Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Dear Old Aunt Flo


Since it's still the holiday season, my dear old Aunt Flo is in town. Aunt Flo is NOT my favorite Aunt. She's not even my "Auntie". She's more like "Ant" Flo, (as in a small creature that walks the earth kind of ant). Oh yeah, and she's a real pain in the a**.
Things that always happen when Aunt Flo is visiting:
  1. I get kinda bitchy.

  2. Gotta have chocolate!

  3. My lower back hurts.

  4. Aunt Flo always knows just how to make me feel like sh*t.

Tonight it's New Years Eve and we are going to a friends house to celebrate. Of course I have to bring Aunt Flo with me. I have no choice. Aunt Flo is family. Come to think of it, she's not that bad, really. She's predictable as hell and sometimes when she comes for a visit, you thank the good Lord above. It's almost like she is a part of me, a part of the sisterhood. Looks like I'm ringing in 2009 with her so it's possible she could enlighten me with her wisdom on this eve of the new year. Or, her behavior could turn me into a hormonal wreck. It's still a toss up, you never quite know when it comes to Aunt Flo.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Big Zel


It's always a good day when you open your morning paper and find that one of your favorite people in the world has gotten some good ink. Now, I'm not talking about some ridiculous celebrity or the people who worship them (although he is certainly a celebrity in every sense of the word) I'm talking about someone who has made a real difference in the world and influenced your own life greatly.

Today, for me, that person would be Big Zel.

Robert Zelnick, (or Big Zel as he dubbed himself) was a TV news legend far before I ever walked into his classroom at Boston University that fall of 2000. ABC News' go-to-guy at the Pentagon for some 20 years, is how I remembered him, and I was a little more than worried as a "green" graduate student taking his "hard news" class. Prof. Zelnick, who stands at 5'6" tall, was an intimidating figure back in those days, standing at the head of the classroom. He had a stoic seriousness about him and "curmudgeonly" was the adjective we used to describe his occasional no nonsense teachings. But it didn't take long for us to figure out how wrong we were about Big Zel. Lucky for us, we quickly realized that we were in for the ride of our lives.

Beside his impressive ABC News resume, (his time spent there ranks right him alongside all the news greats: Walters, Jennings, to name a few of his colleagues) Big Zel spent many years traveling the globe and working on the political news of the world. A true "hard news" man, his infectious passion was undeniable for his chosen genre. We were the chosen ones to have learned first hand, from a legend, what it means to deliver a news story. But that fall of 2000, Big Zel's journalism students would also fast become "hard news" men and women in their own right, for we suddenly found ourselves in the midst of one of the biggest news stories of the 21 century. The botched Presidential Election of 2000.

I spent many sleepless nights (I was also the mother of a four and five year old) reporting for his class from the debates, to the botched announcement of Gore's presidential win, to the intense scrutiny of the announcement of the Bush presidency and the hanging chad. As writers, we all grew up a lot that fall under the loving wing of the great Professor Bob Zelnick.

Big Zel and I discussed those memories at our Sushi lunch last fall. Ever gracious and humble, my favorite professor and I broke bread and sake, and discussed the possibility of my publishing a memoir. I tried to convince him it was he who should be writing a memoir and he humbly dismissed the notion as rubbish. He would stick to writing about the news as he had for his entire career.

Big Zel is in the spotlight today for his role in the historic interviews between David Frost and disgraced President Richard Nixon. Bob Zelnick has been immortalized in Ron Howard's big screen adaptation of the Broadway show, "Frost/Nixon". His experience, he recalled in today's Boston Herald as, "historic from two points of view. One, it was unprecedented. And two, it worked. in terms of stirring a popular interest and delivering a good editorial product."

Oliver Platt plays Bob Zelnick in the movie and at 6'5" tall, when he met the actor, true to form Big Zel had some witty comments about overcoming the physical challenge. You can read all about my beloved Professor at this link: I urge you to go and see the movie and let me know what you think.

I've got to go right now and send an email to my favorite reluctant celebrity to tell him how proud I am to call him my friend. He seems to be handling it all in Big Zel stride. He humbly said of his involvement in the great news story portrayed by the film in today's Herald, "It's a form of immortality, (but) I think the most important thing is to not let anything change you. Richard Nixon himself in the interview said the brightest moments are those that fade away fastest and I think that's something to keep in mind."

That's what I love most about Big Zel. He never lets a teaching moment get lost in his bright spotlight.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Holiday Hangover


I'm feeling a bit like I have been on a month long bender. I have that all too telling "green" feeling and I can't seem to shake it. Now that Christmas is over, I want to start thinking about getting back to "normal". But how can I???

Consider this my post Christmas rant:


-The Christmas decorations are still up. Around 6am on Dec 26th I start thinking about getting rid of everything but I cannot..My kids would never forgive me. I have to wait, at least, until New Years day. I am SOOOO over it!


