The Tragedy and Comedy Of Last Night's American Idol

I don't usually do this, but today I'm pissed.

I usually leave the American Idol re-caps to the experts (BeckEye from The Pop Eye) and comment on my AI fandom on their sites, and let the experts do their shtick. But last night Beckeye scored some awesome tix to The Toxic Avenger musical (how was it?) and was unable to view the show. And because last night's result show was uncharacteristically MONUMENTAL when the viewer results were revealed, I need to air my ire in my own format today.

So Becks, here's hoping I make you proud.

First off, I want to say," WTF is wrong with you America??"

Last night's show opened to a video montage of the previous night's performances of the final five contestants a la dramatic music and snippets of their moment in the spotlight. In all fairness, on Tuesday night's show, all five contestants, "blew it out the box!" , as AI Judge Randy Jackson would say, leaving a viewer to ponder whether or not this thing is all wrapped up and in Adam Lambert's tight fitting jeans pocket, as we may have thought.

Ryan Seacrest came out, informing us that an "enormous amount of votes came in", over 47 million and introduced the final five for a LIVE (read not lip-synched) performance of the theme of the week, a Rat Pack inspired combination of "It Don't Mean a Thing" and "I've Got Rhythm".

Next, it was on to the results. Ryan brings all five to the center of the stage and one by one sends them to opposite sides of the stage. Allison and Danny on one side, Matt and Chris on the other, leaving Adam, lone man in the center. He then asks Adam to pick which group he thinks he belongs with. Adam, of course, plays the innocent and says, "I love everybody", but based on the previous night's performance he chooses the group with Allison and Danny. Ryan then announces the first shocker of the evening!!! Allison, Danny and Adam are NOT the bottom three-the bottom three are Matt, Chris and ADAM!!!

AHHHHH! At this point my heart started beating like crazyee and even Danny and Allison, and Kara's (awkward sexually suggestive moment with Kara and Randy) mouth dropped open in shock.

So, if I may interject a personal opinion here for a moment, ADAM?? In the bottom two?? Say it aint so. America, you got it all wrong and if you are a loyal AI viewer you know exactly what I'm talking about. I think that at this point, yes, they are all looking great, but Adam in the bottom three-NO way, NO how!

We are left to sit on this drama through a semi-painful Natalie Cole performance of "Something's Gotta Give", and by painful, I mean she STRUGGLED with it. Then, my boy, Taylor Hicks, Idol winner from Season 5, gave a kick-ass performance of "Seven Mile Breakdown" from his new album "The Distance". Let the public flogging begin now, because I LOVE this guy and I will be one of the four people who buy this album. He actually made me forget my anguish over Adam for three whole minutes.

Then it was on the the biggest shock of the evening, if I thought I couldn't stand any more, Ryan brings the bottom three out and "shocks the world" when he announces the next one safe is.......Chris.

AHHHHHHHHHH! Now I'm on my feet, hyperventilating and dying a slow death. I'm kidding, but oh. my. God. Cut it the F-out!

I hardly could sit through Jamie Foxx's #1 chart topping performance of "Blame It", because at this point, I'm thinking and knowing it's Matt that's going home, but really, Adam Lambert fans have never come this close to elimination before and we are not liking it at all.

Ryan puts us out of our misery by announcing that FINALLY Adam is safe and Matt gets sent home but at this point I'm exhausted and pissed off.

So I think you can guess what this means. This means that although Adam is clearly the best contestant to grace the Idol stage ever, and continuously performs to unbelievable and unattainable levels of greatness, a super star in his own right, he is not guaranteed a win. This means I have been reduced to indulging the 13 year-old inside of me, and I must now VOTE.

This is how it works and if I want to see Adam get all the crowning glory he deserves, VOTE FOR ADAM, I must.

If you feel the same way about Adam, then I urge you to VOTE FOR ADAM. Plain and simple.

Lucky for me I am an AT&T customer and I am only a mere text away. Or 12.

