Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Ex Files


I have a question that I need your valued opinion on.
Emily Post, I'm not, so I figured I'd ask all of you. You guys always give me the best advice anyway, so here goes:

Is it proper etiquette to send your upcoming wedding invitation to your ex-wife's home?

Granted, your two children live in your ex-wife's home and both children make up the entire wedding party. It's pretty much a sure bet-a lock- that both of them will be there. The children are kids-ages 14 and 12, so they are not invited "with guests". The kids will be with him on that entire weekend, so they have no need for time, place, and all the other things a wedding invitation entails.

Now before you go thinking I have "bitter ex-wife syndrome", let me explain. Four years later, we have both effectively moved on and the wedding has been a known fact for quite some time. No surprises. I habor no ill will towards anyone other than Jackass for other reasons far too numerous to mention here. For the sake of the children we manage to be civil-most of the time. Makes us no different than the thousands of other divorced poeple in the world.

When I got the mail and saw the invitation, I found it a bit strange, but at first glance I thought to myself, "OK, they need to respond", but the more I let it marinate in my mind, the more I think this was meant to be a direct slap in my face.

Of course, by giving it life and putting it to words here on The Dandy, I have effectively lit the match and ignited the bonfire that was intended. And Jackass would like nothing better, but sorry to disappoint, I am now curious and I am looking to clarify the grey area here.
What's your opinion/expertise on this matter?

26 comments:

Bill Stankus said...

I suspect the high road is still the best road.

Ignore the subplot and do as if it is just another marriage. Who needs the devious politics? Payback is a two way street.

Gwen said...

I don't know. Is it addressed to you or the kids? If it's addressed to the kids I think he only wanted them to have an invitation. If it's to you, it's possible it's a slap but you could always choose to believe it was for the kids thereby eliminating being mad and hurt.

Andy said...

That would be fairly malicious if it was supposed to be a direct slap in the face. I'm guessing it was just a courtesy for the kids

BeckEye said...

I've heard about a lot more divorced couples inviting their exes to their weddings. It's odd, but I guess there's no good answer. If you invite the ex, it might seem like you're being insensitive. If you don't, it might seem like you're snubbing them. It's just a weird situation all around.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

To clarify-the invite was addressed to the children only.

Ms. Florida Transplant said...

It was a lame thing to do. Give it to your kids and be done with it.

Or you could hire a group of transgener strippers to show up at the reception now that you know where and when it is.*

Oh, the possibilities... :)

*No offense to your transgendered readers.

LYDIA said...

Yeah I don't think it was meant to be a slap in the face if it was addressed to the children. They probably just wanted them to have an invitation.

Truman Soloist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chloie said...

I think it would be better if you just ignore it. I don't know your ex, but if he's not a spiteful person, he probably doesn't have any ill intent, and it might just be a formal invitation to your kids.

LegalMist said...

Don't know about you, but when I got married, we had to order invitations in batches of 50 or something ridiculous like that. So if you needed 102, you had to get 150. Maybe he just had some extras and thought the kids might like a souvenir?

Or maybe he thought they'd get a kick out of receiving a formal invitation?

It does seem unnecessary in this case, given that they'll be with him all weekend, but I guess as a technical matter, you are supposed to send invitations to the wedding party. So maybe he's operating under some weird and overly strict interpretation of etiquette rules.

Lots of possibilities. If you want to mess with his mind, you could check the "unable to attend"
box and mail it back. ;) Then when he complains, you could say "Oh, I didn't even notice it was addressed to the kids instead of me! Oops! Sorry! And there I was thinking you were being so nice to invite me..."

Joe D. said...

After reading it four or five times I've come to this conclusion. . .I don't know what to say because I've never been divorced. I say do whatever you feel is right.


P.S. Hey Candy can you e-mail me asap.

TOWWLBlog@hotmail.com

Scope said...

Ladies, he's a guy. This was a shot. Oh, it might have been wrapped up in the disguise of doing something nice for the kids, but there was ONLY ONE! Who gets to keep it? The daughter or the son?

He was rubbing your nose in it. And if they wedding party is only bride, groom, daughter, son, then I don't picture this as some big fancy shindig where Hoyle's Book of Rules is applied to invatation cards.

