The Maturity of Meatloaf, Mashed Potatoes And Green Beans

I believe the roots of maturity can be linked to the time that you realize that meatloaf is not what you thought it to be. What used to be the worst, most disgusting food on the planet, you suddenly find yourself deciding that instead, it's quite good. Meatloaf night, as a kid, was a fate worse than death, but you somehow managed to hide most of it, undetected, under the mashed potatoes and went straight to dessert. Then somewhere along the way, you and your taste buds graduated to appreciate it for what it is, a wholesome yet tasty comfort food.

The gateway through meatloaf can take you on a crash course of other previously denounced cuisines. All at once you begin exploring food options that at one time were off limits. Fish? Might not be so bad. Spinach? Essential and pure; as well as other veggies-cauliflower, carrots, peas and brussel sprouts. The mature mind becomes hungry for the goodness it has been missing.

Once the floodgates of meatloaf maturity are opened, there's no stopping one from tasting any and all obscure food choices. The palate is now the scholar and the education, inviting and challenging, with more than a few surprises along the way. Pea soup, eggs, mushrooms, oysters, salmon, tomato juice, even tongue. One thinks, "If meatloaf didn't kill me, maybe these aren't so bad. I'm mature now and I'll try it, at least."

My children are just on the cusp. They will eat half of the meatloaf , mashed potatoes and green beans on their plate, yet still ask for dessert. Upon inspection, I find no meatloaf under the potatoes, but they are still young and time is on their side. They will, however, try new foods. Sushi and spinach among the list of things they now like. They are in the infancy stages of this new found maturity. If only psychological maturity were this easy.



I offer you my favorite recipes for Meatloaf, Mashed Potatoes and Green Beans:

Meatloaf:

2 lbs. 85% lean ground beef
1 cup oats
2 eggs
1 1/4 cup ketchup
1 small onion, chopped
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground black pepper
1/4 cup milk
1/8 tsp Worcestershire Sauce


Pre-heat oven to 350.
Mix ingredients in a large bowl until all ingredients are incorporated.
Place mixture into a 9x5 loaf pan.

Bake 1 hour 15 minutes


Mashed Potatoes:

Peel and cut into quarters 8-10, white potatoes. (Number of potatoes can vary according to servings)

Boil potato quarters in rapidly boiling water until wedges are soft enough to stick a fork through easily.

Drain potatoes and mash in bowl.
Add 3/4 of a stick of butter-cut into pieces-
salt to taste (about a 1/2 tsp)
1/2 cup milk

Mix with a hand mixer until smooth and creamy.
Serve immediately.


Green Beans:

Steam 4 cups cut up green beans (till tender when pierecd with fork) in microwave or on stovetop-according to stovetop steamer directions and/or microwave directions.

Drain beans and put in serving bowl.
Add 2-3 TBSP butter and mix until melted.
Top off with garlic salt to taste. (about 1/2 teaspoon)

Serve immediately.

From The Archives Of My Mind: Woods Parties

I grew up in a small rural town in a southern suburb of Boston. It was, and still is a great little town, with a top school system and a high median priced home. There were lots of sprawling hills and woods aplenty, which today I am surprised to see have turned into massive sub-divisions with equally massive homes. I still have family that lives in the town and as I was driving through recently, I went by one of the subdivisions I referred to and remembered what it used to be. Miles and miles of undisturbed woods. Of course things were different back then, and as kids in high school do, we appreciated and utilized the woods for their intended splendor; a great cover for our woods parties.

If I remember correctly, what started out as a group of freshman in high school looking for a discreet place to illegally drink undetected, quickly turned into our chosen weekend destination. We called it "84", the name paying homage to the year of our graduating class. 84 was deep in the woods along a horse farm lined street, with the entrance at the top of a field. We would enter through the field, cases of beer and brown paper bags in hand, and walk until we reached a clearing in the woods. There, we built a huge fire pit, complete with seating, out of logs and rocks. We lit a fire, brought a "boom box", and got wasted under the twinkle of the stars in the sky. It was great and soon enough, word got out around the school. Each weekend, more and more upperclassmen came to join in the celebration at 84. Some of my most memorable high school social triumphs and tribulations took place in the woods at that sacred place.

