A Press Conference With Candy

Friday, January 23, 2015, 11:00AM EST

*With the hordes of media surrounding the bright pink podium at The Daily Dandy headquarters, Candy steps up to the podium clutching a sheet of paper. The sound of camera shutter clicks and reporters shuffling for a better view can be heard  throughout the room as Candy prepares herself to address the media.*

" I'd like to read a prepared statement addressing 'Deflategate' and then I will take questions from the assembled media."
"As a ride or die New England Patriots fan and an even bigger Tom Brady fan I feel the need to address the allegations against My Tommy and my home town team. I first need to state that my silence on this issue on Candy's Daily Dandy in the previous 5 days should in no way be construed as  "disappointment, anger or distress" by me, but simply a circumstantial issue. While I was in NYC moving my daughter into her new apartment over the past week, I had been paying close attention to the daily developments and the reports."

"What I do know is that the NFL's silence on this issue has not clarified any of the facts on 'Deflategate', so we are all left with the Herculean task of Monday morning quarterbacking this controversy. While ESPN has cited a 'report' that 11 of the 12 game balls for the New England Patriots in the AFC Championship game were found to be 2 psi's under what the rules state they should be inflated to-the NFL has yet to confirm this fact. We also now know that there is an NFL game official assigned to inspect and deem appropriate for play, those 12 balls."

"Media speculation has been such that there may have been some foul play in regards to Tommy's balls. Tommy's balls foul? I have to defer that answer to the professionals in charge of balls. It's the ball official that deemed Tommy's balls appropriate for play and therein lies the crux of the investigation. The question begs to be asked, were the balls presented to the official by The New England Patriots for play in the AFC Championship game on Sunday, January 18th, 2 hours before kickoff within legal league specifications? If the answer is yes, then the next question that needs to answered is what happened to Tommy's balls between then and the beginning of the third quarter."

"Conspiracy theories about what happened to the balls are abound and hard earned reputations are being called into question. Until I, like countless others, have all the facts and answers concerning the deflated balls, I am unable to decisively form any opinion regarding Tommy's balls or Deflategate. I will now take questions from the media."

Q:"Candy, will this controversy alter your personal opinion of 'Your Tommy' or his legacy in any way?"

"What I know about My Tommy is that he is a guy who works extra hard day in and day out to maintain his elite status as an NFL quarterback. His maniacal work ethic has been well documented and I think his exemplary record stands as testament to the kind of success he has had throughout his career. It's highly unlikely that I will abandon that position after this controversy has been resolved."

Q:"So are you saying that you don't think Tom Brady is a cheater?" 

"I don't think My Tommy cheated or has to cheat to be Tom Brady. I think people who excel at sports are always subject to naysayers or haters who love it when the mighty fall. It's part of his job as a professional athlete, but it's how people like Tom handle adversity that really sets them apart. Tom Brady didn't get to be Tom Brady by cheating. Tom Brady works hard and loves and respects this game."

Q:"If the NFL confirms that that this was cheating, what will you say then?"

"I hope that none of us ever have to address that issue. What I think we may have to address is the issue of what's commonplace in the NFL as far as the rules are regarded and what isn't. For example, if the national speed limit is 55 and your are caught driving 57, should you loose your license forever? Or should you be fined and given a ticket or even let go with a warning for a minor infraction? Rules of the road are rules of the road but what's an appropriate response for a breech? 

Q: "Do you think the Patriots are being unfairly targeted because of their history with scandal?"

"Yes, but I also think the rules are the rules and no one is above them."

"Thank you for coming today."