Friday, June 5, 2009

This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You

The story I'm about to tell borders on TMI, but sometimes the most amazing things happen when you don't expect it, and a beautiful rose can grow from under a pile of dog shit. It was one of those nights last night.

Thing is, it was My Guy, not me doing the "teaching". Now for the record, no one got spanked. In this day and age it's simply not an option and I, nor anyone else, has never hit my children in anger or otherwise, but for some reason Frack decided that he was going to test My Guy's limits. This was about DISRESPECT.

The back story is that Frack was disappointed, once again, by his (no good, lying) father and he decided to take it out on us. Long story short- said piece of shit, I mean, father, tells Frack that he cannot pick him up today, Friday-his weekend, because he has a "job interview" and that he had dinner plans with his wife Friday night, knowing full well that this is his weekend, so he would pick him up on Saturday. Frack was disappointed, once again. We have dealt with this before, and more recently, since Frack's dad got married. Since then his commitment to Frack has withered to almost nothing, he goes to almost NONE of his games, and refuses to take Frack to any of his sporting activities when he has him on the weekends, we have been quietly trying to help Frack deal with the disappointment. He is having none of it and continues to be embarrassed and defends his father. It. breaks. my. heart.

I must tell you that My Guy never speaks ill of Frack's dad in front of him (I, on the other hand, will let my frustration show occasionally). My Guy grew up without a father and is extremely sensitive to the issue. So much so, that I can safely say that through the disappointments, Frack and My Guy have become very close. My Guy is not his father, this is a fact he is also extremely sensitive to, but he and I have been the ones who try to pick up the pieces. My Guy has stepped in and taken Frack to all his games, does homework with him, plays catch ouside with him, takes him golfing regularly and is committed to providing for him all of the things needed to enrich his life for the past four years, by choice and out of love.

Last night, Frack decided he was pissed. With complete disrespect, he barked his responses to casual conversation with My Guy on the ride home from Lacrosse. My Guy said nothing, understanding Frack's predicament. He barked at me when I told him to take a shower and finish his homework, again we said nothing. The camel's back breaking straw came when My Guy and I and Frack were talking about our plans for this evening. We told him that since we already had plans to go to a Red Sox game, assuming he would be at his dad's, My Guy had arranged for my dad to take him to the Sox game also, my dad and Frack would be in different seats, but we would all go together.

Frack's response, "I'm not going. I don't want to. Can't I stay home alone?"
My Guy, "No, you can't stay home alone. Since when do you not want to go to a Sox game?"
Frack, "I just don't want to go."
My Guy, "Frack, it's already been arranged. Everybody re-arranged their plans so that you could come with us. What's bothering you?"

Then, I had to go and ruin what was a somewhat productive conversation.
Yup, I got pissed and threw my mother anger out there about how ungrateful he is, and that he never wants to do anything unless he chooses it.
Frack cracked, ran upstairs and slammed the door so hard the entire house shook. My Guy followed him, with me behind him saying, "let him stew in his own anger". When My Guy slammed the door even harder than Frack did, I was up at the top of the stairs in a Milli-second ready to pounce like a mother lion.

But I didn't.

I could hear My Guy saying to my son in a stern, loud voice, "We do everything for you whenever you need it, without question. We take you everywhere, give you what you need and put your needs first and I will not have you disrespect either of us like that ever again. Do you understand?" to which Frack replied, "Yes."
Then he was out of the room in an instant, before I had the chance to pounce, the entire exchange a total of 20 seconds. It took a good 15 minutes of everyone in neutral territory, to sort of soak this in, as My Guy had never put his foot down like that before and I was feeling guilty that I had probably been the catalyst of my son's crack.

My Guy and I left Frack alone and we talked for the next hour about everything. He was right. while it's easy to blame piece of shit father for everything, Frack knows that he has us. He knows we are here, always, unquestionably and we cannot allow him to be ungrateful for all the good things he has in his life. We both agreed that the entire exchange probably hurt us so much more than him and in the long run, he will be a better person for it. Someone had to draw the boundary line.

