Desperately Dirty Housewives...A Repost

*The following is a Re-Post-originally posted on The Daily Dandy on Friday, March 6th 2009. It was one of my favorites then and still is now.

I have led a sheltered, sheltered life. Now bear with me here for a moment and you will understand what I'm getting at.

I stopped by the local quick-mart yesterday to pick up some milk on my way home. The gas station/mini mart is located on the main thoroughfare, no more than .5 tenths of a mile from my street, smack dab in the middle of two affluent, suburban communities. I stop in there regularly; to get gas and last minute items and the staff and I are on a friendly, first name basis. We always take a few moments to chat about daily events, and often times they will share a story or two about what goes on in the quick-mart. Yesterday the story was focused on the amount of condoms that are sold in this particular store. The owner asserted that of the four mini marts he owns; this particular location, by far, out sells the others in condom purchases. He added that the purchases are made mostly by women-who appear to be just like me, apparently-and by that he meant your ordinary, every day mom.

Another staff member then proceeded to tell me about these same suburban women; the ones buying the condoms, propositioning him for a little discreet, extra-curricular activity,*wink, wink*. Now they had my attention. We then discussed it a little more. They said well dressed men in business suits also make numerous condom purchases and we all marveled over the frequency of this taking place in an affluent community such as ours. Who'd have thought? Interesting. Wealthy, successful business men and their lonely, neglected wives.

On my way home, armed with this new revelation, my mind went directly to a memory of a similar sort. About 5 years ago, I was waiting at home for a service man to come to turn on my irrigation system. This is a twice yearly appointment, and the homeowner must be present in order for the service tech to have access to the pump located in the basement. The company always give you a 3 hour window for the arrival of the tech. My window was from 9am to 12. I jumped into the shower sometime close to 9, and sure enough, I heard the doorbell just as I was getting out of the shower. I quickly threw on my bathrobe and slippers, wrapped a towel around my head, and rushed to the door.

I told the tech he was welcome to come in and go find the pump in the basement on his own, but that I would just need a few moments to get dressed before I could show him. The tech immediately put up his hand, beating a hasty retreat from the door and said, "I'll do what I need to do out here first. When you're dressed you can come and get me and I'll come in." OK, fine. I get dressed and go find the guy and walk him down to the basement to show him where the pump is. He then says to me, "I hope I didn't offend you by being short with you earlier. It's just that I have learned the hard way never to enter into a home when the lady of the house is dressed in a bathrobe."

Really. Forever the journalist, I pressed him for more information.

"You're kidding me, right?" I said.
"I wouldn't kid about that," he replied.
He proceeded to tell me the stories about how more often than not, the robe and the towel quickly drop to floor. He said he could write a book about the propositions he's received over the years and that despite his warnings, some of the younger guys he works with have actually messed up their relationships over their indulgence in this offer of an"afternoon delight". I was speechless.

Let me go on record here as being fully aware that this could take place anywhere in the US of A, and it is certainly not limited to affluent communities. I just need to wrap my brain around the fact that it actually does happen in real life and not just in Hollywood.
I have lived a sheltered life, for sure, because this stuff never ceases to perplex me. The service guy? The UPS man? The plumber? Not to imply that there is anything wrong with any of those professions. I just don't equate an afternoon quickie with my major kitchen appliance being returned to working order.
I just don't get it. And I'm glad I just don't get it.
Herein lies the point-these women "just aren't getting it" so they're getting it when ever and where ever they can, on the sly. The allure of the forbidden fruit.

This is just one woman's opinion is all, and to each his own, whatever floats your boat and every other seemingly appropriate cliche. I just think there needs to be some sort of connection, chemistry or history before engaging in the act. Call me old-fashioned, call me a prude even, all I'm saying is that I just think there are better ways to float that personal boat, if that's what you're looking for.
It certainly gives new meaning to the job title, service man.

American Movie Idol

Scott Eastwood

So I'm watching TV the other day and a trailer comes on for the new movie, "The Longest Ride". And I stop dead in my tracks for a second. All of a sudden I'm mesmerized by the male lead in this movie. Like I really had to stop and look at this guy. I thought, 'who is THAT?' because I couldn't believe how handsome this kid was. The movie, aimed at the younger than I generation, looks to be another hopeful contender to be the modern day "The Notebook", but my curiosity got the best of me. I Googled the movie and quickly found out that this handsome kid, whom I have never seen before in any tabloid or on TMZ.com, is none other than Scott Eastwood. Yes, that same Eastwood of the Clint Eastwood fame because he is his son.