-All the gifts are out of the boxes and the gift wrap and mess are gone but no one else has touched any of their stuff to move it out of the living room. Uh, hello?? I am not the MAID here. Must I do everything?? Every human in this house is old enough to come and collect their Christmas haul and bring it to their respective rooms now that I have made it easier by taking everything out of the boxes and putting it into neat piles. What's next? Must I wear it for them too?? The only thing I didn't do with their stuff was open the gift for them. Maybe I should try that next year.


-I am not cooking for another three months. I figure, after cooking X amount of elaborate holiday meals, I should be all set until St. Patty's right? (oh yeah-and no one in this house eats leftovers. It's like tainted food to them. Go figure)


-The kids are on vacation. For a really long time. Like too long. If we had thought about it before the holiday, we would be on the ninth hole in Naples, Fla. right about now. For sure.


-NO, I will not get up at 4:30am any longer for my son's 6am Christmas hockey tournament. Are these people insane??? They say they do it so that the working parents can get to the game and then get to work on time. I'll voluteer to pick all the boys up (it would be a tight squeeze) if it means being able to sleep for an hour or two more in the morning. AND-they won this morning! Yipee! which means that we are looking at an ungodly early New Years Day Game! Might as well pull an all nighter on New Years Eve!!


-Luckily we had very few returns this year, but the kids got gift cards which they insisted on using the day after Christmas. I agreed, not really thinking it through. The malls were far worse that day then before Christmas. My bad. On a positive note, the sales at the stores are phenomenal. They are practically giving stuff away with 60, 75 and 80% off sales everywhere. I plan to take advantage of that at some point this week.


-And before you think this is about all bad and no good...I have to say that Frick and Frack have been absolutely wonderful so far! (I hope I don't jinx it) I am astounded by the way that they have been behaving, mostly toward each other, and I couldn't have asked for a better gift from them. If this is a look into the future, I happily say, bring it on! I am a proud mom today!


-And last, I am thankful for one more week of fun with my family and friends but I feel like I am stuck in the middle of some sort of strange holding pattern, unable to break free just yet. True to the time of year-we are on the verge of a transition and it hangs thick in the air. Just like a hangover.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

See Buddy: A Christmas Tail

SEE BUDDY

BUDDY IS A FOOD-LOVING WHITE BOXER WHO ALSO LOVES CHRISTMAS.

BUDDY IS GETTING READY FOR SANTA TO COME BUT THERE IS A SMALL PROBLEM.

BUDDY HAS BEEN NAUGHTY.... OH, WHAT'S A DOG TO DO?



YOU SEE, BUDDY ATE ALL THE CHRISTMAS BROWNIES AND NOW THERE ARE NO MORE TO LEAVE OUT FOR SANTA WHEN HE COMES TONIGHT.


BUDDY TOLD HIS PACK HE WAS AFRAID HE WOULD GET COAL IN HIS STOCKING FROM SANTA. THEY PRETTY MUCH AGREED THAT HE WAS SCREWED BUT GOOD, AND BUDDY THANKED THEM FOR THEIR MORAL SUPPORT.
THEN BUDDY DECIDED TO PUT ON A BRAVE FACE AND HAVE A HEART TO HEART WITH THE MAN IN RED. THEY TALKED FOR A WHILE AND BUDDY WAS ELATED WHEN SANTA TOLD HIM THAT ALL OF GODS CREATURES, BOTH GOOD AND BAD, ON CHRISTMAS MUST REMEMBER TO KEEP PEACE AND SHOW GOOD WILL TOWARDS EACH OTHER. SANTA SAID THAT WAS MOST IMPORTANT.
BUDDY FELT MUCH BETTER AND HE REALIZED THAT CHRISTMAS WAS ABOUT MORE THAN JUST BROWNIES AND BONES.

BUDDY WAS SO HAPPY THAT HE DECLARED, I MEAN BARKED, "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT"!!!!!!
HAPPIEST OF HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOURS FROM CANDY'S DAILY DANDY!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Last Minute Gift Ideas

Just IN CASE you were wondering what you were going to get me this year for Christmas, I have put together a little list to help you purchase that special something just for me!

1. World Peace. Yeahh. Wouldn't that be nice.

2. Diamonds. What was that old saying about them being a girl's best friend? I am certainly no exception. What's a little frosting between friends?

3. Cold hard. No, not what you were thinking. Get your mind out of the gutter. Sheesh! Nothing says I love you like a stack of Benjamin's!

4. Another Boston World Championship. Pats, Bruins, Celts...I'm not picky. Just greedy. heehee.


5. This would be the best of all! And if you could see to it, I would love you FOR-EVA!!! No biggie...Just a big bow STRATEGICALLY placed and tucked nicely in my be...I mean under my tree.


Merry Christmas everyone!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Living In A Winter Wonderland

Remember last week when I said it was snowing in MA finally! Well, it is true that you need to be careful what you wish for because you just may get it. It stared snowing on Friday afternoon and didn't stop until Sunday night! Inspired by Alan at Robot Nine, (Check out his blog. He's always got something amazing going on) I thought I'd show you what it's like to wake up in MA today.

