Friday, March 6, 2009

Desperately Dirty Housewives


I have led a sheltered, sheltered life. Now bear with me here for a moment and you will understand what I'm getting at.

I stopped by the local quick-mart yesterday to pick up some milk on my way home. The gas station/mini mart is located on the main thoroughfare, no more than .5 tenths of a mile from my street, smack dab in the middle of two affluent, suburban communities. I stop in there regularly; to get gas and last minute items and the staff and I are on a friendly, first name basis. We always take a few moments to chat about daily events, and often times they will share a story or two about what goes on in the quick-mart. Yesterday the story was focused on the amount of condoms that are sold in this particular store. The owner asserted that of the four mini marts he owns; this particular location, by far, out sells the others in condom purchases. He added that the purchases are made mostly by women-who appear to be just like me, apparently-and by that he meant your ordinary, every day mom.

Another staff member then proceeded to tell me about these same suburban women; the ones buying the condoms, propositioning him for a little discreet, extra-curricular activity,*wink, wink*. Now they had my attention. We then discussed it a little more. They said well dressed men in business suits also make numerous condom purchases and we all marveled over the frequency of this taking place in an affluent community such as ours. Who'd have thought? Interesting. Wealthy, successful business men and their lonely, neglected wives.

On my way home, armed with this new revelation, my mind went directly to a memory of a similar sort. About 5 years ago, I was waiting at home for a service man to come to turn on my irrigation system. This is a twice yearly appointment, and the homeowner must be present in order for the service tech to have access to the pump located in the basement. The company always give you a 3 hour window for the arrival of the tech. My window was from 9am to 12. I jumped into the shower sometime close to 9, and sure enough, I heard the doorbell just as I was getting out of the shower. I quickly threw on my bathrobe and slippers, wrapped a towel around my head, and rushed to the door.

I told the tech he was welcome to come in and go find the pump in the basement on his own, but that I would just need a few moments to get dressed before I could show him. The tech immediately put up his hand, beating a hasty retreat from the door and said, "I'll do what I need to do out here first. When you're dressed you can come and get me and I'll come in." OK, fine. I get dressed and go find the guy and walk him down to the basement to show him where the pump is. He then says to me, "I hope I didn't offend you by being short with you earlier. It's just that I have learned the hard way never to enter into a home when the lady of the house is dressed in a bathrobe."

Really. Forever the journalist, I pressed him for more information.

"You're kidding me, right?" I said.
"I wouldn't kid about that," he replied.
He proceeded to tell me the stories about how more often than not, the robe and the towel quickly drop to floor. He said he could write a book about the propositions he's received over the years and that despite his warnings, some of the younger guys he works with have actually messed up their relationships over their indulgence in this offer of an"afternoon delight". I was speechless.

Let me go on record here as being fully aware that this could take place anywhere in the US of A, and it is certianly not limited to affluent communities. I just need to wrap my brain around the fact that it actually does happen in real life and not just in Hollywood.
I have lived a sheltered life, for sure, because this stuff never ceases to perplex me. The service guy? The UPS man? The plumber? Not to imply that there is anything wrong with any of those professions. I just don't equate an afternoon quickie with my major kitchen appliance being returned to working order.
I just don't get it. And I'm glad I just don't get it.
Herein lies the point-these women "just aren't getting it" so they're getting it when ever and where ever they can, on the sly. The allure of the forbidden fruit.

This is just one woman's opinion is all, and to each his own, whatever floats your boat and every other seemingly appropriate cliche. I just think there needs to be some sort of connection, chemistry or history before engaging in the act. Call me old-fashioned, call me a prude even, all I'm saying is that I just think there are better ways to float that personal boat, if that's what you're looking for.
It certianly gives new meaning to the job title, service man.

26 comments:

Bill Stankus said...

What I really want to know is do you live in Springfield and do you ever see Homer at the mini mart?

Cora said...