But, as with all good things which inevitably come to an end, the triumph of 84 did indeed come to an end. With the influx of upperclassmen came their cars, and more bodies which meant more alcohol and more volume. It certainly didn't take long for the jig to be up. The music got louder, the cars became noticeably lined along the quiet street and the cops in the small town were bored enough to have a reason to pounce. The first time it happened, I remember looking up and seeing the boys in blue standing at attention around the fire. Imagine tons of kids scattering like cockroaches under a just lit a light bulb, running through the thick of the woods. The woods were dense and dark and the cops were greatly out numbered, but they pursued us on foot without much success.

Most of us ended up with multiple scrapes, cuts, and bruises from tree branches or sprained ankles and a concussion or two from running full speed into a large tree trunk in the black of the thick woods. This quickly became the game. It was us against them, and if you went to 84 for an evening, the chances were great that you would end up "running from the bust" as we used to call it. Even though we always entered through the same place, we ended up coming out at different spots and you never ended up with the friends that you came with. Instead you ended up with whomever happened to be running in the same direction as you, no where near where you started. Usually on a dimly lit street somewhere in the town and you and the kids you hardly knew had to trek back home on foot. Great times.

As a parent of a high school aged child now, I think back at the dangers of our weekends at 84 with wonder. This was before cell phones and we irresponsibly ran rampant around our quiet town. The local papers published articles with the police chief warning parents about the perils of "out of control underage drinking in the woods". It's a wonder no one was killed or abducted. The horror we all put our parents through. But somehow it seemed like a different time back then and most certainly a different world. A pure and innocent world where running from the cops on a Saturday night was a rite of passage.

The Ex Files

I have a question that I need your valued opinion on.

Emily Post, I'm not, so I figured I'd ask all of you. You guys always give me the best advice anyway, so here goes:

Is it proper etiquette to send your upcoming wedding invitation to your ex-wife's home?

Granted, your two children live in your ex-wife's home and both children make up the entire wedding party. It's pretty much a sure bet-a lock- that both of them will be there. The children are kids-ages 14 and 12, so they are not invited "with guests". The kids will be with him on that entire weekend, so they have no need for time, place, and all the other things a wedding invitation entails.

Now before you go thinking I have "bitter ex-wife syndrome", let me explain. Four years later, we have both effectively moved on and the wedding has been a known fact for quite some time. No surprises. I habor no ill will towards anyone other than Jackass for other reasons far too numerous to mention here. For the sake of the children we manage to be civil-most of the time. Makes us no different than the thousands of other divorced poeple in the world.

When I got the mail and saw the invitation, I found it a bit strange, but at first glance I thought to myself, "OK, they need to respond", but the more I let it marinate in my mind, the more I think this was meant to be a direct slap in my face.

Of course, by giving it life and putting it to words here on The Dandy, I have effectively lit the match and ignited the bonfire that was intended. And Jackass would like nothing better, but sorry to disappoint, I am now curious and I am looking to clarify the grey area here.

What's your opinion/expertise on this matter?

I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

I was at the local Barnes and Noble about two weeks ago. I made my purchases and was walking out of the store, gloves on and keys in hand, when a book on the table closest to the door caught my eye. It's title, "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell". I picked it up and turned it over where my eyes were met with the first words on the back, "My name is Tucker Max and I am an a**hole." Immediately, I was hooked. I then opened the book and started reading through it. Much to my delight, I quickly realized that this was a book full of previously posted blog entries. A blogger done good! I could hardly believe it. Of course, I had to buy it.

"The runaway New York Times best seller" is described as "highly entertaining and thoroughly reprehensible". They weren't kidding. Tucker Max, author of the blog posts, parlayed his hilarious, completely offensive, sophomoric, outlandish life experiences into blog posts on his wildly popular web site, TuckerMax.com, and then into a best seller in 2006. A twenty-something law student at the time of most of the posts, Tucker's tales of his complete and uncautionary abuse of both alcohol and women are in one word-unbelievable.