Thanks for the inspiration Alan!




















Friday, December 19, 2008

Mi Blog Es Su Blog.


Welcome everyone to The Daily Dandy's Blogger Holiday Party!

Come on in, take off your shoes, have a drink (or two, or three, or...) and stay a while. Let's kick the Blogger holiday off right and party all weekend or at least until the cow's come home. (Jennifer and Sandi, do they ever actually leave home?)

Chat up your favorite blogger, or feel up your favorite blogger (Gwen and Zibsy, get a room! Hey!) Have some of the fabulous hors d'oeuvre's and please pour yourself a glass of holiday spirits. Let's celebrate the season Blogger style!

I put Scope in charge of the music (he had some beauties on his ipod) and WhiskeyMarie has catered a table full of fantastic, yummy holiday nosh! So let's get down and boogie while happily filling our tummies. But before we break bread, let's bow our heads in prayer as our blogger savior, McGone, leads us in the Christmas blessing and we give thanks for all our blogger good fortune throught the year.

The great thing about this virtual party is that it will be going on all weekend long! That's right, 24 hours a day my door is open for you to come and spread your holiday cheer with your fellow bloggers. Stop bye for as long as you like, hang out, then leave and come back later to see what the crazy kids are up to over here. EVERYONE in the bloggersphere is invited! Bring a blogger friend if you want and if you are here for the first time, welcome! and drop us a comment to introduce yourself. We are a pretty social bunch, I promise!

But don't get too drunk because at some point Poobomber is going give us a slide show of his most famous photoshop stuff, and stick around because Mjenks has agreed to the traditional reading of "The Night Before Christmas". You won't want to miss a second of the fun!

It's my way of saying thank you for reading my words and sharing in my blogger world every day! I love you guys!
If the food, music, and great conversation aren't enough for you, Miss Lydia will be doing tarot card readings to delight you and Falwless will be doing blogger caricatures with her Facebook Graffiti tool as your take home keepsake.
Consider the comment section of this post a virtual party chat room! But don't look for Jon, Mike or myself around 1pm Sunday. We'll be watching the Pat's game and be coming back after we WIN!!
And the lovely MeLO will be walking around holding the party mistletoe over some lucky bloggers heads!

So, from my house to yours, Welcome! and have a joyous holiday celebration!

Crappy Stockpile Continued

I got tagged for That Blue Yak Crappy Gifts for Sick People Stockpile by Scope over at ScopeTech! Oh the honor of knowing that I have chosen that perfect piece of crap to brighten up a sick person's holiday.

I chose this which ranks pretty high on the CRAP-O-METER:



It's caption reads, "Watch it rot!! It's easy to do and fun to grow!" After all, they're SICK! It's not like they have anything else to do. When all is said and done the recipient a will have an experienced companion to keep them company while in their "sick exile".

I like this idea and the whole "pay crap forward" concept it promotes. Here's how it works:
1) Pick a crappy gift for the That Blue Yak Crappy Gifts For Sick People Stockpile and post it on your site.
2) Pick 5 bloggers that you think might want to open their hearts and pick a crappy gift.
3) Link back to this post.
4) And if you really want to get into heaven, write, "I POSTED A CRAPPY GIFT" in the comments section of this post so we can see the crappy gifts you picked.

Since the crap must keep flowing for the sickies, I tag:


Lydia- Obsessive Girl.- I love you waaaaay to much not to let you share in this joyous holiday crapfest.

Slyde- Slydes Blog- Dude, won't you please spread the crap? For the sick people and all.

Slopmaster-Slopmaster Tales- This may be hard for Slop because it has nothing to do with sex, but I'm sure he'll give it the old college try. There is no rule that says it can't be crappy and sex realted!

Lisa-The Butterfly Farmer-Lisa you are funny and maybe you want to get some gift ideas from your old lady friends. Not Noni though, Noni is way tooo cool!

Coco-Piece O Coconut Cake-Instead of "upping" your game you have to "down" it. Your game is way too up! I know because we worship in the same fashion houses of faith.

Good Luck every one! and be sure to check back here later today for my weekend post! It is sure to be a Rockin' around the Christmas Tree good time!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Robo Christmas Cop


I know I promised a short post today (so I lied), and I will try to condense this story as much as possible cuz it's a good one.

Last year at this time, I bought My Guy a 36" plasma TV for his new home office as his Christmas gift. As you may have read in a previous post here, I ended up getting him something better (the artist finished it before Xmas), so I needed to return the TV to the Costco Wholesale Warehouse I bought it at. The TV was big, and heavy, so it took myself and my wife (she is my cleaning girl and I call her my wife with all the love and respect that term implies) a great deal of effort to get it into my SUV. I drive over to Costco and when I get there, of course, there is NO parking. So I drive up to the main entrance, remembering that when I purchased the TV, I was able to pull right up to the front and get some assistance loading it into the car.

Let me now just give you the visuals so you can get a mental picture: Think horizontal. One horizontal being the front entrance, the other horizontal (about 30 yards directly in front of the entrance) being at least 10 EMPTY handicap parking spaces lining the front.

