The Tragedy and Comedy Of Last Night's American Idol

I don't usually do this, but today I'm pissed.

I usually leave the American Idol re-caps to the experts (BeckEye from The Pop Eye) and comment on my AI fandom on their sites, and let the experts do their shtick. But last night Beckeye scored some awesome tix to The Toxic Avenger musical (how was it?) and was unable to view the show. And because last night's result show was uncharacteristically MONUMENTAL when the viewer results were revealed, I need to air my ire in my own format today.

So Becks, here's hoping I make you proud.

First off, I want to say," WTF is wrong with you America??"

Last night's show opened to a video montage of the previous night's performances of the final five contestants a la dramatic music and snippets of their moment in the spotlight. In all fairness, on Tuesday night's show, all five contestants, "blew it out the box!" , as AI Judge Randy Jackson would say, leaving a viewer to ponder whether or not this thing is all wrapped up and in Adam Lambert's tight fitting jeans pocket, as we may have thought.

Ryan Seacrest came out, informing us that an "enormous amount of votes came in", over 47 million and introduced the final five for a LIVE (read not lip-synched) performance of the theme of the week, a Rat Pack inspired combination of "It Don't Mean a Thing" and "I've Got Rhythm".

Next, it was on to the results. Ryan brings all five to the center of the stage and one by one sends them to opposite sides of the stage. Allison and Danny on one side, Matt and Chris on the other, leaving Adam, lone man in the center. He then asks Adam to pick which group he thinks he belongs with. Adam, of course, plays the innocent and says, "I love everybody", but based on the previous night's performance he chooses the group with Allison and Danny. Ryan then announces the first shocker of the evening!!! Allison, Danny and Adam are NOT the bottom three-the bottom three are Matt, Chris and ADAM!!!

AHHHHH! At this point my heart started beating like crazyee and even Danny and Allison, and Kara's (awkward sexually suggestive moment with Kara and Randy) mouth dropped open in shock.

So, if I may interject a personal opinion here for a moment, ADAM?? In the bottom two?? Say it aint so. America, you got it all wrong and if you are a loyal AI viewer you know exactly what I'm talking about. I think that at this point, yes, they are all looking great, but Adam in the bottom three-NO way, NO how!

We are left to sit on this drama through a semi-painful Natalie Cole performance of "Something's Gotta Give", and by painful, I mean she STRUGGLED with it. Then, my boy, Taylor Hicks, Idol winner from Season 5, gave a kick-ass performance of "Seven Mile Breakdown" from his new album "The Distance". Let the public flogging begin now, because I LOVE this guy and I will be one of the four people who buy this album. He actually made me forget my anguish over Adam for three whole minutes.

Then it was on the the biggest shock of the evening, if I thought I couldn't stand any more, Ryan brings the bottom three out and "shocks the world" when he announces the next one safe is.......Chris.

AHHHHHHHHHH! Now I'm on my feet, hyperventilating and dying a slow death. I'm kidding, but oh. my. God. Cut it the F-out!

I hardly could sit through Jamie Foxx's #1 chart topping performance of "Blame It", because at this point, I'm thinking and knowing it's Matt that's going home, but really, Adam Lambert fans have never come this close to elimination before and we are not liking it at all.

Ryan puts us out of our misery by announcing that FINALLY Adam is safe and Matt gets sent home but at this point I'm exhausted and pissed off.

So I think you can guess what this means. This means that although Adam is clearly the best contestant to grace the Idol stage ever, and continuously performs to unbelievable and unattainable levels of greatness, a super star in his own right, he is not guaranteed a win. This means I have been reduced to indulging the 13 year-old inside of me, and I must now VOTE.

This is how it works and if I want to see Adam get all the crowning glory he deserves, VOTE FOR ADAM, I must.

If you feel the same way about Adam, then I urge you to VOTE FOR ADAM. Plain and simple.

Lucky for me I am an AT&T customer and I am only a mere text away. Or 12.

Just Doing My Civic Duty

*shhhh* *i'm whispering*

* 10 am. so i'm sitting in the jury pool room at one of the many district courthouses in my state, doing my civic duty. we just saw the judge, a woman, and she explained to us the many duties and things we must consider if we are called to serve on a trial.

then they played for us a video explaining all the things that could potentially happen if we are called to serve with some old sandra day o'connor looking bag, narrating. blah, blah, blah. i'm sitting in a room with 22 other people; my peers, I assume, and I am the only one with a laptop. huh? we had to leave all cell phones in our vehicles, for they are not even permitted in the building. I have already gone through x-ray security, been subject to a search, and now we have been instructed to stay in this tiny room and wait.

we will going up to the courtroom momentarily to sit through the jury selection process, so i've decided to make today's post like a twitter update and keep you randomly posted of the events throughout the day. who knows what will happen, but the feeling around here seems to be that they are taking this shit seriously. little do they know there is a dreaded blogger amongst the jury pool. hee hee.

i can tell you this, while i was waiting in line to go through the courthouse security, i heard this conversation taking place behind me.