If his book is correct, it's a miracle that Tucker still has the use of his liver and has not, at this point, succumbed to the dangers of a sexually transmitted disease. With titles like, "Tucker Tries Butt Sex; Hilarity Does Not Ensue, The Night We Almost Died and The Worst Tucker Story Ever", the book is both engrossing and repulsive.

And I am recommending it to you.

I couldn't put it down. I laughed hard, was utterly repulsed, questioned it's authenticity at times, and was offended, but I can't say I wasn't entertained. It was an easy read and I admire his style of writing. The boy can tell a story.

Since the book was published in 2006, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell has been made into an independently financed movie and his book has been revised and expanded with new material. You can follow all the movie's comings and goings on ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com. It's just about the only place that Tucker himself blogs regularly, when he is not on tour for the re-release of his book.

The Tucker Max book tour hit Boston last night and I had to see this guy for myself. The line to see Tucker snaked throughout the entire book store and his fans were rowdy. Let's just say that his fans are made up of 20-25 year old college guys and young ladies looking for a, er, um, a good time with Tucker the man. When I met him he looked spent. Maybe he had overindulged the night before and Tucker, 33 now, is no spring chicken anymore. This was not the Tucker in the book. I get the feeling he is more serious these days. He wanted to talk about the movie and how good it is, his pride showing, as it should be.

Funny, Tucker's way of greeting me with a smile was this, "It's really nice to see an adult here."

I'm not quite sure how to take that.

It was almost like he was resigned to his plight in life.

Regardless, he still signed my book like this:

Which reads: "Candy, I'm awesome Tucker Max"

Today's Special: Falsies

Have I got your attention?? Yeah, I thought so.




Today I'm talking about Falsies.

But not the kind you think....Sorry Fellas...Peace out, this is your cue to leave if you want to. (but don't say I never gave you anything)

Today I'm taking about these kind of falsies:

False eyelashes. Diamonds and false eyelashes are indeed a girls best friend! Take a look at any celebrity gossip magazine and you will see Hollywood's A-lister's all wearing false eyelashes-and these are not your mother's false eyelashes. The falsies of today are better than ever and easy to apply and use.

Let's start with the basics: ie; the cheap ones.

• Ardell brand or Maybelline. You can find them at any of your local drugstores, Target, Wallgreens or Walmart. Prices range from $3.00-$5.00.

Cheap false eyelashes are just as good if not better (at times) than their pricer competitors. With an array of styles to choose from, a good general rule of thumb is to go with whatever you think will enhance your natural eye lash without leaving you looking like you are wearing false eyelashes. The key word being "enhance"- if you have sparse eyelashes naturally, choose a false eyelash that has enough depth and lash, but not too dense. You don't want to risk being constantly asked, "Are you wearing false eyelashes?" And at $3.00 a piece you can afford to buy more than one style and experiment.

Expensive Brands:

• Mac and Shu Uemura have the best in the business, but I tend to lean towards Mac. There are lots of styles to choose from, each reflecting the users intent and desire. If I were to choose a basic style, I would go with 2 Lash for $12.00. This lash adds length with just the right amount of density and can be trimmed to the users tastes.

Application:

Here is where everybody panics! Fear not, false eyelashes are child's play and if you can apply eyeliner to your eyes, you can apply false eyelashes no problem.

• Complete eye make-up. (except for upper lid eyeliner and mascara)
• Curl your eyelashes with an eyelash curler.
• Remove false lash from the box and lay it on your lash line until you feel comfortable with exactly where it is going to go and how it is going to look. You can trim the false lash with a pair of small eyebrow grooming scissors if they are too long.
• Using a q-tip, apply the lash glue, in a thin layer, across the base of lash. Wait 10-15 seconds, until glue becomes tacky, then using tweezers apply them to base of lid. Let lash dry to set for one minute.
• Apply liquid liner over the base of your eyelash and the false eyelash to conceal any exposed glue and for a more dramatic look. Helpful tip: keep your elbow on the top of the surface you are working on. This will aid in creating a smooth line and will keep your hand steady.
• Apply mascara to your new lashes (both the false eyelashes and yours)-although you shouldn't over do it. A light coat is all that's needed to do the trick.
• Lashes are re-usable (keep the container they came in for storage) and should peel off at the evening's end with ease.