As I am pulling up to the front I notice an employee standing outside smoking a cigarette. Since I can't stop here and block the flow of traffic building up behind me (remember I have the entrance on one side and row of EMPTY handicap parking on the other and not much room in between), I pull into the first handicap space, leave my car running, and get out to walk the 10 yards or so to ask the smoking employee how I would go about getting some help with the huge TV. She tells me NOT to park there because I will most certainly get a ticket, but to back it out and pull up to the front so she can call another employee to come with a dolly to assist me.
OK, the whole exchange took about 10 seconds and I have not walked more than 5 yards away from my car, which is of course, still running. Right? So I get back into my car and as I am about to pull out of the space, I see a police cruiser come flying up behind me, skidding to a halt directly behind my car. Not good.

It must have been my lucky day because none other than Robo Cop, fully flanked from head to toe in black riot fatigues with a black sniper hat on his head, steps out of the cruiser. He approaches my vehicle and I roll the window down to explain what is taking place.

Before I can even utter a word, Robo Cop, who is now red faced, snarls from his teeth, "License and registration." This is how the exchange goes:

ME: Officer, I have a huge TV in the back and I was just ask....
ROBO:(face getting redder, still snarling through his bared teeth) I SAID license and registration. You are in violation parked in a handicapped space. License and registration Ma'am.(he is now swaying back and forth on his feet)
ME: (fumbling for my license and reg) Officer, can I just explain? You see I was trying to get some hel...
ROBO: Unless you have a handicap placard hanging from your rear view mirror, which I don't see, you are in VIOLATION, so there is nothing to explain.
ME: I was asking that employee over there the best way to get some help with the large TV in the back of my car.
ROBO: (yelling to the employee who is still standing there) I CAN'T DO MY JOB BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. YOU CAN'T TELL SHOPPERS TO PARK HERE....
ME: (interrupting him this time) She didn't tell me to park here. In fact she told me not to park here. I left my car running and was asking her about some help.
ROBO: (holding his black, gloved hand, up to the employee) Sorry Ma'am. (now to me) You are in VIOLATION. (spitting) Now, I'm going to ask you one more time; LICENSE and REGISTRATION!
ME: (handing it to him thinking to myself, "keep your cool Candy". The whole "batting my eyelashes" thing is now out the window because Robo here is way too jacked for a big bust) Officer, can I get out of my car and show you the enormous box in the back?
ROBO: You can do whatever you want, still doesn't change the fact that you are in VIOLATION!

Don't ask me why, but I get out of my car and go to the back of my car to show him the big box.

ME: See, this is far too big for me to get it inside by myself. I didn't even turn off my car. I never intended to park here. I pulled in so I wouldn't block traffic and I was just asking for some help. I never even walked more than 5 yards away from running my car.
ROBO: (No reply. Still rocking back and forth on his feet staring at my license)
ME: (waiting a good 10-15 seconds in silence) No Christmas spirit, huh?

Robo then walks over to the cruiser and gets in. I get back into my car and sit and wait. After about 5 minutes, Robo pulls the cruiser up a whole 2 feet and comes over to my open window.

ROBO: Ma'am, move your car immediately to the front of the store.
ME: I can't, your cruiser is too close. Can you move it up a little more?

Robo makes no reply but walks over to the back side of the cruiser and stands with his arms folded. I now know there is no way I am not getting a ticket for the VIOLATION and that Robo is going to bust my balls to the fullest extent, so I move my car. It took about a 25 point turn to get my SUV out of the handicap space because, I swear to you, Robo hardly moved the cruiser up enough for me to get out AND he stood there, arms folded, red faced, watching me. At one point, while making the 25 point turn, I said to him through my open window, "officer if your going to stand there your going to have to forgive me if I run over your foot".

I get the car to the front and he gets back into the cruiser. I get out and stand there thinking about what to say to this complete DICK without getting into trouble. He comes out and hands me the $100.00 ticket. I take the ticket but not without saying to him (and it's all I could think of at that moment):
ME: Officer you have been EXTERMELY rude and I hope that Santa brings you COAL in your stocking!
He turns and walks away. End of story right?? No-I must have been a very good girl last year because I got my revenge on Robo-jacked up on ROID rage-Cop in two great ways.

The first: After all the hub bub, an employee came out to help me immediately. We get the TV out of the car and I go park LEGALLY, then get into the retun line at the front of the store. Well who works at the return desk? None other than Smoking Employee. When she sees me she comes right over to me to say that the cops behavior was completely out of line and unnecessary. She tells me that she was all shook up from him yelling at her and I tell her that my heart is still pounding and my adrenaline pumping from the entire exchange. While we are talking, I look up and see Robo Cop coming around the corner. I couldn't help myself but to glare at him and he matched my glare, our eyes locked in a predatory stare. As he walks in my direction, he has the BALLS to smile a snarky grin at me. I look right at him as he is passing me and say loud enough for all the people in line to hear, "Merry Christmas," and just as he goes by me, out of my eyesight I then say, "RAMBO".