I then text the authority on the subject, Frick, my daughter.

MOM: OK so Scott Eastwood "the longest ride"? Seriously? The dude is like Tom Brady handsome and I never thought anyone could ever come close

FRICK: HES SOOOOO HANDOME

FRICK: LIKE WOW

FRICK: LIKE HES SO BEAUTIFUL

MOM: Umm yaaa

MOM: WOW

MOM: It was a Zac Effron moment.

FRICK: I feel YA

FRICK: I feel the same way. Three of the most handsome men ever.

The Zac Effron thing is a reference to a time not so very long ago when Frick was a little girl watching "High School Musical" in her bedroom. I came in to her room to discuss something important with her and while I was speaking I glanced over at the TV and completely lost my train of thought. I went silent and I said, "Who is that? He's so handsome."

Silly me-I get distracted by beauty.

And a beauty he is. Just like his father, Clint Eastwood, who was at one time an American movie idol and  not just a two time Oscar winning director. In fact, back in the day Dirty Harry was positively swoon worthy and a major Hollywood sex symbol.

The legendary Clint Eastwood

Yes, good genes run in the family because it would seem that this kid has what it takes to take it to super movie idol status....and I'm an old lady and he stopped me mid blink.

The Best Penis Wins!

So my BFFITWWW (My BFF in the whole wide world) are texting one morning last month about how Josh Elliot was leaving GMA!!??

We were pissed.

The following conversation took place on Monday, March 31, 2014

MY BFFITWWW: "Our boyfriend Josh is leaving gma" "Going to nbc sports station or something"

CANDY: "I saw that this morning! I hate it when they shake up gma"

MY BFFITWWW: "I know I'm still not over loosing sam champion and now George is the only penis-they need to bring in another man to off set."

CANDY: "I AGREE (insert emojis here of smiley face laughing so hard it's crying)

Then-on Wed April 2, 2014:

CANDY: "(I sent a link to the news story that Michael Strahan was in talks to join GMA) Now that's a good penis!!"

MY BFFITWWW: "Ooooohhhhhh that is great news!!! I love him!"

CANDY: "Yup..he's sassy."

Today April 23rd, 2014 Mr. Michael Strahan debuted on GMA!!
The best penis won! I couldn't be happier because I'm a huge Michael Strahan fan. As you can see HERE.

Thanks GMA, we needed some fine testosterone to compliment George the straight man and we think you chose just the right one!

He's Bringing Sexy Back

So I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the Justin Timberlake/Jay-Z concert at Fenway park last night. It's Frick's birthday and we went with a couple of friend of hers and a couple of friends of mine. It was SPECTACULAR! I was very impressed with both artists and the music was great. 

While there I noticed a few things I thought interesting:

The crowd was eclectic! Lots of women and men in my age demo and lots of people in Frick's demo.

There were plenty of couples, which was interesting, to say the least. I would have thought it would have been more of a "chicks" thing, dripping with young women. Not the case at all.

Sexy was in the air. Beside the great show, we had an interesting show going on right in front of us. Three young, handsome guys and two girls in the row in front of us. You couldn't help but notice that they were feeling sexy. Very sexy. There was a lot of bumping and grinding going on and a lot of "tonsil hockey" and swapping of partners. So here we are trying to enjoy the concert, but the show in front of us was unavoidable. Being much older than the people in front of us, I tried to focus my attention on the stage but Frick and her friends were mesmerized by the side show. They were horrified and kept commenting on the logistics of what was taking place in the row before us. I guess I'm lucky I raised her right, and after the show the girls involved beat a hasty retreat. It was then that we asked the boys if they had decided which one of the two they would take home? "No matter," the boys replied. "We have a deal. Whoever scores tonight will no doubt share the wealth with all of us." What the hell? 

Ok and yes he really did say that. I'm just grateful it wasn't Frick and her friends in that row.

Justin and Jay-Z put on a killer show and Justin played at least three instruments during his sets.I had no idea that the former Boy Bander was so talented. While Justin danced and sang, Jay-Z came out and rapped during his set, but he seem tired. Kind of like I was tired at that point. Then we googled his age and I immediately knew why. Jay-Z is in my age demo. Hell yes he's tired! We're old...compared to the others. 