"yo man, i just slapped the bitch," said defendant 1.
"no way dude, where?" said defendant 2.
"right out there in the parking lot, just now. the bitch ratted me out in court so i hauled off and slapped the bitch down," defendant 1 said.
"nice. that oughta look real good when we sit down for the trial today," defendant 2 said.
defendant 1 replied, laughing, "yeaaah. that bitch learned not to f**k with my ass, ever."

should be an interesting day. I'll keep you posted.

12:30-Sorry to disappoint you, but we have been DIS-MISSED! Can't say that I'm upset, because really the only thing I observed, besides the "bitch slap conversation", was the VERY pregnant and VERY beautiful Philippino girl who sat across from me in the jury room, for 2 straight hours, and did.... ab. so. lute. ly. NOTHING. She had not a thing to read, no cell phone, and made not a sound for two hours. Maybe she was a Zen Master and has perfected the art of meditation, because I was thouroughly impressed. And this coming form the only person making noise in the room (the clickety clack of my computer)!

I'm Doing Flips For My Flops

It's that wonderful time of year when the shivers of winter are but a mere memory and the warmth of the season casts it's alluring spell on us all. And from this day forward, rain or shine, I will be wearing my flip flops, exclusively. Flip flops make me happy and nothing is more freeing than the prospect of existing in a climate where flip flops are a pre-requisite. No summer footwear is more adored or coveted than the versatile flip flop but, as with any thing that is truly pleasurable, they come with a bit of controversy.

The nay sayers (experts) warn that wearing these innocent little rubber soles with a thong can be dangerous. They are said to offer "no support" and can put a significant strain on the lower back, the achilles tendon, and result in shin splints and/or twisted ankles. I have even heard horror stories about the perils of descending a flight of stairs while wearing flip flops. Experts warn that flip flops are best worn on sandy beaches and for short stints only.

I say, NO WAY! Let's look at the flip side of these flops. (see what I did there?)A one time personal trainer, Marcia Kilgore, designed a flip flop that is said to help women and men to tone and trim the legs just by wearing them while running every day errands. The result; The FitFlop. Medical research has proven that wearing FitFlops can actually eliminate the strain and stress on the lower back by realigning the force of the body while while walking and testimonials repeatedly show that FitFlop wearers have seen a reduction in foot and back pain, some by as much as 50 percent.

Sign me up! They retail, starting at $50-$60, and come in many styles and colors for both men and women. I will admit to seeing them on people whilst out and about and can report that FitFlop wearers are FitFlop lovers. Not the most fashion forward looking shoe, but it does have an athletic appeal and I'm thinking I will take the plunge into the world of floppy fitness!

For today, the temps will be nearing 90 degrees (what happened to Spring?) and rest assured, my feet will be well "flipped" out with the newest addition to my flip flop family.

Can you blame me? What's a little back pain between friends?

A Porch With Screens:My Personal Shangrila

I moved into my house almost eight years ago to the month. It was a 40 year old home, in complete disrepair. It took one full year to design on paper and another to build; a complete rehab, down to the studs and drywall. During those two years, I was attending graduate school full time and was the mother to a five and a six year-old, and I had one full-on anxiety attack to show for my efforts. It was, and still is a labor of love, but that's a story for another day. Today I want to tell you about my screened in porch.

The house already had a screened in porch off the back, complete with fake, green astro-turf, turned black and moldy. I remember the conversation with my architect vividly. He was explaining to me how the existing porch was to be elongated, from the addition and reconfiguration of that area of the house. The floor, walls and screens all to be replaced and a new, bigger and better screened in porch would be the result.

"I'll never use it," I said. "It will be a waste of time and resources."

"There's already an existing foundation there, so rather than waste time and resources digging that up, we will make it better and more functional, " he said. "You'll love it."

