WHY?

I'm devastated.

This is a black day at the Daily Dandy. I just heard the news.

Tom Brady & Gisele Bündchen Get Married!

In case you weren't aware of my obsession with Tommy please refer here.

My BFF and I had this text exchange no more than ten minutes ago.

HER: Brady's off the block.

ME: Who r your sources???!!! I read it in the Boston Globe today and it is unconfirmed!!! (the rumors about the engagement have been swirling for months-all confirmed as rumors and NOT true)

HER: People dot com

ME: SHUT UP!!

HER: Yup. lol small intimate ceremony...Sorry bic

ME: (still holding out hope that it's just a rumor) I'm going to check it out right now.

(after a good six or seven minutes)

ME: I just puked! Oh nooooooo, why? Why? Why? I'm devastated. Bitch. He just ruined his image. Now he's just a pussy-whipped has been. OMG-did I just say that??(see how devastated I am-I resorted to that level of LOW-forgive me Tommy)

HER: (forever my bestest friend-trying to console me) No worries at least he married quality.

ME: If she fucking jinxed his career I will stalk and kill the bitch MYSELF.*

All I am left with is this: WHY???

*Of course I would NEVER kill Giselle or any other living creature. I'm a pacifist whose just mad as hell right now.

Privacy Please

Sometimes I miss the good old days, back when my kids were really little. Those were the days of innocence, before they both became TWM (Teens With Mouths) and I was their God. I was a stay at home mom and since Frick and Frack are only 19 months apart, we pretty much did everything together. My two amigos and I; they were then and will always be, the yin to my yang. We are still very close, me and my kids, the difference between then and now is that now they know everything and have all the answers. My bad for not seeing it their way. These days I get a lot of, “What-ever mom!”

Anyway, yesterday I was over at Vodka Mom’s blog, I Need a Martini Mom, and she had posted a wonderful, sincere note of gratitude to all of her 541 blog followers. (I stand in awe. The woman is a legend) In perfect Vodka Mom fashion she closed the post with a funny story about her kids which gave me the inspiration for today’s post! Many thanks to Vodka Mom and her wicked sense of humor! (here in Boston, wicked is a GREAT thing! like wicked pissa!)

So, as I told you, when the kids were babies, the three of us were like matching luggage. We traveled everywhere together. Where ever I went, they would follow, especially around the house. If I were cooking, my babies were on the kitchen floor, happily playing with wooden spoons, whisks and pots and pans. If I were watching TV with them, it was usually a Disney Sing Along Video, and we would play together as they sang along with the Disney classics. If I had to go to the bathroom, they would follow me right behind me into the bathroom and find something to get into while mom took care of business.

The only time this bathroom business got tricky was when AUNT FLO came to visit. To tell you the truth, I never really thought much about the manner in which I ushered them out of the bathroom during those times, but I knew I had somehow managed to do it. As I said, I never gave it a second thought until one day, when my baby girl was sitting on the bathroom floor opening and closing the doors under the bathroom sink while I applied my make-up. She came across a box of tampons and proceeded to open it up and take one out. She studied it intently for a few moments. It was almost like I could see her brilliant little mind working overtime to figure out what the strange item was. She held up the single, un-opened Tampax and said triumphantly, “Look mommy. This is your privacy!”

My little future brain surgeon had figured it all out. The strange item equated to mommy’s privacy. I soon realized that I must have consistently held the Tampax in my hand while ushering my babies out of the bathroom while explaining, “Mommy needs her privacy.”

A child’s mind is a wondrous thing. Oh how I miss those days!!

The Art Of The Bargain

I must admit that when it comes to bargaining I've got no game.

I never quite got the art of the bargain. I love going to a sale and getting a great deal, but I’ve got nothing when it comes to bargaining for it. Take, for example, my best friend. She can haggle with a sales person in a chic New York boutique for a deal and get her price. She expertly negotiates her deal, sometimes even walking away, only to be called back and met either with her price or somewhere in the middle.

The aforementioned boutique, with it's expensive finery, may just work with a customer because they are the direct owner of the goods and will settle on a discounted price in order make the sale and still make money. The key would be to figure out when and where bargaining is appropriate.

