Friday, June 19, 2009

I'll Get By With A Little Help From My Friends




Today's post is a plea for help from my blogger friends. I guess you could consider it a lazy-ass post, but truth be told, I need some serious help. Saturday night is the night of my mom's big birthday celebration and we have planned to roast my mom. You'd think this would be no problem for a writer, right??? Wrong. I have a MASSIVE case of writer's block and I know nothing about comedy writing.

So here's the thing, my moms is a riot! Loud, boisterous, at times overbearing and tough, but a real sweetie who people just can't help but love. And love my mom they do. As the youngest of the family and the staff writer, I really want to do my mom proud and rib the shit out of her, but I can't seem to get anything down on paper that seems appropriate. Everything I have come up with so far sounds either too tough or too mushy and not at all funny. Is there a formula or a template to follow when roasting your MOM???

My mom has a great sense of humor so anything I say, I'm sure, will be taken in good fun and there are a million topics to discuss. I thought I would start with my mother's cursing habit. Yup, my moms could have a sit down with a gaggle of crass truck drivers and school them all on the fine art of using swear words, then leave them in awe of her greatness. She has even taken to explaining her swearing to a slight case of Tourette Syndrome, (no offense meant) There's her rock-star shopping habits I told you about. I figured I could make a joke about how TJ Maxx is going to retire her credit card number and raise it to the rafters of the store, and how the home shopping network has a hard time paying it's utilities bills when mom is traveling, and how they will call her to check up on her if she hasn't purchased anything for a day.

Then there's all the crap she put us through as kids, and how it was a well known fact amongst the neighborhood kids NOT to mess with my mom or she would cut you down. Cut first, question later. I also learned from my mom that "the thing" was a pronoun. It was always, go upstairs on "my thing" and get "the thing" for me. We knew better than to ask and God forbid we didn't find "the thing". We got the old, "if I have to come up there and find it myself you are in so much trouble". We were doomed before we even started and we knew it. Then there's her diamonds. I cannot tell you how many people know my mom because of her diamonds. Her nick-name at her fave restaurant is "bling" and the ladies at the nail shop know my mom as, "I know you mom. Big diamonds, you mom."

I began this process much like most writers do, by brainstorming. The problem for me is, I just want to be funny. These are all stories that we have told a million times before, so how do I put a nice comedic spin on them and make them fresh again? Have any of you roasted someone before? I need some tips on how to write comedy effectively. The steaks are high here and the pressure is on the writer to deliver. If any of you have any good mother jokes, let's have at em, maybe I can turn them into something that would work for the roast. Or if any of you have delivered a roast to someone special, could you please share your experience with me and what worked for you and what didn't.
I NEED to deliver, or it's my goose that will be roasted.

16 comments:

Cowguy said...

Mom, you brought the wrong baby home from the hospital.

John said...

I can't help you much with the comedy writing, but I will try to help you out with some bling. : ) I'll send along in a bit.

SkylersDad said...

Tell her that one time that you decided to get her something personnel for a birthday gift, but then you found out she already bought her own tampons.

SkylersDad said...

Speaking of tampons, you know how macho mom is? She rolls her own tampons, that's macho!

SkylersDad said...

Seriously, she is a tough broad. How tough? She has a kick starter on her vibrator!

Dr Zibbs said...

What about a top ten?

Madtexter said...

Mom, you did a great job giving me life, but I'm going back to the hospital for an upgrade.

Mention how you discovered she was a pioneer in the "renewable energy movement", when you once caught her farting.

I still fall apart when I remember watching TV in the living room, and my mom was in the kitchen, and I heard a loud phhwwwhwwwt! I said, "Mom, was that what I think it was?" We both busted out laughing for nearly 15 minutes.

Apparently, she was bending over to get something out of one of the lower cabinets and her inner wind blew out of her backside. (Now, picture her as a church going, very religious, prim and proper southern lady...and the image is all the better.)

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Tell small stories, end them all with how she bought something at TJ Maxx.

Prunella Jones said...

I can't really help you with the roasting, alas, but I gotta say that your mom sounds like my kind of dame.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

I recently discovered that Mom's been lying about her age. She's much older than I thought. For example, I just found out that her Social Security Number is XXXVII.

That's all I got.

Skyler's Dad is a riot. Maybe upgrade the vibrator joke to "she has the only vibrator in the world manufactured by Harley Davidson."

Cora said...

LOL @ Sky Dad!!

The Dental Maven said...

Girl, I wish I could help you. But I've never roasted someone and I'm clueless on the comedy writing formula. Sounds like you've got some solid material and I'm certain you'll pull it off! Enjoy!

Wil said...

"Saturday night is the night of my mom's big birthday celebration and we have planned to roast my mom" - My God! What the hell kind of present is that? Can't you get a caterer? Ok, that probably sucked.

Wil Harrison.com

Fancy Schmancy said...

My mom joke is only funny if your mother is Jewish (which mine is).

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

"That's okay, I'll sit in the dark..."

Doubt that's going to help you much, but hope you knock it outta the park tonight!

Girl Interrupted said...

I don't have any advice to offer, but I hope it goes well and that you and your family have a great time

RedCurlGirl said...

Just tease her about the quirks that make your mom who she is.

When my mom came home after two and a half years of being away on..well, we'll call it a government sponsored vacation, she was cooking one night and when dad came home a few hours later, he found that she'd left the oven on. So he called me, yelling about how she's just burning up the house and I said "dad--she was just helping us get back to normal," knowing that my mother is notorious for leaving anything that can be turned on, on.

you'll think of something. :)