That was an understatement, for the unwanted step-child of a screened in porch, quickly became my favorite spot in my home. Having just returned from my vacation to beautiful 85 degree weather, my first order of business was to get my porch in perfect working order. As you can see from the photo above, I wasted no time "pimping out" my space. Every year it gets better and better. This year, I bought a new coffee table, seat cushions and my favorite element, multiple lanterns for the candlelit twilight hours. I sit here now, typing these words for you, overlooking my lush green landscape and listening to a symphony of birds, welcoming me to their daily concert. I shudder at the prospect of my blase, youthful inexperience somehow convincing my architect to nix the plans for the porch, for I relish the time spent here.

We eat dinners as a family here. We share cocktails and stories with friends and relatives into the wee hours of the night here. We sit and read magazines, novels, newspapers and blogs here, never needing to talk; the heat bugs and Mother Nature's soundtrack consistently provided in the background. We do have important, deep, sometimes silly and trusted conversations here, and we create lasting memories here.

I welcome the inspiration that may come from sitting on my porch, lap-top in tow, dogs at my feet, creating Dandy's daily and commenting on yours. I will utilize the time my porch and I have, for it is fast and fleeting. After all, I live in New England, but for now I am content to sit and type and enjoy.

And for today, all is right with the world.

FOR SKYLERS DAD

Before I get into today's post and dedication, I have a small order of business to tend to.
I'm leaving today for a little R&R in sunny Florida and will return to the bloggersphere next Monday, April 27th, so take care bloggers and have a great week!

Now on to the real business of the day. Today is a big day in Boston, as the 113th running of the Boston Marathon takes place right here in my fair city in a few hours. Besides the Kenyan domination of the marathon, no Boston Marathon would be complete without a story about a truly inspirational father and son team from Massachusetts who manage to steal our hearts at the finish line every year. Dick and Rick Hoyt or Team Hoyt, as they are known throughout the world. Their story is an unbelievable story of a father's love for his son, living life to the fullest and determination and I share this with you today and dedicate it to one of my most favorite and loyal bloggers, Skylers Dad.

The video below runs 10 minutes long, so will it take some time to view it, but as Skylers Dad sometimes reminds us, "you will be much richer for it".
Go team Hoyt!

And Skylers Dad?
In case you didn't already know it, I think you're a pretty special Iron Man too!

This one's for you!!!!

Channeling Eve Ensler

The Fidgeco. Pronounced; "fige-ee-ko"

That's the name my Grandma Driscoll, God rest her soul, used when she referred to the female genital area. The word still cracks me up. It's not the name we in the family used regularly, for it was Grandma Driscoll's name alone. "Shut that door! The draft is going come in and go right up my dress to my Fidgeco!," she used to say. We still laugh about it today.

In our house we used a somewhat Italian form of the name, which I'm sure got butchered somewhere in translation; Pishaliti. Prounounced; "pee-sha-lee-tee". Nonetheless, it was our special name for the vajay and we were never shy about using it.

"MOM, Chris is throwing rocks at me and trying to hit me in the Pishaliti!" or

"OW! Watch it jerk, that just hit me right in the Pishaliti!"

I'm sure everyone has their own version of a name for the all mighty vagina. Eve Ensler wrote an off-Brodway play called "The Vagina Monologues" where she celebrated the various names for the vajay, the theme throughout the piece,"is the vagina as a tool of female empowerment." I saw the show in Boston with Ensler as the monologist a few years ago, and was amazed, entertained and awed at the power of Monologues message. In 1998, Ensler formed V-Day, which has raised over $50 million to benefit women's anti violence groups from The Vagina Monologues.

I am embarassed to admit, although the show's powerful message was not lost on me, for the naughty little child that resides within me, the most entertaining and memorable came when she lists the many names for the vagina.

These are just a few.

Snatch
Panty Hampster
Twat
Muff
Gash
Slash
Poonani
Tuna Taco or Pink Taco
Fur Burger
Va-jay-jay
Bearded Clam
Beaver
Slit
Love Canal
Hooha
Harry Twatter
Hairy Potter
Hair Pie
Camel Toe
Box
Cootch
Who Who
Lady Garden
Hairy Mairy
The snack that smiles back
Sausage wallet
Vertical Smile
Notorious V. A. G.
Furry Goblet
Love Canal

So please, do share here your special vagina names, so that naughty little child in all of us can live, if just for a day.



For more names click here

It's All In A Name

See that cute little guy above? He has to go through life with a nasty name like Rat. Nothing cute about that. Lets just say he just got a bum rap in the name department, and deep inside there is a good and pure soul, just waiting to get out. It could be, because I can relate, dude. I spent some of my adolescence with that same name. Sort of.

