Today's post is a plea for help from my blogger friends. I guess you could consider it a lazy-ass post, but truth be told, I need some serious help. Saturday night is the night of my mom's big birthday celebration and we have planned to roast my mom. You'd think this would be no problem for a writer, right??? Wrong. I have a MASSIVE case of writer's block and I know nothing about comedy writing.
So here's the thing, my moms is a riot! Loud, boisterous, at times overbearing and tough, but a real sweetie who people just can't help but love. And love my mom they do. As the youngest of the family and the staff writer, I really want to do my mom proud and rib the shit out of her, but I can't seem to get anything down on paper that seems appropriate. Everything I have come up with so far sounds either too tough or too mushy and not at all funny. Is there a formula or a template to follow when roasting your MOM???
My mom has a great sense of humor so anything I say, I'm sure, will be taken in good fun and there are a million topics to discuss. I thought I would start with my mother's cursing habit. Yup, my moms could have a sit down with a gaggle of crass truck drivers and school them all on the fine art of using swear words, then leave them in awe of her greatness. She has even taken to explaining her swearing to a slight case of Tourette Syndrome, (no offense meant) There's her rock-star shopping habits I told you about. I figured I could make a joke about how TJ Maxx is going to retire her credit card number and raise it to the rafters of the store, and how the home shopping network has a hard time paying it's utilities bills when mom is traveling, and how they will call her to check up on her if she hasn't purchased anything for a day.
Then there's all the crap she put us through as kids, and how it was a well known fact amongst the neighborhood kids NOT to mess with my mom or she would cut you down. Cut first, question later. I also learned from my mom that "the thing" was a pronoun. It was always, go upstairs on "my thing" and get "the thing" for me. We knew better than to ask and God forbid we didn't find "the thing". We got the old, "if I have to come up there and find it myself you are in so much trouble". We were doomed before we even started and we knew it. Then there's her diamonds. I cannot tell you how many people know my mom because of her diamonds. Her nick-name at her fave restaurant is "bling" and the ladies at the nail shop know my mom as, "I know you mom. Big diamonds, you mom."
I began this process much like most writers do, by brainstorming. The problem for me is, I just want to be funny. These are all stories that we have told a million times before, so how do I put a nice comedic spin on them and make them fresh again? Have any of you roasted someone before? I need some tips on how to write comedy effectively. The steaks are high here and the pressure is on the writer to deliver. If any of you have any good mother jokes, let's have at em, maybe I can turn them into something that would work for the roast. Or if any of you have delivered a roast to someone special, could you please share your experience with me and what worked for you and what didn't.
I NEED to deliver, or it's my goose that will be roasted.