Funny Cup O' Joe

A blonde goes to her doctor and says that every time she drinks a coffee her eye hurts. 

The doctor prepared her a hot, fresh cup of coffee to see what really happens. She took a sip of the coffee and screamed, "Ouch, that hurts!" The doctor said, "I know your problem." 

The blonde asked, "Is it bad, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, you just need to take your spoon out of your cup before you drink your coffee."

Blondie P.I.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions: 

Officer: What's 2 + 2? 
Blonde: Ummm... 4! 
Officer: What's the square root of 100? 
Blonde: Ummm... 10! 
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? 
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno. 
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. 

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. 
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"



http://www.jokesoftheday.net/

Overheard at Fenway Paahk Last Night.....

Sorry for the f-bomb. 

Just Because It's Almost St Paddy's Day

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma' am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/jokes_moon.htm

Someone Needs A "Little" Anger Management?

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend" I know this "little person" with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over." 

The little person arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the little person replies. So the owner shows him one.

" Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?" So the owner picks up the little person and shows him the horses mouth.

" Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the little person and shows the eyes.

" Ok, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the little person one more time and shows the ears.

" OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat," said the little person. With that, the owner picked up the little person and shoved his head up the horse's twat, then pulled him out.Shaking his head, the little person says, 

"Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"




http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/16aw28/this_is_why_midgets_with_lisps_dont_buy_horses/

Divine Understanding

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I
wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

You Do The Math

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol.

The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16mph over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"

I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be any-where without teachers, I'd say zero."

He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."

http://unsourcedhumor.blogspot.com/2010/05/rushing-math-mistake.html

Got Commercial?

So I spent half of the morning searching for a STUPID commercial on YouTube that I saw about business that totally reminded me of myself. I wanted to share it with you today so that I could cheap out on a quick post and finish my year end stuff, inventory and taxes for 2012 and at least give a legit excuse for said cheap post.

Like I got nothing better to do??

Now, completely frustrated, this made me laugh so I'm posting it instead. AND I have no audio, so I have to post it then play it on my iPhone to get the audio.

And it probably wasn't worth it.

Dee-Leete

Anytime I see a "FW:..." in my inbox, I think the same thing; DELETE.
The other day I got this one and just as I was hitting the X, I caught what it said:

Perfect.

For My Dad, The Walking Man and Every Other Brave Soldier In The World

Happy Veterans Day!!

May your weekend be filled with the joy of freedom that our soldiers fight so valiantly to provide for us.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

TGIF

There aren't enough days in the weekend. ~Rod Schmidt


Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless. ~Bill Watterson


The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend. ~Chuck Palahniuk


Always strive to excel, but only on weekends. ~Richard Rorty


Of all the days that's in the week
I dearly love but one day
And that's the day that comes betwixt
A Saturday and Monday.
~Henry Carey


Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week. ~Joseph Addison


Always strive to excel, but only on weekends. ~Richard Rorty


http://www.quotegarden.com/weekends.html

A Curious Predicament

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Wordless Wednesday

Well, sort of....

The Farmer And The Blonde

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to change her hair so she would look like a brunette.

With her brown hair, one day she went for a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed,

"157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

joke provided by blonde-jokes.co.uk

Blogging On The Run

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Who's The Dumb Blonde Here?

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

You're Killing Me

So this is precisely why I am in love with Hollywood.

Leave it to them to give me a LOL moment in the middle of all this.

A Modern Fairy Tale

From the ba doom boom files:

• Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.



• My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...
  
  


• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
  



• The rest cheat in Europe.
  



• A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
  
  


• If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

• When I married MR. RIGHT, I didn't know his first name was ALWAYS!




Here's wishing the Royal couple the very best of luck!

How You Doin'?

Kid's Got Chutzpah!

So it's a slow blogging week, everybody laying off the keyboards and hitting up the dessert table, I think. I can't say that I blame them.

My brain is fried and I'm enjoying some time off too, so I dedcided to make you laugh today. I know you've all seen this at one time or another, so enjoy it again.

My favorite part is when she giggles at her mom giggling at her. I love her! I wouldn't mess with her...