I was over at The Gancer today, where blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater does his schtick and was inspired by his post about bullies to tell you my story. Check him out and tell him I sent you!

I was 13 and in the 7th grade. In my town, the Junior High (as we used to call it back in the "olden days", now it is commonly referred to as Middle School) brought the four elementary schools from different parts of town together. There were lots of new kids coming together and meeting for the first time. In my home room there was a group of boys I didn't know and they were heckling me and trying to get my attention. I can't remember exactly what I said back to them or what happened, but I do remember this one kid in particular ending the scene by calling me a "Pit Rat". I still *shudder* when I think of it, because some how that rotten kid managed to make sure that every boy in the Jr. High referred to me by that name.

It caught on so quickly that even kids I considered my friends began avoiding me like the plague and shouting out my new name in the cafeteria and in the bus line. The damage had been done and I was marked with the Scarlett Letter of names. Those formative years were HELL and I can remember even my own brother who was in High School, four years ahead of me, casually throwing the nasty name at me around the house. It was bad enough that at 13, I had braces and was going through an "awkward stage", but now I was a social pariah and my friends handled interaction with me wearing kid gloves.

I think the breaking point was when I was riding my bike home from a softball game one day and my neighbor's, these two, white trash, butt ugly, greasy twins, who had more than a few inbred, genetic defects like more than one row of teeth (I kid you not), shouted out as I rode by them, "Hey, it's the Pit Rat!" That was it for me. ROCK BOTTOM. I think I cried for a week after that.

But this story has a happy ending.

Like all good fairy tales, the braces came off and the ugly duckling soon became the Freshman Swan when entering High School, and the name was fast forgotten. The good news is that even though I went through HELL, I wouldn't change that experience for Tom Brady's hand in marriage. (and you know how much I love my Tommy). I truly believe it made me a stronger and better person. It made me look at my peers for who they were and not what they looked like or what they were wearing and certainly not for what gossip said about them. Because of this, I was able to befriend kids from all the different social groups, never forgetting a kindness shared with me when times were tough.

I remained with the "coolie" social group, even though they put me through hell, but my new status gave me power and a genuine compassion for others. I later found my social navigation, based on a solid foundation of real, with kids from every realm of the social strata, made me the target of envy from those same people who had name called. And what happened to that horrid kid that started it all? He spent his High School years drenched in his anger, cast out from everyone by his own choice.

I'm sure you're wondering, with my positive lesson learned and with my new status, did I forgive that kid? HELL NO! I never resorted to name calling, but believe me when I say he never DARED approach me or any party where I was in attendance. It was an unwritten rule with him and I. It was even evident when both he and I won the "Class Devil" superlative for the yearbook and he did not show up for the picture. He knew better and I had a big smile on my face for that shot, happy that this gander had cooked his own goose.

As I told Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, some years later at the High School reunion, he approached me and told me that the reason he gave me the name in the first place was because he liked me and I rebuffed him and embarrassed him in front of his friends. I listened to his story, because after all those years, he must have felt the need to atone. But like I said over at the Gancer, if justice is sweet and swift, today he is living in a trailer park with his 250 lb wife and his six, dirty scrappy little kids.

For The Stripper In All Of Us

Cmon girls,admit it. I know there's a part of you that likes it a little on the trashy side. And guys, do I really need to point out the obvious? You know you like you some dirty girl; some of the time.

Well I'm here to tell you that I have found the perfect product to bring out that hidden stripper in all of us girls. Guys, tell your women folk, and ladies, I kid you not-RUN, don't walk to the nearest CVS or Walgreens and pick up my newest dirty little secret.

Maybelline Lash Stiletto Mascara. I cannot say enough about this, $6.99 worth of magic in a tube. If you are anything like me, I am always on the hunt for the perfect mascara. I have worked with and tried them all.Cheap, expensive and ridiculously expensive. My favorites are always the same and in order; Trish McEvoy, High Volume Mascara, Lancome Definicils Mascara and Benefit Bad Gal Mascara.



Generally there are two types of mascara. I prefer a lengthening mascara over a thickening mascara. One lengthens your lashes, one thickens your lashes.




FORGET EVERYTHING I JUST SAID...because this little white trashy number does it all in it's sexy little tube. It works much like the aforementioned Definicils mascara, if it were pumped up on Viagra!! It is true sex on a stick. It lengthens, defines and separates the lashes like nothing I have ever tried, leaving you with embarrassingly sexy, stripper ready lashes to bat at your own free will. If, after you have applied it, you need more volume to go with the out-of control length, let it dry and layer a bit more at the root of the eyelash and voila! you have both length and volume.