Just Doing My Civic Duty

*shhhh* *i'm whispering*

* 10 am. so i'm sitting in the jury pool room at one of the many district courthouses in my state, doing my civic duty. we just saw the judge, a woman, and she explained to us the many duties and things we must consider if we are called to serve on a trial.

then they played for us a video explaining all the things that could potentially happen if we are called to serve with some old sandra day o'connor looking bag, narrating. blah, blah, blah. i'm sitting in a room with 22 other people; my peers, I assume, and I am the only one with a laptop. huh? we had to leave all cell phones in our vehicles, for they are not even permitted in the building. I have already gone through x-ray security, been subject to a search, and now we have been instructed to stay in this tiny room and wait.

we will going up to the courtroom momentarily to sit through the jury selection process, so i've decided to make today's post like a twitter update and keep you randomly posted of the events throughout the day. who knows what will happen, but the feeling around here seems to be that they are taking this shit seriously. little do they know there is a dreaded blogger amongst the jury pool. hee hee.

i can tell you this, while i was waiting in line to go through the courthouse security, i heard this conversation taking place behind me.

"yo man, i just slapped the bitch," said defendant 1.
"no way dude, where?" said defendant 2.
"right out there in the parking lot, just now. the bitch ratted me out in court so i hauled off and slapped the bitch down," defendant 1 said.
"nice. that oughta look real good when we sit down for the trial today," defendant 2 said.
defendant 1 replied, laughing, "yeaaah. that bitch learned not to f**k with my ass, ever."

should be an interesting day. I'll keep you posted.

12:30-Sorry to disappoint you, but we have been DIS-MISSED! Can't say that I'm upset, because really the only thing I observed, besides the "bitch slap conversation", was the VERY pregnant and VERY beautiful Philippino girl who sat across from me in the jury room, for 2 straight hours, and did.... ab. so. lute. ly. NOTHING. She had not a thing to read, no cell phone, and made not a sound for two hours. Maybe she was a Zen Master and has perfected the art of meditation, because I was thouroughly impressed. And this coming form the only person making noise in the room (the clickety clack of my computer)!

I'm Doing Flips For My Flops

It's that wonderful time of year when the shivers of winter are but a mere memory and the warmth of the season casts it's alluring spell on us all. And from this day forward, rain or shine, I will be wearing my flip flops, exclusively. Flip flops make me happy and nothing is more freeing than the prospect of existing in a climate where flip flops are a pre-requisite. No summer footwear is more adored or coveted than the versatile flip flop but, as with any thing that is truly pleasurable, they come with a bit of controversy.

The nay sayers (experts) warn that wearing these innocent little rubber soles with a thong can be dangerous. They are said to offer "no support" and can put a significant strain on the lower back, the achilles tendon, and result in shin splints and/or twisted ankles. I have even heard horror stories about the perils of descending a flight of stairs while wearing flip flops. Experts warn that flip flops are best worn on sandy beaches and for short stints only.

I say, NO WAY! Let's look at the flip side of these flops. (see what I did there?)A one time personal trainer, Marcia Kilgore, designed a flip flop that is said to help women and men to tone and trim the legs just by wearing them while running every day errands. The result; The FitFlop. Medical research has proven that wearing FitFlops can actually eliminate the strain and stress on the lower back by realigning the force of the body while while walking and testimonials repeatedly show that FitFlop wearers have seen a reduction in foot and back pain, some by as much as 50 percent.

Sign me up! They retail, starting at $50-$60, and come in many styles and colors for both men and women. I will admit to seeing them on people whilst out and about and can report that FitFlop wearers are FitFlop lovers. Not the most fashion forward looking shoe, but it does have an athletic appeal and I'm thinking I will take the plunge into the world of floppy fitness!

For today, the temps will be nearing 90 degrees (what happened to Spring?) and rest assured, my feet will be well "flipped" out with the newest addition to my flip flop family.

Can you blame me? What's a little back pain between friends?

A Porch With Screens:My Personal Shangrila

I moved into my house almost eight years ago to the month. It was a 40 year old home, in complete disrepair. It took one full year to design on paper and another to build; a complete rehab, down to the studs and drywall. During those two years, I was attending graduate school full time and was the mother to a five and a six year-old, and I had one full-on anxiety attack to show for my efforts. It was, and still is a labor of love, but that's a story for another day. Today I want to tell you about my screened in porch.

