Friday Funny

A Woman writes to the IT Technical Support Guy

RE: INSTALLING HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelry Applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled another valuable program, Romance 9.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and SPORTS 4.1

What can I do?

Reply:-

Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: "ithoughtyoulovedme.html" and try to download
Tears 6.2. Then it will automatically run the applications Jewelry 3.0 and Flowers 3.5

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 3.5 or Beer 6.1.

Also DO NOT disturb the original package of Husband 1.0.... Otherwise new virus Girlfriend 2.5 will automatically be downloaded into your system.

So be careful. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 Program. These are unsupported applications and will Crash Husband 1.0.

We recommend: Cooking 5.0 and Cute Looks 7.7

Good Luck Madam.

Happy Friday bloggers! And try to remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. 

Today's Special: 2 For 1 A "Real Bargain"

So there has been a lot of funny talk about marriage at The Daily Dandy lately. I called to memory-and even pulled up and recited-a post that made me chuckle. I thought it really put things into perspective then and I still do now, as I have repeated this story more than once in the past week.I hope it brings you a laugh and some perspective too.


This is a RE-POST which first appeared here on July 29th, 2010. Titled "Divine Intervention"

So I was at my store the other day and one of my favorite customers and I were having a chat. We were talking about marriage and spouses and such, seeing as I'm heading down that path again in just 5 short weeks. We talked about longevity and commitment and how marriage is work. I was telling her that my mom has been complaining that she is really frustrated with my dad lately, for one reason or another. My customer then relayed this story to me, which I found to be quite amusing, indeed. I then, immediately relayed the story to my mom. True or not, this is one I will remember.

She told me that she had seen an interview with the Rev Billy Graham and that she always calls it to mind when she is feeling less than amorous with her spouse. She said it gives her peace.
The story goes like this:

The Reverend was asked by the interviewer if the Lord had ever spoken to him directly. The Reverend response was, "Only once." He went on to say that he had been arguing with his wife one day and while shaving his face alone in the bathroom, still stewing over the specifics of their argument, the Lord spoke to him and said, "You're no bargain, either."

I couldn't help but think it was genius.

Whether or not the higher power actually intervened and spoke those words of truth to the Reverend is completely irrelevant to the point, which is, so true.

"You're no bargain, either"

Damn, ain't that the truth.
This is not an endorsement of the Reverends teachings, or a religious or political agenda advancement. It's just a simple take on that age-old commitment of marriage.

It sure puts things into perspective doesn't it?

Friday Funny Flashback

*This is a re-post from The Daily Dandy, April 2010


Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger, he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Have a great weekend bloggers and try think before you speak.

Face The Truth

I had an interesting conversation with a client yesterday about the injectable beauty treatment Botox. She asked me how I felt about Botox and if I had "experimented' with it. I gave her my opinion and she then told me an interesting thing. She went on to tell me about a very good friend of hers who is trained in a highly specialized discipline called Micro Expression Recognition. She explained how these people are experts in facial recognition and can read your true emotions by studying the facial expressions of the face. Interesting enough, right?

She told me that her friend told her she would NEVER let her get Botox because it would, "ruin her marriage".

Now I was intrigued.

Her friend, she said, believes that in order to communicate with a spouse, the expressions of the face are crucial to giving and receiving emotion. Botox, when injected into the face, 'freezes' expression lines, giving some a motionless face in certain areas. Long since favored by women everywhere to reduce wrinkles, Botox's popularity is by no means waning. In fact it's gathering momentum and Botox injections are becoming so commonplace that women are holding "parties" with their friends to get their injections.

 Are millions of women putting their marriages in jeopardy all for the sake of beauty? A quick check on the subject proves that my client's friend's theory has some scientific weight to it. THIS article goes on to say that Botox does "impair the ability to process the emotional content of language, and may diminish the quality of the emotional experience", but it also states that the media has "overstated" the results of this study and that more investigation is needed.