At this price, you can buy it in bulk so you are never left out of the party with wimpy, demure looking lashes. For years Stiletto's red-headed, inbred cousin, Maybelline Great Lash (the pink and the green) has been getting all the good press. Hailed as the world's #1 mascara, it can now take it's seat at the back of the bus because Lash Stiletto just smacked it back into submission with it's dominatrix lush lengths.



Why should the strippers have all the naughty fun? I'm telling you, pick some of this up today. I guarentee it will be a better and a less expensive investment than say a good porno and a dose of Viagra!

Unleash or UNLASH the stripper inside you!

A Bit Of Dandy Celebrity Bashing

Let's try something a little different today. You know how most of the celeb rags have the sections with actual quotes from various celebrities like, "They Said What?"or "Scene and Heard"? Some of the quotes are funny and some just leave you scratching your head and let's face it, I'm not entirely sure they don't make that stuff up to sell magazines. When I read crap like that I always have my own commentary running through my head responding to what they have to say.

So, let's celebrity bash and spice up the quotes with some blogger magic. These are actual celebrity quotes from gossip rags. I'll go first and them you can respond in the comments with your comments on any quote that strikes you. Because after all, celebrities are people too.

"I work too hard to do Dancing With The Stars. I couldn't make it. I'd sing on it for other people to dance to." Liza Minnelli in OK Magazine.

Oh thank you Liza. That's a visual I'm not quite ready for. I can't help but wonder, you work too hard doing what??? I know, taking prescription drugs and falling down drunk must take up the bulk of your day anyway.

"My hidden talent? I don't keep any of my talent's hidden! With me it's more like, Hey look what I can do!" Scarlett Johansson in US Weekly.

And that would be exactly what???? Yeah, I can see your talents are fighting a battle to stay hidden in that dress.

"He goes,'Charlize, this is going to be different for you...people are going to see this movie'...Then I'm like ....'You know what? I have a statue at home called an Academy Award.'" Charlize Theron in US Weekly on joking with Hancock costar Will Smith.

Oh snap! Step off Fresh Prince!! Joking my ass. Love her! Huge girl,crush on the smokin hot Charlize.

"I recently had a Red Bull problem. I found myself maniacally drinking it. I was up to seven a day. ...Then Red Bull contacted me and was like,'We want to send you a minifridge.' I was like,'No please! I love you but I can't' It's like giving a crack addict free crack." Eva Mendes in Us Weekly.

I think there are a few councilors at Cirque Lodge in Utah that would testify in court that it wasn't Red Bull that's the problem....

"If the girl wants the wedding, you gotta do the wedding...She'll remember it forever. Spencer, dude, you'll realize this later." Tom Cruise giving Spencer Pratt marriage advice in OK Magazine.

Thanks Tom, just what the world needed., more rediculous photo's of "Spedi". Why couldn't you just opt to be glib about it?

"My trainer just shakes her head and says,'This is a disaster.'" Jennifer Garner on not loosing all of her baby weight in Star Magazine.

Oldest trick in the book. This is the part where we all supposed to go,"Oh no Jennifer, you're not fat...." Boo-fricken-hoo.

"There are times, trust me, when I watch it back and I just think, God, I wish I hadn't said that." Simon Cowell on being mean to American Idol contestants in Us Weekly.

To be perfectly honest I thought that quote was indulgent rubbish, Simon. You haven't got a chance in hell because quite frankly, it was utterly forgettable.

That was sort of fun. Now it's your turn.

Please feel free to bash hard and often.

Good Thing There's Lots Of Chocolate Around

I am good and SCREWED!!!! Of course I waited until THE VERY LAST MINUTE to do my taxes so I will spend the eternity of today in TAX HELL!! Yipee! At least I will have Mr. Hershey to lovingly help me through the entire process.

So I will leave you with these photos, taken at precisely the wrong time, as a Mute Monday of the screwed sorts, because misery loves company and these people look like they are in no better shape than I am!

I guess it's not that bad after all!

R. I. P. Home Voicemail

VOICEMAIL, HOME of the Daily Dandy Headquarters, after a long period of non-service on April 8, 2009. Home Voicemail was credited with keeping the Daily Dandy family informed of important messages for years, and only recently became stricken with it's long battle with redundancy and newer technology.

Born in the spring of 2001, Mr. Home Voicemail was a vital part of the everyday life of his family with family members rushing home to check in with him daily. Home Voicemail also possessed modern features that allowed his family to check in from outside the home with easy access codes and at one time boasted the best messaging service of it's kind.