So there you have it! I highly recommend you try them.

You think Kim Kardashian has naturally lush, gorgeous, black lashes?? Maybe, but not that lush. No, you can bet she has a personal make-up artist to apply her lashes for photo ops. And so many others!! Everyone is doing it!

So before you decide to shell out tons of money for those expensive eyelash extentions at your local salon, give these a whirl and come back here and tell me how you did!!

The World According To Jerry Maguire

"That's how you become great man. You hang your balls out there"

Long haired hippie in the copy shop...Jerry Maguire

She calls it a memo, he insists it was only it a mission statement.

Either way, it implications are at the crux of the wisdom that is Jerry Maguire.

I first saw this film on the big screen when it came out and remembered that I loved it. Since then I have seen it numerous times, but just last week, I caught the 1996 movie starring Tom Cruise, Renee Zellweger and Cuba Gooding Jr. for the first time in years and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Because this time was different. This time, it was as if I had seen it for the very first time and it's message was not lost on me. I saw it for it's wisdom.

Tom Cruise plays Jerry Maguire, the "love you too" sports agent with a soul, to perfection as he deals with his internal conflict that results in consequential life lessons along his journey.

"Bob Sugar said I don't know what it's like to be a black person?? I'm Mr. black people!"

"I'm finished, I'm fuc*ed. 24 hours ago, man I was hot! Now I'm a cautionary tale. You see this jacket I'm wearing? You like it? Because I don't really need it because I am cloaked in failure! I lost the number one draft pick the night before the draft! Why? Lets recap-I had two slices of bad pizza, went to bed and grew a conscience."

"Matt, tell me you didn't sign because I'm still kind of moved by your,'my word is stronger than oak thing'."

"You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It is an up-at-dawn, pride swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about."

A fresh faced unknown in her breakout role, Renee Zellweger stars as Dorothy Boyd his long suffering assistant. A young, widowed, single mother, Dorothy finds herself caught up in the romance of inspiration.

"First class is what's wrong honey. It used to be a better meal. Now it's a better life."

"Look at me Laurel. I am the oldest 26 year old in the world."

"Do you know what other women my age are doing right now? They're out partying in clubs trying to get a man, keep a man. Not me Laurel, I'm trying to raise a man."

And, of course, Cuba Gooding Jr. in his Academy Award winning "show me the money" role as Jerry's only remaining client, Rod Tidwell. Tidwell, an NFL football player whose loyalty to Jerry and the money prove to be the perfect background for his purpose as Jerry's "wildly charismatic" oracle.

"Hell yeah, that's my word. They may have the coin, but they'll never have the Quan. It means love, respect, community and the dollars too. The entire package, the Quan."

"You are hanging on by a very thin thread and I dig that about you." " That's the difference between us. You think we're fighting and I think we're finally talking."

"I feel you dawg, but a real man would not shop-lift the pootie from a single mother."

Throughout this film, bits of wisdom and the realities of life are dolled out to the viewer in generous portions. Jerry is left in his fragile state to sort through the lemons and make cinematic lemonade.

Bob Sugar- Jerry's former mentee and rival sports agent whose ferocious attempts to destroy Jerry's career make him the smug rouge we love to hate.

"I haven't seen you since we were with that stripper in Laguna Beach. Do you remember her name? I do. It was April. That's my job; to remember the names of skanks that you bang on the road. That's what I do. It's not about the money. I do it all for you."

"Are you in or are you out? It's not show friends, it's show business." "I will kill for you. I will maim for you. I will rape and pillage for you."

"This is a nice moment for you. I'm gonnna let you have it."

Avery Bishop- Jerry's insensitive yet beautiful , ex-fiance.

"If you ever want me to be with another woman for you, I would do it. I'm not interested in it. There was a time, yes it felt normal for me, but it was a phase, a college thing, like torn Levis or law school for you."

"You are Jerry MaFU*KINGguire. King of the house calls. Master of the living room."