Oh yeah, that felt way too good!! Even though I got him verbally, he still got me because I was the one with the $100.00 ticket in hand. But not for long!!!HAHAHAHAHA!

The Second: I called My Guy immediately who knows all cops in that town because he grew up with them and lucky for me, Robo's boss is My Guys good friend. I was able to rip up the ticket and can you believe Robo told his boss that I WAS MEAN! HA! All I have to say to him if he is reading this is, "Dude, get off the roids and Merry Christmas douchebag!"

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It's Snowing in MA-Finally!

We, the people of Massassachusetts, awoke this moring to a 2-3 inch coat of snowfall. Our first of the season!! Today's accumulation is NOT to be confused with the wicked ICE storm of last Thursday that left the Northern part of the state looking like something out of the Ice Age. Today it looks just like Santa's North Pole with a light and fluffy coating of the white stuff.

And baby it's cold outside!


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Gift Concierge Extraordinaire: Dear Gift Bi*ch!


It's all about giving back this time of year. During the holiday gift giving season, wouldn't it be great to have your own personal concierge to help you with those "hard to get" people on your list? Today I offer you my services as your FREE, personal, gift idea bi*ch in the spirit of Christmas.

My specialty, of course, is in the beauty industry, although I am well trained in all matters to do with shopping. Drop me a question in the comment section of this post with your intended gift recipient, their gender, likes and dislikes, and an idea of your price point. No gift is too small(stocking stuffer, gag gift, etc) or too large (diamonds, cars, etc) and no question will go unanswered. Address it to: Dear Gift Bi*ch! and I will get back to you in the comment section of this post immediately with fabulous ideas and locations for you to purchase. I am at your service for the day! Take advantage of my expertise and this FREE service and I promise you won't be disappointed. Let me take the worry out of your gift giving needs this holiday season.


*I totally stole the idea for this post from the Legendary Whiskey Marie. Her Chef Awesome series was intended as a service to the community, not to be confused with the community service performed here as in keeping with the terms of my parole.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Todays Special: Christmas Ravioli

In the spirit of the week before the week before Christmas, The Daily Dandy has decided to post an entire week of short posts. I know we are all nearing crunch time in our preparations for the holiday, so as my gift to you, I offer this week of "quickies" sure to satisfy your busy time constraints.

On tap today is our yearly making of my families longstanding Christmas tradition: our Christmas dinner. In a few short hours, 4 women from my family will converge upon my kitchen and get busy making homemade spinach, cheese and sausage ravioli to be served on Christmas day. The recipe came from my paternal Grandmother, who brought the recipe and the tradition over from Luca, Italy. Let me just say that it wouldn't be Christmas without the ravioli's and many of my friends either join me at my Christmas table or leave me their requests for "saving them" some of the delectable hand made pastas. The recipe is believed to be centuries old and our methods of making them archaic so as to keep with the integrity of the recipe. These babies are worth it and so time consuming, we only make them once a year.

Check out this short 2 part "Bitchen Kitchen" Ravioli Rehab (love this girl) if I have inspired in you a craving for some ravioli! Bon Appetit!






Friday, December 12, 2008

Cougarology 101


With the passing of another birthday, I fear I may have, by default, become the thing I hate the most.... a cougar. (no, please, stop, make it go away)!

That's right, the deadly, dreaded, Cougar of society. Now, for the sake of science, let's discuss this societal label.
What is this cougar crap anyway and why does the term have to sound so predatory and lethal. The dictionary defines the cougar as, "a large, powerful, tawny-brown cat". So I ask the question, how did this term become synonymous with attractive women of a certain age. The way I see it there are two terms women in this category could fall under, both equally degrading, but commonly used references none the less.


  1. The MILF- defined as a "Mother I'd Like To F**k"

  2. The Cougar-a divorced and or married sexually aggressive, attractive woman over 40.

I'll take the MILF label over the Cougar label any day. The term Cougar instantly implies that attractive women over 40, are always out for the kill, looking for their next sexual victim. Is this really the case? Or, once again, have a few bad apples spoiled it for the rest of us?

Take for example, an evening out with the girls: I consider myself to be somewhat attractive-not a total loss-with a fabulous fashion sense and a good eye for a designer's masterpieces. Couple that with the fact that I am a trained make-up professional and you've got the semblance of a pretty good finished product. Most of my friends worship at the same fashion houses that I do and almost all can wield a lipstick tube effectively. Between us all, we own enough "f**k me boots" to keep an entire grade of high school freshman in their seats during a math test on the chalkboard. For me, the motivation to get "dolled" up is for myself and my own self esteem. You know the old, look good, feel good thing. And really, we are still young. No, we are not throwing the towel in just yet.