Mr. Home Voicemail became stricken with inactivity over the last few years as personal cell phones, equipped with voicemail service, became more and more prevalent in society.

"It got to the point that I kept forgetting to check my home voicemail because I had my cell phone at all times," a family member said. "My home voicemail mail box would become full and it became easier NOT to delete the messages. If someone wanted me, they could get me on my cell."

A victim of a vital strain of newer technology, Mr. Home Voicemail put up a valiant fight right to the end. "I began putting my cell number on important documents like the school and the doctor's office as my contact number, " another family member remembered. "But every once in a while, I would catch something important that Home Voicemail would pick up."

Mr. Home Voicemail leaves his family of four with a substantial savings on their home phone bill, and private services will be held at the home for immediate family only. Donations can be made to AT & T Wireless: account number 463512.

Todays Special: Pure and Simple

"Trusted for Years" is the ad slogan most remember when they think of Johnson's baby products. So logic says if you've trusted them for years enough to use their products on your baby, why not trust them enough to use their products on yourself? What you may find is a wonderful, inexpensive solution to your daily grooming routines that's not just child's play.


Johnson's Baby Shampoo- This gentle shampoo contains no soap or alcohol and is known for it's "no more tears" formula, which won't irritate a baby's eyes if it gets into them. It does, however, contain chemicals that will clean the hair and scalp effectively without stripping either. I have read reviews on this products for adults that say although it's surfactants will help to remove grease and cleanse the hair, the surfactants (wetting agents) in Johnson's baby shampoo formula are milder than ones you would find in drug store shampoos. Great for sensitive scalps; not great for oily hair. This product is gentle enough to be used every day, but best used daily by adults with short hair. This is a product designed for babies who don't have a lot of hair and users report it does not foam up enough to sufficiently cleanse longer hair. This shampoo leaves hair smooth, shiny and soft with a wholesome, clean and fresh smell.


It is also effective, when diluted with water, as a gentle make-up remover and a great make-up brush cleanser. Guys: Try this as a shaving cream for sensitive skins.



Johnson's Baby Lotion- This product is a staple in my beauty routine. A daily user of body moisturizers, I love the smell, texture and rich, effective ingredients in this moisturizer. It's fast-absorbing emollients leave skin with a soft and smooth, non-greasy feel. It's hypo-allergenic and allergy tested, and protects both babies and adults skin from nagging dryness with ease.

Can we talk about the scent? There is no product more pure and clean smelling than Johnson's baby lotion. Although it's nice to use other, higher priced fragrance body lotions, for every day moisturizing this rich formula gives the other alternatives a run for the money. At $ 3.50 for a 15 oz bottle, your minimal investment in a bottle should last you 2-3 months with every day use.

Great for stubborn dry hands and feet. Apply Johnson's Baby lotion liberally on hands and feet. Before rubbing lotion into skin completely, put on socks and or gloves. Remove socks and gloves after 15-20 minutes and you have just given yourself an inexpensive, at-home, "beauty wrap" that will be sure to improve the appearance of hands and feet.

Johnson's Baby Oil- This multi-use baby oil is a product I use much more for myself than I did with my own children. Besides millions of teens using it in the 70's as a sun-tan oil (oh, the horror!) adult women all over the world have been using this product for decades to combat stubborn dry patches. The pure mineral oil forms a soft, protective barrier on the skin which locks in moisture and protects against excessive moisture loss. Dermatologist and allergy tested, this versatile formula can be used in many ways.

As a gentle eye make-up remover, apply Johnson's Baby Oil to a cotton ball and gently rub eye area to remove make-up. It even works on water-proof mascaras, just make sure you cleanse the skin thoroughly after using, to remove the excess oil from the delicate area around the eye.

The best way to use Johnson's Baby Oil? Leave a bottle in your shower. Just as you are finished and about to get out of the shower, DONT! While the water is still running, apply baby oil all over your body, (much like you would a moisturizer), rinse off lightly, and step out of the shower and towel off. The baby oil will soak into the skin immediately and leave a silky protective moisture barrier for the rest of the day. You skin will be absolutely GLOWING!!

Pure and simple and inexpensive luxuries are the best way to describe this trifecta of beauty classics.

Go ahead and baby yourself for a change.