I say that anything is fine in moderation. So if you think your marriage is in trouble because of your injectable fillers, I've got news for you: there's more to it than meets the eye...no matter if the eye has tell tale "crows feet" or not. It may be time for you to face the truth about your marriage.

Goin' To The Chapel

Wedded bliss. A celebration of love. Weddings are a huge day in the life of two people who pledge to unite in love forever. Guest come and wish the couple well with toasts that bestow wisdom and blessings. It is a cause for celebration and a memory for the ages. Yes, marriage can be a great send off to the rest of your life.

But what if it's not what you thought it was going to be? What happens when-you know- like you know deep in the pit of your soul- that the decision to marry is not right? And you confide your fears to people you love and trust, listen to their advice, then convince yourself that you are doing it for all the right reasons. Because you convince yourself that you can't get out of it. Then what? Do you then become a statistic? And the "how long is this gonna last?" pool begins amongst your closest allies. Sorry, but we all saw this coming a mile away.

What happens when you cry, like a lot? And you are really not into the whole planning thing and you start drinking, like a lot, and lounging on the sofa way too long and sort of give up. It's probably a warning sign that this "wedding thing" is not for you. Is there pressure from your partner? From your family? Financial obligations involved in the wedding? I'm thinking you gotta play the "in the long run" game. What stings now will soon heal. And believe me-you are not the first one to feel this way. I looked this whole phenomenon up today and the best quote I read was, "If you have to ask the question, 'Should I be getting married?', I think you know what the answer is."

Weddings are not for the faint of heart and quite possibly not for you.

At this time.....

Friday Funny

My husband and I were sitting at a table at my 20th anniversary school reuinion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a table. My husband asked: "Do you know him?"

"Yes," I sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God." said my husband. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?"

Happy weekend Bloggers! Make sure you stop and celebrate the moment!

True Love?

O-h No Khlo! Say It Ain't So

I could hardly believe the news when I heard it this morning. 

Lamar Odom is a crack addict??? Stop it. Really? 

Word outta TMZ land is that Klohe Kardashian's hubby of 4 years, Lamar, has been riding the crack train pretty hard for a few years now and I can't beleve they kept it a secret for this long, but they did. When it comes to all things Kardashian, I have to admit to watching the show regularly, as it's a guilty pleasure I won't deny myself. It's completely mindless which makes it incredibly easy for me to step away from my own madness get lost into the madness of their lives. My Guy says they are responsible for the "dumbing down" of America, and I'd be hard pressed to argue with him. Still I watch the show because there is something uncannily engaging about this self-centered, self absorbed, rediculous bunch. 

Khloe was always my favorite because of her honest, in your face approach. When she married Lamar after meeting 4 weeks before, no one thought it would last. Khloe and Lamar beat the odds and became fan favorites in the process. I watched the now defunct series, "Khloe and Lamar"  and followed their first years as newlyeds. They seemed to have it all, but word now is Lamar had been battling the demons of drug use all the while. 

So comes today's report that I read on Sports Illustrated.com that Lamar has been missing for three days and feared to be on a crack-fuled drug binge. TMZ is reporting That Khloe threw Lamar out of their house on Wednesday when Lamar would not coorporate with a planned intervention. Apparently fed up with Lamar's drug use, Khloe gave her husband an ultimatum: Clean up or get out. Odom chose the latter and has not been in contact with anyone since. 

Such a shame, really. It would seem that they had a great marriage and life together, but everything is not always as it would seem. I wish them both strength and peace as they travel this ugly road ahead and Ii will hope for the best. Obnoxious or not, rich, spoiled, entitled, overbearing and any other adjective you can attach to the Kardashian moniker, this stuff is real. And stuff this real is hard and has a 50-50 chance of ending very badly. 

I don't  wish that kind of pain on anyone. 

Bad Joke Friday

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!”

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.

Jack asked, “Son, what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

His son replied, “Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone b*tch, I’m married!

First Impressions That Last A Lifetime

So my friend sent me this and I thought I'd share with you.

Her First Date
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car,yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out?

