Thursday, February 12, 2009

Bill Is No Friend Of Mine

Hey Bill? Can you do me a favor and go away? I don't like you very much.

You and your friends are always wreaking havoc around here and I want it to stop. Every time you arrive at my house I get a sick feeling in my stomach. And you always bring more than one friend with you to ruin my day. It's like you travel in a pack.

Do you enjoy bringing your special brand of misery to everyone, or is it just me? I can always count on you to show up too, just when I'm beginning to feel good about things. Then you show up and you leave me depleted, literally. You want the truth? The truth is you ruin everything. I want to be free of you forever, get it?

And you know what else? I'm so on to your games. I know about all your little tricks to lure me into your good graces. You think that just because you sometimes bring me expensive gifts, I will welcome you into my life with open arms. It's not going to work, Bill. Not with me. I didn't go to school to eat lunch, you know. I'm smarter than you think. I can't be bought with fancy dinners and fabulous jewelry. Not by you.

I spend so much of my energy trying to figure out what I can do about getting rid of you, that sometimes it makes me crazy. But you never seem to go away, do you? And you show up like clockwork, oblivious to the fact that you are not welcome here.

I should have known better than to let someone like you into my life in the first place. You teased me with your promises and pretended to be my best friend, shopping with me, taking me on trips and pledging your eternal love by letting me know you would always be there for me when I needed you. Then you go and call me out on our friendship. You are no friend of mine.

Let's just end this charade now. Peacefully and simply. I need to cut all ties with you so that you won't hurt me or the people I love any more. What's it going to take to get rid of you? I just may have to pay you off so that I never have to see you again. You'd like that, wouldn't you? That's the only kind of language you understand because money is your God. You are despicable, you know that?

Stop sending me little notes in the mail and tell your friends to back off too. We are through, you and me, Bill. I never want to see you again, comprende? Walk away dude. Just walk away, it's over.

19 comments:

B.E. Earl said...

William, as he called at our home, isn't welcome here either.

Cowguy said...

You need me to come over and kick Bill's ass?

Great post, lol.

J.

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

Haha! Poor Bill, everybody hates him. Come on by, my giveaway is up! :-)

Scope said...

I'm just a Bill, yes I'm only a Bill.

Ooops, sorry, wrong Bill. Last month I tried to see if he would go away if I burried him on my desk. No such luck, he came back and was angry! Lots of red, nasty words.

Bill Stankus said...

nicely done ... tho the opening sentence kinda scared me a bit.

Sassy Britches said...

Bill is the mafia. I pay him but he keeps coming back for more money.

LegalMist said...

That dude really is psycho! He's stalking me, too!

Dave said...

Bill from Blockbuster has put me in collection for a shitty movie I returned ages ago.
Bill is nasty.

Marty said...

Bill is a pill - can't stand the guy. ;)




My word verification is "fryopet" must be another one of Bill's doing.

Joe D. said...

Nice. I stood up and clapped at my computer screen lol.

sage said...

I'm glad my name ain't Bill!

Nicely done, a Dear John letter to Bill!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

He came by my house the other day with a note from my doctor informing me just how shitty my insurance is, making me broke again. Thanks, Bill, ya prick!

Alex Galvez said...

Between Bill and Flo.....my month is horrible structured.....they always overlap and both require me to dance around their schedules!

Heff said...

Aw hell !

That pile looks exactly like mine !!!

Now I'm depressed. It's gonna be damn hard to come up with something funny for tomorrow, now.

Thanks, Candy !! lol !

Slyde said...

I hate to break it to you but Bill is 2-timing you....

with me.. he visits here every day..

pure evyl said...

If only it was that easy to get away from that damned stalker.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

LOL, you had me going...

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/
http://thingsthatfizz.blogspot.com/

Snow White said...

I moved and didn't tell that bastard Bill where I was going... however, my mom knows. And she kindly forwards him on to me... Bah!!

Fancy Schmancy said...

You tell him, girl. You don't have to deal with his shit, kick him to the curb!