Bill Is No Friend Of Mine

Hey Bill? Can you do me a favor and go away? I don't like you very much.

You and your friends are always wreaking havoc around here and I want it to stop. Every time you arrive at my house I get a sick feeling in my stomach. And you always bring more than one friend with you to ruin my day. It's like you travel in a pack.

Do you enjoy bringing your special brand of misery to everyone, or is it just me? I can always count on you to show up too, just when I'm beginning to feel good about things. Then you show up and you leave me depleted, literally. You want the truth? The truth is you ruin everything. I want to be free of you forever, get it?

And you know what else? I'm so on to your games. I know about all your little tricks to lure me into your good graces. You think that just because you sometimes bring me expensive gifts, I will welcome you into my life with open arms. It's not going to work, Bill. Not with me. I didn't go to school to eat lunch, you know. I'm smarter than you think. I can't be bought with fancy dinners and fabulous jewelry. Not by you.

I spend so much of my energy trying to figure out what I can do about getting rid of you, that sometimes it makes me crazy. But you never seem to go away, do you? And you show up like clockwork, oblivious to the fact that you are not welcome here.

I should have known better than to let someone like you into my life in the first place. You teased me with your promises and pretended to be my best friend, shopping with me, taking me on trips and pledging your eternal love by letting me know you would always be there for me when I needed you. Then you go and call me out on our friendship. You are no friend of mine.

Let's just end this charade now. Peacefully and simply. I need to cut all ties with you so that you won't hurt me or the people I love any more. What's it going to take to get rid of you? I just may have to pay you off so that I never have to see you again. You'd like that, wouldn't you? That's the only kind of language you understand because money is your God. You are despicable, you know that?

Stop sending me little notes in the mail and tell your friends to back off too. We are through, you and me, Bill. I never want to see you again, comprende? Walk away dude. Just walk away, it's over.