A quick web search of the "art of the bargain" led me to this site that offered up these helpful tips:

• In an open-air market, with no prices posted, you bargain. In a department store with marked prices, you do not.
• If you're dealing with the owner, it's probably appropriate to bargain. If you're dealing with a salaried clerk, it's probably not appropriate.
• It should be worth everyone's while.
• When in doubt, merely note what others are doing.
• Once you've determined that bargaining is expected, you need a sense of how much you can expect to drive down the price. Make a counter-offer too low, and you look bad. Too high, and you'll pay more than you need to.
• Typically, at an outdoor market you can expect to get the price down by 10-30%.
• Don’t buy the first thing you see. Look around. Get prices from a few merchants. You’ll soon get a sense of what’s reasonable.

Is there an art to the bargain or a bargaining gene that I didn't get? I realize that there are only a handful of places that you can actually bargain for a price and I'm more than sure that Neiman Marcus isn't one of them. So that leaves the obvious places. Yard sales, flea markets, farmers markets, auctions, store closeouts, consignment shops, car dealerships, etc., but could I be wrong? In these tough economic times, people seem to be bargaining more and more in places that you wouldn't think would settle for a negotiated price. The result has given the consumer the upper hand.

Even major retailers like Best Buy, Circut City and Home Depot are getting in on the bargaining culture to retain buyers. Citing the wealth of consumer information available on the Internet and something they are calling "the Ebay phenomenon", this article explains the shift in major retailers price flexibility and acceptable consumer "haggling".

So lets say I find myself in a position to bargain, where do I begin with price? 30%? 20%? Whats the general rule when working a deal? How much back and forth is appropriate? And what about the old, "I'm walking away," technique? Is that something you need to have a "feel" for so you know when it's execution will procure your desired price?

Today's Special: Honor Thy Neighbor

Just don't piss me off or I'll be left with no choice but to reveal you to the world for what you truly are!!

I mean it! I have had it with your stupid shit and you know what? You are getting on my very last nerve!

Keep your friggin dogs quiet on Sunday mornings and your trash cans sealed properly so that said dogs can't get into them and strew your waste all over my yard and the street we live on.

Quit obnoxiously honking the horn every morning before 7am for your kids to come out while you warm up your car or, whatever it is that you do, before you drive them to school.


Stop dumping all your leaves and grass clippings into my yard. You know full well that with one strong gust of wind and they end up all over my lawn and then we have go out and clean them up again. Don't play innocent.


And, if it wouldn't be too much trouble to ask, if the UPS guy delivers a package to your house in error, please have the decency to deliver the box to us in a timely fashion. Like sometime DURING THE MONTH in which it was delivered. Not two months after the delivery. Thanks. I would appreciate it so that my Aunt in Kentucky won't think I am a complete ingrate for not acknowledging her gift with a thank you.


Just so we are clear, we are NOT friends, so when you have your little parties at your house it is not ok for your guests to park in my driveway and yes we do care if they do, thank you very much.


Now that I have gotten all that off my chest, I really do feel better. That, and the fact that I marched my ass outside this morning and hammered this into the ground for all to see, in your honor.



Have a nice day asshole!

A Dandy Oscar Night

After watching last night's Oscar telecast along with most of the world, I decided to hand out a few of my own Daily Dandy Oscars for last night's attendants.

First up-

Best Boobs- Sarah Jessica Parker

Leave it to Carrie Bradshaw's alter ego to find a new twist on an old stand bye. Pushed up and overflowing never looked so glamorous. You can thank Sarah for single-handedly bringing back in fashion the buxom bosom. I guarantee you will be seeing this look at some point on every red carpet this year.

Best Jewels- Angelina Jolie

Angelina went safe and sexy for last nights Oscars but it was her stunning, yet simple pairing of emerald earrings and an emerald cocktail ring that I couldn't take my eyes off of. Their size and simplicity were truly remarkable. But really, what doesn't look good on Angie??

Best Blast From The Past-Phoebe Kates

Phoebe Kates looks like she could go right back to Ridgemont High! Pictured here with her husband Kevin Kline, I had all but forgotten about her until she showed up at the party of all parties last night. She looked stunning and I couldn't help but wonder if she had shared a special "moment" with her Ridgemont High co-star Spicolli, aka: Best Actor Oscar winner Sean Penn.

Duude-they've both come a long way since then.

Best Acceptance Speech- Sean Penn

I was supposed to be pissed about this one. As you know, Sean stole the award from my man Mickey, but as I listened to him nervously accept the award from his opening comic comment to his ending political rant, the guy won me over. My first thought, when he began his speech about gay rights was, "Oh no, please don't do it. It never works in this forum," but I found him to be eloquent and succinct with just enough political relevance for his message to to resonate. I may even need to see Milk because of it.