He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, in a world not too long ago, a wife's job was to serve her man....
Oh, how the times have changed. The wives and mother's of today have redefined their roles and our fore-mothers fought valiantly for our equality.

Thank you, Gloria Steinem? The woman suffragettes?

These are so REDONK that I had to share them with you.



Ya, millions of housewives today are still taking pep vitamins to get through the day, "cuter". But they are no longer called "pep" vitamins, they are called "perks".

Hmmmm, "for sale by all Druggists".....That hasn't really changed much either.

Ok, so this one gets me crazy. Notice it's a woman's hand with the beer opener? Is she drinking the beer herself? I think not. Again, I'm thinking all the beer cans will open this easy so that a woman can serve her man and his obnoxious buddies....

Are you f-ing kidding me?

See? Our mothers did it and we turned out 1 in 13 alcoholics.

I'm digging this whole James Bond Vibe, but really? And they went with this ad? Don Draper should be fired and the guy here should be kicked in the balls. Just sayin....

May I Have This Dance?

I thought this was the greatest thing. Some people are truly brilliant.

It's worth the 7 minutes, if you have the time.

Separate Lives

After 25 years of marriage, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver announce their separation. It seems sad, really that this couple, who seemingly had it all, are ending their union. But it's not at all shocking. What would be shocking is if President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama announced their separation while in office, but this announcement is worth noting.

Marriage seems to be a detriment these days, and I wonder why most people can't or won't put up and shut up like our founding fathers did. What does this say about our society today? Are we not built for commitment? I come from a broken marriage, but it was not of my choosing. I thank the good Lord above for getting me out when he did, but I may not have chosen to end it if I was left to my own decision. THEN. Knowing what I know now, I would have ran for the hills, but in my ignorance, a modern girl like me had an old fashioned take on marriage.

Now I've gone and done it again and I'm so happy I did, pledging this time to honor and love and go where ever it is my marriage takes me. Am I crazy? I think not. I'm just hopeful and happy. Today. But what happens when that happiness fades and life throws some curve balls at me? Do we just get out? Is this how it works? It was reported that Marie Osmond just remarried her first husband, again. So what are the odds of them making it this time around? Did they just realize they made a rush decision to divorce the first time, or was there something worth saving there?

Jesse James is probably the most hated man in America for cheating on every body's sweetheart, Sandra Bullock. There's no way these two could have stayed together after the news of his illicit affairs during their marriage hit the press. But that's what society says. What did they say to each other in those final days? In some way I think when a man cheats, he knows that there is no turning back after the crime has been committed. I believe it is a cowards way to end a marriage because the act speaks the words the coward is unable to say.

Just like Brad and Jen. Brad knew he had crossed the line, and try as honorably as he might, everybody knew the line had been crossed. He had no choice, he had to get out. But what happens when there is just nothing left in the marriage tank void of infidelities? They separate. They live alone and trudge through life without the other. Maybe they turn to someone else. Maybe not. Maybe they work it out. Maybe they don't. Life offers no assurances, but I somehow hope that marriage has not become disposable.

Here's an old fashioned girl who believes in commitment, throwing her hat into the ring.

I hope Arnold and Maria work it out.

What Would Bambi Do?

So recently, it has come to my attention that My Guy reads my blog more than I thought he did. What I thought was that he rarely or never reads it so I was mistaken. Last week he told me he had a topic for my blog, which I thought was great because as you all know, there are days we all search for inspiration for blog topics. Anyhow, he went on to give me his idea, which is really more of a debate, and I immediately dismissed him, with my quick rhetoric and a definitive answer. He, of course had an intelligent rebuttal and a spirited debate ensued. I, clearly for the one side, he for the other.

The next day, over dinner he said, "I see you didn't take my advice and post my blog topic." Oh, so you've been reading my blog, I thought. Interesting. I told him that although I thought the debate was pretty cut and dry on the PRO for my side, I agreed that I would give him my forum to house his debate today.

