Thursday, May 13, 2010

As Old As The Crust On Your Underwear

Holy Sh*t!

I just realized that I'm old.

Like, this just happened no more than five minutes ago and the realization hit me like a mack truck. Old. Older than dirt. Just plain washed up. One minute I was up; way up, then like Newton says, I came down for the count.

How did this happen? When did this happen? I did not OK this sh*t...somebody pinch me because I'm dreaming.
Let me explain.

Five minutes ago I was in the car with Frick and Frack on the way to school. Frack gets dropped off first, then it's Frick's turn. As Frack is exiting the car, I say to him, "Hey, since the Seniors are gone from the high school, I think you are now officially a freshman." I say this because his sister reminds us, almost daily, that since the seniors are now out of school, she is officially a "junior".
"Not really mom," she says. "He's still in Middle School." Whatever....God forbid she throw him a bone here....

So Frack tells Frick that she's a jerk, and then he slams the door and he's off to school for the day. We proceed on to the high school. As we pull up to the drop off point, Frick triumphantly announces that at this time next year, she will be driving to school. (because at her age EVERYTHING revolves around getting her licence)
"Oh yes," I say, as I matter of factly contemplate the driving rules of the high school. "You will be driving to school because you'll be a junior, and only upperclassmen are allowed to take their cars to school."

Then she drops the big bomb.

"No mom, because this time next year I will officially be a SENIOR"......and she shuts the door and goes on her merry way......

The word SENIOR hangs in the air like the sulfur from a burnt match. I suddenly feel as if I can't catch my breath, and my extremities are instantly numbed and paralyzed. As I sit in my car, unable to move, thoughts begin racing through my mind at a lightening speed and a tsunami of emotion washes over my motionless body.

According to her, she will be a ....don't say it. Don't think it......If I squeeze my eyes shut really tight, do you think it will go away? Will it??

Oh. My. God.

My baby girl will technically be a "Senior" in high school one year from now. When the HELL did that happen? I had to take a deep breath. I didn't say she could grow up. She never asked me if it was OK to technically become a SENIOR next year. And what? I just have to sit by and take this crap? Somebody stop this ride because I want to get off! Right now!

And then it hit me like a driving foul ball at Fenway Park on a warm July evening; I'm old.

It's all over for me. I'm not going to fight it. I'm going to break out the rocking chair and the orthopedic shoes, because my time has come. Do you think Louboutin makes orthopedics with a red sole? Just because I'm old, it doesn't mean I have to change. I can still be stylish. So what if my designer purse will now be filled with rumpled Kleenex and Splenda packets.

And just as I am about to give in to the old that is climbing up my body like a greedy choke vine, my mother comes to my mind.

The woman who taught me everything about who I am.
The woman who has been a shining example of motherhood and style.
The woman who everyone marvels at and wonders how she still looks so great.

And I realize that old is nothing. There is nothing old about my mother. She laughs every day in the face of old and wins.
I realize that I have been blessed with good genes and the chutzpa to flip old the bird.

And my breathing returns to normal.
And I think about Frick as a senior.
And a smile creeps across my face, as I remember the excitement of my senior year.

And as I push the lump in my throat back down into submission, I whisper to myself quietly,

"Bring it on."


wigsf said...

Wait a sec. The crust on my underwear? Lemme take a quick peek. Hmm... Yup. Don't worry. If you're as old as this crust right here, you're only three or four years old.

Jim said...

Very nice. I like to think of it as all of us on this big ride . . . only not the teacups at Disney, because those make me ill just to see them . . . and we're all moving along at the same pace. We couldn't wait for it to start, and it'll suck unbelievably when it's over, but it's pretty fun as we roll along.

So far, I've been successfully dampening my child's enthusiasm for driving by reminding him regularly that he gets to drive his mother's car, when the time comes . . . the 4-door Camry that just screams conservative vanilla boringness.

"Dude, relax . . . I read somewhere that in some small Japanese rural high schools, this car is a total babe magnet . . . seriously . . . it's the 'bitchin' Camaro' over there." :-)


RW said...

In July my youngest daughter turns 30. You not lookin' that bad from here.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! You've made it to the best time of your life :) When the kids finally move on and you have the house and your life back it is heaven. Also, you've just graduated to MILF.

Don't worry about being old until they tell you you're going to be a grandmother.

Cheers, Melaka

cfoxes33 said...

Wow. My daughter is a freshman right now. She will be driving to school next year, though not every day, and I.AM.NOT.OLD!!!

Heff said...

Nice post there, Betty White.

Lol !!!!

Scott Oglesby said...

Time is a merciless, stubborn bitch. I didn’t sign up for this shit, and I don’t like it either. I’ll be talking to a group of 20-ish year olds and fit right in. Never think anything of it. Then I’ll walk away and realize that I’m not that age anymore. Then I’m like, “Seriously WTF happened”

We could always try HGH, I heard that keeps you young.

Anonymous said...

Mais non, madame! I changed my underpants on Sunday! No crust here.


You could've had Frick at 16 and therefore still be juicy and young. No worries. You tell us you're 32 and we'll all believe you happily! You bright young thang!

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't worry too much about feeling old right now, but when Frack is a senior...well, that's a separate story.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

My son turned 18 on Tuesday. I feel like a friggin' fogey. Hang in there, Candy.

Loved the comic, too!

Scope said...

She's TECHNICALLY not a senior until she has her report card for her junior year.

So, you've got a couple of more days, right?

BeckEye said...

Oh, don't be silly, you're not a senior.

Oh wait, that wasn't what you were talking about. ;)

Cora said...

My kid never asked me if she could grow up either! The nerve!

Damn it!