Ewwwww. I'm with you, Candy. That's not right. My hubby was a cheater and I know how that feels to find out your spouse is doing that. I will NEVER cheat, I swear it. I would NEVER want to be a person who causes hurt and turmoil like that in a relationship. NEVER. If the marriage is lacking something, having an affair will NOT fix it, it will only make things worse. Wow.

BeckEye said...

This post just made me think of that novelty song, "Dear Penthouse."

I've never been the type for random sex with strangers, and I've never felt like I was missing out on anything because of it.

Sassy Britches said...

I'm with you. If I'm needing something to float my boat, it most certainly would not be with someone with whom I don't have a history or a connection or some kind of chemistry. Just "I need it and you're here" is, well, a bit icky in my book.

SkylersDad said...

A few minutes of pleasure is never worth the inevitable pain that it is going to cost you and your spouse.

Gwen said...

My friend Phil caught his wife with the UPS man. It gave new meaning to their slogan "What can brown do for you?"

Heff said...

Congrats, Candy. You're NOT a whore.

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahhaa, "service man"!

I need that outfit from the photo by the way, it is so cute!!! not to attract any tradesmen, though, who in my experience at least (no offense to them) are never even remotely attractive.

B.E. Earl said...

I'm gonna have to ask my brother-in-law about this. Hmmm.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

That must feel so empty, 'though - For both parties... Some things don't surprise me that go on behind closed doors.

Some time ago, my friend moved house very quickly after getting a lovely brand new home - It had turned out that the whole street were swingers, throwing constant parties!

Scope said...

Man, good thing I didn't go with the "plumber laying the pipe" theme over at my place today.

And I have the songs "Telephone Man" and "Peter The Meter Reader" in my head now.

Julia@SometimesLucid said...

Ewww! I know it happens but I feel bad for both the husband and the wife. It's sad that people have to resort to getting attention from service people :(

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

HAhaha! "waiting at home for a service man to come to turn on my irrigation system." Sure, proclaim your innocence!

Giggle Pixie said...

Wow! Apparently I've led a sheltered life as well. I find that quite shocking, actually!

Joanie said...

Some people really like to live dangerously. I cannot imagine doing something like that.

The Dental Maven said...

I have trouble understanding how people get to the point where having sex with someone you've never met before, with no emotional involvement, while you are married to someone else is considered okay. And as an admitted neurotic - what about the risk of disease???? YUCK! No aspect of this appeals to me.

Cowguy said...

Yes.... it happens.

Yeah.

hoo boy.

Jen W said...

Huh. I thought that only happened in Hollywood, too. Supposedly there is a neighborhood near where I live that is known for having a lot of "swinger" parties. I always thought that was a myth but maybe I'll have to re-evaluate my thoughts on that. I guess you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Jay said...

Man, did I pick the wrong career.

Slyde said...

let me open your eyes a bit MORE...

all those condoms that the guy is selling to men in business suits...

they arent for their wives....

Fragrant Liar said...

I don't get it either. But then again, I am not walking in the shoes of a woman who's done that. Neither am I standing nekkid in the towel of the woman who's done that. I have seen too many plumber's butts, or the cracks thereon. But hey, to each his/her own.

Scope said...

I sent you a hug today over @ my place. Swing by, pick it up, and pass it on.

Andy said...

Too bad everyone took all the good service men analogies already.
Crap.
But a good post that had me highly intrigued. I didn't know housewives were banging all these guys.

Breathe said...

Service man! LOL!

Frankly to see me nekkid you have to earn your way in - and no little fiddling with the sprinkler. I'm talking making some mortgage payments, picking up the kids when they toss their cookies at school, holding my hand during the 36th hour of labor.

Particularly given the results to my body of said labor...

Chaka said...

I'm with you. It's nice to see we are not the minority as TV would have us believe.

Furtheron said...

I'm like you led a shetlered life, funny given some of my background...

I once made a comment to a friend about this sort of thing never happening in real life, he smiled "Oh yes it does, you just aren't tuned in to it"... maybe that is a good thing in the long run.