So here goes: And please don't hold back bloggers. Let's show the real world how articulate and convincing us bloggers can be. (and immature and crude and funny too)

What's the difference between the Harvard professor, up in a tree stand killing innocent animals in the wild, and what Michael Vick did with the dogs? Why is one socially acceptable and one is criminal?

I will monitor all responses and post my stance on this issue later today.
Make me proud, peeps.

Scenes From A Bonfire

Today's post is a re-post from Oct 31, 2008. The scene that plays out here really happened in my backyard. Guest 2 is a good friend and Guest 1 was her, at the time, new boyfriend. I post this in honor of the couple, now married, who will welcome their new born daughter at some time today. Congrats to Mr and Mrs Fabulous! Looks like your fire for each other has never gone out.

EXT. BACKYARD BONFIRE-10pm

Male HOST sits at a backyard bonfire on a crisp autum night with his two guests.

GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 are young people in a committed relationship.

GUEST 1 is a male and GUEST 2 is a female. GUEST 2 is making smores over the CRACKLING fire, the marshmallow still melting amongst the flames.

HOST: Tonight marks the first time I have allowed my 12 year old son to go trick-or-treating with a group of his friends without parental supervision.

GUEST 1: (Leaning into GUEST 2) Man, when I was 12 on Halloween, I remember getting my first kiss with Debbie Simpson in the back of my best friends garage. Yeah, that's what I was doing at 12 without my parent's supervision.

GUEST 2: (Looking straight into GUEST 1's eyes) Debbie Simpson? That's the name of the first girl I ever kissed too!

Momentary SILENCE as GUEST 1 and GUEST 2, intensley hold each other's stares.

Robust LAUGHTER ensues.

Glee Free

No Glee recap today, cuz I know how much you people love my Glee recaps. I will say I did watch last night's episode and I LOVED it! So if anyone wants to Gleek out, feel free to drop a comment and we'll discuss. Today I thought I'd discuss the latest news out of Hollywood, about the break up of the marriages of Courtney Cox Arquette and David Arquette and Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman. Needless to say I wasn't shocked as much about the break-ups as I was about who it was that was breaking up.

I'm aware that being married in Hollywood is not at all conducive to a long and happy wedded life. It's a fact. But in the course of tabloid publishing, reading and reporting, I'll bet that these two couples somehow looked like they had the staying power. Let's take Courtney and David. When she married him 11 years ago, during the height of her "Freinds" fame, the world watched and scratched their heads, wondering what she saw in the "goofy, childish" Arquette. I, myself, never thought it would last, nor did I really care, but during those 11 years, the spin on the Arquette's was nothing but positive, loving and fun, both seemingly bringing success into their union. I began to root for them and when they had their daughter, Coco, it looked like their family was intact.

I should have known better. I, of all people, should know that nothing is really ever as it seems. If mis-matched Courtney and David can't make it work, who can? In today's paper, it is being reported that David spoke to Shock Jock Howard Stern yesterday and admitted that the break-up was all his fault. He alleges that he and his wife had not had sex for a month before they separated, so Courtney gave him the go-ahead to "do whatever you have to do". Huh??

So he went and had sex with some famous, celebrity "hanger-on" skank, who has a complete resume on all the celebs she has slept with. Nice move David. I'm sure Coco will be so proud when she looks back on the publicity surrounding her parents break-up. No wonder Courtney, David told Stern, told him, "I don't want to be your mother anymore." Sad truth there.

What about Christina and Jordan? Bratman, who got beat down with the ugly stick more than once (sorry) and his sexy, hot, siren wife Christina Aguilera announced their split yesterday after 5 years of marriage. What the heck?? They looked so much in love. They welcomed their first son a few years ago, appeared publicly together with just the proper amount of PDA and even spoke of their "naked Sundays", where they stayed at home on Sundays all day sans clothing. Hey, whatever works for you. Curiously, they announced that this is a trial separation, and that they may reconcile at some point in the future.