A Daily Dandy Public Service Announcement

You know we've all had "one of those days" when everything goes from bad to worse. Yesterday was a prime example of one of those days. While I was driving my daughter to and from and all over God's creation, trying to get the kids to their closely scheduled activities on time, I uncharacteristically began complaining about how much my life sucked. Fear not, my little cherub seemed to say, for she had just the answer for her over-stressed mom.

"You need to go to F My Life.com," she said.

"What did you just say?" I responded, in no mood for sass or games.

"It means F-my life. It's a website where people share their stories about how 'f-ed' up their lives are. Some of them are hilarious and really make you feel so much better about your own life," she explained.

I paused for a moment to ponder the reality of my 14 yr old recommending to me, quite matter-of-factly, a website with one of The Seven Dirty Words represented by it's letter in the title. Of course the blogger in me saw this as a great research opportunity and I listened intently as she extolled the virtues of the airing personal rants with the world. I weighed my options; mother teaching opportunity vs. blog fodder. Guess which won?

Then I visited the site www.fmylife.com.

It's not like I don't waste enough time on the internets and this site was no different.

Some examples I encountered that cracked me up while there included:

Today, I was volunteering at a school. There's this really bratty boy there and he was being rude, so I joked, "How are you ever gonna get a girlfriend when you're so mean?" He responds, "I think the better question is how are you ever gonna get a boyfriend when you're so ugly." He's 7. FML
#858893 (26) - 04/07/2009 at 7:34pm by ugly

Today, my girlfriend and I were outside tanning in the sun. I asked her if she could put some sunscreen on my back. Thinking it would be funny, she used the lotion to write "I Love Little Boys". I work as a children's swimming instructor. FML
#864226 (25) - 04/08/2009 at 12:03am by Anonymous

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML
#503348 (302) - 03/21/2009 at 12:46am by Anonymous -

Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. TWICE. FML
#859604 (81) - 04/07/2009 at 8:11pm by Anonymous

Needless to say you need to check this out for yourself and if you are a regular user of FML, let me know if it succeeds in bringing you the satisfaction of laughing at yourself when it's just about all that's left to do. I have to admit to spending more time on the site than I expected, as I could completely relate to having more than a few," f my life moments" myself.

Looking At The World Through Google-ly Eyes

What would we do without Google? I cringe when I think of the possibilities.

Last night my son came home with some basic English grammar homework and figured he'd ask me for help. Considering the fact that I am a "writer" who has a Masters Degree in Journalism and someone who writes just about every day, he figured this assignment would be a cake walk for me. I would have thought so too.

The assignment was straightforward. The sections on the front and back worksheet were clearly outlined with directions; read the paragraphs and underline the parts of speech. Nouns, pronouns, conjunctions, similes, adverbs, etc. My son then looked to his mother for quick definitions of these every day parts of speech. It was almost as if a loud creaking of the opening of the squeaky door in my brain which houses such information could be heard throughout the house; the cobwebs and the moths nearly visible right there at the kitchen table. I scrambled.

"Uh, conjunctions...," I said.

The School House Rock "Conjunction Junction" anthem began playing quietly in my head. I seemed to remember, through the song, something about hooking up phrases and clauses and cargo trains.

"Conjunctions are words that connect words to other words in the sentence, " I replied.
"Huh?" he said.

His answer, far more decipherable than mine. My brain went into overdrive. I decided to start with the easy ones. Nouns and pronouns. We got through that in about three minutes. Adverbs were next. School House Rock, again, came to my rescue; mostly words ending in LY. After that I was revealed for the fraud that I am. I had no more School House anthems.

So I did what any red-blooded American writer/mother would do. I went to Google. Trusty old Google had all of the definitions we needed just a simple click away. He went right to work, armed with his new and improved conjunction definition, and all the others I was not able to define from memory. He even went back and checked his work, a sure sign he understood the assignment. I thought about how I use these same words every day while composing this blog, yet I never attribute them to their specific parts of speech. Thank God for Google, as I was able to save face in front of my son.

This was not the first time I have gone to Google for homework help, nor will it be the last. I am the first to admit that math is not my strong suit, for I have no degree in computation. Both children have surpassed my basic math skills in school and I am at a self-proclaimed disadvantage when it comes to their math assignments. Google has come to my rescue more than once. Through Google, I have even gone through brief math tutorials which have triggered rusty math skills enough so that I could help my children complete their assignments correctly. I might have even felt a satisfying sense of accomplishment for doing so. Trusty old Google.

What would I do without you?

After we completed my son's English assignment, my son said, "Thanks mom."
To which I replied, "Thank Google."

Yes We Can!