The house already had a screened in porch off the back, complete with fake, green astro-turf, turned black and moldy. I remember the conversation with my architect vividly. He was explaining to me how the existing porch was to be elongated, from the addition and reconfiguration of that area of the house. The floor, walls and screens all to be replaced and a new, bigger and better screened in porch would be the result.

"I'll never use it," I said. "It will be a waste of time and resources."

"There's already an existing foundation there, so rather than waste time and resources digging that up, we will make it better and more functional, " he said. "You'll love it."

That was an understatement, for the unwanted step-child of a screened in porch, quickly became my favorite spot in my home. Having just returned from my vacation to beautiful 85 degree weather, my first order of business was to get my porch in perfect working order. As you can see from the photo above, I wasted no time "pimping out" my space. Every year it gets better and better. This year, I bought a new coffee table, seat cushions and my favorite element, multiple lanterns for the candlelit twilight hours. I sit here now, typing these words for you, overlooking my lush green landscape and listening to a symphony of birds, welcoming me to their daily concert. I shudder at the prospect of my blase, youthful inexperience somehow convincing my architect to nix the plans for the porch, for I relish the time spent here.

We eat dinners as a family here. We share cocktails and stories with friends and relatives into the wee hours of the night here. We sit and read magazines, novels, newspapers and blogs here, never needing to talk; the heat bugs and Mother Nature's soundtrack consistently provided in the background. We do have important, deep, sometimes silly and trusted conversations here, and we create lasting memories here.

I welcome the inspiration that may come from sitting on my porch, lap-top in tow, dogs at my feet, creating Dandy's daily and commenting on yours. I will utilize the time my porch and I have, for it is fast and fleeting. After all, I live in New England, but for now I am content to sit and type and enjoy.

And for today, all is right with the world.

FOR SKYLERS DAD

Before I get into today's post and dedication, I have a small order of business to tend to.
I'm leaving today for a little R&R in sunny Florida and will return to the bloggersphere next Monday, April 27th, so take care bloggers and have a great week!

Now on to the real business of the day. Today is a big day in Boston, as the 113th running of the Boston Marathon takes place right here in my fair city in a few hours. Besides the Kenyan domination of the marathon, no Boston Marathon would be complete without a story about a truly inspirational father and son team from Massachusetts who manage to steal our hearts at the finish line every year. Dick and Rick Hoyt or Team Hoyt, as they are known throughout the world. Their story is an unbelievable story of a father's love for his son, living life to the fullest and determination and I share this with you today and dedicate it to one of my most favorite and loyal bloggers, Skylers Dad.

The video below runs 10 minutes long, so will it take some time to view it, but as Skylers Dad sometimes reminds us, "you will be much richer for it".
Go team Hoyt!

And Skylers Dad?
In case you didn't already know it, I think you're a pretty special Iron Man too!

This one's for you!!!!

Channeling Eve Ensler

The Fidgeco. Pronounced; "fige-ee-ko"

That's the name my Grandma Driscoll, God rest her soul, used when she referred to the female genital area. The word still cracks me up. It's not the name we in the family used regularly, for it was Grandma Driscoll's name alone. "Shut that door! The draft is going come in and go right up my dress to my Fidgeco!," she used to say. We still laugh about it today.

In our house we used a somewhat Italian form of the name, which I'm sure got butchered somewhere in translation; Pishaliti. Prounounced; "pee-sha-lee-tee". Nonetheless, it was our special name for the vajay and we were never shy about using it.

"MOM, Chris is throwing rocks at me and trying to hit me in the Pishaliti!" or

"OW! Watch it jerk, that just hit me right in the Pishaliti!"

I'm sure everyone has their own version of a name for the all mighty vagina. Eve Ensler wrote an off-Brodway play called "The Vagina Monologues" where she celebrated the various names for the vajay, the theme throughout the piece,"is the vagina as a tool of female empowerment." I saw the show in Boston with Ensler as the monologist a few years ago, and was amazed, entertained and awed at the power of Monologues message. In 1998, Ensler formed V-Day, which has raised over $50 million to benefit women's anti violence groups from The Vagina Monologues.

