Friday, December 18, 2009

Poor Patty

Company Christmas Party

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 12, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November13, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 16, 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November16, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?! ?

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 17, 2008
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 17, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!


Scope said...

My previous employer tended to send out the sexual harassment reminder letter the afternoon of the holiday party.

Joker_SATX said...

I love it when political correctness flies a little far to the left. That's where the fun begins.

Good post...The Joker Chuckles!

Mrs. Holly Hall said...



I'm all about the diversity love-seriously-

but when did celebrate Christmas and all the AWESOMENESS THAT IS CHRISTMASS become an insult to those that do not celebrate.

yes, I say yes, kiss my ass!

Or better yet, come over here, try some of my old timey nog with four types of hard liquor, and soon, we'll all be feel quite lubed and none of differences will matter!!


Anonymous said...


where did we go wrong and how has it gotten to this?

Cowguy said...

Sexual harassment, improper... actually improper everything is rampant at my workplace. 'Cause see, I'm self employed. It's me and my wife. I know my boundaries though. She packs a 38.

Oh and we eat a lot of meat, and too odd for words, while I was reading this the place where we take our calves to be butchered called for cutting instructions. Weird.

lol loved the post Candy!

SkylersDad said...

This is one of my favorite holiday jokes, never gets old!!

Soda and Candy said...

It can be tough for people who are used to only having to consider their own cultural events and religious preferences to learn to acknowledge those of others as equally important.

Soda and Candy said...

Sorry, that was a bit snarky. I know I didn't respond in the spirit in which this post was offered.

Happy Holidays, Candy!

Mr. Knucklehead said...

This one floats around every year, and it's always good for a laugh. Thanks for bringing it back, Candy!

Merry Christmas to you!

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

BWwaaaaaa....That's some funny stsuff!!!

the walking man said...

Times have changed. Last company holiday party I went to (years ago) the union supplied the booze and pot and the foremen supplied the food. The following Monday we were right back to them versus us but for that one day we all got along famously.

Fragrant Liar said...

HAHAHAHAHA. The pricelessness of being PC.

Elenka said...

That is pretty funny! Sad, but funny.