Myself and said friends are at a bar having drinks, laughing, enjoying each other's company, when over walks a group of attractive, similarly aged guys. We all make small talk and exchange pleasantries, wouldn't want to be rude(or worse considered frigid!) One or two may break off into a small group to discuss politics or the recent economic crisis-whatever-we are all adults. Others are chatting and even flirting, dare I say it, the sexual energy hangs thick in the air. This may go on innocently for the rest of the evening then everyone retires home alone, happy for a great night socializing with friends.

Now I know that not every evening with a large group of over forty women goes according to this script. I am fully aware that there are deadly tan, overly dressed, overly fragranced, overly made-up, cougars out there just waiting to pounce on their next victim.

But let's use my example for our purposes today. I my scenario, where is the predatory behavior here?? Yes, we flirted. We're not dead, and god forbid I ever decide that a fetching appearance is not important-FOR MYSELF-first. In this scenario, where is the trap-set by the masterful, cunning, cougar to catch an unsuspecting male prey?

Are we a bunch of MILF's or Cougars?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Sibling Rivalry


Frick and Frack are at it again and I am at my wits end! My kids are 19 months apart and the only siblings each other has. Wouldn't you think there would be some semblance of brotherly sisterly love? Not a chance. Not with these two. The problem is that neither one has the least amount of tolerance for the other. She's 14 and a freshman in High School and he is 12 and a 7th grade middle schooler. Two completely different worlds and they fight like a couple of 3 year olds.
For years, around this time of year, the old, "Santa is watching" used to do the trick beautifully. Now they are wiser, meaner and know that all that Santa crap is a bunch of bull. They have even resorted to physical retaliation,which I will not tolerate, and name calling from time to time. She, being the oldest, I have explained to her, needs to set the example. We have had many conversations about karma and that her brother's behavior is mostly a reflection of the "mean" that she projects at him. I might as well be talking to the wall because she's not listening. She repeats the "he's so annoying" mantra over and over until the words become her reality. He is the youngest and complains that "she hates me so I hate her" there bye completing the vicious circle. (and I do mean vicious) He has even asked me why she hates him so much. Heartbreaking, I know.

I have to say I can relate to his angst. Being the youngest of five, all I wanted was love and attention from my older brother, my closest sibling in age. He was BRUTAL to me and I had the bruises to prove it. He saw me as nothing more than the annoying little sister he believed I was and he tortured me for it. My greatest weapon against him was,"I'm gonna tell mom". Yup, worked like a charm although I very rarely told on him. I wanted him to love me and I knew that going to mom would effectively put an end to that. The threat was all I needed and when I felt imminent danger, you bet I would use it. The moral of that story is that now, as adults, he is possibly one of my best friends and my go-to-guy on a lot of things. As for these two? I really wonder.

Take for example this exchange last week while I was in another country.

CELL PHONE RINGING IN LOUD CASINO

ME: Hello?

HER: Mom, He is in your room and we (her TWO friends) want to watch a movie and He won't let us.

ME: What? (placing my finger in my ear to hear better) Why are you and your friends in my room? (this NEVER happens-almost of the time they are holed up in her room and rarely come out, except to eat-we call her room The Den)

HER: We want to watch a movie and the Babysitter is watching TV in the family room so we can only watch it in your room and He is in there and won't let us.

ME: (now walking away from a hot blackjack table and I hand I just lost because I walked away) Can't you all watch the movie together?

HER: No way mom! We don't want him around.

ME: He was there first and does not have two friends over so either you let Him watch the movie with you or you go back to your room and leave Him alone.

HER: Mom! That's so NOT fair! There are three of us and we need to lay on the bed.

ME: So ask him nicely if he will move over to the sofa.

HER: He won't mom! He's being annoying.

ME: (because I know her so well) Did you ask Him or did you tell Him?

HER: I asked him mom, and he won't.

ME: Let me talk to your brother.

HIM: (annoyed) Mom, she comes in here and starts bossing me around and telling me to leave.

ME: I will deal with that when I come home. As for now, she has agreed to watch a movie with all of you together. Would you mind moving over to the sofa so that you and the three girls can all watch the movie comfortably?

HIM: I don't want to watch a movie. I want to got to bed and you said I could sleep in your bed while you were away.

ME: (realizing that this is not going to be easily resolved AND that I am problem solving via cell phone from another country) Ok then, you have two options. Number one, got to bed in your own room or number 2, watch the movie with the girls and fall asleep on the sofa. In case you guys haven't noticed, I am in Aruba.

HIM: Whatever mom. She can have your room. I HATE HER!! Click........


I didn't call back. I decided to let them work it out on their own. Call me a bad mother, call me a coward, call me crazy but I've had just about all I can take of the war of my children. Whether I am thousands of miles away or just down the hall-somehow they have to learn to work things out on their own. I hope and pray that they will become best friends someday. It's just that today I am waiting and wondering when and if someday will come.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Dream Analysis


Last night I dreamed I was working with Donna Karan (the designer) at one of her fashion shows. While I was there, I think I was sitting at a table, and I couldn't find my shoes. They were, for strange some reason, mules, which I never wear. For those of you who don't know what mules are, they are like slippers, but not really slippers, slip on shoes. I woke up thinking that this dream must have some significance in some way. So, of course, I Googled it. There is so much crap about dreams out there and dreams about shoes that now I'm confused and don't know what to think.