I am embarassed to admit, although the show's powerful message was not lost on me, for the naughty little child that resides within me, the most entertaining and memorable came when she lists the many names for the vagina.

These are just a few.

Snatch
Panty Hampster
Twat
Muff
Gash
Slash
Poonani
Tuna Taco or Pink Taco
Fur Burger
Va-jay-jay
Bearded Clam
Beaver
Slit
Love Canal
Hooha
Harry Twatter
Hairy Potter
Hair Pie
Camel Toe
Box
Cootch
Who Who
Lady Garden
Hairy Mairy
The snack that smiles back
Sausage wallet
Vertical Smile
Notorious V. A. G.
Furry Goblet
Love Canal

So please, do share here your special vagina names, so that naughty little child in all of us can live, if just for a day.



For more names click here

It's All In A Name

See that cute little guy above? He has to go through life with a nasty name like Rat. Nothing cute about that. Lets just say he just got a bum rap in the name department, and deep inside there is a good and pure soul, just waiting to get out. It could be, because I can relate, dude. I spent some of my adolescence with that same name. Sort of.

I was over at The Gancer today, where blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater does his schtick and was inspired by his post about bullies to tell you my story. Check him out and tell him I sent you!

I was 13 and in the 7th grade. In my town, the Junior High (as we used to call it back in the "olden days", now it is commonly referred to as Middle School) brought the four elementary schools from different parts of town together. There were lots of new kids coming together and meeting for the first time. In my home room there was a group of boys I didn't know and they were heckling me and trying to get my attention. I can't remember exactly what I said back to them or what happened, but I do remember this one kid in particular ending the scene by calling me a "Pit Rat". I still *shudder* when I think of it, because some how that rotten kid managed to make sure that every boy in the Jr. High referred to me by that name.

It caught on so quickly that even kids I considered my friends began avoiding me like the plague and shouting out my new name in the cafeteria and in the bus line. The damage had been done and I was marked with the Scarlett Letter of names. Those formative years were HELL and I can remember even my own brother who was in High School, four years ahead of me, casually throwing the nasty name at me around the house. It was bad enough that at 13, I had braces and was going through an "awkward stage", but now I was a social pariah and my friends handled interaction with me wearing kid gloves.

I think the breaking point was when I was riding my bike home from a softball game one day and my neighbor's, these two, white trash, butt ugly, greasy twins, who had more than a few inbred, genetic defects like more than one row of teeth (I kid you not), shouted out as I rode by them, "Hey, it's the Pit Rat!" That was it for me. ROCK BOTTOM. I think I cried for a week after that.

But this story has a happy ending.

Like all good fairy tales, the braces came off and the ugly duckling soon became the Freshman Swan when entering High School, and the name was fast forgotten. The good news is that even though I went through HELL, I wouldn't change that experience for Tom Brady's hand in marriage. (and you know how much I love my Tommy). I truly believe it made me a stronger and better person. It made me look at my peers for who they were and not what they looked like or what they were wearing and certainly not for what gossip said about them. Because of this, I was able to befriend kids from all the different social groups, never forgetting a kindness shared with me when times were tough.

I remained with the "coolie" social group, even though they put me through hell, but my new status gave me power and a genuine compassion for others. I later found my social navigation, based on a solid foundation of real, with kids from every realm of the social strata, made me the target of envy from those same people who had name called. And what happened to that horrid kid that started it all? He spent his High School years drenched in his anger, cast out from everyone by his own choice.

I'm sure you're wondering, with my positive lesson learned and with my new status, did I forgive that kid? HELL NO! I never resorted to name calling, but believe me when I say he never DARED approach me or any party where I was in attendance. It was an unwritten rule with him and I. It was even evident when both he and I won the "Class Devil" superlative for the yearbook and he did not show up for the picture. He knew better and I had a big smile on my face for that shot, happy that this gander had cooked his own goose.

As I told Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, some years later at the High School reunion, he approached me and told me that the reason he gave me the name in the first place was because he liked me and I rebuffed him and embarrassed him in front of his friends. I listened to his story, because after all those years, he must have felt the need to atone. But like I said over at the Gancer, if justice is sweet and swift, today he is living in a trailer park with his 250 lb wife and his six, dirty scrappy little kids.