All in, it was a great night and something I truly enjoyed doing with my daughter. They superstars commented that this was the best crowd of the entire tour, which made the place erupt! 

But, I bet they say that in all the city's they travel to. 

Where Is Waldo?

So it took me a minute, but "Where is Waldo?" in these pics?

Especially since the Pap's usually splash pics of the women violators all over the press. Proof that wardrobe malfunctions are a unisex phenomenon. 

No wonder Don Draper is such a Mad Man...

This can't be good for the old sperm count.
 Last time I heard his fiance, Jennifer Aniston's clock was ticking.

This one of Becks is blatant....so sue me.

He's Bringing Sexy Back..2

So I'm watching Good Morning America this morning and I see this piece on Will 
and Jayden Smith and their multi-million blockbuster new movie that Will wrote, 
produced and stars in with his son, "After Earth".  The boys are charming and 
friendly and looking like they a having a great time! Who wouldn't when 
Hollywood is literally at your feet.  For the Smith family it would seem that 
life is good.

I then remember an article I read earlier that was highlighting the movie's 
"dismal" first weekend at the box office. The article revealed "After Earth" 
finishing a disappointing third at the box office garnering a mere $27 Million 
dollars. It seems fair enough to criticize the plot and the story line, even 
questioning the movie's motive as a vehicle for Scientology, Will's chosen 
spiritual path.  It seems fair that they panned the actors too. Will for his 
extreme ego and Jayden for his acting chops. After all, actors are open to 
criticism. Its part of the job. Among other things, the movie has been panned 
for "extreme nepotism" and likens it to buying your child "an expensive Ducati 
that he hasn't yet learned to ride".  I have not seen the movie, nor will I, 
unless it comes On Demand very soon and the reason is that Sci-Fi just isn't my 
favorite genre. So I will reserve judgement on the film.

I will say that what I see here is a dad and his son, getting to spend time 
together "working" under the best of  circumstances. Will and Jayden screened 
the film for some military families, posed for pictures, answered questions and 
made the film experience a bit more meaningful for these people and they were 
clearly enjoying every minute of it. (which I get isn't at all that hard)   
Jayden  was asked by an interviewer what it was like to be experiencing this all 
with his dad? Before he could answer, his dad  butted in with a somewhat tongue 
and cheek, "What's it like for you, a little guy, to be experiencing this with a 
big, strong presence like a huge Hollywood box office star?" The message to me 
here was loud and clear: Big Daddy just keeping his little boy in check.  

The idea of father and son, traveling the globe together, working, sharing and 
being together, no matter what they are doing, is a great example of the family 
bond and a great example to all of us of family unity. 

And if that ain't sexy, I don't know what is. 

Wiggle It, Just A Little Bit

And the winner is.......Miami's Fontaineblue Hotel and Happy Mommy! 

And it did not disappoint! We arrived Friday afternoon to pouring rain and lots of excitement. Of course a little rain never never held back this group, and we quickly had lunch, unpacked and went down to the lobby to explore our new surroundings. In hindsight, I should have realized that a lobby that has a huge bar, complete with a light up disco floor in the larger portion of the lobby was there for a distinct reason, but in my "just arrived" excitement I hardly noticed.We had a few drinks then went off to the first destination, Mr. Chow in the W Hotel. 

Is everything in Miami a "scene"? I'm not complaining, because I seemed right at home in the nightclub atmosphere of the Asian Fusion  famous chain restaurant. The food was outstanding, the wait staff amazing and the atmosphere was fun and young, but a bit loud for an intimate dinner if that's what you are looking for. But that's not what this group was looking for. This group was ready for a little party. I said little right? 

All of that was fine and well, but the real heartbeat of Miami and our trip was yet to come. We had no idea what we were about to encounter. Now, I had been to Miami before, but I brought the children last time and we enjoyed the famous South Beach in a different way. This time it was from an entirely new perspective. The Fontaineblue has a unique vibe and by unique I mean after dark it turns into something completely UNBELIEVABLE. (Heff and Bama, save your pennies, cuz this place is your kind of vacation!)

After Mr. Chow, we arrived at the front of the Fontaineblue among what looked like lots and lots of young people. Did I mention lots? and we sort of looked at each other like, "What's going on here?" 