Best Family Shout Out During An Acceptance Speech-Kate Winslet

How adorable was Kate Winslet's dad, whistling inside Oscar central to let her know where he was seated? The ever-so-elegant Ms. Winslet looked surprised and enthralled that she and the rest of world, in that very moment, knew where her mum and dad were sitting. It was a wonderful, unscripted, real moment.

Best Why Were You There??- Miley Cyrus

I think Miley Cyrus is a cutie and as a teen icon-she totally rocks. But that's what she does-she rocks! Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't she a singer/TV star for the "tween" set? So why is she all dolly-ed up at the grown-up Oscars?? Are the producers of the telecast that desperate for "tween" viewers? I mean, even Zach and Vanessa performed and Zach was a presenter at the awards. Miley had no official reason for attending. Again, why was she there??

Simply The Best- Hugh Jackman

Just look at the man. Need I say more? The guy could be reciting the alphabet and I would still watch. He is just dreamy in a Hollywood kind of way. And he can sing and dance too!!! Who cares if he wasn't all comedy-he made up for it in TV face time, charm, and his adorable Aussie accent.
Well done Hugh!

And congratulations Hollywood!

An Interoffice Memo

To: The Bloggersphere
From: Candy's Daily Dandy

Re: The Daily Dandy Vacation

Please be advised that the management of The Daily Dandy will be out of the office from Saturday, February 14th to Saturday, February 21st, 2009 for some much needed family fun in the sun.

That's right, I am outta here!!! My Guy and I are taking the kids to the sunny Mayan Rivera in Mexico to get our vacation on! Of course, ANY tropical destination where an umbrella in your cocktail is a pre-requisite, is OK in my book. I am planning to take full advantage of the spa opportunities, any and all beach and water sports, and the quality family bonding time that will be at our disposal.

Take care of the bloggersphere while I am gone and don't forget to put the trash out and feed the dogs-oh, wait, wrong memo- sorry. I'll return to The Dandy on Monday, February 23rd but don't be suprised if you see me pop up on your blog at somepoint during the week. I just may come across something that reminds me of my blogger buddies.

(Like Heff-I will be searching for some LETHAL cerveza to bring back to send to you so that we can get your valued and expert opinion on the shit. And Zibbsy-While trolling through the many flea markets in the city, I will keep my eye out for some crazy Zippo lighters)

Of course, if you have any special requests leave them in the comments here and I will do my best to accomodate. But don't get crazy, we are in a recession, ya know!

Peace out bloggers and have a great week!

Bill Is No Friend Of Mine

Hey Bill? Can you do me a favor and go away? I don't like you very much.

You and your friends are always wreaking havoc around here and I want it to stop. Every time you arrive at my house I get a sick feeling in my stomach. And you always bring more than one friend with you to ruin my day. It's like you travel in a pack.

Do you enjoy bringing your special brand of misery to everyone, or is it just me? I can always count on you to show up too, just when I'm beginning to feel good about things. Then you show up and you leave me depleted, literally. You want the truth? The truth is you ruin everything. I want to be free of you forever, get it?

And you know what else? I'm so on to your games. I know about all your little tricks to lure me into your good graces. You think that just because you sometimes bring me expensive gifts, I will welcome you into my life with open arms. It's not going to work, Bill. Not with me. I didn't go to school to eat lunch, you know. I'm smarter than you think. I can't be bought with fancy dinners and fabulous jewelry. Not by you.

I spend so much of my energy trying to figure out what I can do about getting rid of you, that sometimes it makes me crazy. But you never seem to go away, do you? And you show up like clockwork, oblivious to the fact that you are not welcome here.

I should have known better than to let someone like you into my life in the first place. You teased me with your promises and pretended to be my best friend, shopping with me, taking me on trips and pledging your eternal love by letting me know you would always be there for me when I needed you. Then you go and call me out on our friendship. You are no friend of mine.

Let's just end this charade now. Peacefully and simply. I need to cut all ties with you so that you won't hurt me or the people I love any more. What's it going to take to get rid of you? I just may have to pay you off so that I never have to see you again. You'd like that, wouldn't you? That's the only kind of language you understand because money is your God. You are despicable, you know that?

Stop sending me little notes in the mail and tell your friends to back off too. We are through, you and me, Bill. I never want to see you again, comprende? Walk away dude. Just walk away, it's over.