What happened next was amazing.
Frack woke up, bright eyed, happy, and chatting with My Guy at breakfast about tonite's game. If I had any question in my heart about the ramifications of last night's exchange, they were gone. I think we all learned a valuable lesson about love, commitment and respect.


TROLL Y2K said...

Good job by "My Guy".

Heff said...

Yeah, I'll give "Guy" props, but I gotta tell ya - there ain't NOTHING WRONG with a good ol' fashioned ass-whoopin' every once in awhile. I think that's part of what's wrong with this country these days. Nobody takes an ass-whoopin' anymore.

Sass said...

I'm impressed. Seriously.

Way to go, My Guy. ;)

Ookami Snow said...

"My Guy is not his father, this is a fact he is also extremely sensitive to, but he and I have been the ones who try to pick up the pieces. My Guy has stepped in and taken Frack to all his games, does homework with him, plays catch ouside with him, takes him golfing regularly and is committed to providing for him all of the things needed to enrich his life for the past four years, by choice and out of love."

Mr.Guy might not have given the genes to Frack, but he IS his father.

You can't tell Frack that, but when he gets older he will realize how much Mr.Guy was.

BeckEye said...

Good job, My Guy!

wigsf said...

As usual, I agree with Heff. Good stuff by Mr Guy doing what needed to be done. Kids will be kids, sometimes they blow their stack. Looks like he has good reason. Glad that the stern talking to was all that was needed, but punishment also has it's advantages. It's not the pain, it's the fear of the pain that will keep kids in line. It kept me in line, that's for sure. Never been spanked but it's been threatened. That's all it takes.

Cora said...

Children in situations like this often lash out at the "safe parent" rather than the one they are really angry with. Been there. I'm right in this boat with you. But, heck no, we can not allow them to. We are not dart boards after all. Well handled!!

SkylersDad said...

Nice job by "My Guy"

Pop and Ice said...

Excellent parenting, My Guy! But I'm with you Candy, hovering the whole way and deciding whether I sanction said parenting moment. I get nervous when men get mad so either I'm out of there or flying to my ducklings.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Its kind of cool to be able to stand back and read that!! Great Job, Great Lessons!

Have a super weekend!

- Jennifer

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

Your guy sounds like a pretty cool dude, well, except that he's apparently a Red Sox fan. I can't totally respect someone who won't admit that Jonathan Papelbon is a complete douchebag. (If your guy DOES realize Pap's douchebagginess, I retract the "can't respect" thing).

Being a divorced dad myself, this piece resonates with me. Thanks for sharing, the was awesome.

katrocket said...

I'm glad this post had a happy ending :) Your Guy is a keeper.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Frack's dad is a fucking piece of shit, but you struck gold the second time, Candy. Good job to both of you.

Slyde said...

well said... many times, things like this will boil over and erupt, then just as fast fade away.

my guess is your son knew how we was acting, so today hes trying to apologize without apologizing..

Anonymous said...

It's always darkest just before the dawn. God that was profound of me!


John said...

I'm not a family man (I don't have a family of my own) but it does my heart good to know that family values are alive and well in complex family situations. Cheers to YOUR GUY. Cheers to YOU. And thanks for sharing. : )

Joanie M said...

You are very very lucky. When John went after my daughter for disrespecting us, she ran away for 5 days. Now John and Dani are NEVER in the same house... ever. And I am firmly stuck in the middle. Count your blessings.

Julia@SometimesLucid said...

Frack is very lucky to have such a loving family there for him (even if it isn't the one he "wishes" he had).

Soda and Candy said...

My Guy is a hero in my book for stepping up to that particular plate. Sounds like he hit a home run too.

: )

Scandalous Housewife said...

Frack was just taking out his anger with his dad on the people he loves and trusts the most. Your guy TOTALLY did the right thing. He's teaching him how to be a good and respectful man.

MVD said...

Dammit, Mauger already beat me to the Sox joke. I was going to point out the compounded emotional benefits of keeping far from Fenway. But, yeah, a stern reminder of house rules has its own advantages in family management.

Furtheron said...

Sometimes the frank and straight approach is the best, by the sounds of it he handled it expertly in my humble opinion