I've teamed up with my blogger friend Gwen over at Everything I Like Causes Cancer, to support her in her latest passionate project; Mr. Tennessee, Herb Odum.

Mr. Odum or Herbie, as he is known by those in his inner circle, needs your vote in the "Over 55 Mr. Bible Belt Beauty Pageant 2009". Pictured here in his swimsuit competition photograph, Herbie is described in the official pageant program, which his campaign manager Gwen sent all over the country as:

Mr. Odum is running on a pageant platform which promotes a life lived in purity and abstinence. With Gwen's loving guidance, Herbie has even been convinced to inject some "Bible Belt humor" into his campaign literature.

"How can you be sure a Mississippi girl is a virgin?

She can outrun all her brothers."

"How can you be sure an Arkansas girl is a virgin?

She can outrun the governor."

Mr. Odum credits Gwen with single handedly helping him to "break out of his shell" and dedicates his 2009 Mr. Congeniality award to her. His brilliant campaign slogan: "With Herb's win, wash away your sins" seems to be gaining momentum all over the bible belt as a rousting battle cry. Instead of campaign buttons, Odum supporters and staffers are handing out these ingenious "Wash away your Sins" towelettes, which have been popping up all over the Belt's diners and public rest rooms.

So please join us in supporting Herb Odum for "Over 55 Mr. Bible Belt Pagent" King, because a vote for Herbie is a vote for clean living.

We urge you to vote now and vote often HERE. And please leave a comment with your, "Herb for Bible Belt King" rally cry.

Herb and Gwen also want to remind voters that, although winning is their goal, it's not always about taking the big prize. On the back of each campaign packet sent, is this sticker which illustrates the true meaning of the spirit of this competition which says;

"It's not whether you win or lose, but how you do your hair."

NSFW Friday

It's time for another rousting rendition of the Daily Dandy's NSFW Friday.

For those of you not familiar with the term NSFW-It means, "not suitable for work" and today's selection is certainly one you may need to look over your shoulder to check if the coast is clear before viewing. This left me with that WTF look on my face.

Today's subject is Primates, and who doesn't love an adorable little monkey? But this guy?
His behavior is just downright nasty for sure, yet it's almost as if he revels in the political incorrectness of his actions. Kinda like he's giving the proverbial middle finger to the world.

The person that sent me this also provided the disclaimer, "You may not want to view this if you have a weak stomach". Umm, yeah. So don't say I didn't warn you.

Happy Weekend!



p.s. You know I so sent this baby to Gwen
p.p.s I know, I know. Sorry.

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Good eggs, bad eggs?

If I put both my kids on that scale today, each would most certainly fall into the unknown depths of that chute in the chocolate factory. Or maybe it is only I, who would plunge into the unknown darkness, because I'm feeling like I laid an egg when it comes to child rearing, quite aware of the fact that I am the one at fault.

Enough is never enough. Too much is WAY too much and I'm beginning to believe that wanting to provide your child with every opportunity possible only does them a disservice. We do the best we can for our children. We drive them here and there, all over everywhere. We dispense cash like a personal ATM. We help with homework, go to games, shows, concerts and advise on social problems. We dispense wisdom and personal virtue; lessons for living life and we teach by example ruling gently, but stridently. We feed them, clothe them, nurture them and love them unconditionally. We ask for not much in return, besides a little love, respect, and gratitude.

After all of that, it should be of no surprise to me when a difference of opinion results in a fervent lack of disrespect. By being at their 24 hour beck and call, what do I expect? I have become their go-to-guy for sure, but on their terms. It amazes me that they are suddenly the ones handing out the ultimatums. It has become quite clear what I am doing wrong. Doing; herin lies the problem. Far too much and for far too long-the result is an entitled child who sees only what is next instead of what has been done.

At this point negotiation is not an option, the behavior warranting immediate action, the original topic now somewhat irrelevant. I have no choice but to send my children down that chute in the chocolate factory, before I send them out in the big "Chocolate Factory Chute of Life". It is the most undesirable option which lends creedence to the old saying, "this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you". My other option? Sending myself down the chocolate factory chute. Today I feel like I belong there.

A Stereotypical Birth

It's always a joyous day when a baby is born. Months spent waiting in anticipation of the newest addition to the family are finally put to rest as the child makes it's debut into the world.

Expectations are high, with each parent already lovingly planning the child's future path, while carefully taking into consderation the child's culture, surroundings and familial influences. The possibilities for the child's future are endless.

Some are expected to conform to the society in which they enter.
Others are just born with it.