Talk about pressure. Now here's a young couple who I though had it together. You know she didn't marry him for his looks, money or fame, so one could assume that he floated her boat intellectually and physically, but add in the fame factor and any Hollywood marriage is starting out in the negative side of a statistic. Why is this? Who's next? For all that people want to criticize Brad and Angelina for not being married, I have to give them credit. They have six children together and feel no pressure to get married. They have committed themselves to their children and each other and admit that not all days are sunshine and roses. Maybe they have it figured out.

Maybe not. Maybe they will be the next announcement. The world has been waiting for that shoe to drop for a long time. And you know bad news always comes in threes.

Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady

Ok, so enough already about me. I promise I won't bore you with the details about my fabulous wedding anymore. Really, I wont.....after today?

You want to hear about the honeymoon???

Yeah, I thought so.

Sure, I'll give you some of the deets on the honeymoon, but not the ones you're looking for. Hehehehe....Some things are better left unsaid. (Alright, down boys...)

Anyway, Cabo was HEAVEN and rather than tell you I'll show you.

This is the SPECTACULAR Las Ventanas Resort in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I have to tell you, it was the nicest resort I have ever been to. (and I've been to a lot of nice resorts) Believe it or not the pics do not do the minimalistic beauty of this place justice.




This is the view from our outdoor terrace. I took a nap on that couch one afternoon. What you can't see is to the left of this picture, just on the other side of the sofa, the "just small and cozy enough for 2", jacuzzi.















This is the view of the resort from our roof top terrace, one of two terraces that we had with our suite. SICK huh? When we got to our suite, they had Harry Connick Jr crooning on the stereo system, serenading us. Later that evening they served us a private, candle light dinner on the roof top deck.



Sorry for the blurry shot. As beautiful as this dinner upon our arrival was, it was pitch black up there, so they gave us mini flash lights so we could read the menus.

This is the bed in our suite and after we enjoyed our dinner up above, we came down to see it looking like this:

They had aromatherapy candles burning and had drawn us a bath with rose petals.

You getting this?

There was not one request the staff did not cater to and it was always "a pleasure" as they tell you. We had our own butler, who was waiting for us every day to take us to whatever scheduled activity we had, or to bring us whatever we needed. This was heaven to me considering I am the butler to everyone else at home.

We played golf twice and I played quite well, considering I did not play at all this summer. Especially after 9 holes, when I did a complimentary shot of tequila! These people love their tequila and I can see why. Smooth stuff.

Anyway, Las Ventanas is the playground to the stars. Who did we meet there??

That' Ryan Seacrest and his beautiful girlfriend Julianne Hough. They were there for the Labor Day weekend and were quite friendly. I have to give him credit, they were all over the resort, at the restaurants for dinner, breakfast and lunch. They were at the bars, they were at the pool and he didn't really pull a power "celebrity" play. We even had a nice chat with them both in the gift shop. He's really cute and so is she.

The only time I saw him play the celeb card was during this shot. They were eating lunch at the sea grill by the water and wouldn't you know the paparazzi pulled up on a boat to snap pics. Here they are moving them to the back of another restaurant so they could get away from the blood sucking paparazzi.

While sitting at the pool I also met, Bob Harper the trainer from The Biggest Loser. I didn't know it at the time and I still don't know him because I don't watch the show, but I LOVED him and his partner. We had the nicest conversation. Now in hindsight, I can only imagine what he must have thought of me, in my BIKINI...oh, the horror.
Anyway, the honeymoon was unforgettable, the wedding spectacular and today, life is good. Which is really all one can ask for.



But the real bonus for us was the children. They literally stole the show.

They gave the toast which was written by them one night just before the wedding (it was the most time they ever spent together NOT fighting) which brought. the. house. down. They were articulate, dramatic, funny, and serious. They both told My Guy he was officially their father, which brought a tear to his eye, and everyone else's. Then Frick sang, "Today was a Fairytale" by Taylor Swift with the band and everyone was on their feet.



The speech and the song was the proudest 15 minutes of my life.

So if I ever question whether or not my kids were happy with my decision to marry My Guy, all I have to do is look to this picture for the answer.




That day truly was a Fairytale.

Tuesday's Tale

Stan was dying.

His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to", his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."