The first thing I found was this:
In general, shoes represent your approach to life. It suggests that you are well-grounded or that you are down to earth. It also represents your convictions about your beliefs.

If you dream that you lose your shoes, then it suggests that you may be searching for your identity and finding/exploring who you are.

Hmmm...Unemployed, check. Unmarried, check. Could be.

Then I saw this:
To dream of losing your shoes indicates that you are wasting your efforts in unproductive activity.

OK but what's the unproductive activity here? Unemployment? Blogging?

Oh yeah and I love this one:
To lose your shoes is not a good omen as it foretells that your loved ones shall betray you when you need them most. So do not depend on them.

Been there, done that. No thanks.

And this:
Shoes are interpreted as wife or husband. Shoes may also mean 1- wife or husband 2- g/f 3- power 4- livelihood 5- a travel 6- Death if he was alone in the desert.

Huh??

Losing your shoes indicates a waste of time on your part.

Now we have a theme. Wasting time... soul searching. Hmmm..

Should I believe all this jargon? If dreams are our subconscious working through problems or issues in our conscious, what does all this crap mean?

You guys got any suggestions??

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

21 Master


So I'm back and the vacation was fantastic! So great in fact, that the reality of my house being a complete disaster, and there is not a drop of edible food in the fridge and the kid's laundry is in a mountain-like pile in the laundry room, and that the Christmas trees is not up yet does not phase me in the least. I've got other things on my mind. Other important and pressing matters of the mind....I'm dreaming of and missing like crazy my nightly Blackjack game. Yeah, gambling has a way of doing that to you.


I was never a Blackjack player before this trip. I would stand behind the game and watch My Guy play and clap and cheer and get excited when he won, just happy to be there. He taught me to play Caribbean Stud last year when we were in Vegas and I enjoyed that game and the fact that $100.00 got me a few hours at a table (just like a grown-up) and maybe a few, cheap, earnings for the time spent gambling. It was fun and we played a little Caribbean Stud on this trip also, but the REAL fun came when on our first night there, when My Guy was winning at a $25 Blackjack table, he asked me to sit down next to him and play (with his money-of course).

I was really nervous at first and declined his offer, citing my complete inexperience at this fast paced game. (I was also worried because thanks to my Wicked Witch of the West third grade teacher, I still can't add, subtract, multiply or divide, on demand in my head, quickly. A prerequisite for the game of Blackjack) But My Guy assured me that he was right there next to me and would help me along every step of the way. OK, I reluctantly agreed and figured this to be a reasonably safe foray into the game of Blackjack.

As a casual observer, there were a few rules of Blackjack that already knew, just from watching the game like:
  • the dealer must stand on 17
  • double your bet or "press" when you are hot
  • always split aces

So I sat and played with My Guy coaching me along. And I played, and I played, and I played and before I knew it I was HOT and doing quite well on my own. Blackjacker's are funny people- and as I played I learned about the "real" rules of their game.

  • They hate newbies-(like me)-who tend to "stay" on a fifteen while the dealer is showing a ten and they will yell at you and blame you for "f*cking up the whole shoe". (for the record-no one yelled at me- but that's just because I had My Guy coaching me) and if you do screw up they will never let you forget it.
  • ALWAYS hit on 16 if the dealer has over an 8. I ended up HATING 16.
  • NEVER hit on a 12, 13 and so on if the dealer is showing a 2, 3, 4or a"bust" card as it's called.
  • Double up on anything over an 8 and under a 10 if the dealer is showing a bust card.
  • Double up on an 11 only if the dealer is showing under a ten.
  • Never buy insurance on the dealer's possible Blackjack. (although I saw plenty of people do it, the consensus is that it's a fool's bet).
  • Splitting pairs increases your chances and is usually a good bet, especially when you draw two eights-thereby ridding yourself of the dreaded sixteen.

We ended up winning big on our first night there; real big, with both of us playing. So it became our nightly fun. After dinner out we would return to our hotel and spend the next few hours in the Casino playing Blackjack. After two nights of coaching, I was able to sit alone at a table and play well (the tables were busy that night and we couldn't find two seats together). Besides that, I wouldn't play at more than a $10 minimum table. I am, at most, a cautious gambler.

I am also a chip hoarder. This is a VERY good thing. I told you I played at only the $10 tables, so every time I got a $25 chip, I would throw it into my purse and forget about it. Every time My Guy would get a $100 chip I would take it and do the same thing. He would protest, of course, but at the end of the night, after the drinks and chips were spent, we always had plenty to cash out and My Guy was grateful for my frugality.

