Now that the major meal-eating-holiday's are over and the time to resolve is fast approaching, I want to talk about weight. I got to thinking about it because I, like everyone, over indulged this weekend, and now I am feeling feeling gross and I'm not loving the mini muffin top that has sprouted over the top of my skinny jeans. Those are the same jeans I'm supposed to feel skinny in, but don't really at the moment.
It's no surprise that losing weight is one of the most common New Year's resolutions, as the weight loss in this country is a big business. For me, this year, the issue a bit different than it has ever been. I have pretty much kept off the thirty pounds I lost two years ago, give or take a five pound fluctuation here and there, and now I'm bored with this last amount of weight I lost. Now I want more, much more. I want my friends to tell me I look like I lost weight and I want to be able to say, "Yes, I did loose weight."
I want to put on my skinny jeans and not be able to wear them because they are too big. I want to go down a whole size, and "live there", and I know exactly what I need to do to get there. Is it attainable? Of course, but I was wondering if I would ever be happy there. The mini muffin-top I speak of, should take me 2-3 weeks to get back under control, then I should be able to shed 10 good pounds in six weeks. But will I be happy at that magic number?
My trainer tells me it's not about a number on a scale, but whether or not your weight affects your overall health, and my BMI is right where it needs to be. So why am I not satisfied with all of this information? Why am I now resolving to loose 10 more pounds?
Because society dictates that women should be thin, and I'm beginning to think that no matter what weight I am, I'm never going to be really satisfied. It should be a victory, that I have kept the weight I lost off for two years, but instead I yearn to impress myself with more. I want to know in my head that I have reached that magic number and that the size jeans I am wearing reflect that. It's a psychological and emotional issue for me, and I think I will never fully understand it.
It's a constant battle.
It's like death and taxes.
And it's always there, in the back of my thin thinking mind.