Tuesday, September 1, 2009

"If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?"

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
=0 A

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.


Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.


Scope said...

Hey Cora, does the guy in the picture look vaguely familiar? :-)

Candy, great little story. Loved the wife's PS.

katrocket said...

I enjoyed this immensely once I realized this was a joke and not something that was actually happening to YOU. But now that I think of it... 10 million goes pretty far in Jamaica.

The Dental Maven said...

Savoir faire!

wigsf said...

whatta bitch

Slyde said...

where did you find that letter? i was SURE i had burned it!

just a girl... said...

thank god for this post

Bill Stankus said...

You have a future as a marriage councilor!

Jimmy Bastard said...

A classic... I laughed..a lot!

Scandalous Housewife said...

I just love stories with happy endings!

Lulu LaBonne said...

That made me laugh too, take Bill's advice

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...


Cora said...

OH GAWWWWWWD!! TOO FUNNY!! Candy, I laughed so hard I still have the tears on my shirt!


@ Scope: Why, yes. Yes, he does. Think maybe that's what made it so f*cking funny? ;-)

CatLadyLarew said...

Sounds familiar!