries and we soon left for the party. I remember being PISSED. I felt like I had been duped, and what I did next I'm not proud of.
When we got to the party, I ditched Carl faster than The Flash and left him to the dogs. You see, all my friends were curious about my mystery man and so when we arrived, he was pretty popular from all angles. Everyone questioning him about this and that. But when the questions had been exhausted, Carl and his NOSE were left alone in a strange place, all alone, to sit and wonder what his sister had gotten him into.
I think I must have talked to Carl again at the party, because he left with me, but once we got to the dance, my super hero powers were working over time, because I ditched that guy quick. WHAT A BITCH. And looking back now, who the hell did I think I was? Poor Carl. I'm not sure if he had a good time or not, because I hardly saw him at all that night. I think I saw him dancing with someone, but I can't be sure. Anytime Carl came near me I jetted off in another direction and quick. And the hardest part for me to swallow is that I didn't care. I somehow felt justified for my actions, because I had been duped. WHAT A BITCH. Poor Carl was a complete gentleman, in the five minutes of my time I granted him that evening and I was that cold-hearted, stuck up bitch I so hated.
Looking back, Carl was not bad looking at all. His nose was big, yes, but if I think hard enough, he looked exactly like a large nosed Ralph Macchio and I remember him being polite and sweet, even after I treated him like dirt. Was looks all that mattered to me at that time? I guess so. What a tragedy.
Carl, if you are reading this today I want you to know that I am sorry and that 30 years later I am still sorry for the way that I treated you. I hope that God gave you a reward for withstanding what was probably your worst date EVER and if I ever meet you again, I OWE you one. A BIG one.
Who knows? Maybe somewhere, Carl has his own blog and he's already told the story of his bitchy and horrible date. I'm sure all his readers assured him that she was just not worthy of him.