Thursday, May 28, 2009

Twisted Mommy Meme

It is a well documented fact that I am not a big fan of the blogger, "meme". Having said that, there are only a few reasons for me to comply with being tagged, one of which is a genuine fondness for the blogger doing the tagging.

Such is the case with The Dental Maven, who tagged me for the Motherhood Meme. In the short time since we have connected, Maven, or Mave, as I call her, has fast become a staple in my blogging routine. Her blog, "Know Your Teeth" is not only genius, but as unique and hilarious as The Maven herself. The topics range from pop culture to daily hygiene issues and always revolve around oral health. It is a certainty that The Dental Maven will make you think as well as make you laugh and her blog is worth a peek, as she has created her own unique spin on niche blogging.

So to comply with this Mommy Meme, I must list 5 things I love about motherhood and tag 5 bloggers to do the same. Since this is The Daily Dandy and I ruin everything by showing no respect for that which is sacred, I decided to instead list five things, tongue in cheek, that I love about being a mother. I know The Mave will forgive me, for I am nothing if not a loose cannon who marches to the beat of my own ipod. So here goes:

1. I love the fact that I can swear like a truck driver at my teens, but the second they utter even a somewhat mild form of profanity, I feign shock and horror at them, immediately punish them, and question the "hoodlums" that they spend their time with.

2. I love that my kids are afraid of me, but at the same time they have no problem crapping all over everything I have taught them. They damn well should be afraid, and if they think for one minute that I am just going to lay down and let them walk all over me, they would be right. I'm too freakin tired.

3. I love the fact that my being their personal ATM is, at times, a two-way street. That's right bloggers, I sometimes jack the kids wallets when I need some cash for the pizza guy or I'm just too lazy to go to the bank that day. And because my kids are always extorting money from me and My Guy, the little cherubs are LOADED; flush with a cash hoard and I know exactly where they hide it. Unfortunately for me I have a screw missing in the "it all comes out in the wash" department and I always fret about returning the cash, so I do. I hope to get over that sooner rather than later.

4. I love that I can read their personal text messages and then expertly LIE to their faces about it. I figure it is my duty as a parent and although we talk a lot about the sanctity of someone's privacy, all bets are off when it comes to teens. I NEED to make sure they are ok and if I break that rule while they are at a vulnerable age, I'm hoping good old St. Peter still may see it in his heart to give me a free pass on that one. "What are you the text police?" is my favorite response. And for some reason they can always tell when I have done it.

5. I love that "Because I said so," is a valid and binding response to any inquiry. "Why can't I have 5 friends sleep over?" Response: "Because I said so."
"Why do I have to finish my homework before I go to the mall?" Again, "Because I said so."
The four most perfect words uttered together in the English language. Of course if it were that easy, I would have them tattooed across my ass and flash them every time they inquired in a whiney tone about one thing or another. Truth is they really mean nothing. In today's world everything is a long, drawn out, emotional negotiation which I usually end up losing anyway.

And I don't think I would have it any other way.

You know the rest people, run like the Dickens with this meme if it suits your fancy.
Many thanks to The Dental Maven for bestowing upon me the Mommy Meme honor, although I twisted it around to suit me.

Sometimes I just a deviant little mother.


Slyde said...

speaking of reading text messages..

im reading a great book right now called HOLD TIGHT that deals with parents doing that very thing. its fiction, and gets pretty far fetched, but im liking it alot.

Wil said...

Damn kids! They can be kind of fun once in awhile can't they?


Dr Zibbs said...

It's well documented???

(look through pages he's been keeping that details everything about Candy) 27, page 28...Oh here it is, "hates memes". You're right.

The Dental Maven said...

Girl! You are AWESOME! Too dang funny! And why the hell do you have to live so far away from The Maven???

Soda and Candy said...

Haha, this is awesome. #5 - those are gonna be my favorite words when I become a mommy

Bill Stankus said...

I see a new career happening for you ..."The Dr. Candy Show" ... a TV show featuring frustrated parents visiting you with their rotten-bratty-spoiled-vulgar-clueless teens. You listen to both sides and then proceed to ream da kids.

I'm sayin', you be da bomb!

John said...

RE: # 1: Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness.Heh. : )

Heff said...

This "little mother" doesn't do Meme !

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

My 17 year-old loves getting me to play the "because I said so" card. He'll still do what I said without hassle, but he figures if I have to go there, he's won the logical side of the debate.

But I still won, right? RIGHT?

BamaTrav said...

I must be blogger stupid, what is a meme? I always used the response,"negative" in a military tone with my now ex- stepson, even before he finished the sentence.

Elenka said...

Oh boy, those were the days.......NONE of your happily exposed meme's (Whatever the hell those are) apply ANYMORE when said child is 22 years old and still living at home!! SO, enjoy it while you ain't gonna last forever !!

mike said...

I didnt realize your kids were in their teens. You're kind of a hot mom.

I don't know where I'm going to fall on the "text reading" issue when my son is old enough to have a cell phone. I am all for privacy, but I think I feel like you... I will need to know what's going on in his life. Touchy subject, for sure.

BamaTrav said...

Candy, you need to go check out my blog so I won't think you love Heff and hate me. lol

Cora said...

Is it just me and my "special" computer or did the snazzy pink leopard background of your blog go on strike? The last few days all I see in a brown background. Not complaining - it reminds me of chocolate so it's all good!! But still, I'm just curious. Are the rest of you guys seeing the leopard print?

Scope said...

Candy, if anyone would approve of you doing something "tongue in cheek" you would think it would be the Dental Maven, right?

And as the first recipient of what is now "The O.B.A.M.A." "The One Bad Ass Mother Award", I have been in awe of your mom skills for years.

Or at least since I started blogging 7 months ago (gasp!)

starbender said...

Oh, the joys of motherhood!!!

I have to admit, I read my teens text messages also. You have to stay on top of them in this day and age. It's a sick world out there, and we have to figure out how to keep them safe.

Furtheron said...

reading stuff is a woman thing isn't it and the going through a wallet/pockets

I have a big disagreement with my wife over this, I believe in granting privacy and respecting it, I also don't have parental controls on the internet etc. I extend trust but will bring in harsh sanctions if that trust is violated.

If she says "Oh get x it is in my bag" No way - I bring the bag to her to get it, maybe I'm totally odd but that is how I am

Fancy Schmancy said...

Ha-ha, I related to every single one of those! Very funny, and sadly true!

Sassy Britches said...

Okay, help me out with this one. I thought a person could just delete his/her text messages? Is there a special thing on their phones to keep them from doing this? Or is it your Fear Factor that keeps them from doing it?