I'd circular file it. Damn post ofice keeps loosing crap.

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

Best thing you can do is not give two shits and a flying fuck about it. Who cares what the idiot meant by it?

John said...

Absolutely EVERY divorced person I know got divorced FOUR years ago...how is that? ; )

When I got divorced 4 YEARS AGO, mine was, and continues to be, very civil. My ex is re-married now (and I wasn't invited to the wedding). There were no children involved, which obviously made things easier. Still, I'm thankful that it was abnormally amicable.

I obviously don't know the details of your situation, but whatever your ex's intent, I agree with Bill, take the high road. It will serve you best in the long run. : )

SkylersDad said...

I think that he might be trying to do the right thing, but doesn't know how. Talk to the kids about the whole thing, keep it nice.

If that fails, call me. I am accurate out to 1000 yards...

slopmaster said...

if I was divorced I'd do the same thing, and I hope you would too. You're divorced, which makes you the last person on the 'person for whose feelings I care if I hurt' scale.

Heff said...

I agree with Stankus.

AngieS said...

Chances are, the ex didn't send the invitations. Not to offend male readers out there, but most guys don't send out the invitations, the bride usually does it. HOWEVER, you can choose to think about it, stew over it, and let it ruin your day....or you can send back the RSVP, forget about it,have a great day and get the best revenge ever.... living well and being happy.
I speak from experience. My ex husband is a wonderful guy, but his last girlfriend (he lived with her for 6 years)was SATAN... she hated me and our children. I chose not to think about her until I had to, and only then for the least amount of time possible. Not dwelling on it was the only thing that kept me sane... and out of jail!

TishTash said...

For the sake of rebuilding my faith in humanity, I hope it was sent as a courtesy.

TROLL said...

No formal invitation was necessary and it was bad form to send it. If Jackass's wedding is anything like mine was, he probably isn't making those types of decisions anyway. I mostly said "Okay" to Mrs. Troll and her estrogen-posse, signed checks, and fantasized about a Vegas elopement with no guests.

Ugly Scott said...

i'm the last person to vote on right and wrong. all i know is what i did. i told my kids to show up. i don't send invitations to my own children. can't think of why i would. i like the high road as well, but for me it is a public road.

SouthernBelle said...

Ooh, interesting one! I definitely understand why you're asking the question even if you don't particularly give a shit, because there are so many possibilities!

I was coming down on the side of charitably thinking he just wants the kids to have one, but as I read the other comments I changed my mind... I think it may well be the new bride being a bitchface. I mean, if by mail, then why not one for each child? And why by mail? Are they not going to see the kids at all before the wedding?

Bambi said...

If you were really 'friends' after the fact and still bantered about daily bs, i would say it is a real invitation to join in the celebration, however that is pretty much non existant for most divorces, so i'm going to go out on a limb and suggest it's a poke in the eye from the new lady, and a ha ha from your ex. I would reply that i'm coming, with my husband, then make a date elsewhere claiming last minute 'issues' and have a nice romantic dinner with your wonderful hubby- and lets face it, you traded up!

Cowguy said...

Uh... that'd be "war".

Fancy Schmancy said...

Sorry, have to say the ex might be a dumb donkey and doesn't realize the new bride thinks it's a good idea for the kids to feel invited and have a keepsake of her, I mean the special moment.

As a survivor of multiple families, it's easier to believe people are just stupid, rather than malicious.

Cora said...

I think Scope is right. It's a jab.

I went through a similar thing when my ex got remarried. He didn't give me an invitation, but he acted like he assumed I was going to attend, and even said to me "Instead of buying us a big present, I want you to come be our wedding photographer. That's what gift I want from you." Needless to say I was NOT planning on attending nor giving them any sort of gift whatsoever. (backstory: he had an affair with her and that is why our marriage ended....AND HE THOUGHT I WOULD WANT TO GO TO THEIR WEDDING AND GIVE THEM A GIFT?! Ummm, hell no!).

Long story short, I did not go. I did not give them a gift. I was not their photographer. He did repeatedly try to trick me into watching the video tape of their wedding though. And I know absolutely that it was all done to rub my nose in it. What a jerk.