WHAT WAS GOING ON? Hundreds, and I'm not kidding you when I say hundreds, of scantily clad young women and men had descended upon the lobby of our hotel. Scantily clad being the operative words here. One young lady was more "naked" than the next and it was then that we decided that this "show" was so much better than anything we would have paid admission for. 

For the next two to three hours, we sat at the lobby bar and had what was the best part of the trip: the people watch. The Fontaineblue has a famous four story night club called LIV and no we didn't go into it, but believe me when I tell you, we didn't need to. The line to get into LIV starts forming early in the evening and never stops. The club opens at 11:30 and closes at 5:30 am, but the real show is what takes place outside the club in the expansive lobby. 

Jiggle and wiggle were jiggling and wiggling all over the place and I'm sure jiggle did not know what wiggle was up to. Boobs, butt and legs were on display in every size, shape, color and creed and even the fat ones looked gorgeous. I swear. It was hilarious and us newbies did not know where to look next. The entertainment was endless. The best part were the dresses..or lack of and the high heels. Judging by the height of the high heels and the length of the dresses, (strategically just above the coochie area, was the average) you would have SWORE there was a stripper convention going on at that hotel, and not the medical convention that was taking place in another part of the hotel. 

That scene was only topped by the scene at the hotel pool the next day. Really, that scene was much better if  I ever believed that could happen. I never have seen more bikini's, boobs and big heels at a beach destination. Skin was a pre-requisite and if you weren't showing lots skin, you were the one who was looking uncomfortable. God bless them, they were out in full force at the pool too. What a scene. 

We saw much more on our ventures up to Ocean Drive. That's where the late great Gianni Versace was brutally murdered on his front steps in 1997. His palatial private residence is now a private club complete with a restaurant, but you can't walk by there without stopping to ponder the sad shame of his untimely murder.  On our trek further down we caught a full on Drag Queen show that was amazing! We didn't even need to go into the bar that was hosting it, this one was right on the street for all to enjoy! Some of the most beautiful transgendered men/women I ever had the pleasure of judging with my applause. It was at The Clevlander, a few crazy blocks down, that we saw first hand the art of naked body painting and pole dancing right on the street!!! In full on view of everyone. The point here is, if you can't beat em', join em', so we sat and had a few jovial cocktails and enjoyed yet another show. 

All in all, the endless skin show was a blast, and the trip a huge success, but the greatest thing of all was the great time spent with great friends. Like the name of the famous night club in the Fontainebleu, it makes you want to LIV your life to the fullest. Miami beach is one of those places that really enjoys life. 

And a life like that is certainly worth living every once in a while.

He's Bringing Sexy Back

I'm sorry but sexy is sexy is sexy is sexy.

So today I'm sayin' "Hey hey" to Michael Stray. That would be Michael Strahan, the retired NFL football star who is now Kelly Ripa's permanent co-host on the morning talk show"Live with Kelly and Michael".

I like Michael enough. He is extremely affable, articulate and as co host a great addition to morning TV. But here's the thing: I hardly ever watch that show. I just so happened to catch it the other day when the TV was left on and I saw the video above, live.

It stopped me dead in my tracks.
Dead sexy.

Sorry fellas, the dude got game and I'm a sucker for a big strong man. Mama likey, and I now see Mr. Strahan in a completely different light.

And he's looking good.

Now don't get me wrong, I won't be lusting after him cuz there's only one man that makes my heart go pitter patter for real (and his name is NOT Tommy). No thanks, I'm all set in the sexy man department. All I'm saying is sexy is sexy is sexy.

And Damn! if Michael Strahan ain't sexy.

If I Were A Porn Star...

I'd attend the Porn Golden Globes looking like THIS..... she looked flawless.

So, if I were a porn star my name would be??? Ever wonder what yours would be???? Cmon, you know you have...

I was out some friends and we played this game, and it was hilarious!

Ready?

Your porn name is comprised of:

• your middle name
• the name of the street you grew up on 

Mine? 

Ann Woodridge

Not very sexy. So if you choose to go with  just a single Porn name as a headliner instead, go to the spice cabinet and count the third spice in:

My spice name is AWESOME!

Cinnamon...

Hell yeah, spicy and  sexy! I'll take Cinnamon any day.

What is yours? 

I cant wait for this. It's gonna be good...