I returned home no longer a "newbie", but a somewhat seasoned Blackjacker, happy for time spent at the tables and grateful for the many things I learned. Blackjack is a great game that can turn fortunes one way or the other in an instant. Some days you win big and some days you loose big but it's never boring. We enjoyed some good conversations, great casino comps and a fun relaxing time, thanks to, interestingly enough, neither his or my Blackjack skills. I would say it was mostly due to my master chip hoarding skills.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Day Of Larger Than Life


There used to be this great coffee shop in Cape Cod called Mrs. Wyatt's Tea Room. It was a very eclectic little restaurant with mismatch tables and chairs, big soft bean bag chairs, crayons and coloring books for the kids and lots of cool books everywhere. It was the kind of place you could get a great home cooked breakfast, homemade bread, quiches, and peanut and butter and jelly sandwiches with the crusts cut off. It was there, many years ago, that I read this enormous Birthday Book with detailed facts about every day of the year. The caption for today's birthday read, "The Day of Larger Than Life." That's today and it's my birthday. I always remembered it because I thought it summed my personality up perfectly because when I do things, I never do them small.
Other "Larger than Lifer's" born today:
Brittney Spears-27
Lucy Liu-40
Nelly Furtado-30
Stone Phillips-54

Looks like I am in good company!

To celebrate my birthday, My Guy is taking me to a fabulous Caribbean destination for the next six days. It's a kid-free, stress-free, blog-free, (I may pop in unannonced from time to time) much needed, birthday getaway and I can hardly wait to hop on the plane tomorrow morning and be ON the beach, a cocktail with an umbrella by noon.


Can you guess where I am headed? I'll give you a hint: I will be spending some time at the casinos and if you don't see me pop up anywhere by next Tuesday, let's just hope I didn't disappear off the face of the earth or get sold into sex slavery. (My Guy will keep a watchful eye on me ;)

Have a great week everyone! Peace!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Top Ten Reasons Why An Entire Weekend Of Drinking After The Age Of Forty Is Never A Good/Bad Thing

To kick off the joyous holiday season, I spent the weekend with a group of my high school girlfriends drinking, shopping and reaking havoc on the shores of Cape Cod. Did I also mention that after the age of forty this may never be a good thing. Here's why:


10. Old age is a bi*ch! Hanging out with the girls and drinking WAYYY too many is a constant reminder that you're no longer eighteen and invincible. Grow the F-up! (Although, somewhere we must get "brownie points" for giving it the old college try and getting it somewhat right).

9. Two Advil just doesn't do "the trick" any more. Forty-plus'es need at least three or four and, having to remember to take the Advil before, during and after the drink fest is key. God forbid you forget this all important detail, cuz if you play-you pay!


8. A gaggle of dazzling, hot, drunk, loud and obnoxious "cougars" attract the most undesirable male following. The Cape Cod "townies" thought they had died and gone to heaven and became our fan-club for the weekend. Lucky for us, a little more than a few of them had ALL of their teeth. Good times.


7. Drunk shopping puts impulse shopping to SHAME. You wake up the next morning to find your $300 in cash is gone, and you've got more than a few shopping bags full of unnecessary Black Dog apparel and Cape Cod hoodies and t-shirts to show for it.


6. Being the only make-up artist in a group of seven gorgeous women is not easy. Forty plus women see this as a free spa service for the weekend and will most definitely take advantage of this fact. Trying to get your own make-up on and everyone else's in a timely fashion is a not an easy task-especially when they are lined up and waiting outside the bathroom door.


5. No matter how "skinny" you think you are-there's always someone else in the group that leads you to compare yourself to Shamu The Killer Whale on his best day.


4. No one can see. I mean really-everyone is fighting this fact in one way or another. Some have gone the contact lens route or have reading glasses, while the rest of us drunks are pretending we can read the menu and ordering all kinds of obscure shit no one ever heard of because we just can't see the fine print. (The good thing here is we are all in the same boat)


3. There's always one. Yup, one of us overindulged in party mode and ended up spending the wee hours of the morning on what I can only compare to "a bad trip". The thing is after Forty, instead of realizing that you are just plain sick, you think that you are either having a heart attack, a serious allergic reaction, or someone slipped you a mickey in your drink. Contemplating a trip to the emergency room becomes a lot easier after forty than if you were a kid in high school and the panic that ensues becomes debilitating. While we took turns holding her hair as she prayed to the Porcelain God, she would utter things like, "Tell my kids I love them." Good thing for her we were all there to get through it, consoling her and taking care of her. We had her back.


2. Drunk over 40's are smart. No one wanted to be designated driver so we hired a local cabbie with a mini-van to lovingly be our "bitch" for the weekend. I think he had more fun than we did and turned out to be a great guy who watched out for us.

And the number one reason Why Drinking After the Age of Forty Is Never A Good/Bad Thing:

1. It takes two days to recover from a full weekend of drinking with the girls. Waking up on the Monday morning after a weekend bender with every muscle, ache and pain intensified, serves as your notice that the weekend's activities go against every law of nature of your forty year old body. But the memories, bonding and time spent with people you love like crazy and love you the same way are well worth it.

For sure, we will most certianly do it all over again. It's just that now, we need at least six months between to recover!