"Brutal truth, remember. There is a sensitivity thing that some people have. I don't have it. I don't cry at movies. I don't gush over babies. I don't start celebrating Christmas 5 months early and I don't tell the man who just screwed up both our lives, 'oh poor baby'. That's me for better or worse."

Marcy Tidwell-Rod's pregnant, hard-nosed but loving wife.

" If you ask me you haven't gotten emotional enough over this man."

"You'll go back and say what? Please remove your dick from my ass?? I'm sorry, I'm just a little pregnant right now."

"Baby this is you and me. We determine our world. You are a strong, proud, surviving, splendid black man"

Laurel Boyd-Dorothy's divorced, bitter, "disapproving sister"

"Men are just different people when they are hanging on to the bottom wrung."

"Take it easy. Don't cry at the beginning of a date. Just cry at the end, like I do."

To Jerry: "You fu*ck this up and I'll kill you."

Chad-Dorothy's son Ray's jazz loving baby sitter.

"Nanny? I prefer 'childcare technician'."

Jerry: "So you're the Nanny?"

Chad: "Au pair."

"This is Miles Davis and John Coltrane, Stolkholm, 1963. Two masters of freedom playing at a time before their art was corrupted by a zillion cocktail lounge performers who destroyed the legacy of the only American art form. Jazz. No barriers, no boundaries."

And Jerry's mentor, the late, great Dicky Fox whose Aristotle-like wisdom, peppered

throughout the film, serve to surmise the theme of this film.

"The key to this business is personal relationships."

"Unless you love everybody, you can't sell anybody."

"I don't have all the answers. In life, I've failed as much as I've succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life and I wish you my kind of success."

Jerry Maguire learned a hard-fought lesson. You can still achieve success if you remember to believe in yourself, value your integrity and listen to the lessons that love can teach you.

The Great Facebook Debate

I got a text the other night from a friend of mine that I used to work in sports with-back in the day. We reacquainted a couple of summers ago at Fenway, he's a camera man for the local sports network and we picked up right where we'd left off. He's a great guy, funny as hell, married and has teens, so we have a lot in common. Sometimes, during crazy, exciting Sox games-we text back and forth about the games highlights. Sports and history being our common threads. My exchange with CameraMan, as I will call him, started out like this:

CAMERAMAN: you on face book?

ME: no, I'm too old. that would just be creepy. I do have a blog though.

CM: where?

ME: blogspot.com. I post daily.

CM: about what?

ME: *Whatever. today I blogged about Barstool Sports and how I want a job writing for them. Lots of bloggers tell me that are plenty of people my age on it.(facebook) I have a 14 year old on it. I don't think that would be cool.

CM: there are a ton of people our age!!

ME: isn't it a picture sharing site?

CM: nooo so much better than that

ME: What makes it better?

CM: networking. meeting old friends yadda

ME: That's what Ive heard. When did you join?

CM: couple of weeks ago.

At this point CameraMan calls me up. (us old geezers just decide to talk to each other rather than text the conversation any longer) CameraMan tells me that he has talked to a bunch of people he hasn't seen in years, people from high school, the town he grew up in and all kinds of friends of friends he hasn't seen or thought of in years. He said he's really enjoying the networking on Facebook. My immediate response is, "yeah but what about my daughter?" CameraMan tells me his teen step-son is on Facebook and he's cool with it and even checks out his page every now and again and inquires about people in the pictures. He invited me to go check his page out and join as one of his friends.

This now marks the second time in a few weeks that someone has approached me about Facebook. My best friend, who lives in NYC, and I had a discussion almost verbatim about Facebook a week ago. At the time I dismissed the notion, firm in the belief that Facebook was not for me. Hell-I spend/waste waaaaaaay too much of my day as it is on Blogger. Why add another log to the fire???

What's the deal with this Facebook thing?? I will admit I am intrigued at the prospect of seeing who is out there and possibly reaquainting with some ghosts from my past. The fact that my daughter has an account and I always considered it "her thing" prevents me from doing it.

Give me your Facebook wisdom.

EDIT: Scope and I also had the Facebook discussion a week ago-which makes THREE. Are the Facebook Gods trying to tell me something??

*there's that word again!